How do I fix me?

[slashboo]

Hi everyone, newbie here... have been reading through the post and I like how the posters/responders seem to actually take time and care.

 

 

My question is.... I have been in my mess for a LONG time... I have lost me... and I do not know how to even start to help myself.

what I mean is.... I love him, he does not love me. simple eh? no no no not for stupid me! I love him so much... I do everything for him, I am a good wife. have always been true. not him, he had the affair, he looks at porn, he has tons of secrets, and lies, and hides things from me. and me being the naive, stupid thing I am, everyone always knows but me!

 

I have lost all desire to do things, hobbies, going out, or 'having fun' (whats that!?) I just do not want to do anything.. I have been diagnosed before with depression, took meds, gained a ton of weight, and walked around like a zombie for 2 years! no more of that! I hated that! I got off the meds, lost a ton of weight, and now am walking in my own shoes, alone, stupid, naive, and completely dumbfounded. please somebody tell me how the heck to overcome and rise above this hole I am in.

I have no extended family, so I cant just pack up and move out.

as for friends... I have no friends. the few ppl that are familiar with my family would faint if they know what really went on in my home.

 

I'm not old yet, I would like to have some fun in my life before it is to late.

my kids are grown,(and have moved out because of all the dysfunction) I have nothing left I feel like an old hag waiting to die! I'm just so lonely! and I'm not even 41 yet!

any advise would be appreciated here.

 

thanks for reading my pathetic post.... g

[awakenedatlast]

Hi there,

 

I just posted for the first time too and was really moved by your post as I can relate to how you are feeling, although our situations are quite different.

 

I, too, felt 'like an old hag waiting to die' a few years ago...when I was 33, so you see, you're not alone feeling this way. Not feeling loved and cherished, being taken for granted can have that effect, and for someone with low self-esteem (my case, perhaps your too?) it's even worse.

 

Have you though about counselling? Not everyone's cup of tea, but it would help you make choices about the life you want for yourself and give you the confidence to start the change.

 

When hit my low point a few years back (feeling worthless, lost in motherhood and doomed to a sexless and generally unfulfilling marriage) I made the conscious decision to live for me. I didn't have a huge amount of friends either, and have no family at all in the country I live in, so I set about getting involved in stuff: PTA, started a parents group, started a new sport that I'd always dreamed of doing, although that ended up opening Pandora's box, but I suppose that's not a bad thing.

 

Three years down the line I am a different woman, I feel so much better about myself, more confident, have just found a job I love.....and although my marriage is crumbling around me, actually I have never felt so good about myself, if that makes sense? It makes me sad to say it, but my joy and satisfaction in life doesn't come from my relationship with my husband, but I am getting it elsewhere, in my relationships with other people.( Not talking about sexual satisfaction....that's still to be solved!) I am trying to work on the 'beyond' this situation. Not sure what I will decide, where my life's path will take me, but while I'm trying to find the answers, I am getting stronger.

 

I wish you well.

[just_some_guy]

This is a long journey. The best bet is to find a good counselor/therapist to work on yourself.

 

If your hubby is lying to you, keeping secrets, using porn and having affairs, the question for you is: Why are you putting up with it? Deep inside, for some reason, you're not setting this boundary and the fact you brought it up means it is bothering you. Maybe in the process of numbing yourself to the hurt of all that, you've numbed yourself to the point of not having fun or living live anymore? (it's dangerous to listen to amateur therapists on the internet).

 

Maybe go find someone to talk with.

 

For me, a lot of it has been learning to recognize and respect that I grew up with people who were hurting me. Everyone who had power over me, who said they loved me, was hitting me and hurting me with their words. Even better, they'd be beating me, telling me it was for my own good because they loved me all at the same time.

[You Go Girl]

I understand this...I have been there.

He won't change, so forget that idea completely. He's never going to value intimacy and honesty like you do. He isn't of the same caliber of person. His standards are much lower, and he's not going to raise his bar, he'd prefer that you lowered yours.

So! Since you know what he is about, there's no more reason to focus on him whatsoever!

Now, for the real question! What are YOU about?

You have strengths, you have talents. Look back a few years if need be, to happier times, to dreams you have let slide away. How can you survive financially? Do you have a job that pays enough? If not, what skills, talents, do you have that can save your own life? You have them...it's a matter of seeing them, and climbing up out of the abyss.

You may not have friends, but that doesn't mean that you are not worthy of friends. You probably have a couple interests. A book club, for example, if you are a reader. Whatever your hobbies, or interests are, start there to find like minds. A self-help group. Religion, if you have one. A bird watching group, a painting group, a writing group, etc. Start looking at meetups online. You will find people who share your interests. Get out and do things for yourself--by yourself--without him.

Your children have flown the nest--you can be free! Start flapping your own forgotten wings in practice to fly away from there....

[BlindbyLove]

Hi everyone, newbie here... have been reading through the post and I like how the posters/responders seem to actually take time and care.

 

 

My question is.... I have been in my mess for a LONG time... I have lost me... and I do not know how to even start to help myself.

what I mean is.... I love him, he does not love me. simple eh? no no no not for stupid me! I love him so much... I do everything for him, I am a good wife. have always been true. not him, he had the affair, he looks at porn, he has tons of secrets, and lies, and hides things from me. and me being the naive, stupid thing I am, everyone always knows but me!

 

I have lost all desire to do things, hobbies, going out, or 'having fun' (whats that!?) I just do not want to do anything.. I have been diagnosed before with depression, took meds, gained a ton of weight, and walked around like a zombie for 2 years! no more of that! I hated that! I got off the meds, lost a ton of weight, and now am walking in my own shoes, alone, stupid, naive, and completely dumbfounded. please somebody tell me how the heck to overcome and rise above this hole I am in.

I have no extended family, so I cant just pack up and move out.

as for friends... I have no friends. the few ppl that are familiar with my family would faint if they know what really went on in my home.

 

I'm not old yet, I would like to have some fun in my life before it is to late.

my kids are grown,(and have moved out because of all the dysfunction) I have nothing left I feel like an old hag waiting to die! I'm just so lonely! and I'm not even 41 yet!

any advise would be appreciated here.

 

thanks for reading my pathetic post.... g

Wow, a woman's version of my life.

You got some pretty good advice here and maybe I should be listening to it also.