Spookie, mother-to-be, breaking the news

[spookie]

What's the best way to let the father of my unborn child know, he knocked me up?

 

I have a feeling he is going to freak out, and I would like to give him time to collect himself before he gets back to me with his thoughts/ feelings on the subject.

 

I've been pregnant before, in college. Telling my long-term boyfriend back then was the worst experience of my life. He completely flipped, accused me of trying to ruin his life, and threatened suicide.

 

If current bf is going to go through the same emotions, I don't think I need to be there to witness that.

 

However, calling, emailing, or texting to let him know, seems highly immature.

 

Also, is it ok to wait? Or is that something that you're supposed to share with the other person as soon as you find out?

 

Personally, I'd rather keep this tidbit of info to myself, until I start to show. Again, this is based on my experience last time around. The more people I "turned to" for help, the more stressed out and confused I became, as they all came at me with advice and accusations.

[Star Gazer]

IMO, how you approach it with your BF depends on what YOUR plans are (keep, abort, adopt, etc.)... so, what are they?

[spookie]

IMO, how you approach it with your BF depends on what YOUR plans are (keep, abort, adopt, etc.)... so, what are they?

 

Keep.

 

He does not want children anytime soon. He broke up with his last gf because she wanted to get married and have babies. He is going back to graduate school in the fall, for which he'll be taking on a significant amount of debt, which is on of the MANY reasons he's not ready.

 

I didn't want kids until my thirties but I don't view abortion as an option. And at 24 and being financially stable, I'm not going to carry the pregnancy to full term to give the kid away. I don't want a kid right now, but if I need to have one, I'm ready.

[Pfiend101]

IF the plan is to keep it I think he needs to know immediately. If the plan is to abort may be not at all. I may get flamed for that last one.

[Rorschach]

See this is one of the reasons I'm almost (but not really) glad that I don't get any sex. This is a problem I don't even want to THINK about having.

[sally4sara]

Keep.

 

He does not want children anytime soon. He broke up with his last gf because she wanted to get married and have babies. He is going back to graduate school in the fall, for which he'll be taking on a significant amount of debt, which is on of the MANY reasons he's not ready.

 

I didn't want kids until my thirties but I don't view abortion as an option. And at 24 and being financially stable, I'm not going to carry the pregnancy to full term to give the kid away. I don't want a kid right now, but if I need to have one, I'm ready.

 

Do you still date this guy? Do you intend to continue to date this guy?

[spookie]

Do you still date this guy? Do you intend to continue to date this guy?

 

Yes, why??

[reservoirdog1]

Keep.

Then he needs to be told IMMEDIATELY. Keeping it a secret until you start to show is unfair to him, especially since the desire to do so is based on the desire to avoid an awkward situation.

 

It's going to be awkward and difficult whenever it happens. At least by telling him now, he has the maximum amount of time to come to terms with the situation. To say nothing of the fact that the two of you have a lot of stuff to work out and arrangements to make.

 

God, I am SO glad I got snipped a few years back. It's made years since my divorce a LOT less worrisome.

[pandagirl]

You tell him in person, say that you are planning on keeping the baby, and if he needs times to collect his thoughts before he makes any decisions, that is fine.

 

Spookie, how long have you been dating this guy again? Is it serious, or more casual?

[Rorschach]

Then he needs to be told IMMEDIATELY. Keeping it a secret until you start to show is unfair to him, especially since the desire to do so is based on the desire to avoid an awkward situation.

 

It's going to be awkward and difficult whenever it happens. At least by telling him now, he has the maximum amount of time to come to terms with the situation. To say nothing of the fact that the two of you have a lot of stuff to work out and arrangements to make.

 

God, I am SO glad I got snipped a few years back. It's made years since my divorce a LOT less worrisome.

 

I'm almost freaked out to the point where I want to put some boys in the freezer, get snipped, and be done with it until I'm ready.

[spookie]

You tell him in person, say that you are planning on keeping the baby, and if he needs times to collect his thoughts before he makes any decisions, that is fine.

 

Spookie, how long have you been dating this guy again? Is it serious, or more casual?

 

About 5 months. It's casual.

[sally4sara]

Yes, why??

 

Well you will need to get him to agree to sign the papers for adoption with you. Since that might not happen till after you're too far gone for an abortion, you have to hope he doesn't change his mind.

Also, what if he doesn't trust you to not change your mind about adoption the further along you become, or after you give birth?

 

I just think, that while you have all your options available, it would be best to tell him as quickly as possible - in person - to really know what your situation is and will maybe become.

[spookie]

Well you will need to get him to agree to sign the papers for adoption with you. Since that might not happen till after you're too far gone for an abortion, you have to hope he doesn't change his mind.

Also, what if he doesn't trust you to not change your mind about adoption the further along you become, or after you give birth?

 

I just think, that while you have all your options available, it would be best to tell him as quickly as possible - in person - to really know what your situation is and will maybe become.

 

 

What? I am not going to give the baby up for adoption.

[spookie]

You tell him in person, say that you are planning on keeping the baby, and if he needs times to collect his thoughts before he makes any decisions, that is fine.

 

Spookie, how long have you been dating this guy again? Is it serious, or more casual?

 

Just curious, what are the decisions you're referring to? I wasn't aware than men had any decisions to make. What I don't want is for him to get the idea that he's entitled to making a decision for ME, and start pressuring me for an abortion. I'm not going to crack anyway and if he goes this route I'm afraid our relationship might also be over.

[Pfiend101]

How old are you spookie? Also how long have you been dating again? I forget I think I read it somewhere though.

[sally4sara]

What? I am not going to give the baby up for adoption.

 

I'm sorry, I mis-read your intention.

 

If you're going to have and keep the kid, AND want to stay with him, you're going to have to tell him before you start showing. That is shady and likely to make his reaction even worse.

[spookie]

How old are you spookie? Also how long have you been dating again? I forget I think I read it somewhere though.

 

I am 24, he's 26, we've been dating 5 months.

[pandagirl]

Just curious, what are the decisions you're referring to? I wasn't aware than men had any decisions to make. What I don't want is for him to get the idea that he's entitled to making a decision for ME, and start pressuring me for an abortion. I'm not going to crack anyway and if he goes this route I'm afraid our relationship might also be over.

 

I meant, if he wants to help you raise the child. Things in that vein.

[Green]

seriously some times I think people don't read.

 

Hey Spookie, I think you should tell him. Are you worried he is going to yell at you and blame you... cause seriously none of this could have happened with out him.

 

You do whats best for you, but I think you should tell him. He really should be helping you out financialy 50/50 for all the pre-birth expenses. He is also going to have to help suport this child at a minimum financially...

 

so did you take another birth control test? how did you find out u were preggers?

[alphamale]

hmm i guess i was wrong about you being preggo, my bad

[sally4sara]

If you think you're ready to raise a child, you should also be ready to face this guy and talk to him about it.

[spookie]

I meant, if he wants to help you raise the child. Things in that vein.

 

Gotcha.

 

I EXPECT him not to be a dead-beat dad. However, I realize some people will fall short of expectations.

[Green]

Gotcha.

 

I EXPECT him not to be a dead-beat dad. However, I realize some people will fall short of expectations.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that hopefuly you can atleast stick him on the child support.

[spookie]

seriously some times I think people don't read.

 

Hey Spookie, I think you should tell him. Are you worried he is going to yell at you and blame you... cause seriously none of this could have happened with out him.

 

You do whats best for you, but I think you should tell him. He really should be helping you out financialy 50/50 for all the pre-birth expenses. He is also going to have to help suport this child at a minimum financially...

 

so did you take another birth control test? how did you find out u were preggers?

 

Thanks Green... yes, I took another test, it was oh-so-slightly positive. I'm going to take another one int he morning that I expect will confirm this.

 

Regarding WHETHER or not to tell him, of course I will. My question is, what is the best time, place, and approach, for breaking this news to someone who will not hear it as good news?

 

Yes, I am scared of him yelling. I am scared I will feel guilty for not choosing abortion even though that is probably what he'll want. I am scared I will believe the accusations that I'm ruining his life.

 

My ex said, if you love me, you'll have an abortion.

 

I just don't WANT to hear anything like this from this guy. It's my choice, I already know what that choice will be, and hearing stuff like that is just going to piss me off/ stress me.

 

I am ready to give him as much time as he needs to come to terms with the matter, but unless he can come to those terms in a non-threatening, non-accusatory manner, I think he needs to do so alone.

[spookie]

If you think you're ready to raise a child, you should also be ready to face this guy and talk to him about it.

 

Yes, I realize this.

 

I just need to find a way to tell him wherin I don't have to see his reaction.

 

With my ex, the ordeal lasted about 10 hours of us just screaming at each other, me crying, etc. Then he left my place and ignored my calls for a week. I was a complete emotional trainwreck. I want to avoid letting this guy's reaction, whatever it may be, have the same effect on my psyche.