EthanH Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 (edited) ok so i have posted on here quite a lot about my break-up, but haven't written anything for ages. Have managed to just take some time to myself and spend more time with friends, gone out, had fun etc etc, but the time has made me realise something and I want to ask your opinion on it. I know most of you will always say a situation is cut and dried...ie if someone does a) it will be because of b), due to your past experiences. However, something I have realised by speaking to friends is the catch 22 nature of my situation. The problem with our relationship was that the age gap/differing experience of relationships/differences in ability to express emotions etc... speaking to mutual friends, they say that the main problem since we split it, is when I have tried to get her back, it has just cemented her view of my certainty of liking her. I have backed off massively, but when I have spoken to her, I have with such passion and certainty. However, if I back off, she tells friends she misses me, she admits to me that she still has really strong feelings for me, but isn't sure that it's enough (something which has always been a problem, and i have concluded it is more to do with her lack of experience than any lack of feelings for me...she had doubts from quite early on, but friends told me it was nothing to do with me, she always raved about how much she liked me), but cannot change her mind atm as she sees going back as the weak thing to do. She has made it clear to me on many occasions over the last few months that she doesn't know what she thinks, some days she is certain, others she is unsure. But the more I leave things, the more set in her decision she becomes, the more down she gets, but the more she feels she cannot go back. Her personality isn't to act, he personality is to mope, feel sorry for herself and then when someone comes to cheer her up, she gets annoyed with herself for being down, and decides to 'man up'. Edited May 4, 2010 by EthanH
northstar1 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 ok so i have posted on here quite a lot about my break-up, but haven't written anything for ages. Have managed to just take some time to myself and spend more time with friends, gone out, had fun etc etc, but the time has made me realise something and I want to ask your opinion on it. I know most of you will always say a situation is cut and dried...ie if someone does a) it will be because of b), due to your past experiences. However, something I have realised by speaking to friends is the catch 22 nature of my situation. The problem with our relationship was that the age gap/differing experience of relationships/differences in ability to express emotions etc... speaking to mutual friends, they say that the main problem since we split it, is when I have tried to get her back, it has just cemented her view of my certainty of liking her. I have backed off massively, but when I have spoken to her, I have with such passion and certainty. However, if I back off, she tells friends she misses me, she admits to me that she still has really strong feelings for me, but isn't sure that it's enough (something which has always been a problem, and i have concluded it is more to do with her lack of experience than any lack of feelings for me...she had doubts from quite early on, but friends told me it was nothing to do with me, she always raved about how much she liked me), but cannot change her mind atm as she sees going back as the weak thing to do. She has made it clear to me on many occasions over the last few months that she doesn't know what she thinks, some days she is certain, others she is unsure. But the more I leave things, the more set in her decision she becomes, the more down she gets, but the more she feels she cannot go back. Her personality isn't to act, he personality is to mope, feel sorry for herself and then when someone comes to cheer her up, she gets annoyed with herself for being down, and decides to 'man up'. Hi Ethan, so what are you looking for input on ? if she feels she cannot go back because you left it, well that tells me she wasn't entirely committed to making it work in the end. If she truly felt it was worth fighting for, she would, regardless of how long it has been.
Author EthanH Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 see thats what I thought, I thought she would fight for it if it was important enough...and yet everyone I speak to tells me that is not the problem, she told people she got stuck in this situation, whereby she would always feel she made the weak decision if she went with her feelings of missing me (even if they were genuine and not from neediness) but also that the more I pushed her, the more angry she got as she pushed the thoughts of missing me out of the way as she could grasp onto this idea that i didn't respect her decision and therefore didn't respect her. I don't think it is as simple as saying if someone doesn't go back against their decision, it shows they don't care enough...everyone has told her since we got back and then broke up again that she cannot mess me around, so it almost feels like she is being a martyr to 'do the strong thing' even though going back and dealing with things is actually the least weak of her options, if of course she had the initial urge to do that...
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I don't think it is as simple as saying if someone doesn't go back against their decision, it shows they don't care enough... First of all...friends usually give the worst advice...for two reasons: (1) they tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better, and/or (2) they tell you whatever will get you to move on so they don't have to hear about it anymore...I have found that strangers give the better advice, as their judgment isn't clouded by knowing the actual parties...only by the facts... But anyway, you've kept saying that your situation is different...that your relationship with your ex is "special" and doesn't follow the way of the universe...but unfortunately, it does...every breakup boils down to the same fundamental aspects and root causes...you insist that not all situations, including your own, are that simple... Let me illustrate with some extreme examples... (1) You have a steady career at location X. Your SO gets an opportunity at her dream job that takes her 10,000 miles away from you...basically permanently...you break up because of it...it may sound terrible, but at the end of the day, she didn't care enough about the relationship to stay and "fight for it"...or else she would have turned down the dream job for the sake of the relaitonship...but instead, she cared more about her own life...and of course it's the better choice... (2) You are a complete douchebag that beats your SO. Your SO cannot take it anymore. Again, she doesn't care enough about the relationship or you to stay around and take the abuse...she values herself more...again, as she should... (3) Your situation: from the facts you've given me, she seems to be putting her ego and her "personal strength" and whatever else is going on in her little head in higher regard than you and the relationship...she doesn't care enough to yield and be seen as "the weak one"...again, she's putting herself above the relationship and is unwilling to "sacrifice herself" to get back with you... So no matter what situation you come up with, it all ends up being the same thing...she just don't care anymore...
lvixen Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 She's undecisive? Make the decision for her and break off all contact.
Author EthanH Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 ok, i'm not saying my situation is 'special' I'm sure there are many in my position. (as for the friends advice, I know when someone is sugar coating things to me, and I know when people are genuine, and I am capable of conversations where it is clear if it was just a comforting that, and it wasn't. These are people who know her. The gist I was trying to get to, wasn't to be told, to 'give up'... I guess I was just wanting to state the point that i have realised that when you are trying to persuade someone that you aren't more serious than them... if they break up with you, there isn't much you can do. Conventional wisdom seems to be that when someone breaks-up with you, the best thing to do is to let them miss you, and the way to do that is not run back to them, to back off (you cannot miss someone who is always available)...and this is the advice i would give to someone in my position... the problem is, and i think this is where the situation is out of the norm... most people in her position who start to miss the person they admit they have very strong feelings for, most would edge closer to their ex... with her, because of her personality, it is to just mope about missing me, eat more food (she is skinny but has put on a lot of weight since we broke up)...sulk, and then after a while of this, get annoyed with the very feeling of missing, let it hit her until she is exhausted, and then just give up, by which time there is usually a friend to try and cheer her up, she goes out, puts a happy face on, and then the whole thing starts again. The problem I'm not sure i can break this cycle... or even if i should want to.
northstar1 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Well then Ethan, if this is all true, she lacks the emotional maturity to know what it takes to work through problems and fight for what she wants. She has to come to this decision on her own, and she may or may not. It is out of your hands and when you are able to realize that, you can be at peace and stop looking back.
USMCHokie Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 ...with her, because of her personality, it is to just mope about missing me, eat more food (she is skinny but has put on a lot of weight since we broke up)...sulk, and then after a while of this, get annoyed with the very feeling of missing, let it hit her until she is exhausted, and then just give up, by which time there is usually a friend to try and cheer her up, she goes out, puts a happy face on, and then the whole thing starts again. The problem I'm not sure i can break this cycle... or even if i should want to. I'm glad you've recognized this pattern...and truth be told, people never change...even if you could break this cycle and get back in, it appears that she approaches hardship and adversity with this same pattern...where she screams "woe is me" for a little while, bask in the comfort of misery, then wake up and realize how bad it has gotten, and then quit that part of her life altogether... I'm not trying to talk sh*t about her, as I fully know how much she means to you and how much you do want things to work out, but as you've pointed out, is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with...? What if the two of you encountered a difficult situation as a couple...? Would you want to overcome it with someone who would simple fall over, roll around for a little while, and then walk away...? Just some food for thought...
GrayClouds Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 ok, i'm not saying my situation is 'special' I'm sure there are many in my position. (as for the friends advice, I know when someone is sugar coating things to me, and I know when people are genuine, and I am capable of conversations where it is clear if it was just a comforting that, and it wasn't. These are people who know her. The gist I was trying to get to, wasn't to be told, to 'give up'... I guess I was just wanting to state the point that i have realised that when you are trying to persuade someone that you aren't more serious than them... if they break up with you, there isn't much you can do. Conventional wisdom seems to be that when someone breaks-up with you, the best thing to do is to let them miss you, and the way to do that is not run back to them, to back off (you cannot miss someone who is always available)...and this is the advice i would give to someone in my position... the problem is, and i think this is where the situation is out of the norm... most people in her position who start to miss the person they admit they have very strong feelings for, most would edge closer to their ex... with her, because of her personality, it is to just mope about missing me, eat more food (she is skinny but has put on a lot of weight since we broke up)...sulk, and then after a while of this, get annoyed with the very feeling of missing, let it hit her until she is exhausted, and then just give up, by which time there is usually a friend to try and cheer her up, she goes out, puts a happy face on, and then the whole thing starts again. The problem I'm not sure i can break this cycle... or even if i should want to. Of course you do not want to. You looking under every rationalized rock, trying to read every theoretical tea leaf, devising yourself analytical Rorchach tests looking to prove your still in this relationship. Stop feeding your ego It is keeping you from healing and crushing your self esteem. .
Chochobong Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 What if the two of you encountered a difficult situation as a couple...? Would you want to overcome it with someone who would simple fall over, roll around for a little while, and then walk away... True words. If the two of you can't get over this hurdle, you would be in for a world of hurt when other hardships come down the road anyway. Go NC and leave her be. Maybe she matures and you two meet later in life, but don't wait for her. She is immature and indecisive, and you shouldn't want her back right now with those qualities hanging about like they are now.
Ilovecake Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Ethan I've seen you post a few times about the age gap. How old are you and your ex?
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