I'm crushed and numb

[chimera24]

Trying to perform at my new job is extremely difficult considering what I just discovered....

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 11 year wedding anniversary this Saturday. Generally I could say all things considered I was very happy. We have two wonderful sons together and bought a house 2 years ago. It's been a little tough financially but we were getting by. My wife wanted to buy more things for the house and took it upon herself to get a second job as a waitress at a bar.

 

Lets back track to a little history....4 years ago. During our tough financial times their was a lot of tension in the household. My wife was very unhappy and we barely spoke for months. There was talk of separation on her end. I was going through some depression over our tough times and the death of my father. She ended up meeting someone else and splitting for about 3 months. There was infidelity since it started before we officially were split. I was partially able to justify reconciliation based on the fact that we were pretty much separated while living in the same household.

 

Soon after things improved, I got a much better job and she changed jobs to something better as well, things were picking up. However, she became connected to someone else. I should mention she is a beautiful woman with an bubbly, flirtatious nature and I am not surprised that men see opportunities there. She denied there was anything sexual but apologized profusely for the secret meetings and the emotinal connection she made. I found a note from him that stated he wanted to take it to the next level. I told myself although I was again crushed that the fact there was no sex yet (who knows if that is true) I can get over it. I am not convinced I have truly forgiven these past instances but I love her alot and having her back made me a much happier person. Of course at times I would still drift back to those painful memories of betrayal but life with a new house and two kids who love both their parents outweighed the memories.

 

Now to present day and what I have just discovered. She has had her new waitress job for about 2 years. She works two jobs and sometimes gets hardly any sleep. I didn't know how she could do it but she said she wanted to purchase more things to the household. There was occasional resentment for all the extra hours on her end. I found myself resenting her a bit because I felt she enjoyed this busy, exciting nighlife more than being home with her family. Although some things were being purchased for the home, there was a lot of money wasted on things not needed. I truly felt she was comfortable and happy there and it bothered me. One reason I didn't want to rock the boat much is we stopped fighting. We didn't see each other much but when we did it was pleasant. The sex life was infrequent...about twice a month and only 1nce every couple months did the sex feel like it was wanted by both parties. The others were just to keep me from going crazy I guess. She apologized that it wasn't enough for me but said all the hours were running her down.I didn't want to know anything about the bar job and I never stepped foot into it. When would I have time anyway? I had two active children who I had to take care of. I knew she was getting flirted with and probably had guys making advances but because we were generally happy I didn't think or maybe want to think things were crossing the line.

 

Her boss, the bar owner is married with children, he is 48 years old (I am 37 and she is 33) and she would reference him alot. I felt for a second job for extra cash she was being far too obedient to his needs for coming to work. I did however noticed she was always very concerned about being "the bosses pet" in all her work places. Two nights ago I decided to do a cell phone check. She guarded that thing like you wouldn't believe and was always texting on it, I knew it was mainly he girlfriends but based on history I felt suspicious. All the text messages were cleared off (also suspicious) but as I had the phone open a new one came in from her boss stating "no l u or m u or sweet dreams?". I texted back "??" and he repeated. I texted "when are we going to get naughty again". He answered "anytime you want." I convulsed in pain, went upstairs to throw up and woke her up telling her we were finished! She cried and said something was wrong with her head and she wanted to get help. She said he had been making advances for a while and he would rub her back and sweet talk her after the bar was closed. She said it had started shortly b4 Xmas and it occurred once every couple weeks. With the trust I have now I say we could probably multiply that by two. She also claims she felt pressure to keep the good shifts and wanted to keep him on her good side. I am pretty sure during our initial blowout argument it was established that there was full on sex but I base that on the things she didn't deny when I was screaming all the thoughts that were swimming through my head. This morning she claims there was just kissing, hugging and oral sex...I know cheating is cheating but to me this makes a bit of difference if true. Problem is I don't believe, I only want to believe. I have told her there is no hope for recovery but she says she can't accept that and we will do marriage counselling and work everything out. Between myself and this forum I wish I could get over this and be happy one big happy family. I don't come from a broken home and she does. I think she has daddy issues too, I don't think her dad was there enough for her. The thought of separation is tough. Together we have a pretty nice house and live in a nice neighbourhood. Apart we will struggle financially and the kids will suffer for it.

 

Am I not good enough sexually? My confidence is crushed! She tells me I am amazing in bed but its not often she is in the mood for it. For all I know she could be getting it from 5 different people! I don't know what to believe! I dont see why there would be no attraction from her. I am a very athletic person, have a six pack and have had people tell me I look like Matt Damon or Brad Pitt, lol. I know this sounds egotistical but I am only trying to illustrate a point. I haver had women make advances at me but through all of this I have never done anything. If I continued this relationship would it be good for me to go out and cheat back? I really need advice and I have much more to say but I also have anew job that I better not lose....bye for now and thanks for input and listening.

[JustJoe]

Dude, your wife is a serial cheater, and will continue to do this as long as you are married. You will NEVER be able to trust her out of your sight, and she will always be crawling back with some new excuse as to why she cheated. Even though it will be hard financially, you should kick her out now, while you are still young enough to find happiness with a truly good woman. Your kids will benefit by having a happy father, instead of a depressed one and a cheating mom.

[chimera24]

Thanks guys, it's not really the answer I want to hear right now but I am looking for honest answers. I want to give it a couple of weeks to let the initial wave of pain subside so I can think more rationally. My kids are everything to me and I really want to do what's best for them.

 

She wants to seek counselling. Should I go? Is it only appropriate to go once you have decided you want to re-build? Can the councellor help to make the decision between divorce and staying together? I know it doesn't seem like it but she can be a very sweet person. I am really afraid if the change.

 

If she makes sexual advances at me I imagine I must refuse right?

[Fight4Me]

I tend to be an optimist and believe anyone can change if they really want to and are motivated. There's nothing wrong with doing what you can to save your marriage, and if she wants to go to counseling, I don't think you have anything to lose. However, you also need to protect yourself.

 

You will need to get tough and set down some conditions for reconciliation, so she can no longer take advantage of your forgiving spirit. While you have gotten used to living on a higher income, she needs to quit both her jobs. I don't see any other way around this one. She needs to sit down and write a short, unemotional No Contact letter to her affair partner. I think you are right to suspect they had intercourse, and that there may be more partners. You both need to be tested for STD's before you have unprotected sex again.

 

I strongly urge you to inform the OM's BW. She deserves to know, and this will help get rid of the OM by dragging the dark lies into the light of day. Do not tell your WW you are going to do this. It will give both of them a chance to concoct a story. This BW may also have more information for you (chances are, she already knows something isn't right).

 

Consult with a lawyer and know your rights.

 

Make sure that the counselor you get is someone who specializes in infidelity or at least has a good deal of experience counseling couples affected by it.

 

Do not back down from your WW on getting the entire truth. Confront her lies head-on, and don't let her get away with them anymore. You might want to check out the book "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. Boundaries in Marriage is also a good one.

 

Keep us posted! We're here for you whatever you decide to do.

[Katerina]

First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Most affairs happen NOT because the betrayed spouse wasn't "good enough". Her choice to cheat was NOT your fault. She has issues that she didn't choose to solve properly.

Also, the reason she hasn't seemed to be interested in you could be her sense of guilt (that was my husband's explanation anyway).

[chimera24]

Thanks, she immediately quit the job that the infidelity was going on at so that is taken care of. I don't know the conversation she had with the boss but when you say ove you and miss you by text message how can it be so simple to break off? She says that was just playful talk and it was him who initialized it. It actually makes me sick to think that this guy was the aggressor and my wife eventually succumbed to his advances. Here is another factor...apprently he has some ties with not so upstanding citizens. My wife told me a story about this a long time ago. I don't know to what degree he is involved in illegally but I am not sure I want to put myself and family in danger by exposing his infidelity to his wife. I wish I would have taken his number down or better yet called him directly right when I found out. Maybe I could have seen if his and my wife's story matched when I confronted her. unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I snapped her cell in two during the argument.

 

I really appreciate the listening and advice.

I tend to be an optimist and believe anyone can change if they really want to and are motivated. There's nothing wrong with doing what you can to save your marriage, and if she wants to go to counseling, I don't think you have anything to lose. However, you also need to protect yourself.

 

You will need to get tough and set down some conditions for reconciliation, so she can no longer take advantage of your forgiving spirit. While you have gotten used to living on a higher income, she needs to quit both her jobs. I don't see any other way around this one. She needs to sit down and write a short, unemotional No Contact letter to her affair partner. I think you are right to suspect they had intercourse, and that there may be more partners. You both need to be tested for STD's before you have unprotected sex again.

 

I strongly urge you to inform the OM's BW. She deserves to know, and this will help get rid of the OM by dragging the dark lies into the light of day. Do not tell your WW you are going to do this. It will give both of them a chance to concoct a story. This BW may also have more information for you (chances are, she already knows something isn't right).

 

Consult with a lawyer and know your rights.

 

Make sure that the counselor you get is someone who specializes in infidelity or at least has a good deal of experience counseling couples affected by it.

 

Do not back down from your WW on getting the entire truth. Confront her lies head-on, and don't let her get away with them anymore. You might want to check out the book "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. Boundaries in Marriage is also a good one.

 

Keep us posted! We're here for you whatever you decide to do.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Reading your first post was tough for me, my friend. I feel for you and most of all for your children.

 

Speaking of your children, how old are they?

Clearly, whatever you decide to do should have their best interests in mind first and foremost - if anyone's innocent in all of this, it's them.

 

I agree with the poster above that you should both be screened for STDs today if possible. I also 110% agree that you should not engage in any revenge affair(s) to even the score - certainly you can't do that to your children if you are truthful when you claim they're the most important thing to you.

 

Ultimatley, you'll have to decide your answer to the question "should I stay, or should I inititate divorce?" That's such a tough call when children are involved (which is the reason why I asked about age). Even if your answer is "yes, I'm going to leave", then you'd have to deal with a number of logistical questions like timing, etc.

 

Have you and your wife ever done marital counseling before?

How remorseful does she seem, btw? From the look of it, she seems as frightened by divorce as you are (certainly from a financial perspective).

 

Here's another question to consider: if your kids were of legal age and moved out of the house, could you more easily answer whether you would stay or go?

Please share your thoughts on this.

[chimera24]

I am glad to hear from you since I just finished reading your thread. I see some similarities in our situation yet obviously some differences. For one my wife doesn't seem to be attached to this man but was more serving him. She is able to cut all ties immediately, similar to the last person. I don't know how she does it but when caught she kisses my butt for a while but once I relent with my anger she starts to seem to think the affair was both our faults. Like I didn't give enough attention or affection.

 

My children are 12 and 8. I see a separation being particularly hard on my 12 year old. He is an emotional boy who is transitioning to teen years. I think this could affect him quite a bit.

 

We did one session of marital counselling when we split up the first time. That situation was much different because she wanted to be with the other man and I was trying to repair things. I think by the end of it the counsellor didn't see any hope of reconciliation and we didn't return. In this case it will be me who doubts continuing this is a good idea.

 

To answer your question, she seems remorseful to an extent but I also get the feeling she is trying to instill calm in me by saying everything will be fine, we will work it out etc. She is also seemingly getting impatient with my many questions. Is it odd that I want to know every detail? What he said, she said, like i want to know his view on their relationship. How things would get initiated. I go back and forth between the mentality of how bright the future could be if we worked things out to how I will never forget about this and it will haunt me always.

 

You ask a very good question about if I would stay if the kids were out of the house. I think I would have to answer no but it's hard to say for sure. I think I would leave quickly before thinking about it much whereas because of my current situation I need to take things slower so as not to be traumatic for the kids.

 

I hope to hear more from you as I am sure you have great insight with all this being so fresh for you. I am glad to hear your recovery is going well and I wish you all the best.

Reading your first post was tough for me, my friend. I feel for you and most of all for your children.

 

Speaking of your children, how old are they?

Clearly, whatever you decide to do should have their best interests in mind first and foremost - if anyone's innocent in all of this, it's them.

 

I agree with the poster above that you should both be screened for STDs today if possible. I also 110% agree that you should not engage in any revenge affair(s) to even the score - certainly you can't do that to your children if you are truthful when you claim they're the most important thing to you.

 

Ultimatley, you'll have to decide your answer to the question "should I stay, or should I inititate divorce?" That's such a tough call when children are involved (which is the reason why I asked about age). Even if your answer is "yes, I'm going to leave", then you'd have to deal with a number of logistical questions like timing, etc.

 

Have you and your wife ever done marital counseling before?

How remorseful does she seem, btw? From the look of it, she seems as frightened by divorce as you are (certainly from a financial perspective).

 

Here's another question to consider: if your kids were of legal age and moved out of the house, could you more easily answer whether you would stay or go?

Please share your thoughts on this.

Edited May 4, 2010 by chimera24

[jmargel]

Ok.. the cheating she has done in the past and what she currently has done is not the main point of all of this. Though it's the thing that hurts you and your children the most.

 

The main point of this is that she has MAJOR personality faults that can only be cured by counseling that will probably have to follow her for the rest of her life. Think of it as a weed. These deep rooted issues of hers sprouts these leafs (the cheating and disrespect). Sure you can pull off a leaf or two and try to 'get over it' but it's only a matter of time before another one sprouts.

 

The only way to eliminate this weed is to get to the root of the issue and get this treated.

 

You can't be her counselor and husband. She needs a professional for that. However what you can do is to STOP tolerating her behavior, make her FACE consequences.

 

If she has daddy issues, then you are in a parent-child relationship. Punish her. Just like you would your teenage daughter. Thing is these types of marriages don't last however you were put into this situation.

 

Start making plans for yourself and your children. Keep her out of it. Keep a very big distance between you and her. Don't tell her you love her, don't give her anymore info that you know. Install keylogger on your computer, get her cell records, get anything you can do protect yourself. Get checked for STDs.

 

The foundation of your marriage is gone, there is no trust. At this point staying with her is only showing your children to tolerate an abusive spouse. You don't want your kids going through that.

 

Tell your wife it's mandatory that she goes to a counseling and that there is NO guarantee you will be coming back. Make her leave the house.

 

You need tough love here, you need self confidence. You need to put your respect for yourself and your children above your wife. Not only show confidence but live with it.

[chimera24]

Is there a way I can get past text logs on cell phones? Thanks for the advice, kicking her out is a tough one as I am really trying to hide that there is anything wrong from the children for now.

[Fight4Me]

Is there a way I can get past text logs on cell phones? Thanks for the advice, kicking her out is a tough one as I am really trying to hide that there is anything wrong from the children for now.

 

Go online to your cell phone provider and establish an online account. You can then set it up to view past and present phone logs, including text (although you won't be able to see the texts themselves).

 

By the way, I shielded my children from the sh*t storm. I also decided to confide in only one of my family members and a few select friends initially, until I knew for sure what was going to happen (would we reconcile or plan for divorce?). My gut told me we would end up working it out, and I didn't want to cause further anxiety in the kids, or have to do damage control with family members who have a hard time with forgiveness. His side of the family knew, though, as I insisted on it as one of my conditions for reconciliation.

 

When it was determined that we were going to go to counseling and work on reconciliation, we sat down with each child individually and explained that we were getting help with our marriage because sometimes even moms and dads don't do what they tell their children to do and over time it causes enough problems that they need someone else to intervene. Our oldest, who was 14 at the time, knew we were having problems since dad had become a completely different person during his A. He literally morphed into this really cruel and confusing creature. It was only 6 weeks, but wow, he did a lot of damage in that short period of time.

 

Sorry, I'm totally t/j about my saga. What I mean to say is that it's okay to limit the information you give your kids at this time. If you end up separating or divorcing, your counselor can help you with ways to talk to your kids about it. If you end up reconciling, you'll have avoided shaking up their future. If they come asking specific questions that seem to indicate they know what their mom is doing, then that's a different matter, though.

[JustJoe]

Chimera, Your wife is still lying to you and gaslighting you about the affair(s). She is not acting llike a truly remorseful person, who is willing to admit her wrongs and do whatever it takes to correct them. She is manipulating you just until you calm down, then she will do it again. You are fighting a losing battle here. Your kids are old enough to know that something is wrong, but young enough to get over a break-up, which is what you should do. I'm sorry but very, very , few serial cheaters ever truly end thier dishonest behavior.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Sigh... You're situation's rough.

 

I'll share what I'm thinking, for you to consider as food for thought.

In my mind I'm trying to balance two competing philosophies:

 

1. The well being of the children over rules my personal well being in my M; &

 

2. My personal well being is worth as much as the kids' and/or my personal well being is necessary for my kids' well being.

 

If in your opinion your wife is a good mother to your children, I believe you owe it to your children to take a hardcore effort to diagnose the serial cheating and attempt to either fix it, or hold it off until the kids are of age.

 

I came from a broken home, as did my older and younger brothers. The split had it's impact on the 3 of us in very different ways. My older and younger brothers lived with my Mom & me with my Dad.

 

My older brother (16 at the time) rebelled when Dad was out of the picture, got mixed up in a bad crowd and became addicted to meth for a few years. My Dad eventually found out & helped him get clean.

 

Living with my depressed father around age 14 I learned to "over function" as a result of picking up the slack and basically running a house by myself. I cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, went to school and worked. If you saw my thread then no doubt you can see the type of woman an uncounseled over functioning type attracts - narssistic personalities. I'm aware now, so I'll be fine.

 

My younger brother (10 at the time) was over Mommy'd and as a result is now 23, has little ambition in life and lives with my mother with his hand out.

 

The reason I share this is to illustrate that divorcing has a profound impact on the current direction of childrens' lives. Again, they're the innocents here, therefore in my view, what's best for them trumps what's best for you personally - even if it means reconcilling with a serial cheater only long enough until the likely next cheating episode. If she's a good mother to her kids, I support this sentiment a bit more.

 

I've seen compelling arguments for and against Mom & Dad sticking it out for the kids and I personally believe staying for the kids is generally the correct option IF the two parents really are doing their damndest to improve the marriage relationship...

 

The problem is, you can't control her; nobody can but her...

 

As you saw from my post, i don't have any children so I'm limited in first hand experience; however I try to be objective.

 

I'll offer another story as food for thought:

My father divorced my Mom after she had more than one affair and he couldn't take it anymore.

 

We, the kids, were split between States. I stayed on the west coast, my Mom and brothers moved to the east.

 

To this day my mother is guilty for what she did and how it broke up the family. She wasn't resentful, at first, and didn't want to do counseling.

 

Contrasting my past mother and your present wife - you have a W actually willing (perhaps it's a front right now) to look at her issues in the mirror. Maybe something can be done, maybe it can't, however you can potentially save your family all sorts of future BS problems by taking a look.

 

How serious she'll actually be is a completely different story.

 

Man I feel for you on this one... 10 years is a ling time to "fake it till you make it".

 

Regarding the images of her with another man, I doubt there's any shaking those thoughts. I think that if you guys do chose to attempt reconcilliation you'd do well not to bring those thoughts up. I mean way down the road; obviously you'd discuss in counselling.

 

I don't feel it's appropriate for me to say, you should definitley do X; instead I'm just offering what little I know about the subject as things you should think about.

 

I wish you luck.

[Hopefullyjaded]

You can contact the cell company and ask them to mail you copies of all the text messages you want. A friend of mine had her cell company do that when she discovered her H was cheating.

 

I also wanted to address the question you asked about it being strange that you want to know every detail. I do not think it is. I discovered my H's affair 7 months ago and I still have questions on occasion. I think it's normal. It is haunting information. I do not like the things he has to say but what I imagine is usually much worse.

 

As for your question about what you were lacking that she sought another man:

You are not the reason for her affair. You could not have done anything to stop her. She chose to do this not you. My H says he did it because he wanted to mentally escape from the responsibility of our family,etc. (For the record I was a very good wife to him. I not only went above and beyond on our division of responsibilities but I worked hard to remain attractive-exercising eating well, I was a good mom to our children, I used to use his car on occasion and leave him treats and nice notes when I was done, I bought him gifts, baked treats for him, tried to help him by tailoring the entire family's schedule around his, encouraged him in his work I truly could not have done more- believe me I was trying. I thought he was acting so odd b/c he was dealing with some sort of internal crisis). When a person chooses to cheat it is all about them, not the people they are cheating on.

 

I am trying hard to get past it but when somebody cashes in all their chips there is not really room for any other errors. This makes living day to day very difficult. I am giving my H a year (since the affair was discovered) to prove himself. He is trying hard but I am not sure that it will be enough. We also have children, which is why he has been given this opportunity. I hope things go well for you and your family.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. First of all, you now both need to be tested for STD's. She clearly has a history of cheating and she seems to have no problem of lying to you as well. My guess is that you have not known the full truth and it is probably just the touch of the iceberg. If you had not caught her she would still be having sex with this guy behind your back. Her comment that she did not want to lose the good shift times is pathetic. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for and your relationship.

Your comment that she has a bubbly personality and is flirtatious indicates that you have been enabling this behavior by simply brushing it off in the past. The bottom line is that she has been playing you for a complete fool and has no respect for you. She is now in damage control. I guarantee you if you ask her to take a polygraph you will get more of the truth. I feel very sorry for you in that clearly she had no intention of stopping this until she got caught. I think you would have wonder if she has had other affairs that you do not know of. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes. If you do not respect yourself then who will since she clearly does not. I think you need to see how things really are and not the way you wish them to be.

[Steadfast]

Because you're a loving father and husband, you are now experiencing doubt and are considering sacrificing your feelings and happiness for the 'good' of your family. Commendable, but flawed. Your 'cooling down' statement was a red flag; it is clear to me that at some level, you have grown accustomed to abuse for the sake of doing what's 'right'.

 

If you continue, you will not only have lost the respect of your wife, but your children as well. It is time to set the example and stop allowing her to walk all over you, and your family. Stop it. Tell her that from now on, what she does and who she does it with is her business and the same holds true for you. As of now, that is simply an emotional statement based on your need to heal, but after the divorce is final, it will be legally binding.

 

Keep your anger in check, but certainly keep it. You need to be angry. You should be. Use it to power yourself out of the deception and lies, and towards something better.

 

Stay strong, stay loving and try to forgive as soon as you can. That's when you'll begin to feel alive again.

[jnj express]

Hey C----When did Oral sex not become sex----she had sex, if she gave him Oral.--

 

Follow the advice you are getting here---it is on point. You need to do a very hard 180, that includes no lovey--dovey. Do not let this get slid under the rug. She has cheated on you 3 times in 4 yrs. She has problems, and they need to be fixed.

 

The other thing you are doing is soft-pedaling this whole deal by using the kids as a reason not to deal with these problems full out. She is cheating on you, and she will continue. Yes right now she is doing what she needs to do to pacify you, but once this all settles down, in a year or so, she will find a reason to seek out another guy, she does it regularly why should she change.

 

Taking a job in a bar, was to put herself in harms way every night. How do you really know that she didn't have sex with many men repeatedly---you never kept close tabs on her. I have numerous friends who had jobs as bartenders, the minute they got engaged, those jobs ended then and there.

 

Back to your children----your kids are much better off in happy, or at least contented split homes, than in a home where there is no trust, you are always looking over your shoulder, and she is always on edge, and trying to figure out how to get out and be with other men. Kids are resilient, they adapt and adjust. You can spin this anyway you want, but you are using your kids as an excuse for not doing what you should have done long ago.

[on1wheel]

Run, run, run!!! I am 2.5 yrs out from my W's affair & I still suffer daily.

I stayed for my 19 mth old baby. My W had no way of supporting her alone. If you stay you will find out she has been having sex for years...not just oral either.

A woman that will blow a guy will screw him as well.

It's ur call, but she's been cheating for years so she probably is very good @ hiding it B4; will be better now.

Good luck my friend.

[bananalaffytaffy]

And who was at home taking care of the children while she was working these two jobs to have money "for the house"? I am all for women having their own money and freedom, but she is showing you by her actions that her priority is not her children, and it's certainly not you either. Her priority is her.

 

It's commendable that she's quit the job. But it isn't enough. If you wish to save your marriage, she has to prove that she is willing to change. While I don't hold out much hope for a serial cheater, I do understand your desire to keep your family intact. However, she needs to know that it is not the only option on the table. She needs to know that there are consequences for her actions.

 

If you want to try MC before you call it quits, that's great. But she must be in IC also.

[chimera24]

Hello, are you still with your W? I only assume yes if you still suffer daily. I guess you regret staying?

Run, run, run!!! I am 2.5 yrs out from my W's affair & I still suffer daily.

I stayed for my 19 mth old baby. My W had no way of supporting her alone. If you stay you will find out she has been having sex for years...not just oral either.

A woman that will blow a guy will screw him as well.

It's ur call, but she's been cheating for years so she probably is very good @ hiding it B4; will be better now.

Good luck my friend.

[chimera24]

Thanks again for all the support. I can see the majority of people thinks I should just end it. It just doesn't seem so simple to me, although I will admit I am very weak right now. Last night was horrible, I didn't see much reason to go on. I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have my children. I left her a note spouting the pain i was feeling and that she broke our home when all I wanted to do was grow old with her. She worked the late shift of her primary job and got home around 11pm. Looking at the note this morning she started to write a reply and stopped after a couple of words. After coming home she came in the bed and cuddled up to me gently with my back turned. I pushed her away but she came back 10 minutes later and I just let her. This morning I asked her what made her turn to a 48 year old man, I just found it gross. I asked her if she found him attractive and if she is attracted to older men. She said not usually but in this case it was more a need for attention and affection. I really think she thinks sex is something completely separated from love. We never really seemed to have that "deeply in love" kind of sex. She said it bothered her that when she was working I was enjoying the home life with the married neighbours for example, having a drink with them and socializing. I was bored in the evening sometimes and again she truly seemed to enjoy the busy life. I really got the sense she was not made to be at home and I thought she just had more of a workaholic personality and due to how much pleasure I took into raising these kids, I let it go because I enjoyed making what I felt were the best decisions for my kids. I know she loves them but she isn't into really putting in the time that I do to keep them content such as the sports, the summer camps, driving them around.

 

I told her this morning that if there is counselling it will be her first and only when and if you and your counsellor think it might be time to try and repair things then I would attend. But that also this does not guarantee that we would be getting back together. I got the sense that she wanted to start straight into the marriage counselling like figuring out what is wrong with the marriage that drives her to do these things. I see signs of deflecting a portion of the blame. She says obviously she should ahve never done what she did.

 

Such a tough decision, I want to think she can be the wife I thought she now was. She wants to make this work so badly she claims but why? She should be able to see she would be happier if we were apart. Or is she truly separating the love from the sex? I can see that but I just don't get how someone can do that!! I cant believe anything she says so the truth could be so much worse than the one I am getting (as if it isn't bad enough). I am so confused because I want so badly for things to just go back to normal

Edited May 5, 2010 by chimera24

[jnj express]

Things will NEVER go back to normal, that is just a fact of life involving A's.

[seibert253]

Dude, your wife is a serial cheater, and will continue to do this as long as you are married. You will NEVER be able to trust her out of your sight, and she will always be crawling back with some new excuse as to why she cheated. Even though it will be hard financially, you should kick her out now, while you are still young enough to find happiness with a truly good woman. Your kids will benefit by having a happy father, instead of a depressed one and a cheating mom.

 

 

Have to agree with Joe on this one. My norm is to say try to make it work, but you've already done that before, now look where are.

 

She's NEVER going to change, Ray Charles can see that.

 

IMO you need to contact an attorney and protect you and your children.

[lostsunsets]

Chimera, she is a serial cheater. She has cheated, does cheat, and will cheat again. She does not have the boundaries on herself that you and a marriage require. You and the children need out of this situation. You and them will start to mend when she is gone. It would be one thing if you were not attentive to her. Or if you denied her affection. But it is obvious that she is bored having sex with you (not saying you are at fault). She likes the excitement of new sexual relationship. The other sign is her inattentiveness as a mother. You need to kick her out.

Edited May 6, 2010 by lostsunsets

[Darth Vader]

Chimera, she is a serial cheater. She has cheated, does cheat, and will cheat again. She does not have the boundaries on herself that you and a marriage require. You and the children need out of this situation. You and them will start to mend when she is gone. It would be one thing if you were not attentive to her. Or if you denied her affection. But it is obvious that she is bored having sex with you (not saying you are at fault). She likes the excitement of new sexual relationship. The other sign is her inattentiveness as a mother. You need to kick her out.

 

 

I Agree with this post! She's a Cake Eater!

 

I'm going to put it to you straight my man Chimera, no fluff. I really don't care what anyone thinks, not even the Mods. I say it with no offense to you but, to help you lose her. Because you seem like a nice good guy that really needs the help.

 

YOUR WIFE IS FULL OF S H I T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Drop her sorry ASS NOW!

 

Something wrong with her head she said!? She's blowing smoke, well more than that! She doesn't love you, at all! She's never suffered any consequences for her actions, EVER!

 

Don't you dare allow her to blame shift her cheating onto you or someone or something else, this is ALL HER FAULT!

 

I suggest that you protect your finances, your house, cars, get custody of your children. BTW, she's cheating on your children as well. Are you sure that they are your children?

Edited May 9, 2010 by Darth Vader