Blue_bird Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Alright, so let me start off by saying that I love my fiance, but when I met him I didn't expect to fall for him like this. I was just out of a relationship and wanted to have some fun, but he is absolutly amazing. I am young though, I am only 21 and litterally been in relationships for the past five years, and he is older, but was virtually inexpierienced when I met him. A week ago I said to him, I love you and you love me, but since I am the only person you have ever been with, you should really go try someone new before the wedding, that way your not sewing wild oats in fifteen years when we have a house and kids and a dog. I was honest said I wanted to as well, that as much as I love him and will never regret saying yes to the proposal, I do regret not having time for me inbetween the two relationships. He was put off by the idea, says he only wants me and if I did go with someone else it make him very unhappy and he would leave. Then out of anger he said 'What ever, do what you need to do". So I did what I needed to do, slept with someone else, and now I find myself to be much more interested in my sex life with my fiance, I am cooking more, keeping a better house. I find that I am just trying more, and not out of guilt, but happiness, that I have done it, now I know what I have is what I want, and my fiance is happier too, but still clueless. Should I tell him, or should I keep it my little secret?
JustJoe Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Oh no, never tell him anything. I mean a marriage based on deceit is what everybody wants, right?
USMCHokie Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 So what's going to prevent you from doing this again...a few weeks, months, or years down the line when you're feeling a bit antsy with your relationship...? You've basically convinced yourself that it's ok to go out and have a fling just to make yourself feel better about your fiance... Do this man a favor and tell him. Let him decide what he wants to do. ....I knew there was a reason I avoid the infidelity forum like the plague...
jnj express Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Do him a bigger favor and leave alltogether----YOU KNEW HE DIDN'T WANT YOU SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN---yet you did it anyway. Do not sit there and justify your cheating by saying how wonderful everything is now---cuz if you do ever tell him---I am willing to bet he leaves you. If you do tett and own up to the truth do it before your wedding day. It will be much worse if he finds out afterward.
Bryanp Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Unbelievable. You put the man you are going to marry at risk for STD's and betray him 3 months before you get married. You must tell him the truth. He has a right to determine whether he wishes to continue in this relationship or not. It is not all about you.
jnj express Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Hey Blue Bird----You said you needed to have sex with someone else. You were engaged, just exactly why did you need to be with someone else, especially after you agreed to get married. Do you have no morals, do you have no boundaries, or are you just still an immature kid who wants something, and takes it at all costs, no matter what harm is inflicted. You were so desperate to justify your cheating you tried to get your fiance to go out and cheat. To bad for him, that he has scruples, and morals. Whoever you did, you wanted it so bad, that you just didn't care, well what is gonna keep you from repeating your cheating when this same guy comes around again, cuz from the sound of this, you already knew him, and you had to have one more fling with him, who cares if you hurt your fiance, am i right????
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Blue, you are sooooo not ready to get married. I married at 21 and it was the craziest, most stupid thing I ever did. What an idiot. Crazy kid that I was.... You really do not want to be in a relationship, right now, let alone think of marriage. You are way too young and there is still room for both you and your BF to develop, mature, grow and live a little. Marriage in this case would be completely, utterly and totally inappropriate. Your heart's certainly not in it, and the rest of your body ain't keen on lifetime fidelity either. Read that again. You are preparing to commit to a lifetime of fidelity with one single other person. That would be the guy who's with you right now. You know, the person who has no experience but you. And to whom you pointed out that in time he would stray. Something you've done already. There's a minor flaw in this plan, right? We can see it a mile off. I guess we're just trying to show it to you.....
on1wheel Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 No offense, but if U marry @ 21 you'll be divorced by 22!!! That is assuming he still marries you after you tell him that you cheated. You have to tell him...you must. If you don't tell him then you do not really love him & want what's best for him. Because marriage is about love, honour & respect. It is a selfless union; wanting more for your partner than yourself. That is clearly not what you did is it? I don't believe ANY 21 year old should marry, as they don't even know who they really are @ that age. But if you do want to marry that young, then you @ least have to be ready for all of the sacrifices associated with it...YOU AREN'T!!! You have already cheated & ur not even married yet. Use this F-up as the sign that it is...ur not ready. Tell him kindly & see IF he still wants to be engaged to U. If so, then work on ur relationship & have a nice long engagement. Trust me, marriage is hard enough when ur ready; impossible when ur not. Good luck Kiddo.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man, you owe it to him to let him know exactly who it is that he is marrying. The reason you're so happy is not because you had sex with someone else. It's because you cheated on your fiancé and got away with it. And you'll do it again when the opportunity presents itself. I think perhaps you are one of those who doesn't realize what work and what commitment marriage is. I imagine you're primarily focused on having a wedding and wearing a pretty dress than you are on the lifetime commitment a marriage represents.
Katerina Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) You need to grow up first... :-/ And it's not your age, it's your obvious immaturity. I say "not your age" because I myself married at 20 yrs old (not unusual in my culture, though). Never once did I consider being with someone else, or "missing out on things", or "not having time for myself" once we started talking about the future (not even engaged yet then). Please, do your fiance a favor, let him go. Edited May 5, 2010 by Katerina
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 It was a mistake to get involved with him so soon after your previous relationship ended. Unless you're really ready to settle down and start building your life with this guy, (and honestly it doesn't sound like you're ready to be committed in a marriage) you should think about ending it. He told you to go do whatever you need to do, but he didn't mean it. He wants you to be happy, so he white lied to you, saying it was OK. Let him go so you can sow your own oats. This has nothing to do with him. Inexperience or not, he seemed ready to make a committment to you, and it seems you used the excuse that HE one day may cheat on you... Reflecting maybe your own inner thoughts, that it's not him to cheat in the future, but you.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 He was put off by the idea, says he only wants me and if I did go with someone else it make him very unhappy and he would leave. Then out of anger he said 'What ever, do what you need to do". So I did what I needed to do, slept with someone else, and now I find myself to be much more interested in my sex life with my fiance, I am cooking more, keeping a better house. I find that I am just trying more, and not out of guilt, but happiness, that I have done it, now I know what I have is what I want, and my fiance is happier too, but still clueless. Should I tell him, or should I keep it my little secret? So let me get this straight. He makes it known to you that if you didn't think enough of him to screw someone else that it would upset him and he'd leave....so you did it anyway. And now you are happy that you did it because now you know you want him. Sorry, gotta call bulls##t on that. So now you are wondering whether to tell him. I think you won't because of what he said the consequences would be. So not telling him would be for your own selfish end. He now doesn't know the person he is about to marry. he thinks he does, but he doesn't. What should you do? Call off the engagement. You did the same thing my x-wife did. And then I found out 8 years later when it was too late to easily get out. Not only that, she robbed me of about 10% of my life that I'll never get back. So by not telling him you will rob him of the ability to make choices about his life and how it turns out. He will marry someone with a lie under her belt. And I don't believe for a minute that one sexual encounter is enough to satisfy you before taking a plunge. If you can do this to him, someone you claim is the best thing that ever happened to you, this early in the relationship, just wait til you have been married for a while. I guarantee you'll be looking to sew more oats later behind his back. Tell him and let him make up his mind if he should keep you. Or don't tell him and break off the engagement and spare him. or be COMPLETELY selfish, don't tell him, keep him in the dark, play him for a fool, and let him marry someone he only thinks he knows. Those are your 3 choices.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Do him a bigger favor and leave alltogether----YOU KNEW HE DIDN'T WANT YOU SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN---yet you did it anyway.. to the point and right on the money.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Did you even use protection??? WTF Yuck! You know there's aids out there right??? Herpes, the clap? HPV??? WTF was sleeping with someone else so important you just couldnt control yourself? Again, why get married if your gonna do dumb crap?
SueBee3490 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 well the man I married cheated on me 3 weeks before marrying me - all behind I back. I wish I would have known - my life would be much different now. Also they didn't use protection - so yuck as chrome said. I was so disgusted that he would put me at risk - I think I was madder about that than the actual cheating! You need to tell him. You may feel all lovey-dovey now but I'm sure he won't see things the same as you.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I second that, except I was the husband whose now-ex-wife screwed around during the engagement. (She also did it again within weeks after the wedding and at least a few more times after that.) If I`d known the truth, I would never have married her and my life would`ve taken a different path. But she denied me that choice by keeping things secret. It took me several years to move beyond hating her for doing that to me. Don`t be a selfish idiot. Come clean with him NOW. Give him the respect and care you didn`t give him when you fycked the other guy. Take the consequences, and consider this a life lesson painfully learned.
JustJoe Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Hey people, I think that Blue bird has left the building.
lostsunsets Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I hope your fiance wises up to the kind of girl you are b4 he marries you. I doubt that you will tell him. It would be inconsistent with the type of person you are. That is a liar and cheater.
Lecturer Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I love how she is so 'matter of fact' about it... like sleeping with other people is just something you make a choice to do, and it happens within 24 hours, then you go back to the way things were. I wonder who this other man was that she slept with. I mean.. its not a sex toy.. the other man was a PERSON. Either it was a friend/someone she knew (in which case that alone complicates the hell out of things), or it was an anonymous ONS-style encounter, in which she took serious health risks for herself and fiance. I always say I don't judge cheaters.. but I have trouble with this one, which was: 1. Premeditated 2. Unapologetic 3. Unnecessary (my wife and I are each other's only partners, started dating at 16, been together 11 years) 4. Potentially Dangerous I really do wish I could talk to the OP further. I would love to know how she came to the decision that they needed to sleep with other people, why she bothered asking or discussing it with her fiance if she was going to do it anyway, who the guy was, how long it took her to get to sex, and if at any time (including before) she questioned if it was a good idea.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Hey people, I think that Blue bird has left the building. It's possible...if she was a troll, then they're absent even whilst they're still here....
Katerina Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I think OP isn't mentally all together... I mean, how tells their finance to go sleep with someone else??? Three month before the wedding or not... she was ok with that?
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Hey people, I think that Blue bird has left the building. lots of people tend to run from the cold hard truth until they find that which they wish to hear.
seibert253 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Hey people, I think that Blue bird has left the building. Yeap didn't like what she was reading. I guess she expected everyone to agree that screwing another dude while engaged was OK. After all, we all need to "find ourselves", prior to getting married. Shame, feel sorry for her future H. She'll never tell him.
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