collegemommy Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 For the most part, I had started no contact with my ex a couple of days ago. I knew he wouldn't call to check on our daughter so I just stopped texting/calling. He sent a text Sunday about getting the rest of his stuff but I ignored it. Monday he did the same thing and then called when I didn't respond. I still ignored it. He sent another text later in the afternoon about seeing our daughter and I caved. I answered. I was short, sweet, and to the point. So then this morning, I get another text this morning apologizing for not calling our daughter last night as he said he would. I responded with ok. A couple of hours later, I get another text asking how my date went the other night. I ignored it considering it's none of his business. He ended up sending another text about something else and I stupidly responded. So all day long we have been texting (we are both at work so neither one of us can talk on the phone). Finally, he made a comment and I had to explain to him that we are not friends. He asked why not and I told him that I can't be friends with someone I love and by putting me in the friend zone, it means I am only second best. I refuse to be second rate. He continued to tell me that he has known me his whole life and will interact with me for the rest of it so we might as well be friends instead of enemies. I explained to him that he has being friends and being civil confused. He claimed he doesn't and doesn't care what I say, I am his friend. Why the hell would I want to stay friends with this guy? Why would I want to watch him fall in love, have more kids, and marry someone else? Why would I want to have to "play nice" with any girlfriends he may have just so they don't feel threatened by my presence (yes, for whatever reason people are oddly worried that he and I will get together - even before we were dating). Am I wrong for not wanting to be friends? Should I be friends with him for the sake of my daughter? If so, how do I stop feeling jealous of the new girl he is with?
GrayClouds Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 To releave his guilt, boost his ego, keep you around in case the new one does not pan out or trying to have his cake and eat it too. Take your pick. Yes for your child's sake civility, for your sake no friending stupidity.
mickleb Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 No, you're not wrong. You're right. Be civil for the sake of your daughter and nothing more. Seems to me that he likes to dictate situations. Don't let him do that anymore. x
sean1970 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Why the hell would I want to stay friends with this guy? Why would I want to watch him fall in love, have more kids, and marry someone else? Why would I want to have to "play nice" with any girlfriends he may have just so they don't feel threatened by my presence (yes, for whatever reason people are oddly worried that he and I will get together - even before we were dating). Am I wrong for not wanting to be friends? Should I be friends with him for the sake of my daughter? If so, how do I stop feeling jealous of the new girl he is with? No, not wrong... And, by the way, being friends is not his choice alone. Civil you will have to be but don't guilt over rejecting him as a friend. Take care of number 1 and your 1a.
ADF Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 In my experience, exs--especially male exs--make contact for one reason only: to try and rekindle something. That may mean a full-blown reconciliation, or it may mean an attempt to lure their former flame into some kind of FWB arrangment. Keep this in mind: men--especially younger men--almost never go out of their way to make "friends" with women unless they are interested in them sexually. Almost never.
Green Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 No you don't have to be friends with him. But for your sake and your daughters sake it would be good if you had a working relationship for her benefit.
sean1970 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 No you don't have to be friends with him. But for your sake and your daughters sake it would be good if you had a working relationship for her benefit. If a relationship with the ex is not caustic, I agree.
sean1970 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 In my experience, exs--especially male exs--make contact for one reason only: to try and rekindle something. If they were the dumper, I would agree more... When they are the dumped, men seem to seek "No, you were not Satan, I did love you at one point, Im sorry for my part in how the breakup went down." I suppose this could be gender independent but that has been my observation.
Author collegemommy Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Thanks for all of the insight. I pretty much just told him how this is going to be. He called a little while ago to speak with our daughter. I talked to him after. I told him that I will be civil and have a healthy parenting relationship with him but anything further is not happening. He made some comments (nothing hurtful) and I realized that I'm in love with a man child who has no respect for any females. We are all nothing but disposable sex toys for him to play with. I'm a wonderful person and he is an idiot for not seeing that. I can do better and I will...
teanoranges Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Seriously, this guy is a CHILD! For one, he used his daughter as an excuse to get you to talk to him... meanwhile, he completely doesn't call (for whatever reason, but he could have text or called to say he couldn't do it) Its great that your daughter will be able to talk to him, and even better that she will be able to witness her strong mother stand up for herself against a man who is trying to use women as objects. It is very important to set that example, to do it for her sake in witnessing being a strong woman. if that makes any sense... sorry. Rambling.
2yearsNC Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 he wants to end it on a good note so in the future if he ever needs something he can contact you. does not want to cut you out of his life completely, at least it shows he has no hard feelings against you, just doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason. he doesn't hate you, just doesn't want you but somehow he's benefiting by you still being in the picture
Author collegemommy Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 I agree that he doesn't hate me and he has no real hard feelings. I've learned the past couple of days that he is back to getting high. Every single time he does this, he turns into someone I don't even know. Since he knows how strongly I feel about drug use, he doesn't want to be with me so he can spend days smoking weed. This girl he is now dating does the same thing so of course he wants to be with her. He wants to be my friend because at somepoint he knows that he will have to step away from weed, and will ultimately try to work things out with me. This is the cycle I have dealt with for years with him. I didn't realize he was smoking again when we split. I started to suspect but he denied it and I believed him. Then he decides to tell his ex before me who then told me about him trying to pick up their children while high. He doesn't realize I know... I love how he thinks I'm completely stupid. So anyway, his behavior will not be tolerated by me. He can talk to my voicemail everyday but he will not hear from me unless it pertains to our daughter. I will not be sending her for overnight visits either since he seems to think being high and taking care of kids is a good thing. He says I'm being heartless by keeping our daughter away from him but he is the one making the decisions to live the way he is.
sally4sara Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 You two have a kid together. Many people (I am one) would be relieved if they could be on good terms with their kid's other parent. I know it is hard right now. Maybe you will never be real friends. Right now the idea of seeing him mature enough to have a good relationship - with someone else stings. But your life is not over. You too could meet someone fabulous and have a great relationship, even maybe have more kids. The years will go by and this guy will not seem so ideal. He will pale by comparison to the right person for you and maybe, just maybe you two can be real friends. Not even just for your kid' sake, but because you've moved on in your heart.
blind_otter Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Lord, I know how you feel, but my ex spits vitriol at me if I am anything but seductive to him, so it's been hell. My therapist tells me that there is always a period of not being friendly after a breakup. That is normal and healthy. It is weird and freakish to go from not wanting to be romantically involved to wanting to be friends. That's insensitive, not respecting the other person's need to resolve their feelings and loose ends before attempting a friendship.
Author collegemommy Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 To be honest, at some point I want to be friends with him. That point is not right now and maybe not a year from now. My parents separated when I was young. I don't remember them fighting but I from what I hear from both of them is there was a lot of issues with them after they split up. To this day, my mom thinks my dad is a horrible father. However, they get along great now and what I would consider "friends." My ex and I have been friends since I was 2 years old. I never wanted to date him because of this issue now. I knew that if we split, it would never go back. I told him this and he reassured me constantly that he would never not be there for me. So I agreed and here we are. Just this morning he had me in tears because he told me to jump off the nearest bridge and that he wished he had never met me. It cut me to the core. Of course, within an hour, he apologized for saying such cruel things to me but regardless, it hurt like hell. On top of all that, yes, it sucks that he is with someone already. He wants to take our daughter for visits with him but his new girlfriend is with him every second of the day. She gets mad if he doesn't answer his phone when she calls. So I already feel replaced by her, I just don't want my daughter to replace me too. He doesn't understand these feelings and is insensitive. Tells me that this girlfriend is a "good girl" and I should meet her. No, I don't want to meet her. I don't want to know her. I don't ever want to see her. Plus I think he has poor judgement. So does the mother of his other two kids. She said last night that he talked to her and he made a comment like, "I have excellent judgement. I was about to marry Collegemommy) and we all know how great she is!" Ok, well you didn't marry me honey and if I'm so great, why are you messing with someone else??!!
blind_otter Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Plus I think he has poor judgement. So does the mother of his other two kids. She said last night that he talked to her and he made a comment like, "I have excellent judgement. I was about to marry Collegemommy) and we all know how great she is!" Ok, well you didn't marry me honey and if I'm so great, why are you messing with someone else??!! No offense to anyone, but I think generally speaking people with substance abuse problems have poor judgment. I speak from personal experience, I've been sober for a few years now...I had bad judgment about people I associated with when I was using, because you usually choose to hang with other users, and they usually have thier own grab bag of issues that led to them being habitually depedent on a substance - so it's the blind leading the blind. You have every right to ask that your ex have a stable, longerm commitment to this woman before introducing her to your child. It does not good to have adults passing in and out of a child's life. My ex's older son from his first marriage lived with his mother, and she had a string of boyfriends that came and went, and that child has trust issues out the yin yang.
Recommended Posts