Spookie, mother-to-be, breaking the news

[SadandConfusedWA]

 

I know it's not a popular opinion but I don't belive in forced child support outside of marriage. Of course he loses all rights to have anything to do with the child. You are NOT required to list him on the birth certificate and unless you seek social services, you will not be required to ask him for anything you don't want to.

 

I agree with this. I would never force a guy to pay child support if he doesn't want anything to do with his child. I think that bit is unfair on men.

[blind_otter]

Thanks Art. I'm staying with my parents (whom I will NOT be telling for as long as possible!) in another state until Sunday, when he is supposed to pick me up from the airport. If I feel like I'm "acting" but not sharing the news, I'll tell him then, otherwise, I might wait till the following weekend, after I've seen a doctor.

 

You can always wait until you know the pregnancy is viable. People hate when I mention this, but I've only had one live birth out of four pregnancies, and two of the three miscarriages happened prior to the end of the first trimester.

[Green]

I'm all for her forcing this guy to pay child support after all its not for her sake but the kids sake... and correct me if I'm wrong but there is no time limit on child support so a kid when grown up could always sue for back child support for all the years it wasn't paid.

[spookie]

thanks guys. as bo suggested, i might wait to tell him till after the first trimester, as i know miscarriages are very common in the beginning. i know it sounds horrible to say, but i am hoping i miscarry.

 

personally, i dont think there is anything wrong with a society forcing men to pay child support... but if he really doesnt want to be involved, i wont ask him to, as i can afford the baby on my own, and i think having a completely single mom would be healthier for the kid than bickering parents who hated each other, and a dad who was bitter about the kid's very existence.

 

of course i am hoping he is able to man up. hes from a large catholic family which i am hoping would work in that favor.

 

this isnt really about money or child support. since i care about him i am just interested in how i can lessen the shock. to be honest i feel kind of sorry for him in this situation, because the choices presented to him arent easy either, and since ive been through this already, its kind of obvious to me what to pick.

[donnamaybe]

can someone on this thread explain to me why the guy would get angry?!

 

One situation I can think of is if the guy was told birth control was in use when it was not. Not that I'm saying this is what was going on, but that would be one case where a guy would have the right to be PO'd.

 

Was birth control being used - at all?

[RobM]

thanks guys. as bo suggested, i might wait to tell him till after the first trimester, as i know miscarriages are very common in the beginning. i know it sounds horrible to say, but i am hoping i miscarry.

 

I thought I understood most of this thread until this. If you hope you miscarry then why not just abort it now.

[spookie]

One situation I can think of is if the guy was told birth control was in use when it was not. Not that I'm saying this is what was going on, but that would be one case where a guy would have the right to be PO'd.

 

Was birth control being used - at all?

 

yah, i was on birth control.

[spookie]

i am starting to think that men just don't understand the full complexity of abortion

[blind_otter]

I thought I understood most of this thread until this. If you hope you miscarry then why not just abort it now.

 

There's a difference but you probably need to look it up to understand that.

[RobM]

Screw you then if you don't want to have a serious discussion about it, but when you say you don't want the baby, you hope you miscarry, but you won't abort, I think asking why is a legit question.

[blind_otter]

i am starting to think that men just don't understand the full complexity of abortion

 

They don't and can never understand any of the complexity involved in holding the tremendous burden of being the person who carries and creates life.

 

Even the most tender and loving father can't really bond with a fetus in utero, much less a father who is not all that jazzed about his predicament.

 

I mean, in some tribal societies women are required to sit in a menstrual hut for the duration of their menses because they are unclean. They sometimes aren't even able to do any chores or prepare food or touch weapons because they bleed once a month.

 

And unlike men, we women can tolerate an immense amount of both pain and blood loss without losing consciousness. IMO this is the source of the degradation of women in general. Fear, because the strength it takes to carry, give birth to, and do the lion's share of raising a child is nothing to be trifled with.

[blind_otter]

Screw you then if you don't want to have a serious discussion about it, but when you say you don't want the baby, you hope you miscarry, but you won't abort, I think asking why is a legit question.

 

No thanks, I don't want to be screwed by you but it's nice that you offered.

 

Look - abortion is different from miscarriage. Look up the process and learn about it yourself.

[RobM]

They don't and can never understand any of the complexity involved in holding the tremendous burden of being the person who carries and creates life.

 

then i guess just lock us out of this thread, we obviously have nothing to add and it's pointless for us to ask questions to try to understand

[RobM]

No thanks, I don't want to be screwed by you but it's nice that you offered.

 

Look - abortion is different from miscarriage. Look up the process and learn about it yourself.

 

yes, thanks, i understand now, i can't make this decision, please please god do it for me

[blind_otter]

then i guess just lock us out of this thread, we obviously have nothing to add and it's pointless for us to ask questions to try to understand

 

Why are you asking questions whose answers are obviously available on google.

 

Shall I break it down?

 

Abortion is an unnatural process where you have to go sit with your legs in stirrups and they do all sorts of stuff inside your lady bits.

 

Miscarriage is a natural process whereby a fetus that is genetically not able to survive is flushed out of the body through normal processes.

 

I've never had an abortion, but I had a D&C with suction because of a missed miscarriage. The recovery from the D&C took longer and the whole process was much more painful than any natural miscarriage I went through, the other two I experienced were less painful and I recovered with a day or two.

[carhill]

OP, I'd make an appointment with your MD at the earliest possible moment, even while you're visiting your parents (IIRC, that's where you are) and get the exam and tests out of the way. Consult with the doctor about prognosis and options. Then, discuss it with your BF.

 

i am starting to think that men just don't understand the full complexity of abortion

 

Correct, IMO. We don't, just as we don't understand the full complexity of pregnancy and childbirth. It's not within our realm of experience. That reality does not preclude us from *empathizing* and *caring*, two aspects of fatherhood (or partnership) which are critical. I hope your BF empathizes and cares. Good luck

[RobM]

thanks guys. as bo suggested, i might wait to tell him till after the first trimester, as i know miscarriages are very common in the beginning. i know it sounds horrible to say, but i am hoping i miscarry.

 

Ok, let me ask again in a different way, I thought you really wanted this baby, why do you hope you miscarry?

[melodymatters]

Ok, let me ask again in a different way, I thought you really wanted this baby, why do you hope you miscarry?

 

 

Let me venture a guess. The OP was not actvley seeking to create a child. She is not in that stable a R and would have liked to have a few more years career wise, financially, AND be to in a strong relationship where both parties would be excited about becoming parents.

 

This is not what happened.

 

So, dealing with REALITY, she realizes that she can not live with herself if she aborts this child. That SHE makes the choice to end it's potential being.

 

But, if it were to resolve on it's own, ie: miscarriage, she would not carry any guilt or wondering " what if", she could chalk it up to what's meant to be.

 

And then, hopefully have a child when she and her R are more settled.

[Krytie TV]

All I can offer is that if it is in your complete right to keep the baby regardless of what the man wants, then it is also within his right to be angry that you are not willing to consider any alternatives or his opinion. By not making him an active participant in the decision phase (as you got to be an active participant in the conceiving phase), you open the door for resentment and anger. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

[carhill]

OP, indelicate question.... are you going to continue to have casual sex with this man? I haven't followed your relationship dynamic so am unclear how emotionally involved you are. I'd have difficulty making love with a partner whom I was keeping this potentially life altering information from, so I was curious about your perspective. If it is casual, more like FWB, then my opinion about 'discussion' might change. If you are involved emotionally, do you think it fair for him to be excluded from this process, even though he will interact, care, and love you each day during it, perhaps not knowing the impetus for your moods, behaviors and expressed feelings? Would you want to be treated like that? Why?

[shadowplay]

Hey, Spookie. Your life has all kinds of crazy twists and turns!

 

I know you're going to do this, so congrats. You know it's going to be absolutely crazy, right? Being a mother will really, really change you, hopefully for the best. I'm honestly excited to see what happens.

 

Don't let him talk you out of it. Also accept the fact that your relationship probably isn't going to last based on what you've said about his views on children and how casual what you had was to begin with. He honestly doesn't sound like father material, and who knows if he'll ever be. I wouldn't hang on to him as a deadbeat dad if he shows he isn't committed to being there for your kid. It's worse for him to be half in the kid's life (which will lead to a constant feeling of rejection) than to be totally absent. It's not the ideal situation, but it is what it is.

Edited May 5, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

i think having a completely single mom would be healthier for the kid than bickering parents who hated each other, and a dad who was bitter about the kid's very existence.

 

 

This is totally true. Please don't cling on to him if he's not showing his commitment. It could be devastating for your kid.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is the same exact argument people use against abortion: if a woman didn't want a baby, she shouldn't have had sex, and now that she's pregnant, she should deal with the consequences since she knew that having sex carries the risk of getting pregnant.

 

Though I agree with that for the most part, I'm not getting into an abortion discussion. That could turn this thread nasty really fast.

 

But the short answer is that it's her body and her choice.

 

Men know that every time they have sex, there is the chance the woman will get pregnant. No man has any right to insist that a woman have or abort a baby, no matter if it is his sperm. Once a man inseminates a woman, he gives up any rights to what does or does not become of his sperm. I'm no legal expert, but it's pretty clear that the law upholds this point of view. I think he has more rights if they are married, but next to none if they are not.

 

In the case of unintended pregnancy, ideally, of course the woman would discuss the best course of action with the man and they would come to agreement.

 

But when push comes to shove, as it often does, it's her body and her choice.

[Ruby Slippers]

They don't and can never understand any of the complexity involved in holding the tremendous burden of being the person who carries and creates life.

 

Even the most tender and loving father can't really bond with a fetus in utero, much less a father who is not all that jazzed about his predicament.

 

I mean, in some tribal societies women are required to sit in a menstrual hut for the duration of their menses because they are unclean. They sometimes aren't even able to do any chores or prepare food or touch weapons because they bleed once a month.

 

And unlike men, we women can tolerate an immense amount of both pain and blood loss without losing consciousness. IMO this is the source of the degradation of women in general. Fear, because the strength it takes to carry, give birth to, and do the lion's share of raising a child is nothing to be trifled with.

Agree. It's sad but true. I think the work of a mother has to be among the loneliest and hardest in the world. Mothers are terribly underappreciated.

[shadowplay]

I just wanted to add that I fully support you in your decision, Spookie, and I wish the best for you and your child. Don't let any idiots on here or irl make you feel bad about your choice. I'll be there for you whenever you want to talk.