Spookie, mother-to-be, breaking the news

[Eeyore79]

You're seriously going to have a child that the father doesn't want? Doesn't that seem a little unfair and selfish to you, to force a child on him when he doesn't want it? If you're not prepared to abort a child he doesn't want, you really should have made that clear to him before you had sex.

 

How do you feel about being a single mother? If you force a child on him that he doesn't want, he won't like you very much and I can't see him staying with you tbh, especially since you already said the relationship is only casual.

 

Since you don't believe in abortion, I'm wondering what you did last time you were pregnant? Was it adopted?

[Green]

Well the law is on your side, the choice is yours. Look every guy knows that if he gets a girl pregnant there is a good chance she will have that baby and not give it up for adoption. Even if in the past a gf said she would definetly get an abortion or whatever it is uncalled for to tell the girl she is ruining his life because some of the BEST times of his life were the sex he had with you... whether he admits it or not.

 

Seriously men love sex more then anything and they know a baby can result from it and that it is the womans decision what happens next. That is the reality we live in so don't let him trick you into thinking you are ruining his life. And its just sick if he makes you feel like this.

 

I hope he listens to you and is there for you. Seriously just be honest with him and do it in person if you can. Do it as soon as posible. Just let him know how you are feeling about everything and about how your worried how he is going to react. If he tries to make you feel guilty for ruining his life don't believe it he did this to himself he is no more a victim then any one else in these situations.

[Green]

You're seriously going to have a child that the father doesn't want? Doesn't that seem a little unfair and selfish to you, to force a child on him when he doesn't want it? If you're not prepared to abort a child he doesn't want, you really should have made that clear to him before you had sex.

 

How do you feel about being a single mother? If you force a child on him that he doesn't want, he won't like you very much and I can't see him staying with you tbh, especially since you already said the relationship is only casual.

 

Since you don't believe in abortion, I'm wondering what you did last time you were pregnant? Was it adopted?

 

Why don't you go change the entire laws of our country while your at it. You are cruel to even post what you have. No one forced this guy into doing anything, and she hasn't even told him yet so hopefuly he will man up to the situation they are both in.

[silverfish]

Can you wait a couple of weeks before you tell him? Then when you do, you can say that you've thought long and hard about this and your mind is 100% made up to keep the baby. You won't show til about 4 months anyway so that won't be an issue right now.

 

If you are prepared to bring up the baby on your own (obviously with child support) then he will have to come to terms with it and deal with it same as you are.

 

I don't see anything wrong with writing him something if you're worried about his reaction. The look on my ex H's face when I told him is imprinted on my memory...I could see he wasn't lying when he said he was happy.

[Rorschach]

Thanks Green... yes, I took another test, it was oh-so-slightly positive. I'm going to take another one int he morning that I expect will confirm this.

 

Regarding WHETHER or not to tell him, of course I will. My question is, what is the best time, place, and approach, for breaking this news to someone who will not hear it as good news?

 

Yes, I am scared of him yelling. I am scared I will feel guilty for not choosing abortion even though that is probably what he'll want. I am scared I will believe the accusations that I'm ruining his life.

 

My ex said, if you love me, you'll have an abortion.

 

I just don't WANT to hear anything like this from this guy. It's my choice, I already know what that choice will be, and hearing stuff like that is just going to piss me off/ stress me.

 

I am ready to give him as much time as he needs to come to terms with the matter, but unless he can come to those terms in a non-threatening, non-accusatory manner, I think he needs to do so alone.

 

This is what makes me want to castrate myself. I understand that yes its a girls body and etc etc etc. and I'm not complaining about that. But this decision weighs just as heavily on HIS ENTIRE LIFE as it does on yours and for the guy to have no say at all annoys me.

 

I'm just keeping it in my pants until I'm 35!

[Rorschach]

Why don't you go change the entire laws of our country while your at it. You are cruel to even post what you have. No one forced this guy into doing anything, and she hasn't even told him yet so hopefuly he will man up to the situation they are both in.

 

Because one person should be allowed to make one of the biggest decisions in the life of another person? How is that fair exactly?

[silverfish]

Because one person should be allowed to make one of the biggest decisions in the life of another person? How is that fair exactly?

 

That isn't what the OP is asking...would you get angry with your GF if she told you she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby? If one person wants to keep the baby and another wants to abort, obviously the woman is legally entitled to make the final decision, everyone knows this.

[Green]

Because one person should be allowed to make one of the biggest decisions in the life of another person? How is that fair exactly?

 

Seriously you think you should be able to just force an abortion on a girl who doesn't want it? Or do you think fathers should just be able to walk away from women they've had sex with and let the state pay for their children???

 

I think some of the posts on this thread are sick

[Rorschach]

That isn't what the OP is asking...would you get angry with your GF if she told you she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby? If one person wants to keep the baby and another wants to abort, obviously the woman is legally entitled to make the final decision, everyone knows this.

 

I don't really want to get into this conversation as this isn't what spookie wants, but yes I would be annoyed. I can't say I'd be 'angry' at her because it was BOTH of our stupidity that got us into this.

 

And while I'm not arguing the legality of the decision (like you say women gets last say), what I am arguing is the fairness and moral right the woman has to make a decision that could destroy a mans life (possibly).

 

I just make it a point only to sleep with people I'm in a committed relationship too, this stuff is too serious to screw around with FWB and ONS and stuff.

[Rorschach]

Seriously you think you should be able to just force an abortion on a girl who doesn't want it? Or do you think fathers should just be able to walk away from women they've had sex with and let the state pay for their children???

 

I think some of the posts on this thread are sick

 

Again I don't want to get into this. But I think there has to be some happy medium between 'guy destroys girls life by forcing an abortion' and 'girl destroys guys life by not listening to what he wants'

 

My version of a perfect world is this, the woman and the man both sit down and have a reasonable conversation where both UNDERSTAND AND TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION each others opinions. Rather than either the man or the woman sitting down and trying to simply force the other person to do what they want without considering how the other person feels.

[spookie]

You're seriously going to have a child that the father doesn't want? Doesn't that seem a little unfair and selfish to you, to force a child on him when he doesn't want it? If you're not prepared to abort a child he doesn't want, you really should have made that clear to him before you had sex.

 

 

And it's fair to force a woman to have an unwanted abortion, because the guy is ready to have sex, but not ready to deal with the possible consequences?

 

 

 

Since you don't believe in abortion, I'm wondering what you did last time you were pregnant? Was it adopted?

 

I didn't say I don't believe in a woman having a choice. Last time, I chose abortion, but the circumstances were different then, I was 20, immature, and financially unstable. Still, I regret the decision 4 years later.

 

This time, there is no reason to make that extremely difficult choice again.

[spookie]

Again I don't want to get into this. But I think there has to be some happy medium between 'guy destroys girls life by forcing an abortion' and 'girl destroys guys life by not listening to what he wants'

 

My version of a perfect world is this, the woman and the man both sit down and have a reasonable conversation where both UNDERSTAND AND TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION each others opinions. Rather than either the man or the woman sitting down and trying to simply force the other person to do what they want without considering how the other person feels.

 

The problem is, this isn't a perfect world, because if they pick the child, they share the burden (actually, more like it's split on averag 75% woman, 25% man). If they pick abortion, she is the only one who will carry the physical and emotional burden of that choice for the test of her life.

[silverfish]

Again I don't want to get into this. But I think there has to be some happy medium between 'guy destroys girls life by forcing an abortion' and 'girl destroys guys life by not listening to what he wants'

 

My version of a perfect world is this, the woman and the man both sit down and have a reasonable conversation where both UNDERSTAND AND TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION each others opinions. Rather than either the man or the woman sitting down and trying to simply force the other person to do what they want without considering how the other person feels.

 

I agree with the reasonable conversation part, but if the OP has already made up her mind, which she obviously has, then the conversation is going to be more along the lines of 'how are we going to deal with this'.

 

It's not a case of her forcing him to do what she wants....she's telling him what she is going to do and asking him what he plans to do in reaction to that. He has many options open to him as to how he deals with it...his life is far from ruined

[carhill]

He does not want children anytime soon. He broke up with his last gf because she wanted to get married and have babies. He is going back to graduate school in the fall, for which he'll be taking on a significant amount of debt, which is on of the MANY reasons he's not ready.

 

If your choice is to birth and keep the child, the above quote is a very good reason IMO for telling him sooner rather than later. Disclosure will help him and give him time to prepare for his legal and moral responsibilities.

 

I presume your pregnancy has been confirmed by a medical professional. I'd certainly take that step prior to disclosure.

 

Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy

[Rorschach]

[/b]

 

I agree with the reasonable conversation part, but if the OP has already made up her mind, which she obviously has, then the conversation is going to be more along the lines of 'how are we going to deal with this'.

 

It's not a case of her forcing him to do what she wants....she's telling him what she is going to do and asking him what he plans to do in reaction to that. He has many options open to him as to how he deals with it...his life is far from ruined

 

woman says shes going to have the baby

 

man says he doesn't feel that he can handle a baby at this point in life

 

woman says too bad

 

man says then he has to put himself first and will just send child support because he needs to focus on himself and make sure that his life from this point forward goes the best it can

 

woman becomes single mom, is viewed as an unsung hero by the media and society

 

man becomes deadbeat dad, is viewed as a cancer to society

 

fair

[Green]

woman says shes going to have the baby

 

man says he doesn't feel that he can handle a baby at this point in life

 

woman says too bad

 

man says then he has to put himself first and will just send child support because he needs to focus on himself and make sure that his life from this point forward goes the best it can

 

woman becomes single mom, is viewed as an unsung hero by the media and society

 

man becomes deadbeat dad, is viewed as a cancer to society

 

fair

 

Yeah I think that sounds fair.

[reservoirdog1]

To be the guy in the situation would suck, no doubt about it. If it were me, I'd be pissed off too.

 

But, there has to be consistency. I'm pro choice. I don't think anybody who's pro-choice would agree with the girl being forced to carry a baby she doesn't want, just because the guy doesn't believe in abortion. It's her body, and her decision.

 

In fairness, the same should work in reverse. It's still her body and her decision, ultimately. The guy has responsibilities, which he knew about before they had sex.

 

It definitely seems unfair. But that's biology for you. There's not much that can be done about that until either (a) men can give birth as well, or (b) children are sterilized at birth and have to take some kind of test before being allowed to have babies.

[spookie]

woman says shes going to have the baby

 

man says he doesn't feel that he can handle a baby at this point in life

 

woman says too bad

 

man says then he has to put himself first and will just send child support because he needs to focus on himself and make sure that his life from this point forward goes the best it can

 

woman becomes single mom, is viewed as an unsung hero by the media and society

 

man becomes deadbeat dad, is viewed as a cancer to society

 

fair

 

I agree except for the part where she's viewed as a hero by society. I think society has come a long way, but we still judge single mothers harshly.

 

In my personal opinion, once there's a kid, to abandon it because you feel you "need to put yourself first," makes you scum. But that's just my opinion.

[silverfish]

woman says shes going to have the baby

 

man says he doesn't feel that he can handle a baby at this point in life

 

woman says too bad

 

man says then he has to put himself first and will just send child support because he needs to focus on himself and make sure that his life from this point forward goes the best it can

 

woman becomes single mom, is viewed as an unsung hero by the media and society

 

man becomes deadbeat dad, is viewed as a cancer to society

 

fair

 

Not only sounds fair, but also like he has choices.

 

OP congratulations ...hope it goes well with your BF. Being a single parent is OK if you can support yourself.....

 

I'd love to read more on LS regarding the 'unsung hero' part though, never mind to be 'viewed by society' as such....shame it doesn't actually happen....feel free to post links

[spookie]

To be the guy in the situation would suck, no doubt about it. If it were me, I'd be pissed off too.

 

But, there has to be consistency. I'm pro choice. I don't think anybody who's pro-choice would agree with the girl being forced to carry a baby she doesn't want, just because the guy doesn't believe in abortion. It's her body, and her decision.

 

In fairness, the same should work in reverse. It's still her body and her decision, ultimately. The guy has responsibilities, which he knew about before they had sex.

 

It definitely seems unfair. But that's biology for you. There's not much that can be done about that until either (a) men can give birth as well, or (b) children are sterilized at birth and have to take some kind of test before being allowed to have babies.

 

For what it's worth, I'm pissed off too! I don't want to be in this situation! My career is just taking off, I don't even know if I want to marry this guy, my body is never going to be the same, and I'm not ready for that!

 

But I just don't view abortion as an easy fix for this predicament. I would not be able to live with myself for having aborted two children. The first I have forgiven myself for, which was not easy to do, on the basis that I was not in a situation to provide a good life for a kid at that tim. This time around, i can't use that excuse.

[electricity]

Does he know about the previous abortion? You might want to be prepared for his using it against you, especially if he freaks out. Objectively, I can see the distinction you're drawing about your being able to support this child vs the previous one. However, he might not see the difference, and you should be prepared for that.

[spookie]

Does he know about the previous abortion? You might want to be prepared for his using it against you, especially if he freaks out. Objectively, I can see the distinction you're drawing about your being able to support this child vs the previous one. However, he might not see the difference, and you should be prepared for that.

 

He knows, but when I told him, it was from the perspective of that having been a really difficult part of my life, that I am glad to be past.

[silverfish]

OP how do you think he'll react?

 

If you are determined that you are going ahead with the pregnancy, then his reaction is only going to tell you more about your relationship, and that's not the 'problem'. This relationship is not statistically likely to be successful (sorry, I know, I'm mean), so you have to put yourself first.

 

Last time you were in this situation, you DID listen to your then BF and what he wanted...and you now aren't together, so asking him (your ex BF)what he thought WASN'T the best thing for you.

 

Hopefully you won't get the same reaction from your BF, but his decision is irrelevant if you've made up your mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'd say exactly the same thing if you were considering an abortion.

[spookie]

OP how do you think he'll react?

 

If you are determined that you are going ahead with the pregnancy, then his reaction is only going to tell you more about your relationship, and that's not the 'problem'. This relationship is not statistically likely to be successful (sorry, I know, I'm mean), so you have to put yourself first.

 

Last time you were in this situation, you DID listen to your then BF and what he wanted...and you now aren't together, so asking him (your ex BF)what he thought WASN'T the best thing for you.

 

Hopefully you won't get the same reaction from your BF, but his decision is irrelevant if you've made up your mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'd say exactly the same thing if you were considering an abortion.

 

Oh, I know. His reaction is irrelevent as far as the decision to have the baby goes.

 

But even if this relationship is statistically doomed to fail, I still care about the guy, and I have enough empathy to know how hard a pill this is gonna be for him to swallow! My mind's made up about the kid, but I want still want to minimize the damage to the boyfriend, and our relationship.

[Stockalone]

Also, is it ok to wait? Or is that something that you're supposed to share with the other person as soon as you find out?

 

I agree with those who said that you should see a doctor to confirm that you are pregnant.

 

I also think it is okay to wait until you have been to a doctor before you tell your bf.

 

 

What's the best way to let the father of my unborn child know, he knocked me up?

 

I am a bit surprised that you didn't talk about the possibility of getting pregnant before.

 

That said, I believe you have to do it in person. If you are afraid that he would interrupt you or yell at you, you could give him a letter.

 

Write down everything you want to tell him, then give him the letter in person and ask him to read the whole letter before he responds to the news.

 

You could then also tell him that it's okay to take some time to collect his thoughts. Suggest that he takes a walk to think things over (or calm down if that is needed) if he wants to.

 

 

My career is just taking off, I don't even know if I want to marry this guy, my body is never going to be the same, and I'm not ready for that!

 

To be honest, I do not think that he is even remotely ready to become a father.

 

I am sure he was only joking, but this:

 

he's terrified of babies, having offered to push me down the stairs when i joked i was pregnant with his

 

doesn't exactly sound like a guy who is okay with becoming a dad right now.

 

 

Add that to a couple of other things you posted about him and your relationship, and it doesn't sound good. That said, you never know, he might man up and also grow up and make better (more responsible) choices from now on.

 

And I really wouldn't mind being wrong about him. Still, I think you really need to take a good look at this relationship and ask yourself if this is really what you want.

 

I do wish you luck, and I mean that sincerely.