I'm At A Complete Loss

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Ok, first off, I would just like to say I'm an 18 year old male with a pretty level head. I'm quite a quiet person that's spent the last sort of 8 years studying and observing people and getting to know a bit about how society and people work. This has caused some problems in my thinking which I will explain in a bit. I came here, really, for advice. Me and my girlfriend have been together for just over 6 months and we have been living together since March. During the day, she goes to college and I basically sit about doing nothing (I do look for jobs, just can't seem to get one and I'm starting college in September anyway). While my girlfriend is at college, I get insecure and paranoid about the sort of people she's gonna be spending her day with. She has a flirty nature and says she doesn't realise when she's doing it, which I half believe, but it doesn't help me sat here not seeing how she acts around the people at college. She dresses in tops that are a little small for her, e.g. stops just above her belly button and are tank-top styled tops. She also, sometimes, wears really, quite short skirts. Now, I'm not afraid of her cheating, that's not really a concern at the moment, but when she leans forward, you can see right up the skirt and she normally wears see-through underwear with light, semi-seethrough tights. It gets to me every morning when I wake up and see her getting dressed as I think she'll wear something my insecurities disagree with. Another problem I have, is that when I said I don't do anything with my time, I mean I really do nothing. I wake up, walk my girlfriend to the train station, come home, spend all day on the internet, meet her at the end of the day and we come home and watch a movie and eat tea. I would like to do more, but it's not really an option as I have no money and I don't really know anyone up here to meet with (as we live at opposite ends of the country) apart from my girlfriend's mate, but she's busy a lot of the time. I think this causes slight depression as my girlfriend is out all day meeting people and doing things that I can't see and therefore only have her word on how she acts, and I do nothing. I think a lot of my insecurities have arisen from my previous relationship (just over a year ago) as I was blamed a lot for our break-up, which she later said wasn't my fault, but the paranoia, etc still stands in my head. One of my ideas was to go back to my original home and live there 'till I start college, meeting up with my girlfriend when I can, 'cos then we'd both have lives, rather than how it is currently with only her having a life. I'd rather not do this because it's horrible when we're apart and the distance plays tricks on my mind, plus I have some good job prospects lately for this area. My girlfriend is also thought to have dispraxia, which limits her ability to talk our problems through with me, which causes problems in itself because the original problem doesn't get solved. E.g. I will mention something that's bothering me and even if it's not having a dig (which 99% of the time that's the case), she'll take it all to heart and just go silent and start worrying but keeping it all to herself. She wants me to talk to her about my problems, which I have no quarell doing, but I feel like it's a one-way thing a lot of the time and it puts me off wanting to speak to her at all about them, especially when she just takes it to heart and nothing actually gets solved. I feel like a tyrant sometimes because of my insecurites and really just want help to be a better person.

The questions I have are:

- Would it be better in the long run for me to move back to my mum's until I start college?

 

- Am I wrong for being insecure about short skirts?

 

- Is there something I/my girlfriend should be doing to help this case?

 

- What advice could you give me about any of this?

 

Now, I love my girlfriend with all my heart and she really does brighten my day, I just think the world of her and we're very happy on the whole, but because of the loneliness I experience every day with her being at college, I feel my insecurities are just growing and making me be someone that's not truly myself. Kinda like I'm turning into the insecure person within me rather than staying as the easy going guy I've been most my life.

 

A thousand thank you's in advance to everyone who can even try and help. It's very much appreciated.

[usernamehere]

Time to return the favour.

 

I can't give you much advice because I'm in the same situation, but try and think rationally about it. Maybe the idea of her cheating will make less sense to you then.

 

Besides, if she didn't care about you or didn't want to continue the relationship, then surely she wouldnt've have let you continue it when College came around?

 

While I can't offer much in the way of advice, I can answer your questions.

 

1. No, it would not be better in the long run. I moved out of home 3 months ago and I am thoroughly enjoying the freedom that it brings. I don't know too many people around here as of yet, but staying away from home will prove better in the long run, if anything just because the experience will help you in the future. Plus you get to see your girlfriend. Big plus.

 

2. Yes and no. Mostly And I know its a lousy answer. You could see it as "slutty", if you really wanted to make yourself paranoid, but at the end of the day, wonder who she's wearing them for? Who did she buy them for? Guys perve. It's in men's nature (although I must admit, I've - unintentionally, might I add - stopped since getting into a relationship). The wandering eyes of men are something you both have to deal with. I'd take it as a compliment. To quote Borat, "you cannot have this!". Think that to yourself. Then remember who she puts on those clothes for, and who takes them off at the end of the day. If it really, really bothers you that much, then consider talking to her about it. I bolded consider, because you do not want to offend her. Women are very tetchy like that.

 

3. Heart to heart conversation. And if that doesn't work, then talk to her, and maybe her family, about counselling. Maybe an evaluation for her dyspraxia.

 

4. I think you should take your own advice on this one. Just try not to let it go to your head too much. As you said, it's healthy to be a bit weary of threats etc, but don't overthink it. Just because you've been bitten doesn't mean you should be shy, if you're confident that this relationship can work out well. Remember, "There's normally a rational explanation".

 

You know who said that?

You did.

 

Hope I could help. All the best.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Funny how, as people, we can help each other out but normally not ourselves.

 

I hear you man. You made some good points there, really good points. There's still some unsolved issues in there, but you covered the main ones.

 

1. Yes you're right, I do get to see her everyday and I know a lot of couples (such as yourself) don't get that pleasure. Maybe taking a week to go down and see my folks and friends every so often wouldn't be a bad idea though.

 

2. Bit hit and miss here. She actually got the skirt bought for her and when she wears them, she wears them at college. I only see her in them for 20 minutes in the morning and then another 20 when she comes home, cos when she's home, she takes it off. Therefore I don't really get to see her in it. Also, I asked her to wear it a couple weeks ago with her black tights (cos she told me she only wore skirts with her black tights) and she said no. Then first week back at college, after her saying that, and she wears it with semi-seethrough tights and seethrough underwear. I only asked for her to wear it to town too lol. I wouldn't mind so much, if I was with her when she wore it, cos I'd be around to stop any trouble that could come to her.

 

3. You got it there mate. Me and her mum keep telling her to go for an evaluation but she doesn't want to. She will go, cos it's for her benefit but we just haven't got round to it yet. Thanks for putting the idea back in my head though, I'd forgotten about getting her a consultation.

 

I think, for me, counselling would be the best way. I can't talk to her mum about it, cos her mum thinks she's right about everything and would probably take me saying these problems in a bad way and get the wrong idea. I am yet to try my dad however. I can talk to him about a lot and have been meaning to have a conversation with him about it. I don't want him getting the wrong idea about my girlfriend though. But again, the idea about talking to my dad had slipped my mind, so thanks for reminding me.

 

4. It's hard to be rational sometimes but I know you're right. I think once I get the chance to meet the people she hangs around with, it'll make things easier cos I can see how they all act and whether they pose any REAL threat. Also, I think it'll be easier once I start college in September because I'll be around her more often so I'll feel at ease that I'm that there to protect her if need be.

 

Funnily enough, last night, she got a text and asked me to read it and it was from Tom (the guy I mentioned who I'm sure has ulterior motives) and my girlfriend couldn't remember what she text him. So I looked back at the texts and read it to her but realised the text, to him, was sent at 14:21. Problem is, she text me at 14:10 saying she couldn't text back cos her lesson had just started.

 

Now she said the reason was that the phone didn't actually send it till that time. But that's the first time her phone had done that and it's with the guy she kinda flirts with and who likes her. So I got paranoid and things. Plus, like your girlfriend, when I asked her about it, she couldn't provide a reason 'till about half an hour after I brought it up.

 

Miscommunication is a b*stard.

 

Thanks for the help though man. I appreciate you returning the favour when you really didn't have to and it has straightened things out. I still think I could do with some councelling sessions, but maybe I'm just being stupid. Either way, I do feel a lot better and I'll now remember to book her a consultation and to speak to my dad at the next possible opportunity.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Can anyone else provide any advice?

[ICouldSayTheSame]

UPDATE:

 

Lately, I feel as though I'm the one that tends to give in this relationship and she's the one that tends to take. Also, this Tom guy text her the other day saying he had broken up with his girlfriend... Great... So now he's single to pursue my girlfriend even more. I know he has ulterior motives, but I can't tell my GF because she'll just think I'm being jealous and I don't want that.

 

Also, he text her last night asking her for a drink down the pub sometime because (and I quote from him) "I thought it would be better than asking you over my house." Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that's a little dodgy to say to someone with a boyfriend? Bear in mind my GF and Tom have only known each other for about 2 months.

 

To make it worse, my GF replied with "yeah, that would be cool, we should get a group of us." Now, she flirts with Tom and I know this, so do you think she might have something for him and this is giving her the chance to "get to know him better"? Or, do you think I'm being paranoid and she just doesn't realise she's been asked out?

 

Oh and lastly, while I was making tea last night, she was texting and I asked if she was texting her best mate (cos I could see from afar that she'd written a long text) and she said yes. She said she was texting her best mate and another girl, who I won't name. I found out this morning when she asked me to read out a text, that she'd also been texting Tom. Why did she keep that bit from me? Should I be worried/concerned? Or am I blowing things out of proportion?

 

Seriously, I need help with these problems... I don't know what to do anymore, so please help.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Bump. Can no-one give me any more help? It's getting worse... She lied to me this morning about texting someone and there's loads more to it. Help me please.

[someotherguy]

You're young, you'll have a lot more relationships, don't let this one hurt you too badly.

 

Here's my opinion.

 

She's young, and just wants to have fun. Her idea of a relationship means she's probably something like 60% committed to you, which is fine at your age.

 

You're both supposed to be experimenting and learning how to deal with other people, both in and out of relationships.

 

Right now she's pushing the boundaries of your bond together to see what she can get away with, and whether you're a doormat or not. It doesn't mean she's a dirty whore, just that she hasn't learned healthy, respectful behavior yet.

 

You can take steps to correct her behavior, and it will be worth it, but it may result in ending your relationship sooner rather than later.

 

You need to talk to her about this, and rationally explain your position that flirting with other men and building emotional bonds with them when both parties know there is sexual chemistry involved is a terrible idea and does not encourage a healthy relationship between the two of you.

 

She needs to know that her lies, misdirection, and general shadiness are not acceptable and that there will be repercussions.

 

In short, you need to be ready to dump her if she fails to come clean and start treating you with respect. And - you need to mean it. Be prepared to kick her out of your life. There's 3 billion more women on the planet, surely there's one somewhere that will treat you right.

[stace79]

I agree with someotherguy. I was in a relationship in which I was the giver and he was the taker. It did not change until I broke up with him and didn't speak with him for almost three weeks. It scared the crap out of him that I was gone for good, and he immediately started treating me better when I agreed to talk to him again.

 

Be prepared though -- the girl may not want you that badly to begin with (thus her shady behavior) and she may not come back. But as others have said -- you are young. Odds are this is not the girl you are going to marry. It will be sad, but don't be too bent up over it if things don't work out.

 

You should focus on yourself, getting in to school and finding a job, and being happier on your own. Get some hobbies, even if it's just writing in a journal or walking or visiting free museums or something like that. YOu can find things to do that don't take money!

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Been a long time since I was last on here... Managed to sort out that problem in the end but I am now faced with another (thanks to all those who gave advice, it was really appreciated).

 

My girlfriend lately told me her feelings for her ex have come back. They broke up a year ago and my GF says she needs time to get over him, even though we've been together 8 months. I have called a break while she does this but she came to me today in an email and said she had spoken to her ex, he asked if they wanted to get back together but she said no cos she is happy with me. She also said they came to the arrangement of building up their friendship cos they think this will "eradicate relationship feelings". This seems like total horse trollop to me and I said that it just won't work cos if she's got feelings for him still, building a friendship could lead to stronger feelings of love for him later on.

 

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? She still loves me and wants me, not her ex, but I just feel her solution isn't going to work.

[impz]

Been a long time since I was last on here... Managed to sort out that problem in the end but I am now faced with another (thanks to all those who gave advice, it was really appreciated).

 

My girlfriend lately told me her feelings for her ex have come back. They broke up a year ago and my GF says she needs time to get over him, even though we've been together 8 months. I have called a break while she does this but she came to me today in an email and said she had spoken to her ex, he asked if they wanted to get back together but she said no cos she is happy with me. She also said they came to the arrangement of building up their friendship cos they think this will "eradicate relationship feelings". This seems like total horse trollop to me and I said that it just won't work cos if she's got feelings for him still, building a friendship could lead to stronger feelings of love for him later on.

 

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? She still loves me and wants me, not her ex, but I just feel her solution isn't going to work.

 

I call that BS (or how you state it, horse trollop) simply because the best way to not have feelings is simply to NC (no contact) with someone. If she keeps having to and fros between the relationship with you and her ex, she's not ready to commit to a single monogamous relationship which seems to be what you want.

 

This will not sound like good advice and people can correct me, but I think it's time to let her go and see what she does. If she does not come back, at least you know the love between the two of you isn't that strong anyway. She is young, curious and keen to explore things. If she comes back to you permanently, it's all good.

 

So, my advice, tell her you want a long break, you want to properly resolve her feelings and say that building a friendship will not work since both her ex and her probably have feelings for each other. Psychologically speaking, it will simply make them closer. So, you can do the gentlemanly thing, step aside, let her decide what the hell she wants, and you go explore the world more.

[Windsurf66]

Been a long time since I was last on here... Managed to sort out that problem in the end but I am now faced with another (thanks to all those who gave advice, it was really appreciated).

 

My girlfriend lately told me her feelings for her ex have come back. They broke up a year ago and my GF says she needs time to get over him, even though we've been together 8 months. I have called a break while she does this but she came to me today in an email and said she had spoken to her ex, he asked if they wanted to get back together but she said no cos she is happy with me. She also said they came to the arrangement of building up their friendship cos they think this will "eradicate relationship feelings". This seems like total horse trollop to me and I said that it just won't work cos if she's got feelings for him still, building a friendship could lead to stronger feelings of love for him later on.

 

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? She still loves me and wants me, not her ex, but I just feel her solution isn't going to work.

 

All BGR relationships, started from a friendship right? She should not be building up a friendship, the direction is wrong because building up the friendship is heading towards a relationship. It should be building down and minimizing the friendship. They should cut down the frequency and duration of their meet ups, and they should never meet up alone. You should be careful with her, esp since its her ex.

 

The other thing of concern, is her dressing. She dressed in sexy tights to her college, but when you had asked her to dress similar when going to town with you, she refused. Reg flag, cos it should be the opposite. Does she dress up for Tom or her ex?

[ICouldSayTheSame]

So, my advice, tell her you want a long break, you want to properly resolve her feelings and say that building a friendship will not work since both her ex and her probably have feelings for each other. Psychologically speaking, it will simply make them closer. So, you can do the gentlemanly thing, step aside, let her decide what the hell she wants, and you go explore the world more.

 

Funnily enough, I emailed her this morning saying that this break will continue until she sorts things out and doesn't become friends with him. I know it's bull**** and would never work and so does her ex.. Sadly my GF is believing his stupid lies cos she still has feelings for him. I'm going to wait to see how she replies before acting on it... But I'm ready to let her go if she isn't willing to cut contact from him.

 

All BGR relationships, started from a friendship right? She should not be building up a friendship, the direction is wrong because building up the friendship is heading towards a relationship. It should be building down and minimizing the friendship. They should cut down the frequency and duration of their meet ups, and they should never meet up alone. You should be careful with her, esp since its her ex.

 

The other thing of concern, is her dressing. She dressed in sexy tights to her college, but when you had asked her to dress similar when going to town with you, she refused. Reg flag, cos it should be the opposite. Does she dress up for Tom or her ex?

 

I know exactly what you mean. Friendships can lead to relationships and when the two people have feelings for each other, what's really stopping them from hooking up? Nothing. He lives in Australia, so they don't meet up at all, but he finishes uni soon and could move over here to be with her. I am really weary about them, trust me. If she wants to throw our 8 month relationship away for "friendship" then I guess I should save dignity and get the hell out of there.

 

She did dress up for Tom when we went to meet him for the first time, but I don't see him as a threat. She dresses up for going to town and things too. I love this girl, but I don't feel like she treats me as her boyfriend... More so just someone that's there to give her company cos she's scared of being alone... I guess if she chooses me over her ex, then I could say she does love me as a boyfriend, but I don't know if she'd choose me... She should email me back around 6, so I guess I'll find out then.

[stace79]

I have been there and done that, so trust me ... PLEASE. If I could go back five years ago and break it off with my then-bf, I would. He still had feelings for his ex, too, and he wouldn't go NC with her. It blew up in my face -- he went back to her while dragging me along with him. I couldn't sleep or eat, bc not only was he not with me, I KNEW he was still seeing her, too, trying to "figure things out". There was even one weekend where I spent one day with him, and we fooled around and everything, and then I found out the next day she came up to see him the very same night after I left around 5 pm in the afternoon.

 

RUN. Don't walk. Get as far away from this situation as possible. It will hurt. But you will hurt far more if you let her drag you through this.

[Windsurf66]

Funnily enough, I emailed her this morning saying that this break will continue until she sorts things out and doesn't become friends with him. I know it's bull**** and would never work and so does her ex.. Sadly my GF is believing his stupid lies cos she still has feelings for him. I'm going to wait to see how she replies before acting on it... But I'm ready to let her go if she isn't willing to cut contact from him.

 

 

I know exactly what you mean. Friendships can lead to relationships and when the two people have feelings for each other, what's really stopping them from hooking up? Nothing. He lives in Australia, so they don't meet up at all, but he finishes uni soon and could move over here to be with her. I am really weary about them, trust me. If she wants to throw our 8 month relationship away for "friendship" then I guess I should save dignity and get the hell out of there.

 

She did dress up for Tom when we went to meet him for the first time, but I don't see him as a threat. She dresses up for going to town and things too. I love this girl, but I don't feel like she treats me as her boyfriend... More so just someone that's there to give her company cos she's scared of being alone... I guess if she chooses me over her ex, then I could say she does love me as a boyfriend, but I don't know if she'd choose me... She should email me back around 6, so I guess I'll find out then.

 

Oh, you know what, you don't really have to let her go. If she doesn't treat and respect you as a bf, then u can do the same to her. Just treat her as a spare and don't put your real feelings in. You are not obligated to her in any way if she treats you this way. At the same time, start meeting up with people. When you have met someone who treats you well, then tell this one to f*** off

[stace79]

Oh, you know what, you don't really have to let her go. If she doesn't treat and respect you as a bf, then u can do the same to her. Just treat her as a spare and don't put your real feelings in. You are not obligated to her in any way if she treats you this way. At the same time, start meeting up with people. When you have met someone who treats you well, then tell this one to f*** off

 

Just b/c one person acts like a jerk doesn't mean he should also lower himself...

[ICouldSayTheSame]

I have been there and done that, so trust me ... PLEASE. If I could go back five years ago and break it off with my then-bf, I would. He still had feelings for his ex, too, and he wouldn't go NC with her. It blew up in my face -- he went back to her while dragging me along with him. I couldn't sleep or eat, bc not only was he not with me, I KNEW he was still seeing her, too, trying to "figure things out". There was even one weekend where I spent one day with him, and we fooled around and everything, and then I found out the next day she came up to see him the very same night after I left around 5 pm in the afternoon.

 

RUN. Don't walk. Get as far away from this situation as possible. It will hurt. But you will hurt far more if you let her drag you through this.

 

That soounds pretty **** in all honesty. Sorry to hear that. You are right though, I will end up getting dragged along if she doesn't go NC and I still put my all in. I'm just gonna go with Windsurf's idea. If we can't come to a suitable agreement, I'll just treat her as a spare. It'll be her fault, so she can't really complain. She wants her cake, your cake, my cat's cake and the man down the road's cake and to eat all of them in under 30 seconds... Well it just ain't gonna happen.

 

Oh, you know what, you don't really have to let her go. If she doesn't treat and respect you as a bf, then u can do the same to her. Just treat her as a spare and don't put your real feelings in. You are not obligated to her in any way if she treats you this way. At the same time, start meeting up with people. When you have met someone who treats you well, then tell this one to f*** off

 

Lmao. I have considered doing that for a while now. I think I might just take that approach tbh. If she can't go NC with her ex, then I'm just gonna go out and try find someone better, while getting what I can from her in the meantime. Sounds harsh, but every woman I've been with has done it to me so **** it.

[stace79]

Lmao. I have considered doing that for a while now. I think I might just take that approach tbh. If she can't go NC with her ex, then I'm just gonna go out and try find someone better, while getting what I can from her in the meantime. Sounds harsh, but every woman I've been with has done it to me so **** it.

 

I understand your bitterness toward her, but I really think if you are looking out for your best interests, you should just walk away. Revenge isn't going to make you feel any better about the situation. If I could go back, I would walk away clean with my head held high, knowing I did nothing wrong and one day that person would regret how they handled the situation.

[Windsurf66]

Just b/c one person acts like a jerk doesn't mean he should also lower himself...

 

He is not lowering himself. There is no lowering, since the gf does not treat him as a bf, and he is in no way obligated to treat her as a gf. He just need to treat her as a normal friend

[Windsurf66]

That soounds pretty **** in all honesty. Sorry to hear that. You are right though, I will end up getting dragged along if she doesn't go NC and I still put my all in. I'm just gonna go with Windsurf's idea. If we can't come to a suitable agreement, I'll just treat her as a spare. It'll be her fault, so she can't really complain. She wants her cake, your cake, my cat's cake and the man down the road's cake and to eat all of them in under 30 seconds... Well it just ain't gonna happen.

 

 

 

Lmao. I have considered doing that for a while now. I think I might just take that approach tbh. If she can't go NC with her ex, then I'm just gonna go out and try find someone better, while getting what I can from her in the meantime. Sounds harsh, but every woman I've been with has done it to me so **** it.

 

Hi,

 

there is nothing harsh about it. She is free to date around with her ex and whoever else, so are you. If it is not exclusive for one, it is NOT exclusive for both.

[Windsurf66]

I understand your bitterness toward her, but I really think if you are looking out for your best interests, you should just walk away. Revenge isn't going to make you feel any better about the situation. If I could go back, I would walk away clean with my head held high, knowing I did nothing wrong and one day that person would regret how they handled the situation.

 

I think you are mistaken. This isn't about revenge or what. It is being pragmatic. If a girl does not treat him as an exclusive bf and wants to date around, the same rights should be extended to him as well. He is NOT doing anything wrong, he is NOT married to this girl who is flirting around. If you feel it is wrong by your standards, that is your problem

[Diezel]

My girlfriend lately told me her feelings for her ex have come back. They broke up a year ago and my GF says she needs time to get over him, even though we've been together 8 months. I have called a break while she does this but she came to me today in an email and said she had spoken to her ex, he asked if they wanted to get back together but she said no cos she is happy with me. She also said they came to the arrangement of building up their friendship cos they think this will "eradicate relationship feelings". This seems like total horse trollop to me and I said that it just won't work cos if she's got feelings for him still, building a friendship could lead to stronger feelings of love for him later on.

 

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? She still loves me and wants me, not her ex, but I just feel her solution isn't going to work.

 

It's over. I'm sorry.

 

I'll be honest, I didn't read any of the other responses, but it doesn't matter. You're right, it is a bunch of bull. She essentially destroyed her relationship with you in order to rebuild her relationship with him.

 

She says that she loves you and wants you, but in reality, she wants to keep stringing BOTH of you along.

 

You're 18. You are young. You shouldn't have been living with her in the first place. You are WAY too young for that. If HER solution ISN'T the same as YOUR solution, then the only solution is to EJECT.

[stace79]

I think you are mistaken. This isn't about revenge or what. It is being pragmatic. If a girl does not treat him as an exclusive bf and wants to date around, the same rights should be extended to him as well. He is NOT doing anything wrong, he is NOT married to this girl who is flirting around. If you feel it is wrong by your standards, that is your problem

 

If you are simply saying to date other people, then yes, I see no problem with that. If you are advocating that he "use" her as a F buddy or just sleep with her in a spirit of revenge, then that is what I have a problem with.

 

Personally, in my situation which was similar to his, it would have been impossible for me to date my then-bf and other people. I had feelings for him, and it just doesn't usually work out well for the one who has feelings.

 

I still stand by the recommendation that he should just cut her loose and walk away without looking back.

[Windsurf66]

If you are simply saying to date other people, then yes, I see no problem with that. If you are advocating that he "use" her as a F buddy or just sleep with her in a spirit of revenge, then that is what I have a problem with.

 

Personally, in my situation which was similar to his, it would have been impossible for me to date my then-bf and other people. I had feelings for him, and it just doesn't usually work out well for the one who has feelings.

 

I still stand by the recommendation that he should just cut her loose and walk away without looking back.

 

Haha, you mean to say you are 100% sure that the gf is not using him? Using him as a F buddy as well, using him as a backup, using him financially, emotionally etc? Well, to me, his gf keeping him around while exploring with the ex, is using him. Well, thats what friends with benefits are for, isn't it? Who are you to judge him when it is clear that the gf is going to build UP the friendship with the ex.

[stace79]

Haha, you mean to say you are 100% sure that the gf is not using him? Using him as a F buddy as well, using him as a backup, using him financially, emotionally etc? Well, to me, his gf keeping him around while exploring with the ex, is using him. Well, thats what friends with benefits are for, isn't it? Who are you to judge him when it is clear that the gf is going to build UP the friendship with the ex.

 

I'm not judging anyone. When you get to a certain stage of maturity, you realize that an "eye for an eye" isn't always the best policy. In my experience, since I had feelings for that bf who was jerking me around, still staying close to him even if I was "using him" was still going to hurt me in the long run.

 

It sounds like the OP genuinely liked and cared for this girl, so IMO he is looking out for his own best interests by cutting her off completely. Just move on. There are plenty of women out there to casually date OR have a solid LTR with, without resorting to tit-for-tat revenge.

[Els]

OP,

 

I'm gonna address the first part of the thread first, as I think you've gotten plenty of opinions about the ex. I think you need to get a life. And I mean that in the kindest way possible.

 

There is no excuse for sitting around being miserable and lonely all day til college starts, even if you DON'T have a job and therefore no money. Do what you need to do to make YOUR life better. Go take long walks and work out. Go do volunteer work. Go to free events/gatherings that involve your hobbies and meet people. Do you seriously think that the ONLY place you can ever have a life of your own is back at your mum's place?

 

This is a key issue not only in this relationship, regardless of what happens with the ex, but in ANY relationship. It's different if circumstances really force you to be miserable - ie you have cancer, your sibling is dying, you're stuck in a terrible job that you absolutely need to stay in if you don't want to starve, etc. But what I see here is a guy with a 3-month holiday that he could do ANYTHING with, and instead he's sitting around at home. Now, there's nothing wrong with sitting around at home if you truly have interesting and fulfilling things to do at home.. but moaning and obsessing over what your gf wore to college today is NOT on that list.

 

By the way, you're reading way too much into the skirt thing. She refused you once. Gosh, she might not have felt like wearing one that day. It might've been cold. She might be on her period. She just felt like wearing jeans. Way to extrapolate.