tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I suppose we need to define Sex Addict. No, he doesn't masturbate through a hole in his pocket...he doesn't cheat on me (to my knowledge) or any of that. He is merely OBSESSED with the idea of sleeping with other people. Men, women, they are all viable holes for him to stick his c*ck into. He just thinks about it constantly and wants me to share in his desire to screw anyone and everyone and all at once. He used to get depressed...I am pretty sure he still does...he used to try to manipulate my emotions by convincing me that there was something wrong with me for not be willing to sleep with other people for him. It nearly ruined our relationship, and in the end, I had an emotional affair. But I digress. Define Sex addict.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I suppose we need to define Sex Addict. No, he doesn't masturbate through a hole in his pocket...he doesn't cheat on me (to my knowledge) or any of that. He is merely OBSESSED with the idea of sleeping with other people. Men, women, they are all viable holes for him to stick his c*ck into. He just thinks about it constantly and wants me to share in his desire to screw anyone and everyone and all at once. He used to get depressed...I am pretty sure he still does...he used to try to manipulate my emotions by convincing me that there was something wrong with me for not be willing to sleep with other people for him. It nearly ruined our relationship, and in the end, I had an emotional affair. But I digress. Define Sex addict. Honey, I think you just defined sex addict. Most of them are looking for satisfaction and perceived satisfaction by using erotica and sex to blunt their own feelings. The tone of most of SOM's posts reek of at least a low-level depression. I would start by reading Out of the Shadows to see if any of the characteristics accurately fit SOM. I would about look into any local SA chapters through sa.org. I would also recommend checking out S-anon chapters or COSA. It was very hard at first to see that I needed to be there. Again I am betting that there was some turbulence in childhood. It would be nice if when you could PM me that you do so. There are others on this forum that also have husbands/SO with the same problem. I am not a counselor, so I can't say for certain but it does sound like he has trouble with the sex/bonding are in his life. He may not view it as a problem but seriously so many of these guys are willing to give up a real relationship to pursue the unquechable unreality of constant sex. He will only acheive temporary satisfaction with that type of lifestyle. He is using sex/porn to self-regulate. Good luck, I am not able to be on here all of the time, but I typically check the active threads daily. You can also post on dreamingoftigers coping log for any other qs you have.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I suppose we need to define Sex Addict. No, he doesn't masturbate through a hole in his pocket...he doesn't cheat on me (to my knowledge) or any of that. He is merely OBSESSED with the idea of sleeping with other people. Men, women, they are all viable holes for him to stick his c*ck into. He just thinks about it constantly and wants me to share in his desire to screw anyone and everyone and all at once. He used to get depressed...I am pretty sure he still does...he used to try to manipulate my emotions by convincing me that there was something wrong with me for not be willing to sleep with other people for him. It nearly ruined our relationship, and in the end, I had an emotional affair. But I digress. Define Sex addict. By the way it is VERY common for men with sex addiction to try to manipulate their partner into acts that they are not comfortable with doing.
xxoo Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I suppose we need to define Sex Addict. No, he doesn't masturbate through a hole in his pocket...he doesn't cheat on me (to my knowledge) or any of that. He is merely OBSESSED with the idea of sleeping with other people. Men, women, they are all viable holes for him to stick his c*ck into. He just thinks about it constantly and wants me to share in his desire to screw anyone and everyone and all at once. He used to get depressed...I am pretty sure he still does...he used to try to manipulate my emotions by convincing me that there was something wrong with me for not be willing to sleep with other people for him. It nearly ruined our relationship, and in the end, I had an emotional affair. But I digress. Define Sex addict. tu and SOM, if depression is also manifesting, is there a possibility of bipolar disorder? That is marked by manic periods, in which hypersexuality is common, and depressive periods. I'm not sure how important the labels are at this point--and less confident that people on a message board could determine the correct labels. But obsessive thoughts that stand in the way of life and relationships (for example, living peacefully with the woman you love) is a pretty clear sign that you need some help. SOM, I urge you to speak to a professional mental health care provider. You may learn that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are just in the wrong relationship. Or you may learn that there is indeed an issue, and find a path to a more peaceful, satisfying future--with tu or otherwise.
You Go Girl Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sex addict, or addicted to sex, or obsessed with sex, or whatever area inbetween, there is one good thing going for SOM. At least he's honest and not sneaking around. Here's what i'll never understand about the desire to be in an open-relationship. If there's a promise and detachment from the partners as to emotional attachment--then what's the point? Why even have other people? They are sexual receptors at this level. Your SO fulfills that need and the emotional need too, so why? Strange sex? The other women would behave differently? Ok, I get that...but...how important can that be in someone's life? That I don't get. A desire to consume a body that looks different? I can't get past the thought that that is simply eating a meal without any appreciation of the effort that went into cooking it. I guess that's how it is...like going out to a restaurant instead of eating at home. But it's shallow, no? I look at the big picture in life--my gawd there are people dying, people going to war, people starving, horrible things happening all over the planet, and I think to myself--if I have someone I love and loves me, why push? I would feel so lucky just to have that person...wanting more, some insatiable desire, is not only playing with fire, but not appreciating the person I have, when I could have no one, or have many without love, or be in a horrible relationship. Why can't some people appreciate the good fortune that has come their way and appreciate it at a deep enough level that they turn a blind eye to all others? I guess I'm rambling. SOM thinks differently.
Author shadowofman Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Would it make anyone feel better if I admit that I'm a SA. Ok. I'm a SA. Bottom line is that I've committed myself to monogamy. Maybe I shouldn't have from the start, but I did. I can't say that I regret it. Domestic problems with Tu and I are on a completely different level right now. I am not pushing for open relationships. I am not pushing for kinky sex. I am not even watching porn. Depression and mistrust are our issues right now. I seem to be becoming desensitized to the issues. Not really interested in building trust at the moment. Just interested in getting by without making mistakes. Which I did last night by staying out way too late. Willing to bet his childhood was either odd or that there was a disruption of care with his biological parents in the first 18 months. That is practically a recipe for sex and bonding issues. There is help for this. From the way he speaks I would guess that he would never be truly sexually satisfied and that he would always want more. Don't know about disruption, but my father had very similar SA. When my mother told me that I was doing the same things he did, I realized I was not acting right. I stopped. If he would like to open the door to this, I would throw myself into it, whole-heartedly. But, sadly, if this came from me, all it would do would serve to further encourage him that I'm out to take away his freedom. I've already invaded his territory by joining LS.... I love the fact that you are posting here. Wish you would have started doing it years ago. What door are you talking about? What do I need to change about myself? Now, that being said... In reading SOM's threads, I was under the assumption he was polyamorous, not SA. Maybe I thought that because maybe he WANTS us to think that. Maybe HE wants to think that. But others are here with more experience with SA, so I think it would be something worth checking out. Not polyamorous. I do not prefer to love multiple people and I do not prefer that my SO do so either. Makes the relationship less significant. This is my irrational problem with polyamory. I'm getting over this however. The definition of love has changed for me in the past couple months. He is merely OBSESSED with the idea of sleeping with other people. He used to get depressed...I am pretty sure he still does...he used to try to manipulate my emotions by convincing me that there was something wrong with me for not be willing to sleep with other people for him. It nearly ruined our relationship, and in the end, I had an emotional affair. But I digress. Define Sex addict. Was. Not anymore. Sure, I come on this forum and talk about it. But I am not attempting to create a promiscuous situation. I am not obsessed with it. If I am depressed now, it is for entirely different reasons. tu and SOM, if depression is also manifesting, is there a possibility of bipolar disorder? That is marked by manic periods, in which hypersexuality is common, and depressive periods. I'm not sure how important the labels are at this point--and less confident that people on a message board could determine the correct labels. But obsessive thoughts that stand in the way of life and relationships (for example, living peacefully with the woman you love) is a pretty clear sign that you need some help. SOM, I urge you to speak to a professional mental health care provider. You may learn that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are just in the wrong relationship. Or you may learn that there is indeed an issue, and find a path to a more peaceful, satisfying future--with tu or otherwise. bi polar...hmm. I would say that I have bipolar disorder. I go through periods of depression sure. Tu is very depressed. Having other health issues. Doctors are working with her (sort of). And Thanks YGG. I do think differently. If there's a promise and detachment from the partners as to emotional attachment--then what's the point? Why even have other people? They are sexual receptors at this level. Your SO fulfills that need and the emotional need too, so why? Millions of relationships struggle with "spicing up the bedroom". My mind tells me that variety is the spice of life. It directly breaks monotony which is exactly what monogamy can become. Emotional detachment from said extra-sex is an irrational effort to keep the first relationship special. Otherwise there is nothing special about the relationship. Many people would have the opposite irrational response. You can be completely open to multiple emotional attachments, but physical action is what makes a relationship special. I'm beginning to think that the ultimate truth is that there is nothing special about a relationship at all. We just enter them and agree to act certain ways for the benefit of a title. If there's a promise and detachment from the partners as to emotional attachment--then what's the point? Why even have other people? They are sexual receptors at this level. Your SO fulfills that need and the emotional need too, so why? Sure it's shallow. I enjoy lots of shallow things. Tu has about 100 pairs of shoes in the closet. Same thing. I would feel so lucky just to have that person...wanting more, some insatiable desire, is not only playing with fire, but not appreciating the person I have, when I could have no one, or have many without love, or be in a horrible relationship. Thats why I chose not to leave Tu for shallow sex. I attempted to have both, but I failed to convince. So I don't try to convince anymore. Why can't some people appreciate the good fortune that has come their way and appreciate it at a deep enough level that they turn a blind eye to all others? How is it possible to turn a blind eye to others? If we are just talking about looking. Maybe even fantasy. I'm certainly not talking about promiscuity. I can not have sex with them, but not look or want to have sex with them. Impossible. I want to have sex with every single attractive person I see. That's the definition of attractive. Could anyone say that their SO is the only attractive person in the world?
jmargel Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sure it's shallow. I enjoy lots of shallow things. Tu has about 100 pairs of shoes in the closet. Same thing. It's not. Because her having shoes is not causing an insecurity in the relationship like what you are doing. Millions of relationships struggle with "spicing up the bedroom". My mind tells me that variety is the spice of life. It directly breaks monotony which is exactly what monogamy can become. Emotional detachment from said extra-sex is an irrational effort to keep the first relationship special. Otherwise there is nothing special about the relationship. That is an excuse for your behavior. Montony only comes about when you lose interest in something/someone. However it is not the other person's responsibility to keep you interested. Just like it's not her responsibility to keep you happy. With maturity you learn how to deal with this, such as when you were 5 years old you wanted a toy everytime your mom took you to the store. You have grown now and can now enter that store without having to buy one everytime you step into the place. What creates a good relationship among the communication is the bond. It's to keep the friendship, to keep the weekly dates going even though you live together. It's to explore what you are both interested in, together. For us to find other people attractive is normal. We are humans. We can have attachments to multiple people, however to form a long-lasting meaningful relationship there needs to be a bond which is often equated to monogamy. Monogamy is the physical proof we give to each other on a daily/weekly basis that the bond and love still exists.
Author shadowofman Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 It's not. Because her having shoes is not causing an insecurity in the relationship like what you are doing. I'm not speaking in the context of a relationship. I am speaking as an individual that enjoys meaningless sex. I am fully aware of the complications of being shallow and being in a relationship. But you might call a single man shallow as well. And that's ok. You are correct that her shoes do not case insecurity in the relationship.
xxoo Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm beginning to think that the ultimate truth is that there is nothing special about a relationship at all. We just enter them and agree to act certain ways for the benefit of a title. Change of perspective--look at some really long married couples. Couples that have been together for 50, 60 years. What is a relationship about? Is it special? Ask them. They know. How is it possible to turn a blind eye to others? If we are just talking about looking. Maybe even fantasy. I'm certainly not talking about promiscuity. I can not have sex with them, but not look or want to have sex with them. Impossible. I want to have sex with every single attractive person I see. That's the definition of attractive. Could anyone say that their SO is the only attractive person in the world? Passing thought? Or obsessive thought? One is normal. The other is not.
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm beginning to think that the ultimate truth is that there is nothing special about a relationship at all. We just enter them and agree to act certain ways for the benefit of a title. Um...ouch?
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 SOM, I did not make my suggestions to you or Tu to try to throw a label on you, I merely wanted to suggest the literature I did so that you both could make the decision whether or not this was an issue for you. If you truly found your life to be satisfying one way or the other that would be fine. But if you happen to be SA then it is a very isolating experience where you would have some trouble bonding with others, including your SO in a full and satisfying way. You may not even realize it if you have been SA since your teenage years. My husband has only recently noticed that his behaviour is due to a lot of lonliness and reaching out in an inappropriate way. SA isn't just about the way you act, it is about how your brain functions to permit you to act the way you do. thesexaddictedbrain.com has some very nice blog articles by a doctor who works with Patrick Carnes, the leading expert on sex addiction. It also talks about the neurological effects of erotica etc. Relationships are special, there are certain imabalances, brain functions and behaviours that can inhibit us from feeling that way. SA is one of them that is why I encourage you to look a little further to see if you might be so that you can honestly evaluate whether or not that is something you wish to address in your life or relationship. Odds are if you are SA your SO may have different issues as well. I wish you both luck.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Personally I don't think anyone should be bashing you on here for looking for help and expressing your feelings. I can see that you have been frustrated in your relationship because of conflicting feelings of not understanding your SO's needs and her not understanding your sexual,um, shall we say... diversity. This is the place to come for that.
Author shadowofman Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Believe me. Calling me a SA does not hurt my feelings. I fully take on the title. I enjoy being a SA (if that is what it is), but I will do my best to make sure that my actions do not cross my Tu's boundaries. I'm not going to stop talking about these things though. It's all apart of me and if Tu finds these parts of me unattractive, then she needs to reevaluate what kind of love she has for me.
Author shadowofman Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 SA is not exactly the correct term. I think pervert is better.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 SA is not exactly the correct term. I think pervert is better. Maybe you are a sex-addicted pervert? Give the book a shot before running into the woods with an orgy of strange folk
Author shadowofman Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 before running into the woods with an orgy of strange folk Not going to happen. haha. Way to picky to just join a group of perverts.
Owl Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Believe me. Calling me a SA does not hurt my feelings. I fully take on the title. I enjoy being a SA (if that is what it is), but I will do my best to make sure that my actions do not cross my Tu's boundaries. I'm not going to stop talking about these things though. It's all apart of me and if Tu finds these parts of me unattractive, then she needs to reevaluate what kind of love she has for me. I truly hope that Tuq read that last part fully and completely. It's very, very telling. It says that you are who you are, and that you're not going to change. It says that if she doesn't like that, she should move on. I happen to agree. If she doesn't like it, and can't accept it in her life, she should remove you from her life. The only real 'issue' here is that I don't believe that this was clearly spelled out at the BEGINNING of the relationship...or most likely it wasn't spelled out nearly this clearly then. But, given this information....what do you intend to do with it, Tuq?
tuquoque Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Currently confused. My SO tells me that my bestfriend loves me more than he does. Better yet, my SO tells my bestfriend this as well. This is off subject from the original topic, but somehow seems relevent. Hurtful to hear from the one you love...that they think someone else loves you more. Would such a thing be said simply to hurt? Or perhaps my SO wants to be out of this relationship and does not know how to do it? Is he trying to push me away? Does he not realize that saying such things are hurtful to me? I don't want my bestfriend to love me more than my partner, and worse yet, I don't want my partner to say that he loves me less than someone else.
You Go Girl Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Currently confused. My SO tells me that my bestfriend loves me more than he does. Better yet, my SO tells my bestfriend this as well. This is off subject from the original topic, but somehow seems relevent. Hurtful to hear from the one you love...that they think someone else loves you more. Would such a thing be said simply to hurt? Or perhaps my SO wants to be out of this relationship and does not know how to do it? Is he trying to push me away? Does he not realize that saying such things are hurtful to me? I don't want my bestfriend to love me more than my partner, and worse yet, I don't want my partner to say that he loves me less than someone else. ouch. SOM, are you becoming rather passive-agressive over this whole thing? WTF did you mean by that? (runs over to som and slaps him) Hey, it's just a virtual slap. lol
tuquoque Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I tried to take it in stride and/or ignore it when it was said to me. It hurt me, to be sure, but I left it alone. I'm only now finding out that he said it to the bestfriend as well. I don't know that he said it with the intention to hurt me, but then again, my short-term memory is complete sh*t these days...so who knows...
xxoo Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Maybe he is being honest (to you, and to himself) about the limitations of his love. Actions, not feelings. Maybe he is saying you deserve more than he can give. As objectively as you can consider, does your best friend treats you with more love than he does?
Author shadowofman Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Update: So I delete the pictures and accept the fact that they bother Tu. Months go by and I haven't done anything wrong. Things have been calm and "normal" for months. Been so busy with school that I haven't even had time to speak to any of my friends. Then, a few days ago I find out that Tu has been sending pictures of herself naked to multiple men. So her morals are completely invalid. She is the definition of a hypocrite. I shouldn't have deleted those pics, but oh well. And to hell if I'm going to try so hard to be a "good" boy.
Art_Critic Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 So her morals are completely invalid. or payback is hell
Owl Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 What, specifically, are you angry about, Shadow? Have you sat down and tried to think through what you're feeling, and why? What is it that makes you mad/hurts about all of this? I'm NOT condoning her actions, by any means. Two wrongs don't make a right and all of that. But I'm curious if you've really worked through what it is that you're upset about, and why?
Author shadowofman Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 What I'm so angry about is the hypocrisy. I don't mind that she is sending other men her pictures. In fact, I think that more men should see them. She is beautiful. I believe her actions where completely innocent except for the fact that I am expected to live to a certain standard that she herself has been violating herself.
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