xxoo Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 She did. Ok. Then do you see how her real feelings make this hypothetical question insulting? If a wife feels that her husband having pics of another woman means that he doesn't love the wife, isn't it just the same irrational logic as a husband feeling unloved because his wife will not let him keep them? You didn't feel unloved by her action. She did feel unloved by yours. That's not irrational; it is her reality. If you felt unloved by her boundaries (for example, the having friends of opposite sex boundary....I'd feel terribly untrusted and unloved in that "prison", and couldn't accept it without compromising a huge part of who I am), you'd work toward a compromise you can both accept--or part ways.
Author shadowofman Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 Ok. Then do you see how her real feelings make this hypothetical question insulting? I can't find a hypothetical question insulting. You didn't feel unloved by her action. She did feel unloved by yours. That's not irrational; it is her reality. I have accepted this. If you felt unloved by her boundaries (for example, the having friends of opposite sex boundary....I'd feel terribly untrusted and unloved in that "prison", and couldn't accept it without compromising a huge part of who I am), you'd work toward a compromise you can both accept--or part ways. I am allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. She doesn't trust me with women that I would have sex with (in other words, women I find attractive). Especially the ex. Doesn't mean I will have sex with them. I'm just being honest, that if I were allowed, I would. How the hell is a man like me supposed to build trust?
xxoo Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I can't find a hypothetical question insulting. It isn't the questions so much as the timing. When she is actually feeling unloved, how is it helpful to compare it to hypothetical scenarios where you might also (but don't actually) feel unloved? Does it have to be all about you? I am allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. She doesn't trust me with women that I would have sex with (in other words, women I find attractive). Especially the ex. Doesn't mean I will have sex with them. I'm just being honest, that if I were allowed, I would. How the hell is a man like me supposed to build trust? Hmm...I'm in a monogamous relationship where we both feel comfortable with having and sharing attractions. To me, it does build trust to know my man's mind. But, I also know his boundaries. He may have that attraction, but I know that I know he won't act on it, because of x,y,&z (his boundaries). So we can share all that fantasy stuff in fun, and I still feel comfy with him meeting that person for lunch, or whatever (and vice versa). Have you shared your boundaries with her? Have you shared the personal reasons that you would not cheat on her with her? For me, it is helpful to know that the boundaries that keep my H faithful are his boundaries--and not my boundaries he is reluctantly choosing to adopt.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 From what I understand, he WOULD have sex with others if he were allowed to. Having sex with others when he's in a relationship is HIS boundaries. The only reason he doesn't is because he is respecting HER boundaries. Seems to me that they simply don't have the same values. I don't see how that can be sustainable. I see his GF in for a whole lot of distrust, worry, and hurt.
jenifer1972 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I can't find a hypothetical question insulting. I have accepted this. I am allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. She doesn't trust me with women that I would have sex with (in other words, women I find attractive). Especially the ex. Doesn't mean I will have sex with them. I'm just being honest, that if I were allowed, I would. How the hell is a man like me supposed to build trust? My husband and I both have pictures of our exes because they are woven into our lives, but no nude pics. The first is easy, the second is much harder because of the association with having sex. The more you love someone, the LESS you want to have the unpleasant thought of your beloved with the private part of him you love so much INSIDE ANOTHER WOMAN.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) How the hell is a man like me supposed to build trust? You find someone with the same values. Your GF values monogamy, you do not. Find someone interested in an open relationship, and be happy. You say you're "allowed" this, and not "allowed" that. She's not your mother or gate keeper, and shouldn't be made to feel like she has to be. A relationship is not the prison you are making it out to be. You both must be terribly unhappy. Edited May 9, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy
Author shadowofman Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 You find someone with the same values. Your GF values monogamy, you do not. Find someone interested in an open relationship, and be happy. I value monoamory and kinky sex. My level of kink is just higher. I am happy with my SO. And an open relationship is not my ideal. This thread is also not about me being happy or unhappy with my SO. It is about a specific conflict. You say you're "allowed" this, and not "allowed" that. She's not your mother or gate keeper, and shouldn't be made to feel like she has to be. A relationship is not the prison you are making it out to be. You both must be terribly unhappy. Actually, I think we are both pretty happy with the relationship. There are trust issues and that is all. I need to be able to get my point across, that even though I would be promiscuous, I will not. Thanks xxoo for helping me find my path. Also, even though I don't consider my SO my mother or gatekeeper, I think the allowance thing still applies.
Woman In Blue Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Again. I wish upon wish that she were interested in nude men. I wish she were interested in looking at nude women. I am interested in both nude men and women. I wish our sexual orientations were closer together and we didn't have the incompatibility. But because I love her, I am attempting to do my best to conform to her standards. So you're bisexual and have no sexual boundaries with regard to relationships - and then have the gall to say you're "attempting to conform to her standards?" Please. Find yourself another sexual deviant who thinks just like you and you won't have this problem. And I'm NOT referring to your bisexuality as "deviant." I'm referring to everything ELSE you constantly spew and the ridiculous expectations you put on other people to think like you. Since alot of people don't share your outlook, that's why I suggested finding another sexual deviant who does. You seem totally obsessed with sex. Maybe you should get some help for that.
Author shadowofman Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 I only seem like I'm obsessed because I'm on LS talking about it. I'm also obsessed with science, and video games, and movies, and more and more. So you're bisexual and have no sexual boundaries with regard to relationships - and then have the gall to say you're "attempting to conform to her standards?" I do have sexual boundaries. And IMO everyone is conforming to their partner's standards in a relationship. It's the definition of compromise. Maybe I speak poor English?
Author shadowofman Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 I'm referring to everything ELSE you constantly spew and the ridiculous expectations you put on other people to think like you. I don't expect other people to think like me. That would be nice, but I am merely reacting to other people expecting me to think like them. I state my opinions in a very "matter of fact" manner. My opinions are not facts however.
Owl Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 So what's YOUR plan to correct the inconsistencies in your expectations of a relationship and your significant other's??? That's what this all seems to boil down to. You don't agree on what is a reasonable expectation of boundaries and behaviors in your relationship. You clearly seem to resent the boundaries that she expects. There is no fix that we can provide, other than the obvious...find someone who SHARES your same expectations and boundaries. Or, POSSIBLY find some expectations that you can both WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree to. That latter doesn't sound very likely to me, in truth. Everything you describe makes it appear that your expectations are RADICALLY different. You can't possibly expect to build a long lasting, workable, HAPPY relationship out of a sitaution like that. Just doesn't make sense, my friend.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I think that many people's view on a relationship are radically different. SOM seems pretty dedicated to his SO despite his views. He also seems willing to work with her on the differences too. A lot of people want their cake and eat it too, but it really doesn't work that way with just about everyone. If SOM is willing to comprimise and so is his SO to maintain the emotional intimacy they have, what is wrong with that? They've been together 8 years and neither one seems to want to walk out on one another. SOM might have intimacy issues (sorry dude, but that is what it sounds like from over here) but many people do and if they are willing to try a few different things, there is a good chance their relationship can survive and be very fulfilling to both of them. She seems to want to reach out to him and hopefully that isn't too co-dependent.
Owl Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Dreaming, I have to slightly disagree with you, my friend. I think that most people tend to get involved with people with SIMILAR values/morals/goals/views/etc... That's often a big part of the attraction. I think that SOM has a bigger obstacle to overcome here than you (or he) might realize. Now, I'd agree...if they CAN find a compromise that they're both capable of happily accepting, that's AWESOME. I just don't find it likely when there is this big of a disconnect.
Author shadowofman Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 So what's YOUR plan to correct the inconsistencies in your expectations of a relationship and your significant other's??? Well, I entered into a monogamous relationship. Pressed for and tried other options. None of them worked and I'm still dealing with the problems that my attempts caused. I am now no longer pressing for alternatives to monogamy. I still make mistakes, like hanging onto nude pics, but I back off that too. I could call this quits and find someone that is more in line with my sexual orientations, but then I would regret forever walking away from the love of my life.
Owl Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I could call this quits and find someone that is more in line with my sexual orientations, but then I would regret forever walking away from the love of my life. That's good. Equally as important...don't make her regret her choice to be with you either.
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sadly, it feels as though we're going down a path that we've been down before and one that I have no want to tread again. My SO becomes increasingly obsessive in his desires and although it hurts me greatly that I can not comply with his sexual behaviors, the alternative is much worse. I can not compromise who I am in order to fulfill what I feel to be an unrealistic sexual expectation. I do not want multiple partners...I do not want MY partner to want multiple partners. It makes me sick to my stomach to think on it. (And not because I am naive or because I have any sort of moral objection...it's just not for ME. I want loyalty, first and foremost.) And although my SO may not be setting me up for orgies, etc etc, as he has in the past, his language on here, alone, speaks volumes for the way he is feeling towards our relationship and towards me. He is unhappy. He is unsatisfied....and ultimately this will manifest itself into something negative and ugly.
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 It is not my SO that makes me feel sick to my stomach...it is the things that he wants from me that make me feel sick. The idea of being physical with someone else...of using someone else just to get off. There is simply no appeal to the point of severe panic at the thought.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I am willing to place a heavy wager that your SO is SA. Please at least take a look at Out of the Shadows or Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. He has mentioned that he has hyper-sexuality and wishes that it would go away. That to me sent off alarm bells. 8 years isn't just something that you just throw away, please have a look at it and do not take any of this personally. Willing to bet his childhood was either odd or that there was a disruption of care with his biological parents in the first 18 months. That is practically a recipe for sex and bonding issues. There is help for this. From the way he speaks I would guess that he would never be truly sexually satisfied and that he would always want more.
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I am willing to place a heavy wager that your SO is SA. Please at least take a look at Out of the Shadows or Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. You'll have to help me on your terminology...I'm a little new to this.
xxoo Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I think SA is sex addict, tu. The whole situation sounds so painful for both of you
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (edited) Ah...I see. Yes, that is more than likely the case...but what do I do? Edited May 13, 2010 by tuquoque oops
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Dreaming of Tigers, You seem to have some experience on the matter? Not to pry into your personal life, but being able to hear from someone else on their actual experiences, would be more than just appreciated. I feel quite alone.
CrayonAngel Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 This sounds all to familiar...I would have to agree with dreaming. Look into this before you lose yourself to his addiction. It sounds like you've already started. I've felt the same way you are feeling right now and My H is now 7 months w/o masturbation or porn...along with all the other demons. He is a different/happier man without all that crap I hope you find the help you need.
tuquoque Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 That all sounds well and good, "getting help". However, it would have to involve equal amounts of effort from both parties, and I am almost 100% sure that SOM does not consider himself to have a problem. He considers himself to just be different...to have different preferences...a different outlook on life...however many godd*mn ways you want to phrase it. **shakes head** I resigned myself a long time ago. If he would like to open the door to this, I would throw myself into it, whole-heartedly. But, sadly, if this came from me, all it would do would serve to further encourage him that I'm out to take away his freedom. I've already invaded his territory by joining LS....
You Go Girl Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 That all sounds well and good, "getting help". However, it would have to involve equal amounts of effort from both parties, and I am almost 100% sure that SOM does not consider himself to have a problem. He considers himself to just be different...to have different preferences...a different outlook on life...however many godd*mn ways you want to phrase it. **shakes head** I resigned myself a long time ago. If he would like to open the door to this, I would throw myself into it, whole-heartedly. But, sadly, if this came from me, all it would do would serve to further encourage him that I'm out to take away his freedom. I've already invaded his territory by joining LS.... LS is for anyone, and everyone, who can find some help and understanding here, and that includes you! You are very welcomed here, by me, for starters.
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