Got the proof I was looking for. Should I stay or go

[f123456789]

For over 2 years now I have been very suspicious that my husband of 15 years have been cheating but I could never find any big evidence. I noticed a particular number on his phone that he would contact several times a day and night and I confronted him only to be told that it was someone he was helping out because her son needed advice on a matter. I noticed a change in the way he was towards me, distant, easily aggravated by me, working late etc the usual signs. I asked him straight up if he was seeing any one, he said he would never cheat on me. He told me I was being paranoid, I knew in my gut something was not right so I deciced to leave it alone and to just watch and observe until I can get evidence.

 

3 weeks ago, he said he was going out with the boys but I had that nagging feeling that he was lying, I put a VR in his car and I GOT MY BIG EVIDENCE. Long story short he met a female at a party and after the party I heard them having sex right in the car. The things he told her were some of the same things he would tell me. The noices of them kissing, the moaning is something I would never forget. The female is also married.

 

The next day I approached him with my evidence and he was shocked. the look on his face was priceless. He broke down crying and has come clean with the full story. He has told me everything, he was seeing her for over a year and a half now, the relationship for the first half was strictly talking but became physical only recently and this was the 2nd time they had sex. He told me how he was able to meet up with her and anything I wanted to know he answered. I told him I am leaving and filing for a divorce, he is so regretful, I told him he is SORRY ONLY because he was caught. He said he does not want me to leave him, he will do anything to save the marriage. He realizes that he made a huge mistake and would like a second chance. He is so embarrased and ashamed of what he did. He would never do this again. He cries to me everyday and has lost at least 10 pounds over this. We have 2 kids under 11 years. Should I stay and try to make it work? How would i ever get over this?

P.S I cannot get what I heard out of my mind.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Dump the cheater and take all you can from him!

He is a liar and cheat!

[Minnie09]

I would dump him.

My personal opinion about cheating is that the cheating itself, whether it's physical or emotional, is less painful than the lying.

You confronted him several times in the past. He had his chance to come clean, but he decided not to.

 

I was in the same boat as you, but his A was emotional and never went physical. I didn't snoop, I found out because they were careless. In contrast to your H, however, mine is not remorseful, although he had been lying to me for a long time before he got caught (again). For me this another reason not to reconcile.

 

Maybe the fact that your H is remorseful might make it easier to give him another chance.

[You Go Girl]

Doesn't believe it's only the 2nd time they had sex. Thinks that's a lie too.

[SarahRose]

Doesn't believe it's only the 2nd time they had sex. Thinks that's a lie too.

 

Of course it's a lie.

 

The OP can just read all the OW posts and see how they and the MM are having sex like rabbits.

[redtail]

...P.S I cannot get what I heard out of my mind.

 

This is huge and the deal breaker for me. First thing, only you can decide to stay or not. However, I've had my wife cheat on me, I've since divorced and remarried. I would unequivically say, that if I had the evidence you had, I would leave in a heart beat and never look back.

 

Either way, it's a tough decision, I wish you the best of luck. But the tough part can be behind you, leaving can be very freeing and a year from now, you'll be thankful.

[JaneInVegas]

First off, I'd like to ask you a question about how the voice recorder worked out for you. While the car was in motion were you able to make out his words clearly as he talked on his cell phone, or was there too much background noise? I'm thinking of buying one, not sure if it would be worth the money or not.

 

Lots of people want to end a relationship over infidelity, and sometimes it really IS the right choice ... but sometimes it's not. Some people are truly sorry for what they've done, and others are masters at pretending they're really sorry. I'd say if he's lost 10 pounds since D-day, he is really feeling remorseful.

 

The sounds you heard will fade in time, regardless if you stay with him or not. They will, I promise. I'm sorry you had to hear them, but I'm also glad you finally got what you needed to know. Does your gut tell you to stay or go? Do you think he's capable of fixing things? I've known a lot of people who have messed up their marriage pretty badly, but were able to make it work out. Good luck, sweetie HUGS

[tnttim]

My wife cheated and we are working on a reconciliation right now, so anything is possible.

 

The glaring fact I can see is that he is very remorseful for what he did, and that's the first step in the right direction. Second, he was totally transparent about the A, even though I doubt highly it was only the second time. The third thing he has to do is break it off with OW.

 

Now on to you. IMO you had something to do with his cheating, I know I did. Your job right now should be to take care of yourself. Do some soul searching and change into a stronger, better woman. I used my wife's A as a springboard for personal change, and I became a way better man because of it. So instead of thinking about what he did, and how he should change, think about what you can do, and what you can change about yourself. You are the one and only person that can change yourself.

 

You are starting your ride on the emotional roller coaster right now, and at the beginning it is very scary. Rest assured that we all rode the coaster, and most come off the ride as a better human being. So enjoy the highs, and try not to dwell on the lows, because a high is inevitable. Good luck

 

PS: the Divorce and Separation forums are way more focused on your issue, maybe you should post there too.

[Fouts]

I give you credit for understanding that the only reason he's remorseful is because he got caught. Cheating is identical to criminal behavior, it continues on and on until finally you get caught. Criminals break down in court, read letters of apology and offer tear filled excuses. Cheaters break down at home, apologize endlessly and offer tear filled excuses.

 

He obviously wants something other than what you offer, but you have a family together, that's what is most important. You owe it to your children to provide the best life that you can for them, so it's up to you to decide how you can do that.

[just_some_guy]

There are lots and lots of very hurt people on this board.

 

Why not set a boundary, no more lying, no more cheating, set up an appointment with a counselor, give it some time and then make a decision?

 

It's up to you both whether he stays or he lives somewhere else for a while.

 

You have children together and a long term marriage, even though it has some serious problems. It is probably worth trying to at least get to the bottom of it for the sake of the kids, whether or not you stay married. If you can find a way to work it out and maintain the family, that's great, if not work on having a healthy but separate relationship. You two are entwined and will forever be since there are kids between you.

[KikiW]

IMHO, he had a chance to stop what he was doing when you initially became suspicious of him. That should have been his big effing clue that you are no dummy and you can tell something is off. He should have taken advantage (presuming he hadn't already slept with her at that time) of the wake up call and gotten his head out of his nether regions.

 

He didn't. He lost 10 pounds? Yeah I bet, because you have HARD FREAKIN EVIDENCE THAT HE EFFED SOMEONE ELSE. There is no way to deny that. There is no way to gaslight that. Yeah he says they only did it twice, but you're not stupid. How much shady stuff was building up before you put that recorder in the car? He lost weight because he got caught red-handed and you said you were leaving him.

 

Honey, walk. Take the kids, make sure the assets are split equally or better in your favor and teach your children that you are a strong woman who will put up with no crap from no one.

 

Of course, this is JMHO.

Edited May 7, 2010 by KikiW

[Cinnamon2000]

What is he willing to do to fix the marriage? Is he willing to:

 

1) take a lie detector test?

 

2) sign a post nuptial agreement giving you everything or substantial of the marriage assets if you decided to divorce him for ANY reason ANY time in the future?

 

Just to name two.

 

 

If he says no, you know it's still all about him.