Spookie, mother-to-be, breaking the news

[shadowplay]

Some of the male responses in this thread make me feel like a good portion young men are big babies when it comes to dealing with serious, life issues and the consequences of their actions. Must be a result of extended adolescence in this modern age. Of course not all young men are like this, but many are. Women (of comparable age) seem to generally have tougher inner fiber and maturity.

[Els]

Some of the male responses in this thread make me feel like a good portion young men are big babies when it comes to dealing with serious, life issues and the consequences of their actions. Must be a result of extended adolescence in this modern age. Of course not all young men are like this, but many are. Women (of comparable age) seem to generally have tougher inner fiber and maturity.

 

While I agree many men, especially on this site, are completely lacking in maturity, I honestly don't think my fellow women are any less bad when it comes to that. It's just a different kind of immaturity.

[make me believe]

Hey hun! I'm surprised; after reading your last thread I really thought you weren't going to turn out to be pregnant! But you said the test was "vaguely positive" or something to that effect, so are you absolutely SURE you're preg? Do you know how far along you would be? Maybe you should get a definite answer from a doctor before you worry about how to tell your BF. Or at least take a preg test that shows a clear positive!

 

Anyway, I'm very sorry you're facing what sounds like a pretty good chance of becoming a single mother. From what I have read, your BF sounds immature & unlikely to step up to the plate. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised though. I recommend waiting until you KNOW for sure, and then calmly calling him or telling him in person that you are pregnant & keeping it, and that he has a choice about how involved he'll be in the baby's life. Give him time to process the info & cool down if necessary, but DON'T let him yell at you, blame you, or try to convince you to abort/adopt if that's not what you want.

 

Oh and please ignore the douchebags in here who are trying to make your BF out to be a victim. I sincerely hope these boys inform the girls that they have sex with that if she ever becomes pregnant it's HER problem and she needs to deal with it without inconveniencing the poor little guy!

[OpenGL]

For all the women on here claiming men need to "man up" and take care of their responsibilities...

 

...are the same women who get on the public dole as soon as they pop out a kid. Why don't you "woman up" and take care of the responsibilities yourself instead of having the taxpayers do it?

[Jilly Bean]

This thread resurrects my tiny belief that Shadowplay and Spookie are the same person.

 

Otherwise, big congrats, Spook! Wish you the best with the pregnancy, and becoming a Mom.

 

Some things to consider here.

 

If you tell him, and he wants nothing to do with the kid, and he is forced into support, then he could make things VERY ugly for you and your child. Personally, I wouldn't tell him, because I wouldn't want him to have any legal claim to my child. These kind of accidental pregnancies tend to not resolve well. Also, even if he IS involved, it could very well be nasty as well. Generally, guys that are casually dating women don't relish becoming Dads...

 

I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but he doesn't sound like he's ripe for fatherhood. I just fear the news could cause a very negative reaction, and I don't think that's good for your physical condition.

 

I'm very proud of you for being so resolute in your decision. Best of luck!

[Green]

Shadow and spookie are not the same person in my mind. Even though they were just casualy dating and had no plans to have children I think this guy really needs to man up and at a minimum be required to pay child suport.

[hotgurl]

For all the women on here claiming men need to "man up" and take care of their responsibilities...

 

...are the same women who get on the public dole as soon as they pop out a kid. Why don't you "woman up" and take care of the responsibilities yourself instead of having the taxpayers do it?

 

maybe if deadbeat dads paid child support women wouldn't have to rely on welfare. It take a lot of $$ to raise a kid.

 

my ex owes me 30 grand in back support. I'll never see a dime. That could pay for two years at a state college. instead I will just have to handle the loans myself.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some of the male responses in this thread make me feel like a good portion young men are big babies when it comes to dealing with serious, life issues and the consequences of their actions. Must be a result of extended adolescence in this modern age. Of course not all young men are like this, but many are. Women (of comparable age) seem to generally have tougher inner fiber and maturity.

I totally agree. Young men in Western society don't have to go through any real rite of passage that initiates them into manhood, so most of them fart around in extended adolescence until their 30s or even 40s. Some do -- those who go to war and see the carnage of reality up close, for instance.

 

In some tribal and primitive cultures, adolescent boys must endure bloody, painful rites of passage to wake them up to the fact that they are men. And/or they have to learn to hunt, to sacrifice living animals for the benefit of the tribe, to interact with bloody reality with their own bare hands. These are raw, human experiences that force a boy to grow up. We have nothing even close in Western society, other than war.

 

At least girls get their period -- a very visceral, bloody, possibly painful, and real change in your body, one that can be quite scary and shocking, and which signifies you are no longer a child.

[sb129]

Whoa.

 

Spookie- FWIW, I think you should confirm your pregnancy by seeing your doctor before you tell your BF.

 

And you absolutely do need to tell him. I think waiting till the end of the first trimester is even waiting too long- even if you lose the baby before then won't you want him to know and support you through this?

 

He has a right to know as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.

 

He isn't your ex- give him the benefit of the doubt that he may actually react in an adult and mature way about this.

[ReadyforLove]

This is what makes me want to castrate myself.

 

Wow, really? How about WEARING A CONDOM!

[blind_otter]

How about you be responsible and not get knocked up by deadbeats/low lifes? The woman shares equal responsibility in the matter. The tax payer shouldn't be on the hook for the woman's bad dating decisions. If she decides to keep the baby knowing her boyfriend is a deadbeat, she should burden 100% of the cost associated with that.

 

I bet you if welfare didn't exist there would be a drastic decrease in unwanted pregnancies and deadbeat low lifes would again be undesirable in the dating market.

 

God, are you completely unaware of history in any country? There were even more unwanted pregnancies before welfare existed, those kids just ended up dying naked in the street. People got tired of stepping over dead bodies so they started social welfare programs.

 

FYI, there is a 60 month LIFETIME CAP on receiving welfare benefits. In some states, that LIFETIME CAP is only 36 months.

[alphamale]

This thread resurrects my tiny belief that Shadowplay and Spookie are the same person.

then she'll have four breasts to feed the kid with

[Eve]

Not discrediting the other good advice but ...

 

1. What Sb129 said.

2. Then what Allina said.

3. Then what Art said.

 

Congrats! and remember that all the scary thoughts and panics are absolutely normal. Please try and share this time with someone in real life who is stable and knows you well. Really hope you have someone like this to turn to.

 

If it is all correct and viable you are a Mum from now and need to get some iron tablets down you and be pampered a bit.

 

All the best,

Eve xx

[blind_otter]

Start taking DHA and a prenatal vitamin. Those are good for you even if you're not pregnant.

[spookie]

Hey hun! I'm surprised; after reading your last thread I really thought you weren't going to turn out to be pregnant! But you said the test was "vaguely positive" or something to that effect, so are you absolutely SURE you're preg? Do you know how far along you would be? Maybe you should get a definite answer from a doctor before you worry about how to tell your BF. Or at least take a preg test that shows a clear positive!

 

So..... there is a chance that I am completely crazy.

 

I've been attempting to get a "clear positive" all day, so I can be 100% sure... but the 3 tests I've taken have been clearly negative. One of them I took first thing and the morning, and the other two were digital.

 

WTF? Is it possible I imagined those dots? Is it possible those dots were there before, causing me to misread the test?

 

If I'm NOT pregnant, then why is my period more than 2 weeks late??

 

I really don't understand what's going on. At-home pregnancy tests are supposed to be really accurate. From a scientific perspective, there is a VERY slim chance of getting a false positive. There is a higher chance of getting a false negative, but with my period already 2 weeks late, my preggo hormones should be high enough that 3 false negatives in a row would be also be extremely unlikely.

 

I know I should go see a doctor, but I'm in a different state till next week. I will try to get a blood test somewhere around here tomorrow.

 

I'm sorry for stirring up all this drama prematurely. Thanks for all the advice and support.

[spookie]

Hey, Spookie. Your life has all kinds of crazy twists and turns!

 

I know you're going to do this, so congrats. You know it's going to be absolutely crazy, right? Being a mother will really, really change you, hopefully for the best. I'm honestly excited to see what happens.

 

Don't let him talk you out of it. Also accept the fact that your relationship probably isn't going to last based on what you've said about his views on children and how casual what you had was to begin with. He honestly doesn't sound like father material, and who knows if he'll ever be. I wouldn't hang on to him as a deadbeat dad if he shows he isn't committed to being there for your kid. It's worse for him to be half in the kid's life (which will lead to a constant feeling of rejection) than to be totally absent. It's not the ideal situation, but it is what it is.

 

Thanks. =)

 

I've been thinking about him all day, and have come to the conclusion that I should have no expectations of him being there for me. IF I am pregnant, this comes at the worst possible timing in his life. He has just quit his job to go back to school full-time. That's been his dream since he started undergrad, and he's worked his ass off to get there. He has every hour and penny accounted for for the next two years. I can't reasonably expect him to abandon all that to raise a kid with me, and if he goes back to school, he is going to have no time and no money to contribute.

 

IF I am pregnant (there's still some hope I am not) I'm not sure how I'm going to make it work as a single mom with no family to help me, but I know I'm not the first woman in that situation, and at least I make enough money to be able to afford childcare.

 

It's going to suck pawning my infant off on a nanny, but my job offers flexibility in terms of hours, scheduling, and the possibility of working from home, so I think I'd be able to manage spending some time with the kid.

[sweetjasmine]

The point, sweetjasmine, is that rules and regulations are already the way they are. It is a known fact that the mother gets sole choice where abortions are concerned. So, KNOWING THIS FACT, the man should have been mindful of the risks when he had sex.

 

Right, which is exactly what I said when I wrote that from a practical standpoint, men need to be aware of the risks.

 

You're completely missing the point of my post.

 

But when push comes to shove, as it often does, it's her body and her choice.

 

I totally agree. No one should force a woman to make a choice she doesn't really want. If spookie wants to keep her baby, she should keep it and not let anyone else tell her otherwise. No one but her can understand what she's feeling and no one should be telling her what to do with her own body or making her feel bad for making her own decision.

 

I'm just saying that "you should've kept your pants on" isn't helpful or useful. People are still going to have sex, and even with protection, you've got the 1-3% crowd that still gets pregnant.

 

From a purely philosophical point of view, if it's entirely the woman's choice, then it should be entirely the woman's responsibility. Think about a situation where a couple is using birth control, and both have talked about it and agreed that they don't want children for the time being. Say the woman gets pregnant anyway and decides to bring the fetus to term. From a philosophical point of view, the decision to bring the fetus to term and keep it instead of choosing adoption or abortion is a separate one from the decision to consent to protected sex. Both people have a say in the latter, but only the woman has a say in the former. So it'd be unfair to hold a man responsible for the second decision in which he had no say.

 

BUT. From a practical, real-world point of view, though, the man should be held responsible, primarily for the good of the child. Making a woman bear sole responsibility for the decision of bringing a fetus to term doesn't work in the real world. Biology isn't fair, and I'd rather there be some kind of compulsory support system for the good of the child.

[sweetjasmine]

If I'm NOT pregnant, then why is my period more than 2 weeks late??

 

Didn't you say you were on the pill but stopped taking it? Going on and off hormonal birth control could've thrown your cycle out of whack. So I suppose it's possible that your period really is 2 weeks late.

 

^^ Enjoy your welfare after your kid pops out and his daddy disappears into the wind... Should I sent a portion of my check directly to you or let the government distribute it for me?

 

Would you stop being such a huge jerk already? You have absolutely no clue what it's like to be in her shoes, and you have no right to tell her what to do or make her feel guilty for choosing one option over another.

[Woggle]

I love how women on one hand say men need to man up but then on the other hand celebrate a woman having a fatherless kid as some statement of independence. For the record I do think fathers should support their kids. I couldn't care less about the mothers in most cases but a child not be punished and deserves to have both parents care.

 

The hypocrisy on women's part just astounds me though. If a woman wanted to get pregnant and then purposely keep the father out of a child's life they would all be cheering her on.

[sweetjasmine]

The hypocrisy on women's part just astounds me though. If a woman wanted to get pregnant and then purposely keep the father out of a child's life they would all be cheering her on.

 

Um, I wouldn't be cheering them on unless the father was a drug-addicted abuser pedophile or something.

 

That hypocrisy that astounds you is imaginary.

[Woggle]

Um, I wouldn't be cheering them on unless the father was a drug-addicted abuser pedophile or something.

 

That hypocrisy that astounds you is imaginary.

 

It is very real. Can you admit that there is an attitude amongst many that fathers are disposable sperm donors who don't really matter in a child's life?

[spookie]

Right, which is exactly what I said when I wrote that from a practical standpoint, men need to be aware of the risks.

 

You're completely missing the point of my post.

 

 

 

I totally agree. No one should force a woman to make a choice she doesn't really want. If spookie wants to keep her baby, she should keep it and not let anyone else tell her otherwise. No one but her can understand what she's feeling and no one should be telling her what to do with her own body or making her feel bad for making her own decision.

 

I'm just saying that "you should've kept your pants on" isn't helpful or useful. People are still going to have sex, and even with protection, you've got the 1-3% crowd that still gets pregnant.

 

From a purely philosophical point of view, if it's entirely the woman's choice, then it should be entirely the woman's responsibility. Think about a situation where a couple is using birth control, and both have talked about it and agreed that they don't want children for the time being. Say the woman gets pregnant anyway and decides to bring the fetus to term. From a philosophical point of view, the decision to bring the fetus to term and keep it instead of choosing adoption or abortion is a separate one from the decision to consent to protected sex. Both people have a say in the latter, but only the woman has a say in the former. So it'd be unfair to hold a man responsible for the second decision in which he had no say.

 

BUT. From a practical, real-world point of view, though, the man should be held responsible, primarily for the good of the child. Making a woman bear sole responsibility for the decision of bringing a fetus to term doesn't work in the real world. Biology isn't fair, and I'd rather there be some kind of compulsory support system for the good of the child.

 

My take on the philosophical POV is this:

 

Once a woman is pregnant, all of her options involve permanent physical and emotional consequences.

 

The decision to abort may be the woman's choice, but it's also the woman's burden, and it's not a light one to carry.

 

Nevermind that many would judge her for being a baby-killer from that point forward. Nevermind that it's just not something you share with your friends, or even potential SO's making the experience an extremely isolating one for the millions of women who go through it. It's an invasive surgical procedure, posing physical risks, which most women don't just view as a "procedure". For most, it's a huge, difficult decision, which they feel guilty about for many years to come.

 

Men don't share the consequences of abortion. Same goes for the physical and emotional trauma of adoption.

 

All we as a society expect, is that they share in the financial consequences of Option 3, keeping it. From an expected value perspective, I'd say they get a MUCH better deal.

[You'reasian]

What's the best way to let the father of my unborn child know, he knocked me up?

 

I have a feeling he is going to freak out, and I would like to give him time to collect himself before he gets back to me with his thoughts/ feelings on the subject.

 

I've been pregnant before, in college. Telling my long-term boyfriend back then was the worst experience of my life. He completely flipped, accused me of trying to ruin his life, and threatened suicide.

 

If current bf is going to go through the same emotions, I don't think I need to be there to witness that.

 

However, calling, emailing, or texting to let him know, seems highly immature.

 

Also, is it ok to wait? Or is that something that you're supposed to share with the other person as soon as you find out?

 

Personally, I'd rather keep this tidbit of info to myself, until I start to show. Again, this is based on my experience last time around. The more people I "turned to" for help, the more stressed out and confused I became, as they all came at me with advice and accusations.

 

Your best bet is to approach him, tell him that you love him and that you want to talk about the two of you, where you think its all going and then let him know.

 

Ease your way into the discussion.

[Ruby Slippers]

From a purely philosophical point of view, if it's entirely the woman's choice, then it should be entirely the woman's responsibility.

 

BUT. From a practical, real-world point of view, though, the man should be held responsible, primarily for the good of the child. Making a woman bear sole responsibility for the decision of bringing a fetus to term doesn't work in the real world. Biology isn't fair, and I'd rather there be some kind of compulsory support system for the good of the child.

Agree on both points.

 

But I also think that if men were the ones who got pregnant, played host to a fetus for 9 months, went through the pain and body damage of pregnancy and labor, and bore the lion's share of the responsibility for child-rearing, this wouldn't even be called into question.

[spookie]

Yeah, you're right, I don't know what it's like to have a kid I can't support. Cry me a river.

 

 

Just wondering, GL (and all the other boys who think pregnancy is 100% her responsibility):

 

If you managed to get a girl into bed, and you accidentally knocked her up, what would you do?

 

Tell her it's her problem, since she was dumb enough to sleep with a dead-beat?