SO found nude pic on my comp

[Art_Critic]

Would you show the picture to your kids ? to your Mom ?

 

If you are in a new or another relationship there is no reason to keep a naked picture.

 

Catlady.. you sound like someone who doesn't believe in NC to move on.. is that true ?

 

and by the way.. I'm not talking about keeping old photos of an ex or the things you did..

I'm talking about naked or sex pictures..

 

I have photo albums of my previous marriage..

all of those photo albums are in the ATTIC and not really easily accessible and ALL are able to be shown my kids one day..

I have no naked pictures of any ex's..

I respect my wife and child too much to have kept something like that, it would have hurt my wife..

Edited May 6, 2010 by Art_Critic

[You Go Girl]

Nude photos of ex's are just another boundary line--Jennie, you are the OW to a MM, I'd laugh to hear a MM complain in your situation. Of course he has an open mind about it.

For most people, perhaps not only avoiding some sappy reminiscing, is also a matter of respecting their current relationship.

 

I hope SOM and Toq return...it's their thread.

[jennie-jennie]

Nude photos of ex's are just another boundary line--Jennie, you are the OW to a MM, I'd laugh to hear a MM complain in your situation. Of course he has an open mind about it.

For most people, perhaps not only avoiding some sappy reminiscing, is also a matter of respecting their current relationship.

 

I hope SOM and Toq return...it's their thread.

 

I believe discussing whether it is okay or not to keep nude photos of exes is relevant to the original post and not a thread jack.

 

I asked my MM about it yesterday. His response was "Since I know you are a one-man-woman, it does not bother me." Those photos are from my first long term relationship. They did not bother my second SO (the father of my children) either, and he was no MM.

 

Meh, I don't see the allure in keeping photos of exes. I'd rather look forward than back.

I only keep pictures around of people I care about anyway.

 

I care about my exes. Not in the way I used to do, but I will still always care about them. I don't know, maybe it depends on if you have a tendency to regret old relationships or not. If you regret them, I could see how you would stop caring.

 

Would you show the picture to your kids ? to your Mom ?

 

If you are in a new or another relationship there is no reason to keep a naked picture.

 

Catlady.. you sound like someone who doesn't believe in NC to move on.. is that true ?

 

and by the way.. I'm not talking about keeping old photos of an ex or the things you did..

I'm talking about naked or sex pictures..

 

I have photo albums of my previous marriage..

all of those photo albums are in the ATTIC and not really easily accessible and ALL are able to be shown my kids one day..

I have no naked pictures of any ex's..

I respect my wife and child too much to have kept something like that, it would have hurt my wife..

 

My kids did come upon these photos one day. No biggy. Just showed them that their mother was once young and happy with another man than their dad. They already knew of his existence.

 

Also, I don't know where these photos are, they are somewhere. Perhaps I should go and look for them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Because I cherish the memories and the good times we had together.

 

I know my present SO values the sexual relationship I had with this particular ex because he knows it made me into the sexually pretty much uninhibited being I am, who in turn has affected him in a positive way to enjoy sex more fully. In fact he told me just the other day that he would not have wanted me to be without that past experience because he knows it has had a positive impact on our sex life today.

 

him being delighted that you are sexually experienced doesn't have anything to do with clinging to nude pictures of an X.

 

 

Just like SOM said, these photos do not turn me on. My object of sexual desire has changed.

 

then there is no reason to disrespect your current SO by clinging on to them and getting them out once in a while.

 

These exes are exes for a reason.

 

EXACTLY!! which is even more reason to get rid of them. Pics of X's and memories, events in your life, prom, etc. are one thing. Nude pics are completely another.

[Dexter Morgan]

But we are all products of our history. Why deny our past?

 

again, remembering your history is one thing. nude pics of an X which you like to get out and ogle once in a while is quite another.

 

apples/oranges

[shadowofman]

I literally see nothing wrong with having the pics other than it hurt my SO. I disposed of them because it hurt my SO, and despite what anyone thinks, I don't want to hurt my SO. Jennie has this similar thought pattern, we are not correct because no one is correct. That means that the rest of you are not correct either. You just think differently than we do.

 

In my mind, there is no difference between thinking of a nude ex, and having a pic, except that your current SO can see the image. If I could hard wire my mind to my SOs mind, she would probably be overloaded with memories that would disgust her. But could only apologize that they can't be deleted.

 

I on the other hand, would love to see her memories. I think I would love her even more if I got to see all she had done.

[Dexter Morgan]

Keeping photos or letters etc isn't miring yourself in the past.

 

so if a man of yours kept nude pics of his X's, and got them out to admire them from time to time, that would be totally ok with you, eh?

[Dexter Morgan]

Nude photos of ex's are just another boundary line--Jennie, you are the OW to a MM

 

ok, well this explains alot then

[Dexter Morgan]

I literally see nothing wrong with having the pics other than it hurt my SO.

 

so basically you are saying it is wrong/ridiculous of her to be hurt, especially since you wanted to come back at her with a counter complaint.

 

and if you really see nothing wrong, you wouldn't have gotten rid of them.

 

her being hurt and you feeling obligated to get rid of them when you see nothing wrong.....you would have to come to the conclusion that it is a control thing, especially since you wanted to convey a flippant response about freedom when she found them.

[xxoo]

FTR, I agree with SOM that the only problem with the photo is that his SO is bothered by it. Lots of people would be ok with old pictures. Why is that so difficult to accept?

 

and if you really see nothing wrong, you wouldn't have gotten rid of them..

 

That isn't nec true. People do small things all the time in relationships to honor the feelings of their SO.

 

The problems arise when people sacrifice things very important to them for their SO....compromising who they are for peace in the relationship. That tends to lead to bad feelings.

[heartmonster]

So just because the woman has insecurity issues that the guy can't be a 'guy'?

 

I mean honestly it's ridicilious. There are two people I know and when I go out if me OR her bf look at another chick she gets pissed. I'm like why are you getting pissed at me? Her answer 'It's because she's insecure and we should respect that'.

 

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that insecure. And the reality is, the more insecure a person is the more apt that THEY are the ones to cheat.

 

Being in a committed relationship shouldn't hinder your freedom. It's all about boundaries and respect towards each other.

 

 

Okay well,. That chick is just crazy,. I am bit insecure but I try my best not to show it. I dont mind if my SO watches porn or checks other girls out ,. but if it is a picture of his x ( which it was ) it is absolutely wrong,. I mean he was in love with her at some point and she is still trying to contact him. Of course it will bother me.

[Dexter Morgan]

The problems arise when people sacrifice things very important to them for their SO

 

we aren't talking about SOM sacrificing something very important to him. And if keeping nude pics of X's is very important to him, then that is just damn pathetic, and disrespectful to this or any other SO.

 

Its not like giving up Friday night poker with the guys.

[jennie-jennie]

ok, well this explains alot then

 

And why? I had those photos in my possesion for 30 years before my relationship with my MM.

[dreamingoftigers]

SOM--I do understand you. I know a man who thinks very much like you. You, are like the happy puppy in a room full of strangers. You don't want to just stay by the side of your owner and lick their mouth, you want to go around the room and lick everybody's mouth.

It's not malicious, deceitful, or even necessarily selfish. It could be this--

 

Think of your mind like a roadmap. There are paths rarely traveled-and they are tiny little lines, overgrown with weeds. There are roads you travel often in thought--these are the expressways, paved over. And there's everything inbetween.

Some call it 'wiring'. I call it the paths your thinking takes often compared to the paths your thinking rarely takes.

So, 17 years of open relationships? Is that what I understood?

You have an expressway to the orgy. The monogamous path is a little dirt path that sometimes is hard to find, with the overgrowth.

Retraining your mind to take that little dirt path, barely visible, and forsake the expressway, would have to be a conscious effort. It could take years, if ever, for that expressway to break up, trees form in it, and it become unrecognizable. It also could be difficult to find the monogamous path--it hasn't been used in a long time, and you may have to sometimes make a new path, sometimes hunt for the old forgotten one.

Point is, you can try this for awhile. It would take many years for you to think exclusively. If you try this monogamous thinking, you do have to watch out for depression, as a sign of you giving up too much of your identity.

Our personalities are very much a part of our roadmap, sexual, and all the other components too. Re-inventing yourself at this stage won't be easy.

Convincing your wife to also become a puppy dog, instead of let's say--a cat--who would never lick the mouths of strangers--could be equally difficult.

So the choice is yours whether to try remapping your mind, and see how it goes. It may partially work, it may not work at all. As for never thinking down the orgy expressway--maybe it can be a fantasy that you share with toq, but don't feel a need to act out. All you can do is try, and see what happens.

 

90 days of conscious reworking can do wonders and greatly reduce the triggering.

[shadowofman]

Obviously the pics were not important enough to fight my SO over. Just because I don't understand the feelings she has about them, doesn't mean I won't respect her feelings. I have used flippant words to belittle her feelings, and I have apologized.

 

And I have used strange (to most, not to me) logic to analyse the feelings.

For instance, I have asked the question:

If a wife feels that her husband having pics of another woman means that he doesn't love the wife, isn't it just the same irrational logic as a husband feeling unloved because his wife will not let him keep them?

 

It is controversial logic, but I believe relevant. But really I was just using questions to discover universal and relative truths.

 

I am not in danger of resenting her for taking away my liberty, because I am signing my own rights away. If at some point I feel as though she doesn't love me enough, I will let her know. That just doesn't usually happen. I quit poker night with the guys a long time ago, even though she has changed her mind and doesn't have a problem with it now. If I were to go, it would still be time away from her, when time with her is considered rare.

[shadowofman]

so basically you are saying it is wrong/ridiculous of her to be hurt

 

I don't believe any feelings are wrong. I just believe some people are more sensitive than others. Some women would be hurt by a fully clothed picture of any other woman on their man's computers. At what point does a feeling become ridiculous? Should we decide democratically on LS, or should we allow our own relationships to determine.

[FryFish]

And why? I had those photos in my possesion for 30 years before my relationship with my MM.

It just sort of fits the "entire picture" of who and what kind of a person you are. You are an "other woman" who has trouble with boundaries in at least the relationship part of your life.

[xxoo]

And I have used strange (to most, not to me) logic to analyse the feelings.

For instance, I have asked the question:

If a wife feels that her husband having pics of another woman means that he doesn't love the wife, isn't it just the same irrational logic as a husband feeling unloved because his wife will not let him keep them?

 

Do you honestly feel unloved because of her boundary?

 

In answer to the theoretical question, sure, it means she doesn't love you enough to disregard her own boundaries. And thank goodness.

[shadowofman]

In answer to the theoretical question, sure, it means she doesn't love you enough to disregard her own boundaries. And thank goodness.

 

An acceptable response. Though I must say, that I love her so much I would eat her vomit. And I don't even like vomit. I also find this less extreme than taking a bullet for her. Vomit will not kill me.

 

Do you honestly feel unloved because of her boundary?

 

No. I feel very, very loved. I could feel infinitely more loved.

[jennie-jennie]

It just sort of fits the "entire picture" of who and what kind of a person you are. You are an "other woman" who has trouble with boundaries in at least the relationship part of your life.

 

I don't have trouble with boundaries. Just because my boundaries are not the same as yours, does not mean I have trouble with boundaries. So for 25 years I was faithful to my SO, the father of my children, and then I am defined by you only by the fact that I once again fell in love with the love of my youth. You know nothing about me or who I am. It is your prejudices showing.

[xxoo]

No. I feel very, very loved. I could feel infinitely more loved.

 

Do you think she could feel infinitely more loved, too?

 

Did she actually feel unloved when she found the photo of the ex?

 

(I don't expect answers to these questions--just things to consider)

[jennie-jennie]

I literally see nothing wrong with having the pics other than it hurt my SO. I disposed of them because it hurt my SO, and despite what anyone thinks, I don't want to hurt my SO. Jennie has this similar thought pattern, we are not correct because no one is correct. That means that the rest of you are not correct either. You just think differently than we do.

 

In my mind, there is no difference between thinking of a nude ex, and having a pic, except that your current SO can see the image. If I could hard wire my mind to my SOs mind, she would probably be overloaded with memories that would disgust her. But could only apologize that they can't be deleted.

 

I on the other hand, would love to see her memories. I think I would love her even more if I got to see all she had done.

 

Obviously the pics were not important enough to fight my SO over. Just because I don't understand the feelings she has about them, doesn't mean I won't respect her feelings. I have used flippant words to belittle her feelings, and I have apologized.

 

And I have used strange (to most, not to me) logic to analyse the feelings.

For instance, I have asked the question:

If a wife feels that her husband having pics of another woman means that he doesn't love the wife, isn't it just the same irrational logic as a husband feeling unloved because his wife will not let him keep them?

 

It is controversial logic, but I believe relevant. But really I was just using questions to discover universal and relative truths.

 

I am not in danger of resenting her for taking away my liberty, because I am signing my own rights away. If at some point I feel as though she doesn't love me enough, I will let her know. That just doesn't usually happen. I quit poker night with the guys a long time ago, even though she has changed her mind and doesn't have a problem with it now. If I were to go, it would still be time away from her, when time with her is considered rare.

 

I don't believe any feelings are wrong. I just believe some people are more sensitive than others. Some women would be hurt by a fully clothed picture of any other woman on their man's computers. At what point does a feeling become ridiculous? Should we decide democratically on LS, or should we allow our own relationships to determine.

 

Shadowofman, I have not read all your posts, but of those I have read I like your thoughts. You do not judge, you understand that what is right for one person may not be right for another, and likewise what is wrong for one person may not be wrong for another. You backed off and took into consideration the needs of your SO when she was hurt.

[shadowofman]

Do you think she could feel infinitely more loved, too?

 

I do. I have trouble figuring out how to make her feel more loved.

 

Did she actually feel unloved when she found the photo of the ex?

 

She did.

[Dexter Morgan]

And why?

 

its a character thing since now I know you are an OW.

[Dexter Morgan]

You know nothing about me or who I am. .

 

You stated you are an OW. That tells us enough.