Trying to make sense of it all

[dumbchick]

I would like to know how somebody who's cheated on his partner feels when they are discovered having an EA. And how did they go about building the trust again to repair the devastation they created.

I was cheated on for about 7 yrs and hadn't got a clue. I thought I'd go mad when I found out. How could I have been so naive and trusting. My partner had to work away for most of this time and got " friendly" with someone else out of lonliness but why did it not stop. Is it so addictive? He said it was nothing I did that caused it and he never stopped loving me he just never got round to ending it as it was never that serious for him - just a friendship. Please help me understand all of this. We have decided to work at our relationship and we talk lots now and I can see how easily it all started so innocently but I just can't seem to stop the feelings of hurt and sadness. I really feel my heart has been broken

[Green]

how did you find out? was it just an EA or a PA as well? what do you know about the EA they had?

[dumbchick]

On Xmas day a txt came through for him.I went to give him his mobile and noticed a name I didn't know on it and curiousity made me open txt. It was a bombshell. Thanking him for his christmas present. I can only describe the feeling as - being told somebody close has died and you go into denial but you know its true. I kerpt it to myself all day as we were going to family and I couldn't ruin everybodys day and I also wanted to try and get myself together. I was in shock and everybody thought I was tipsy. That night I confronted him. He said he was relieved it was out as he was having trouble trying to cope with it all. He first tried to tell me it was just a friendship. To be perfectly honest I dont think he actually thought of it as an affair as it wasn't a PA and I had never heard of an EA. Over the next few days it all gradually came out. How it was the lonliness that made him go to the pub (where he met her) He lost his mobile and her daughter found it and when he got it back she (mother)started txting him. He said it was just friendly txts and that was all. After trawling this and other sites I understand a bond forms between E partners and I think he just lived two seperate lives. I have not told anybody about this and what I am going through. I have also learnt a lot about myself. I didn't think I was capable of such rage, hatred and anger and it really scares me

[Snowflower]

how did you find out? was it just an EA or a PA as well? what do you know about the EA they had?

 

To be perfectly honest I dont think he actually thought of it as an affair as it wasn't a PA and I had never heard of an EA.

 

Hi, DC (I really can't write your screen name because I definitely don't think it applies to you) And welcome!

 

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how badly it hurts--I've been there myself.

 

Most importantly, please don't fall into the trap of thinking it was JUST an EA. IMO, EA's are just as destructive, if not more destructive to a relationship/marriage than a PA.

 

And to be honest, you only have his word that it wasn't a PA as well. It could have easily been physical as well. I'm not saying that it definitely was, just something to consider. It will be up to you determine if he is telling the truth about the A.

 

How is he acting now? Does he want to repair your relationship? Do you want to continue the relationship?

[dumbchick]

Snowflower - I know I could have coped with a ONS better. The threat was that they had become emotionally involved. We have been together 20 yrs and it is 2nd time around for both of us. He phoned and told her it was over but in Feb I found another txt to her that he forgot to delete so I knew there was still contact. I told him if he really wanted to try and fix this with me he had to change his no. He txt her to say he was doing this and there would be no more txting to her and he now has new no. I check his phone thouroughly and have put a delivery report on it (which he knows nothing about, cos he's not a technical geek) and since this there has been NC. He is rermorsefull and desperately wants us to move on from this. I have given him the space and understand he needs to get over this himself so we can both move on. He is a very private person, but sisnce all this I have managed to get him to open up and talk more than we ever did. I know what he was doing is sneaky and he was cheating on me and believe me he knows my views on all of that. If it wasn't clear to him before it is now. We do things together now every opportunity we can and we are really getting on great. He listens to me when I am down and talks to me. We are past the shouting stage. I know it tears him apart when he sees me so upset. He said he knew she wanted more from it all than he did but he didn't want to hurt her. I know how selfish that is. I just hate her and hope she knows just what her part in all this was. She knew about me and still went after him. What an ego boost for him. He says he was in fantasy land - well he's come down to earth with a great big bump. He has been back home for 2 yrs now and it still continued. That really hurt. They didn't see that much of each other. It was largely by txting their affair. He says he would never have crossed the boundary to a PA. That would have been a breach too far

[Snowflower]

It's good to hear that you aren't just accepting that it was just an EA or a 'friendship'

 

It sounds like the two of you have been doing some talking and having some good discussions, which is good start.

 

Have the two of you considered counseling? It is a long road back from a betrayal like this, you will both need a neutral and helpful third party.

[dumbchick]

I accept nothing at face value any more. I did too much accepting in the past and thats how I never clicked. It will take a lot more talking and action to recover from this. What is you experience and are you working things out. I'd be very interested to know. I don't think councelling is an option for us as his business is his business

[PhoenixRise]

I accept nothing at face value any more. I did too much accepting in the past and thats how I never clicked. It will take a lot more talking and action to recover from this. What is you experience and are you working things out. I'd be very interested to know. I don't think councelling is an option for us as his business is his business

 

 

What does his business is his business mean?

 

He cheated. He broke your trust.

 

He is trying to earn your forgiveness right?

 

He has shown you that he is the kind of man who is capable of deceit on a grand scale. He has shown you he has very weak boundaries. He has shown you enough that you would be perfectly justified to reject him as a partner.

 

Are you saying that he would not be willing to show you that he can be a different/better man by doing counseling to get to the root of his problems?

 

Counseling should be a requirement. It should be just one of the things he is willing to do to show you that he is worth a second chance.

 

AND I hate your username by the way. I seriously doubt that you are at all dumb. You were deceived by somebody who used your trust against you. I know how you feel. I have been there. But none of this makes you dumb. .

[Hopefullyjaded]

I am so sorry for the loss you are dealing with. I had a similar experience with my H. I believed my H for about a year that the EA was not physical. Sadly I found out that was untrue. He even had unprotected sex with her. Go to you doctor and get tested for STDs. I hope your H is being truthful but you have to remember as much as you want to trust him, he has shown you that can be dangerous. Don't take chances with your health. I am happy to say that I was free of any STD's (and I should be after 11 years of marriage-the unfortunate truth is that I just got lucky).

[Snowflower]

I accept nothing at face value any more. I did too much accepting in the past and thats how I never clicked. It will take a lot more talking and action to recover from this. What is you experience and are you working things out. I'd be very interested to know. I don't think councelling is an option for us as his business is his business

 

Well, I think counseling is crucial to rebuilding your relationship. What do you mean that his business is his business? He won't go to counseling? I think if you want to go to counseling, he should be able to do this for you.

 

If he can't show that he is taking the necessary steps to repair things between you, how can you ever really trust him or take him at his word?

 

It is hard work to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal--it takes hard work from both partners--especially the one who did the betraying.

 

I am about 1.5 years into recovery after my husband's infidelity. In some ways, I still can't believe this happened to me. However, we are doing well as a couple and a large part of the reason why is because my husband was willing to do whatever it took to keep me/our marriage.

 

If my husband hadn't been willing to do what I needed from him, then we would be divorced by now, by my choice most likely.

 

This is why I am concerned for you--if he is unwilling to go to counseling for whatever reason--then where does that leave you? Of course it takes a lot more than just counseling to recover from this--but counseling is a good start.

[Green]

After hearing more of your story and how you found out and were so alone I feel for you. An EA is easier to catch then PA because of the constant back and forth. Truthfuly a simple kiss or one night stand would be easier to forgive. I also think that your husband may have also had a PA.

 

It sounds like your husband wants to earn your trust back, only time will tell if thats posible...

 

in a way it is like some one died, the perception you had of your H died and took a bit with you. Hopefuly you can stay together I wish you the best, and please don't feel alone or like you deserved this... because you are not alone and do not deserve to be made to feel this way by some one you love.

[bentnotbroken]

I was in the same boat as you. I questioned everything about my life after I found out. For over 20 years I trusted blindly. I have no intention of ever being in that position again. I am sorry you find yourself here.

[dumbchick]

I have had an STD test and thankfully it was clear. My P was hurt about this but understood my need to do it. I felt very humiliated being in this position.

To put you more in the pic my P had to go and work in a remote part where he could not get a very good phone signal cos he couldn't get work at home and was very unhappy. I'm not making exuses for him doing what he did but if I had leaned on him a bit more emotionally and told him how unhappy I was and how I missed him instead of letting him think I was coping so well. He says he mistook this that I didn't really care as long as he was earning. Lack of proper communication played a big part. He moved out of the direct area to put some distance between them when she started getting heavy and should have stopped all contact with her as well but I suppose it was the ego thing again.He said it was occasional txts between them just to see how the other was doing. Of course he knew this was wrong but couldnt see the harm in it. He has been back home for 2 years now and the hurtful thing is that they still kept it up. In Dec last year he had to back down for a couple of days. I know they met up and he had taken her a watch as hers was broken. He now knows what a mistake that was cos that gave her the wrong signals. I think on xmas day she txt'd with the intention of me finding out and trying to force him to go to her. She had asked him way back to leave me but he told her that was not going to happen and that was why he moved away from her. He should have seen how dangerous it was getting but no he'd hoped it would die a natural death. HA HA The 2 txts I saw after he told her at Xmas it was over and he wanted NC- hers were from a lover but the replies from him didn't have any love or kisses or anything other than general chit chat. He should have had more B...s and told her straight, instead of trying to be a "Nice Guy" and not hurt her

He says he will b there for me for as long as it takes. I've never suggested counseling as it is not something I would be comfortable with either. Its like I am afraid to be happy as when we have great days I feel so sad as well - that its taken this for us to do so much together and communicate openly. Don't get me wrong, its a rocky road with both of us getting upset, but we both believe what we have is worth saving and we can make it better

[dumbchick]

It's been a see-saw 2 weeks since my last post but for 2 days I have not cried. I hate mondays now cos he makes such an effort to do things together at weekends, and it's great I feel depressed on a monday cos I dont work then and I don't like my own company much at the moment (too much thinking time) Yesterday I was determined to try and think positive and so I made a hate list of all the things I hate her and him for and then I told myself that I am a much better person than them, cos I would never do what they have done to me.then I went visiting so I would have company and I had a good day.

I have been keeeping a journal since I found out, of my thoughts and moods which has kept me sane in the early days. Last week I let him read it before I destroyed it cos nobody knows about any of this. I had hoped it would open the door for him to open up a bit more, and discuss things rationally, but all he wants is to move on and forget it, and I understand the guilt he is feeling. He has taken responsibility for what he's done, apologised and is treating me really well. He takes my venomous outbursts and understands it's because I am so hurt, but has told me he dreads coming home at night cos he doesn't know what to expect. He also thinks I am trying to rub his nose in it cos I keep bringing it up. Last night I told him I had a good day and had written a hate list but I also told him that either WE or ME are going back to where she lives. I still have her no and have been so close to texting her but so far managed to restrain myself. I really dont want her to know just what devastation I,ve felt, but at the same time I want my revenge and I either want to go back there together and let her see that we are still together and rub her nose in it (I dont want to speak to her) just hurt her or if I have to go myself I want to expose her to people there. It is a tiny village where everybody knows each other. Of course my partner thinks this unneccessary cos all I want to do is make him squirm. Am I playing a dangerous game? Would it really make me feel better?

If I could only get past this stage, everything else is fantastic, including our sex life. We had not had sex for about 8 years, cos my partner has always had erectile dysfunction and gave up on it even though he tried councelling many years ago which did not help. I know he must have issues from his past but they are so deep he cant or wont speak about them. He was an only child, his dad died when he was 10 and his mam is died about a year before he went away to work. I believe he didn't deal with that properly and I probably didn't understand what he may have been going through as a lot was going on in my family at the time and for the next 5 years, which I didn't burden him with, cos he was away most of the time. So I suppose it was a combination of a lot of things that could have led ot an EA. Any advice would be appreciated