sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 -------------------------- I still think that a husband and wife who use others (correspond) of the opposite sex, to add interest to their lives .... Are flirting with danger. Danger like getting in a car and driving somewhere? Or danger like toting a loaded gun to a church and shooting a doctor?
Green Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 The biggest leftover baggage from my childhood was the inability to draw boundaries with people. It's part my nature too, I'm an inclusive person. But I learned that having boundaries doesn't mean you're a snob or unkind, it means being self valuing. Still feel pretty foolish when I look back and see how easily I let the line be crossed. Nobody likes to feel like a chump, but boy was I one. Boundaries is exactly what you need for a good mariage. Be friends with men but don't spend alone time with them and don't call them or write them for personal reasons other then to invite them to a party that you and your husband are throwing. I have a male friend who I go out and do karaoke with regularly. My sweety knows him, though. In fact, we've all gone out together several times. I would never befriend a guy and keep it from my man. So you would be cool if your husband regularly went to a bar and played pool with a female friend? Just the two of them. I wouldn't date a woman who insisted on going to a karoke bar with another man. I think whether married or single.. If a man and woman are friends, it seems there is usually one or the other - who would like for it to be more. I agree with this if they are private friends as in they go to private dinners, or movies or private phone calls. Being friends with is not the same as being friends. Friendly and will chat with wives of my friends and female co workers is not the same as being "friends". As in spending recreational time with the opp sex. Rec time should be spent with your wife and or same sex buddies. So the answer is no. Have good boundaries and affairs will not start. I personaly don't even care if there is actual cheating, a person with out boundaries is un-dateable in my opinion. I do have male friends, but none that I can't bring around or seem to avoid being brought around my husband. When they act up, he hears about it. More to the point, when they act up, by the time he hears about it -they have already been told to take a hike. And it is not that we have to be friends with the same people. I am friendly with some people he doesn't know well and he the same. It is when invitations have been extended and the friend in question avoids following through that you get your first hint. Recently a subject in the last week for us. My husband is from the town we live in, so he has lots of old friends around. One is particular had a lot of similar interests as myself. He would invite her around - she was always busy. We went to one of her performance piece exhibits because I thought it sounded cool. She would barely talk to me. In messages he's show me, she won't use my name - calls me only "wifey". That was months ago. I told him she was going to end up causing a problem. His response was "well she hasn't so far and I've known her since 9th grade. If she does I won't know her anymore." Fair enough. This past weekend, he was at his PC and I was falling asleep in the bed next to his desk. She started off mewling in an IM about how one of the guys she is screwing around with (she is single, but polyamorous) is also screwing around with a female friend of hers. My husband had pointed out how odd it was for her to be self proclaimed polyamorous and so easily made jealous too. That she has no right to be upset when she is also seeing many other people. :eek:She starts telling him how great he is and how she wishes he'd push us into the scene, get me to not be such a prude so he could come comfort her in her favorite way......blech! He called her right then and there and told her he is tired of her only contacting him to whine about her relationship problems when she causes them and that she is not anyone he'd call friend if she is going to disrespect us this way. That he is ashamed of himself for ever defending her behavior in the past, when I had her pegged all along. Told her to never call again and that he is now glad she recently moved to another state. I had been pretty out of it till he started yelling at her and didn't really know what was going on till he showed me the IM conversations. Uggg, the worst way to be proven right is when it comes with your partner being disappointed and embarrassed. This has happened once before - but for all you talking about how men and women shouldn't be friends - the other friend that acted out this way was ONE OF HIS GUY FRIENDS. Triflin folk come in all kinds. Limiting your spouse to one gender for friends won't ensure it never happens. Be it because they want to step in your marriage or they want to have someone to run the streets with. Sound like a lot of uneeded drama in your life. -------------------------- I still think that a husband and wife who use others (correspond) of the opposite sex, to add interest to their lives .... Are flirting with danger. They are already in danger Danger like getting in a car and driving somewhere? Or danger like toting a loaded gun to a church and shooting a doctor? Danger as in your mariage has lost its harmony and seems to be taken for granted.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Sound like a lot of uneeded drama in your life. Danger as in your mariage has lost its harmony and seems to be taken for granted. What part of that has you thinking our marriage is not harmonious? We share everything. Seems to me, together - no one stands a chance of opposition against us. Drama happens, but he behaved exactly as I would if one of my friends acted out like that. Should I hold him accountable for the behavior of others or just continue to be glad we are like minded? Unnecessary would be me blaming him for the actions of someone else. Unnecessary would be us not having or making friends when we know what the other would do in this situation. The girl wanted to be dangerous; I can count on my husband to eliminate real danger rather than imagine it in every association and drive us into social lock down. We have some great friends. Ones we've met together and ones we've adopted through each other.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Yup, provided I was always invited as he is always invited. Exactly. He might get an invitation and ask me to come along, but I might not want to. I'm not going to expect him to stay at home when I know he is trustworthy. That's punishment without a crime taking place. This girl, he never went out with solo. She never wanted to be included with us; only him. He knew my thoughts on that and respected it. Even though she use to live pretty close by. Other friends have been happy to know us both and surprise surprise those friendships are more accepted and respectful. He could go out with them with or without me.
Green Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Exactly. He might get an invitation and ask me to come along, but I might not want to. I'm not going to expect him to stay at home when I know he is trustworthy. That's punishment without a crime taking place. This girl, he never went out with solo. She never wanted to be included with us; only him. He knew my thoughts on that and respected it. Even though she use to live pretty close by. Other friends have been happy to know us both and surprise surprise those friendships are more accepted and respectful. He could go out with them with or without me. If you invite your husband to a party, or a concert with a group of people that is one thing. But if you invite your partner out to do something and if they don't come it is just you and the member of the oposite sex I think that crosses the line.
califnan Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Danger like getting in a car and driving somewhere? Or danger like toting a loaded gun to a church and shooting a doctor? --------------------- Danger - as in Flirting with Danger. The woman who he has been corresponding with, obviously got to the place where she wanted the relationship to be more. Did this happen through him talking about the wife and kids and politics? No.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 --------------------- Danger - as in Flirting with Danger. The woman who he has been corresponding with, obviously got to the place where she wanted the relationship to be more. Did this happen through him talking about the wife and kids and politics? No. Pretty much yeah. Music and books and art too. And I know this because we share conversations with each other.
Green Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Pretty much yeah. Music and books and art too. And I know this because we share conversations with each other. I wouldn't want my spouse talking about these things with a member of the oposite sex. Danger
califnan Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 What part of that has you thinking our marriage is not harmonious? We share everything. Seems to me, together - no one stands a chance of opposition against us. Drama happens, but he behaved exactly as I would if one of my friends acted out like that. Should I hold him accountable for the behavior of others or just continue to be glad we are like minded? Unnecessary would be me blaming him for the actions of someone else. Unnecessary would be us not having or making friends when we know what the other would do in this situation. The girl wanted to be dangerous; I can count on my husband to eliminate real danger rather than imagine it in every association and drive us into social lock down. We have some great friends. Ones we've met together and ones we've adopted through each other. ---------------------- Yes drama is the word for it .. You two seem to be playing a game. Then the "girl" gets the wrong idea .. and that brings you two closer together - right? It is called using others for the purpose of bringing more excitement into your marriage.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I wouldn't want my spouse talking about these things with a member of the oposite sex. Danger We are talking about them right now...... Look, the point is choose who you're compatible with instead of freaking out if they talk about their job (writer) or the Spirit of Apollo album with another person. And if you can't stop being scared someone will steal them if they both like Lady Gaga's new video - you can look to relationships where people trust each other more and still have a happy relationship for encouragement.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 ---------------------- Yes drama is the word for it .. You two seem to be playing a game. Then the "girl" gets the wrong idea .. and that brings you two closer together - right? It is called using others for the purpose of bringing more excitement into your marriage. Maybe you should pray for us. Maybe we'll learn to be miserable.
shadowofman Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 What if your opposite sex friend hates your SO and is in love with you, but it's the only friend you have? But it's the only real friend you have.
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 What if your opposite sex friend hates your SO and is in love with you, but it's the only friend you have? But it's the only real friend you have. That doesn't sound like a friend. A friend wants you to be happy and wants to know and get on with the people making you happy.
Green Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 We are talking about them right now...... Look, the point is choose who you're compatible with instead of freaking out if they talk about their job (writer) or the Spirit of Apollo album with another person. And if you can't stop being scared someone will steal them if they both like Lady Gaga's new video - you can look to relationships where people trust each other more and still have a happy relationship for encouragement. Whats there to trust, sounds like an EA
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Whats there to trust, sounds like an EA As you like, just find someone to date that sees it the way you do. But to me, an EA is a good bit more involved. One where if the other person makes a move, they get a more accepting response than "don't call me anymore".
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Most adultresses have that 'just friends' guy. Yes, I believe she thought of him as emergency penis.
Green Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 But to me, an EA is a good bit more involved. One where if the other person makes a move, they get a more accepting response than "don't call me anymore". The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response. Yes, I believe she thought of him as emergency penis. With the boundaries you guys have it won't be the last time some one thinks of him that way
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response. With the boundaries you guys have it won't be the last time some one thinks of him that way Watch your mouth about my husband there Green. Its not my fault your GF can't keep her legs closed if a man talks to her about music. Of course not. We're both attractive people with lots of interests and people seem to enjoy being around us. At what point do you think we will have control over other people's thoughts or desires? If we stop talking to anyone? If we become shut ins? If we start wearing Ninja costumes? I like our boundaries. And I don't date you, so......what is your problem?
califnan Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Of course not. We're both attractive people with lots of interests and people seem to enjoy being around us. At what point do you think we will have control over other people's thoughts or desires? If we stop talking to anyone? If we become shut ins? If we start wearing Ninja costumes? I like our boundaries. And I don't date you, so......what is your problem? ----------------------------- I think the two of you could be trying to control other people's thoughts or desires.. Flirt and then pull back .. and get a kick out of it, as it powders your ego/vanity - and then say loud enough (so the spouse hears) .. "don't call me again" .. Just a game .. Are you two "players" :bunny: ?
Green Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Watch your mouth about my husband there Green. Its not my fault your GF can't keep her legs closed if a man talks to her about music. Of course not. We're both attractive people with lots of interests and people seem to enjoy being around us. At what point do you think we will have control over other people's thoughts or desires? If we stop talking to anyone? If we become shut ins? If we start wearing Ninja costumes? I like our boundaries. And I don't date you, so......what is your problem? I actualy only quoted what you had written yourself and replied it wouldn't be the last time as I don't agree with your boundaries. Now you have made it personal and made some ranting attack on my gf which makes absolutely no sense and shows your lack of maturity. Then you go on to talk about Nija costumes as if what is being said makes no sense to you. Can women and men be "friends?" YES Should there be boundaries? YES Will people do what ever they want even if it leads to drama? YES
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I actualy only quoted what you had written yourself and replied it wouldn't be the last time as I don't agree with your boundaries. Now you have made it personal and made some ranting attack on my gf which makes absolutely no sense and shows your lack of maturity. Then you go on to talk about Nija costumes as if what is being said makes no sense to you. Can women and men be "friends?" YES Should there be boundaries? YES Will people do what ever they want even if it leads to drama? YES You insulted my husband's character; you should expect your GF, mother or sister insulted in turn. If it offends you, you know then you have offended me. And Califnan is not worth responding to. Everyone is a helpless marionette unless it offends her god. Then they are accountable for their own actions with hellfire.
Green Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You insulted my husband's character; you should expect your GF, mother or sister insulted in turn. If it offends you, you know then you have offended me. And Califnan is not worth responding to. Everyone is a helpless marionette unless it offends her god. Then they are accountable for their own actions with hellfire. I did not insult your husbands character. I only quoted your post and wrote "it wouldn't be the last time" refering to the situation and your relationships boundaries on "friends" which is the topic of this thread. You are very rude and there is no excuse.
Samantha0905 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I think whether married or single.. If a man and woman are friends, it seems there is usually one or the other - who would like for it to be more. I think a lot of times this is true -- unless one or the other is homosexual. I'm not knocking homosexuals. My son is one and I'd love a great homosexual friend. It's hard to be close to and really care about someone of the opposite sex without it becoming an attraction. Unless you could absolutely not become attracted to them physically. Even if you are in a strong point in your relationship.... sometimes relationships have ebbs.... I think it would be a vulnerability if you feel too much intimacy with an opposite sex friend.
sally4sara Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I did not insult your husbands character. I only quoted your post and wrote "it wouldn't be the last time" refering to the situation and your relationships boundaries on "friends" which is the topic of this thread. You are very rude and there is no excuse. You suggested he was to blame for her actions. "The other person did make a move and had every reason to expect a more accepting response." Just how much effort would you think it would take for an unhappy polyamorous chick with an 11 person sex partner roster to come up with a reason to make a move? I'm thinking you could probably read the table of contents on a pack of cheese to get her worked up.
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