WHYMELOL Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Need your advice here please. Wife and I were married in 2005. Have a 3.5 year old boy and 1year old twins. We havent been getting a long for a long time now, and due to some poor decisions she made with neighbors (emails, massages etc) I had to demand we talk to a counselor. We only went to a handful of sessions to which she wasnt really willing to put in the work to improve her attitude towards me and my familly etc. Since our last big fight the other week i have finally decided that for the kids and my health I would like a separation. I went to a lawyer to discuss what I need to do and what I shouldnt do and also gain a better understanding of what the process is. $250/hr WOW. Anyways, I broke the news to her the other night and she went a little crazy, throwing things, making comments about leaving a never coming back and leaving the kids with me, calling me bad names etc. And then went to the next phase of crying begging for us to stay together and work it out etc. She's now saying that she'll do anything and will see a councelor to deal with her own issues etc. My problem is I really do believe the only way for there to be a chance to work it out is for us to seperate. I still believe this is the only route I want at this point. I cant have the kids be subject to fighting and a negative environment (caused my me and her...both of us are to blame). any advice on how I can have her realize that this is the only way at this point? I also really only want to do this the easy way and not have everything go to courts....i dont want to spend thousands of $$$. I am willing to be more than fair. I feel really bad because she wants me to give her one more chance, but I really feel i cant. Im too far gone now. she has the personality that I know will return at some point in the future. Then I will be back in same position once again... any advice on how to coach her into believing this is the right choice and that the best way is to agree on things etc. Not fly off the handle and give the lawyers all our money?
carhill Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I broke the news to her the other night and she went a little crazy, throwing things, making comments about leaving a never coming back and leaving the kids with me, calling me bad names etc. Regardless of further conversation, encourage this. You'll be happy to work on the M in counseling. When she has had her fill of massages and calling you bad names, and is showing marked progress in MC, then and only then can moving back home be considered. There is no easy way to do this, only varying levels of hard. You don't have to go to court to separate and arrange matters for your children, but, if you can't agree, likely legal help will be the only way to accomplish it. Obviously, if you are to divorce, that involves a lawsuit. One step at a time. Make a MC appointment for next Monday. Advise her of the time. Arrange for care for the children. Her response will indicate her interest in working on the M. Children can be handled; work can be handled; other responsibilities can be handled. The only way for the M to survive is for both partners to prioritize it. Do your part. Good luck
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 You mention messages to a neighbor, was it an emotional affair??? And has she ever seen a therapist for her issues. Your absolutely right if she doesnt deal with her issues they will return and your gonna feel the brunt of it. What else has she done towards your family?
Author WHYMELOL Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I caught her giving the neigbor a massage one time at 5:30 in the morning. He had his shirt off and she had left the babies unattended while i was upstairs sleeping, I heard the baby freaking out and I couldnt find her. Went next door and saw through the front door he was sitting on the floor with his shirt off and her on the couch behind him giving him a massage. This was back in October I believe. I tried to let it go, but it pops in my mind every day..
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Wow! that is kinda grounds for separation right there, if she gave him a massage while your baby is crying alone while you need to go to work? Wow I wouldnt be able to forget about that either? What did she say when she got back home, did you drag her out of the neighbors house, kick his azz? what?
Phateless Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Need your advice here please. Wife and I were married in 2005. Have a 3.5 year old boy and 1year old twins. We havent been getting a long for a long time now, and due to some poor decisions she made with neighbors (emails, massages etc) I had to demand we talk to a counselor. We only went to a handful of sessions to which she wasnt really willing to put in the work to improve her attitude towards me and my familly etc. Since our last big fight the other week i have finally decided that for the kids and my health I would like a separation. I went to a lawyer to discuss what I need to do and what I shouldnt do and also gain a better understanding of what the process is. $250/hr WOW. Anyways, I broke the news to her the other night and she went a little crazy, throwing things, making comments about leaving a never coming back and leaving the kids with me, calling me bad names etc. And then went to the next phase of crying begging for us to stay together and work it out etc. She's now saying that she'll do anything and will see a councelor to deal with her own issues etc. My problem is I really do believe the only way for there to be a chance to work it out is for us to seperate. I still believe this is the only route I want at this point. I cant have the kids be subject to fighting and a negative environment (caused my me and her...both of us are to blame). any advice on how I can have her realize that this is the only way at this point? I also really only want to do this the easy way and not have everything go to courts....i dont want to spend thousands of $$$. I am willing to be more than fair. I feel really bad because she wants me to give her one more chance, but I really feel i cant. Im too far gone now. she has the personality that I know will return at some point in the future. Then I will be back in same position once again... any advice on how to coach her into believing this is the right choice and that the best way is to agree on things etc. Not fly off the handle and give the lawyers all our money? Tell her that her first reaction (flying off the handle) is exactly why you made this decision in the first place. Tell her that you two can talk in two weeks and if she is calm and reasonable you'll discuss working things out with her. Stand your ground. This woman sounds like a real piece of work...
Author WHYMELOL Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) well we have a few developments here. Wife has been up and down for the last week, either being really really nice or just plain old being herself and being really cold and mean. HOWEVER the other night, I got a STUPID txt message from my female FRIEND at work saying i miss you. JESUS. NOw wife found that and freaked out saying this is what has caused me to decide to separate etc and that I have been cheating on her etc. SHe went off the deep end freaking out saying Im sooooo screwed now, I caught you your F;ed now etc. NOw for the truth. THis is a new friend at the professional large company i work for. She is literally just a friend who i confided in and was trying to get some unbiased opinions from (because she;s female) and also because her dad went through 2 divorces. The worst thing weve done was a few joking around txt messages. I DID NOT ON MY CHILDRENS LIFE, have any kind of physical relationship with her. THis is just crazy. When she says I miss you it was the same kind of humor that when you leave the office saying....see ya later, i'll miss you etc. ARRGH. Talk about poor timing. This in my whole marriage is the worst thing I;ve done. I'm the one who hung in there from last year., Soooooo, I was forced to bring up her past from last summer with the "massage, and facebook messages to the other neighbor" but that doesnt even matter to her. The difference is I have screen shots to prove it. anyways, at this point I've tried to sit down with her to come up with some sort of agreement for splitting of assets/debt/child support etc, but shes not being reasonable. Should I just now go back to my lawyer and give him all the details? Including her past along with threatening me with divorce if we didnt start trying for another baby? She keeps threatening me with that I will be paying out my A$$ for child support, alimony, and the fact that my kids will have to grow up knowing that their father "cheated" ....WHICH IS NOT THE CASE....jesus, i feel soooo stuck right now. (anyone see the Hangover? the mean wife of the nice guy is a avery similar situation...lol) anyways, I have to run, baby's need me. I typed this up really quickly so if anything doesnt make sense or if i need to provide more details, I will be happy to explain further. One of the main concerns, is I dont want to be forced to live out of a tent for the next 17 years, when most of the "blame" lies on her and her upbringing, eating disorders, lies, manipulations etc. I havent treated her pefectly either, but I have a ton of friends, family that are all respectable people that will vouch for me as far as character. I was raised well by good people and taught between right and wrong. Sometimes one just ends up in a wrong position and keeps believing things will get better and better, but sometimes, it just wont work I guess. thanks for the support everyone. Edited May 9, 2010 by WHYMELOL
Recommended Posts