wingman2 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Some of you on here have been keeping up with my story and know me and my ex have been broken up for 2 months now. What some of you probably don't know is why she left me. I'll start off by saying that this has been a pretty rough year for me. Last January I found out my credits at college this year were non transferable so I pretty much lost a year of school. Then in February I lost my job, the company I worked for moved to a different state. It was the best job I've had so far, paying $17.50 an hour. Then my mom got diagnosed with a heart condition which left me really worried. I also lost one of my pets and to top it all off my sister is in a really abusive relationship where I always have to intervene. Life has been really stressful and as a result, it cuts my ability to communicate. People who know me, know very well that when I'm undergoing a lot of stress and anxiety or I'm feeling depressed, I tend to just shut myself off from the rest of the world. This created a lot of issues on my end of the relationship. Many times I wanted to go on a break with my ex to focus on my own responsibilities but at the same time I didn't want to scare her or put her through pain but breaks are only temporary, I would have gotten back to her, I just felt I couldn't give her as much attention as she wanted to and I had a lot going on. At the same time I also didn't want to risk it, I loved her a lot and wanted to marry her, I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardise our relationship. So I've decided to make things work by focusing on my needs while keeping a certain amount of contact with her every night by talking on the phone for half hour. I did this because at the same time I was afraid she would leave me because I wasn't showing enough attention and so I was striving to go out of my way and communicate with her because I really didn't want to lose her and I didn't want to come across as the guy who wasn't showing interest. Many times she'd call me on the phone and on some nights I wouldn't even feel like talking but I did for her. I felt so guilty so many times for the days I couldn't talk and seldom did we get to see eachother because of stuff going on with me and for this I felt guilty and tried harder to show her enough attention. I felt so guilty whenever she would call or wanna hang out and before I know it we make plans to hang out and then my sister calls threatening to kill herself so I have to ditch everything and go talk her out of it. There were plenty of nights where we wanted to talk or hang out but didn't happen because things got in the way but I would always make up for it because I was scared she'd leave me. If too much time Went by and we didn't get to talk I'd go out of my way to communicate with her because communication is key in a relationship and I didn't want there to be a lack of communication. I felt relieved on days where she couldn't talk or see me because I felt like I could do my own thing that day and not have to attend to her. I almost felt smothered by her but I didn't want the relationship to end, I knew the hard times would be over and I can focus on her a little more but during that time I had a lot on my hands and not a whole lot of time for myself and this is why I didn't feel like I wanted to talk all the time when she would call me. Also to top it off when I'm depressed I can't be myself completely so I felt uninteresting or unentertaining on days we would talk or hang out but regardless I always had fun talking and hanging out with her just I couldn't hold up to my full potential and for this I felt guilty annd worried she'd leave. I did it for her, even days I wouldn't want to talk I did for her but inside I wanted to do my own thing. If too much time has gone by and we didn't communicate I would in order to keep us from drifting apart. This happened all throughout this year and then on March 7th my gf breaks up with me and guess what her reason was? BECAUSE I WAS TOO OBSESSED AND NEEDY!! You're probably thinking WTF? Right? She even said my needyness caused her to be just as needy. Well welcome to my world of confusion. This is what my head has been twirling around on for 2 months now and came to the conclusion that my attempt to show her enough attention came across as showing too much and I was doing it all to prevent ourselves from splitting apart due to a lack of attention. Now I'm starting to think that it may not have been that at all. She mentioned I'm always sad about things going on in my personal life and that I'm too dependent on her. Well I think that's all it was. She said that she felt that she had to make me happy all the time. Truth is yes I was sad about a lot going on in my life but I lost my ****ing job and a full year of school, plus my sister is suicidal and a bunch of other ****. How's one supposed to be ****ing happy? Of course I'd be miserable I can't just walk around with a smile on my face when my world is turning to ****. Many times I had to ditch her because my sister would call threatening to kill herself and I always went to help her. Then when I got home she would ask what happened and I'd tell her but apparently she'd take it as me going to her for comfort and she felt she had to make me happy but I can't just fake my emotions and pretend to be fine when I wasn't and neither was I expecting her to make me feel better. It is true that maybe I was a bit dependent on her and felt that she was all that made me happy but how else can I feel when things are so rough for me? Some nights, on nights when something big happened, for example my sister one night called me over because her bf was out to a bar with some other girl so I had to ditch talking to my gf to attend to her because my sister wanted to get in a huge fight with that girl and smack her with a bat, I was there to prevent my sister from doing anything stupid. We never did find him but there was a lot of drama and u can't Imagine the pressure I was under. Then that night when I called my gf again I told her how thankful I was for her and how she was my best part of my day. I guess she took that as she's the only thing that makes me happy but I meant it as she was the best part of my day on that particular day, not everyday. If she were the best part of my day everyday then I wouldn't have days where I didn't want to talk. Also on that day I texted her telling her what might go down not because I was depending on her, but sometimes I did that because I wanted to see if she'd freak out. I wanted to see if she'd say "OMG are u ok?" I wanted to confirm to myself that she cares and worries over me. I guess I felt that my lack of trying to be with her may have caused her to drift apart so I wanted to confirm that she still cares about me. Either way though why is it so bad if she knows I'm feeling sad and am having a rough time? Many times on those hard days she'd ask how my day was or what I'm doing and I'd tell her I'm going through a lot or I'm feeling sad and this and this happened. But she would ask me, I wasn't just going to lie and just say I'm having a dandy day while I was going through a lot. I would tell her what went on but I was never looking for her to cheer me up or fix my problems. Just having her in my life and having a future with her was enough to help me feel better, if I wanted advice to help me feel better cause of things going on, i'd be calling her up crying and maybe trying to slit my own wrist. I never did that. Maybe I was dependent to some point that I would want to just be with her when things are too hard but because I enjoy her company and so I can escape everything and take my mind off stuff. She made me happy because I felt blessed to have such a wonderful girl who loves me and who I would enjoy spending the rest of my life with. She didn't have to give me advice. If I ever asked for advice, it was mostly advice for my sis, or what I can do that can help her, we would discuss it, and sometimes ask her what would be a good job she'd think I'd like? Things like that. However though sometimes it's alright to vent right? Sometimes I had to take things off my mind and she was always someone I knew I could vent to, she always did it with me too, isn't that what couples are for? On tough days she'd always come to me to cheer her up and she always felt better. Sometimes big things happen and we need to reach out to others, isn't it what this site is all about? I just really don't see what the problem is. If I just went through a hard time and she calls me up and ask how I'm doing or how my day was or how I'm feeling I'm not going to lie to her. If she ask how I'm feeling and I say miserable and then she ask how come and I tell her, I'm not telling her how I'm feeling or what went on because I expect her to cheer me up, I tell her because it's the truth! Aren't couples supposed to be open with one another? Why should I hide how I feel? Everyone has hard times in life and everybody has really bad days but it's not like I spend all my time crying and thinking of killing myself. I think how I can resolve things but I never just sit and cry about it. The night my gf changed for the worst was march 2nd. That night my sister called and wanted both me and my mom as well to come and comfort her in her situation. We took my sister to the mall but when we took her home I helped her take stuff inside and her bf was reading a letter she was writing to her friend talking about how my family hates him and how my mom thinks he's scum. He then asks where my mom is who was waiting in the car. He was heading for the door and my sister tried to stop him so he punched my sister directly in the face and tried to go after my mom. I then intervened and tackled him and got in a fist fight. I told him not to hit my sister or go after my mom else I'd call the cops. Then later that night my gf text's me asking me how I'm doing so I tell her whatt went on but not because I was depending on her to cheer me up, she just asked me how I was and what I'm doing, am I just supposed to lie? also once again I tell her to see if she'd get worried and freak out asking if I'm ok. Instead she grew cold and didn't want to talk to me that entire week. Then a week later, march 7th she dumps me. I apologize for such a long explanation but I hope you guys can really understand now how it happened and why. I'm just wondering is there some huge misconception? Is she just not caring and not worthy of trying to win back if she left me during a time of crisis? I never told her my side, she doesn't know that I was being smothered and was striving to give her enough attention. Should I communicate this to her? Should I have a long talk with her about it? Because she never allowed me to discuss this, she just sort of wrote me a breakup letter and disappeared. Most of all did she even have a valid reason to leave or was it all a misunderstanding?
ADF Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I almost fell asleep reading this. Sorry, but you're unlikely to get many responses unless you shorten this. This is 80% irrelevant detail.
Author wingman2 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Yeah I know I tend to ramble on. Ill try to shorten it.
Ronni_W Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 did she even have a valid reason to leave Yes. ANY reason is a valid reason. In fact, NO reason is also a valid reason. "I just don't want to be with you anymore!" is a totally valid reason. She does not have to have any reason to break up with you. She can just decide to do it. She does not have to give you any reason, either. She also does not have to wait to break up with you until she 'finds' a reason that you are going to deem satisfactory, and "valid" or "logical" enough. It's a mistake to think-believe that you are owed reasons, or that you get to judge if her reason is "valid" or not. She just does not want to be with you anymore. After that fact, you're engaging in mental exercises of redundancy, irrelevance and futility. Should I communicate this to her? No. It's futile, irrelevant and redundant. Should I have a long talk with her about it? No. It's futile, redundant and irrelevant.
Author wingman2 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Well I concur, something can't happen without a reason behind it. Even if it were to be just because that person didn't want to be with me anymore then it would mean she no longer felt any love for me. Just saying there never has to be a reason just sounds illogical. Also she didn't leave me just because, according to all I wrote she did have her reasons and then she had the reasons that I didn't mention in the story that were the more valid reasons in my mind but perhaps there was a misconception and maybe to her it may have felt as if I were dependent. That's a reason in itself. All I was asking was whether it's a good reason or not. She's not the kind of person to just leave someone, specially someone they love so much for no apparent reason at all. I don't date those kind of women.
EthanH Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I tried to read everything you wrote, but even I who can usually read most long posts on here struggled. OK so I'm just going to list a few points: 1)the very fact you wrote so much shows your mindset. I have spoken to you on here before at length, and you haven't taken any of the advice. Your intensity is scary to me, probably to most on here, so for her, it must be totally overwhelming. Simple fact is, I have seen how single-minded you are about things, you admit you needed to give her space, you admit you need to put yourself first for a little bit, and yet you do none of this. You ask if you should have a 'long' chat with her. You are showing the classic signs of someone who is totally in denial... 'if i can only speak to her again she might change her mind'... when in reality, in my opinion, it will just make things worse. The sad thing is: she knows how you feel... she knows in great clarity, and sadly, she doesn't feel the same. I think you have to accept that. 2)You have to admit that your behaviour is obsessive. I spoke to you a little while back and said, you need to put yourself first, stop obsessing, move your own life...if there is a bi-product of that which is that you become more attractive to her and she wants you back, then great, but don't do it for her, or any potential chance... do it for yourself! 3) stop feeling sorry for yourself. so you had some things go wrong. Everyone does, and it is no excuse. So she wasn't happy dating someone who was depressed...it is a difficult fact to accept, but she is young, rightly or wrongly, she didn't want to play the role of 'carer'... she just wanted to have fun...and there is nothing wrong with that, especially if she could see no end to the 'issues'. I think, reading this post and reading stuff you wrote before, you wanted her to look after you, moping around etc, you just can't expect that from someone of her age. People aren't Saints, they want to have a fun life. She tried to be there for you, I'm sure she cared, but there comes a point when she clearly didn't want all that in her life. AND I say this, because you know there are similarities between yours and my situation...I got into a rut, and eventually that was partly the reason she ended it with me, she stopped looking up to me as the guy she admired...even maybe lost respect for me...but you have to ask yourself, is sitting around being upset, then running after her and begging her really going to make you seem attractive to her? of course it isn't. You need to get your life back on track. Not for her, for you! Make yourself more attractive, follow your ambitions, make an effort to grow as a person... we are all rated/judged in life, if you were at a level where this girl liked you before, the more you improve yourself the more chance you have of being with someone even better than her... if you don't have any confidence in yourself, how can you expect anyone to?...especially the girl who has seen you more depressed than most. So, if you want advice, get up, and put yourself first, not for her, for you. Be strong, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop over re-re-re-analyising the past (what good does it do?) and stop thinking you can do anything to change her mind. All you are going to do if you try to change her mind is re-state her feeling that you are needy and too intense... so why do something which is going to make things worse? Just take a step back, and just STOP! I really hope things work out for you, you just need to help yourself.
northstar1 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Wing I understand that you are banging your head against the wall, trying to rationalize why things happened. But if I can give you advice, based on how i've gone through breakups, is that you're never going to find an answer that totally puts you at peace. You went through a tough time, life sucks sometimes and it sounds like it was overwhelming. Your ex either couldn't empathize and support you, or wasn't willing to stick it out. She might have felt it was too much. But that is her choice she made and all you can do is accept it and move on. I learned that some people just aren't able to handle when a partner undergoes a tough time or understand when someone isn't acting themselves. And so maybe they aren't the right partner you. Stop analyzing everything to death, its a mistake I made, and it wont bring her back. cut yourself some slack and be good to yourself.
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