Love can conquer all...even the miles.

[Spiritofnow]

Hey!

 

The last few times I have been on here I was trying my hardest to understand my feelings regarding the distance versus my relationship. I think what I have learned from that process is that the two are separate, and once you can identify the tensions you feel concerning the distance over the tensions you feel concerning your relationship it will make it a lot easier to understand what belongs where.

 

I think we also need to be mindful about what else is going on in our lives when we are feeling relationship/distance tensions. I know that I was feeling overstretched, which made my LDR and all that it encompasses more difficult. I have realised that being in an LDR at times requires a lot of internal control concerning your emotions. Therefore, if you have life events to deal with it can make the dynamics of an LDR seem harder to sustain. At the end of the day I realised that my boyfriend and what we have together wasn't the real problem, but my reaction to our distance was. When things were feeling hard for me I did think about how it would feel not being in our relationship, and I realised that yes, the distance issues would be gone, but so would the man I love - the man I want to have in my life. And, that was not what I wanted.

 

So what do you do when the distance is driving you crazy and you are displacing your feelings???

 

I managed to take some time out. Not from my partner as such, but from the everyday. I went on a cheap last minute holiday and gave myself some time to re-energise.

 

I came home feeling more grounded and ready to take on anything, and then slowly the feelings I had previously felt started to return -- feeling disconnected, feeling like everything in my life was fine except aspects of the LDR.

 

I had a conversation with my bf about all those feelings, because I realised that if I didn't I would jeopardise what we have. I didn't make it his problem and I made sure he realised that my feelings were about the distance and not him.

 

It felt like such a relief to just say that I didn't want to be apart, and that I wanted to spend and share my life with him now, but the distance and the feelings that that evokes was making it hard for me to enjoy us.

 

He was pragmatic about it and wanted us to problem solve to see what we could do to help me feel better, and that was great, because it actually facilitated helping me address my emotional needs.

 

He loves me enough to say, "okay lets see how we can change this for you?" He put together a list on our wiki page of all the possibilities of me moving out there sooner. AND, I can tell you that just putting all the unknowns down in black and white has made a huge difference. We both agreed that irrespective of the obstacles that may lay ahead of us that we could make it happen if that is what we want - and it is.

 

I have also stopped counting until our next time together. I feel for me it just consumes my here and now too much. I think it's so important to be able to be in your here and now, but give yourself permission to look forward instead of constantly focusing in on looking forward, which becomes all too consuming and takes you away from the beauty of the present. Life is good for me right now in this moment, and so being mindful of not focusing on the next time we are together actually allows me to enjoy my days.

 

My relationship is a big part of my life, but it's not everything, and nor should it be.

 

We have both worked together on all of the distance issues....there were times when I felt alone or out there on my own as he seems to handle the distance better than me, but that doesn't mean I or anyone in an LDR should feel alone. Share your feelings - be a team - work together.

 

I am simply reminded that by trusting him with my feelings and taking ownership of them makes it easier for us to be a team.

 

We will be together, because that is what we both want.

 

I just wanted to share my little journey with you all, because what we have together isn't totally unique or some magical mystery - it's something you can all have if you are willing to be honest and share how you feel.

 

Love is conquering all for me right now, and that is because I have worked hard at allowing our love for each other to remain my real focus. And, because I invited someone in my life who wants to love and accept me for who I am--that didn't happen by accident--I was ready.

 

When opportunity meets preparation you can make anything happen...

 

Spirit

Edited May 4, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Els]

Wonderful post, Spiritofnow.

 

I especially agree with the part about separating our 'LDR issues' from actual 'relationship issues'. All too often I extrapolate a problem too far into the future when it really is most likely only a distance issue. I want so much for my relationship to be perfect and often harp too much on little things - when the reality of it is that no relationship can be perfect, and especially not an LDR. Too many intrinsic and built-in difficulties.

 

The most important thing I've learnt from my LDR is that things aren't always about our relationship. If my guy is down and quiet, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's not interested in me anymore or that we're 'drifting away', it could very well be because he's had a bad day, or problems on his mind, or he could just be tired and not feel like talking. It's just so much easier to see all of those IRL as compared to on a webcam, and it's also so much easier to be reassured of love through non-verbal means IRL.

[quankanne]

20 years ago, I was in your shoes. And what I learned from that LDR was how to fend for myself without expecting him to be responsible for my "happiness." And I learned the value of what matters most when it came to issues – yeah, I missed him like a big dog, but until we could be together there was nothing we could really do BUT let those annoying little things die a quick death and focus on the bigger picture.

 

and I can tell you that in nearly 18 years of marriage, that has been the tool we've relied on most ... weeding out the smaller issues and focusing on what really matters.

[madjac74]

My gf and I live 900 miles apart and our visits are usually like 3 months apart. We blamed so much of our difficulties and doubts on the distance and lost site of the important things. We had kind of a strange issue that led to us calling it quits and not speaking to each other at all. I was pretty sure it was done for good and I was absolutely miserable but then out of the blue she sends me a happy birthday message and we start talking again. I realized that distance and time apart didnt change how much I smile and laugh when I talk to her. Whether its a text, email, online chat or phone call just being a part of her life and sharing with her was all that mattered. So I agree that love does conquer all

[Spiritofnow]

Thanks, guys.

 

I love reading about other people's experiences', especially the similarities...I think what you said, Elswyth, about being aware of what might be going on in your so's life when you talk to them is so key. I think we can become hypersensitive to every little tone, and the words used in a conversation as this is the main way we communicate while we are apart.

 

Quankanne, I love your story. Love. Love. Love it!!! My partner and I have just had a few discussions on how the smaller nit picky issues in a relationship are simply a manifestation of larger issues, and we always work on dealing with what is really going on. We both have a good insight on how each of us works in our relationship, and we both recognise that pretty much all if not most of the issues we have faced at one time or another have been based on our fears, vulnerabilities or insecurities. And we both agree that we are in a really good place at dealing with those dynamics - we are a good fit : )

 

Madjac74, I love that you believe in love, too. : )

 

Thank you all for sharing.

Edited May 6, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Mei Mei]

I agree wholeheartedly that when we are the one to each others, our real love can conquer our differences in culture, time and the long distance as 10000 miles.

 

Trust that love can overcome!!:love: