Samantha0905 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You suggested he was to blame for her actions. "The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response." Just how much effort would you think it would take for an unhappy polyamorous chick with an 11 person sex partner roster to come up with a reason to make a move? I'm thinking you could probably read the table of contents on a pack of cheese to get her worked up. :laugh:
Green Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You suggested he was to blame for her actions. "The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response." Just how much effort would you think it would take for an unhappy polyamorous chick with an 11 person sex partner roster to come up with a reason to make a move? I'm thinking you could probably read the table of contents on a pack of cheese to get her worked up. you seem worked up:cool:
BubbleFreak Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Honestly I haven't been following this thread and there are too many pages for me to catch up. I just wanted to say that yesterday I asked a male friend of mine if he would ever be attracted to another friend of mine, in a way that is "more than friends". And his reply was that he has been friends with her too long that he would always only like her in a platonic way.
sweetjasmine Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 This has happened once before - but for all you talking about how men and women shouldn't be friends - the other friend that acted out this way was ONE OF HIS GUY FRIENDS. Hm. Clearly bisexual spouses shouldn't be allowed to have any friends at all, and apparently, no married person should have anything more than the most shallow friendships with anyone, period. Sounds perfectly healthy to me...
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I picture all these people just milling around the house telling the same stories over and over because they are afraid to let the other have a social life. What the hell are we doing even talking to each other on this site? Its soooo dangerous! What about Bi people? Should they have any friends at all?
califnan Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You suggested he was to blame for her actions. "The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response." Just how much effort would you think it would take for an unhappy polyamorous chick with an 11 person sex partner roster to come up with a reason to make a move? I'm thinking you could probably read the table of contents on a pack of cheese to get her worked up. ----------------------- Again, you are minimizing to the point of insulting - one of the women that your husband has been using to add excitement to his Life and marriage.
califnan Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I picture all these people just milling around the house telling the same stories over and over -------------------- Good point Sally. This confirms to me the Using of outsiders of the opposite sex for more excitement.
xxoo Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 -------------------- Good point Sally. This confirms to me the Using of outsiders of the opposite sex for more excitement. You say it like it's a bad thing Do you also consider friendships with same-sex friends Using them if they add pleasure and fun to your life? If they spark new conversations with your partner? If they contribute to your fulfillment in this thing we call life? Using is predatory. Friendship is mutually fulfilling. Big difference!
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I feel sorry for people who can't keep their genitals under control such that they claim NO ONE can have friends of the opposite sex without screwing them. In their dreams!! I don't think it's their genitals they can't keep under control, but their fantasies (and their fears)! If their sex lives were HALF as exciting as that would imply, they wouldn't be here warning people about other sex "friends", but out having wild passionate romps!
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 ----------------------- Again, you are minimizing to the point of insulting - one of the women that your husband has been using to add excitement to his Life and marriage. Look lady, he'd know her since 9th grade. He has no control over the life she lives or the messes she gets her head in. But you can continue to make him out to be some god-like deity pulling the strings of anyone he speaks to if it suits you. She use to be a normal person and they use to be able to have normal conversation. When she started acting foolish after her 8 year relationship blew up and adopted her current self destructive (for her anyway) polyamorous life style, he thought she could respect that he doesn't live that way. Especially since one of her current partners is a very good friend of ours. He was wrong, but he isn't the cause. I figured it was only a matter of time before she tried something. I'm only surprised it took her as long as it did. But I don't worry about what he would do in that situation - with her or anyone else who thinks (like I do) that he is awesome. He IS awesome. Are you suggesting I should have picked a less desirable partner out of fear or insecurity? Maybe you've only ever had a hold of your partners through sex and cannot understand that some people have a hold on each other through honor too? You were cheated on and dropped, so I GET IT, you have trust issues. Perhaps you should spend more time working on that than you do hating on the happy relationships of others that do not hold as much fear in their hearts as you do. Then again, maybe the strangle hold you need in a relationship contributed to your getting cheated on and dropped? Maybe he was BORED having only you as a friend. Now, if you have something else to offer the thread, by all means do so. I know we are soo sooo interesting, but you need to move on. Don't call me anymore . Damn LS! Bunch of bitter haters up in here!
califnan Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 There could be no other reason - that married people correspond with those of the opposite sex, than to ingratiate their own lives. This is Using the outside person, for the sake of adding excitement to their lives, marriage. And it would be very easy for the OM or OW to get the wrong idea.
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 There could be no other reason - that married people correspond with those of the opposite sex, than to ingratiate their own lives. So... my male friend whose mother (who I know quite well) had an aneurism and is currently in ICU in hospital on the other side of the world - I can't correspond with him because that would be "ingratiating my own life"???? I can't wish him well, tell him I'm thinking of him, offer support or anything else because I'd be using him to add excitement to my life or my marriage??? :sick: WTF! That's beyond insane!
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Can you imagine the comedy that would ensue if people avoided others (of any gender) once they got married. Quickly quickly! Run to the car before anyone tries to talk to me! I can't go into work today; the new admin at work tried to talk to me about movies yesterday! Excuse me, I realize you have three cashiers with open lines, but they are of the gender I like and they ask me how my day it going. Could you open one yourself to help me get out of here with my groceries without having to screw somebody?
xxoo Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 There could be no other reason - that married people correspond with those of the opposite sex, than to ingratiate their own lives. All this tells me is that you would have no other reason to be friends with a man.
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You didn't answer the question about bi-sexual couples yet. Very telling. Come on Donna - we all know that bisexual couples only exist in dirty magazines kept under the counter in those dodgy shops. If anyone did anything like that IRL they'd go straight to hell....
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 HA HAAAAA!!!!! Keystone cops in action! Everyone running amok, whirling dervishes trying to avoid opposite chromosomes. I know - right? And the nightmare it would be if you had to use the metro for travel! You might have to sit next to an attractive person! *shiver shiver* The horror!
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Excuse me, I realize you have three cashiers with open lines, but they are of the gender I like and they ask me how my day it going. Could you open one yourself to help me get out of here with my groceries without having to screw somebody? Wow - I wish shopping was that interesting in my village!! Maybe I should move to wherever Califnan lives - things sound far more interesting there!!
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I know - right? And the nightmare it would be if you had to use the metro for travel! You might have to sit next to an attractive person! *shiver shiver* The horror! Strict segregation by sex and sexual orientation. (Best choose a scarcer combination, so that you've got more chance of getting a seat on your designated carriage...)
Owl Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I dunno. My wife is my best friend...other than my adult children, she's my only close friend. Everyone else pretty much falls into the 'acquaintance' category for me. I know for a fact that my wife's pretty much in the same boat. And frankly, we're both pretty darned happy with the way our lives are. I sure don't feel any inclination to seek out new friends or bring anyone closer than they are already...male or female. From everything my wife and I have discussed, she appears to feel the same way. If you need more friends...then you get more friends. If you're comfortable with having close personal opposite sex friends...that's fine, as long as your spouse is comfortable with your boundaries too. If the two of you can't agree on what those boundaries should be...you've got a potential problem. If you don't know where those boundaries are in your interactions with others you could be attracted to...you've got a potential problem. If you don't understand why there should be boundaries to begin with...you've got a potential problem. But frankly...myself personally...I don't recommend for most couples that they have very close friends (ESPECIALLY opposite sex) anyway. How many stories have we seen here on LS where a close opposite sex friendship led to an affair (for whatever reasons)? Heck...even same sex...how many stories have we seen here on LS where a very close SAME sex friend enabled/participated in orchestrating an affair? If a friendship of ANY kind has the potential to have more influence on your actions/feelings/day to day life than your marital partner...you've got a problem.
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 If you need more friends...then you get more friends. If you're comfortable with having close personal opposite sex friends...that's fine, as long as your spouse is comfortable with your boundaries too. If the two of you can't agree on what those boundaries should be...you've got a potential problem. Absolutely. People should partner up with like minded people. And people should also be able to respect the boundaries other relationships have rather than insult and insinuate their character for having a different view. If it is working for them - whats the problem? But if all social interaction stopped once you get married, why would anyone want to get married? Weddings would be in secret; can't invite any friends to it. Yeah, your spouse should be your best friend, but were you, prior to marriage, only able to have one friend at a time?
Owl Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 But - but - who said anything about that? Sorry....guess I understood that as being part of the context. The "idea" here is that opposite sex friends have the risk of turning into an affair. I guess I don't see how my comment about how boundaries in how much you let a friendship influence your life (that you've committed to sharing with someone else) isn't relevent?
Owl Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Absolutely. People should partner up with like minded people. And people should also be able to respect the boundaries other relationships have rather than insult and insinuate their character for having a different view. If it is working for them - whats the problem? But if all social interaction stopped once you get married, why would anyone want to get married? Weddings would be in secret; can't invite any friends to it. Yeah, your spouse should be your best friend, but were you, prior to marriage, only able to have one friend at a time? Good question. In my case, when I met my wife, I had several 'close friends'. All guys that I was stationed together with, we hung out together, etc... Over time, we all rotated out to other duty stations or got out of the military, and lost touch. I'm CAPABLE of having more than one friend at a time. I've not desired to have more friends for a very, very long time. (Been married almost 24 years now) My wife had several friends before we met, but I don't know that they were all that close...there was a lot of turmoil in her life for the couple of years before I met her. You've made me realize something that might have played a factor in her and I being each other's "#1 friend" though. I'm ex-Army. We've moved all over the world through most of our time together. The only "constant" friend in all of this that either of us had were each other, and our kids. Good point to consider. That probably did impact a lot of our views on friendship.
Green Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You should have stopped right there. Who do you think you are to tell Sally her H is "using" other women to add excitement to his marriage? Why do ANY of us have friends? I feel sorry for people who can't keep their genitals under control such that they claim NO ONE can have friends of the opposite sex without screwing them. This is a thread talking about if men and women can be friends, I suggest people not use their relationship as an example to prove a point if they don't want it analyzed which is all any one has done. Drama seems to be common theme both in the posts and life. You lack basic reading comprehension as Califan never said anything about genitals. Look lady, he'd know her since 9th grade. He has no control over the life she lives or the messes she gets her head in. But you can continue to make him out to be some god-like deity pulling the strings of anyone he speaks to if it suits you. She use to be a normal person and they use to be able to have normal conversation. When she started acting foolish after her 8 year relationship blew up and adopted her current self destructive (for her anyway) polyamorous life style, he thought she could respect that he doesn't live that way. Especially since one of her current partners is a very good friend of ours. He was wrong, but he isn't the cause. I figured it was only a matter of time before she tried something. I'm only surprised it took her as long as it did. But I don't worry about what he would do in that situation - with her or anyone else who thinks (like I do) that he is awesome. He IS awesome. Are you suggesting I should have picked a less desirable partner out of fear or insecurity? Maybe you've only ever had a hold of your partners through sex and cannot understand that some people have a hold on each other through honor too? You were cheated on and dropped, so I GET IT, you have trust issues. Perhaps you should spend more time working on that than you do hating on the happy relationships of others that do not hold as much fear in their hearts as you do. Then again, maybe the strangle hold you need in a relationship contributed to your getting cheated on and dropped? Maybe he was BORED having only you as a friend. Now, if you have something else to offer the thread, by all means do so. I know we are soo sooo interesting, but you need to move on. Don't call me anymore . Damn LS! Bunch of bitter haters up in here! So you admit yourself you saw it comming, why are you so shocked that we can see it coming to. It won't be the last time is all I'm saying. And your posts are full of anger and hate. There could be no other reason - that married people correspond with those of the opposite sex, than to ingratiate their own lives. This is Using the outside person, for the sake of adding excitement to their lives, marriage. And it would be very easy for the OM or OW to get the wrong idea. denial isn't just a river in Egypt, it runs deep. Can you imagine the comedy that would ensue if people avoided others (of any gender) once they got married. Quickly quickly! Run to the car before anyone tries to talk to me! I can't go into work today; the new admin at work tried to talk to me about movies yesterday! Excuse me, I realize you have three cashiers with open lines, but they are of the gender I like and they ask me how my day it going. Could you open one yourself to help me get out of here with my groceries without having to screw somebody? Are you truely incapable of comprehending what this thread is about? There is an objective difference between having a private relationship and a working relationship with the oposite sex. Your inability to realize these diferences would explain you lack of boundaries.
carhill Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I guess I don't see how my comment about how boundaries in how much you let a friendship influence your life (that you've committed to sharing with someone else) isn't relevent? Owl, that's precisely the dynamic and relevance our MC explained with regard to the 'appropriateness' of the friendship, within boundaries agreed to by the spouses. Inappropriate was anything outside those boundaries. Long before my EA, I had issues with and communicated boundaries regarding stbx's family and female friends being involved in and taking priority to our M, meaning they were privy to marital business and she was taking their advice into action unilaterally. I should have divorced her then rather than having an EA with an opposite sex friend. I was wrong. MC helped me see both dynamics clearly.
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Sorry....guess I understood that as being part of the context. The "idea" here is that opposite sex friends have the risk of turning into an affair. I guess I don't see how my comment about how boundaries in how much you let a friendship influence your life (that you've committed to sharing with someone else) isn't relevent? I agree that it is. For example, after she adopted her recent life style, he and I no longer felt it would be appropriate for either of us to spend solo time with her. Not because of what WE might do, but because she is bi and seems to not be very discriminating when it comes to choosing playmates. I get that some things can be construed as leading and what those things are can vary wildly. But that is life, especially if you have friends you've known for a long time. The things that made a person friend material to you might change over the years and you cannot dictate their evolving life choices. You might feel compelled for having known them so long, to be accepting and supportive of their choice. But their new attitudes can cause problems and you might have to stop dealing with them for self preservation. It is a case by case situation rather than a blanket policy to me.
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