SO found nude pic on my comp

[You Go Girl]

I have apologized for stroking her insecurity gland, as someone said.

 

I certainly am. A complex combination of narcissism and self loathing.

 

You didn't stroke her insecurity gland. That sentence is insulting, and if I was the W in this situation, I'd tell you off royally right then and there. She doesn't have an insecurity gland. She's not insecure--you've made it perfectly clear that you'd like to bang a million women on the planet.

 

Think of it this way SOM--you can have quantity--a million women (or whatever number you can get to with really working at that goal) or you can have Quality--one person, love them completely, and not be constantly focused on the sexuality of others--because the time you spend thinking about the sexuality of others is time that you could be using far more productively in your life in other ways--one definitely being your marriage.

 

The point about not keeping sex mementos--nude pics for ex--of ex's is that you aren't supposed to keep trophy's of women you've had once you are married. I remember before I was married, going to the dumpster with a pic (totally clothed) of a man I had loved and a couple love letters, and dropping them over the edge. Leave the past where it belongs. May your mind drum up old images and smile once in awhile? Sure, you got married, not a lobotomy. Do you keep a physical item which will have both the effect of--not completely letting go--and jolting sexual memories of past lovers? No, you throw them out.

 

I don't know how honest you are about being a combination of narcissism and self-loathing. But as my H is exactly that, so I hope you were kidding. It is horrible living with someone who feels both entitled and depressed. It puts their spouse always on shaky ground, and live never feels sane, and it is painful to feel the insensitivity of the narcisstic side, and painful to watch the self-loathing side.

 

What we are debating here is how people think about sexuality. The porn for example--some focus on seeking out images of other men/women, which does indeed train the mind to think sexually more often of all people, and find this normal behavior for them. Pavlov's theory is what dreamingoftigers is talking about, citing the alarm clock example.

 

Point is--a mind can be trained to be hyper-sexual, a mind can be untrained too.

[You Go Girl]

I have to say that Fry has a right to be skeptical. A vast (hugely vast) percentage of men watch porn. But it is not impossible to find men that don't. I still think they are strange.

 

Most men watch porn--fact, not opinion.

You can call them 'strange' compared to you, but you can't call them 'liars' as Fry did, or not 'normal'.

What Fry can't do--and the women on here will call him on the carpet for--is laughingly imply that they are naive and stupid, and that their lovers are lying to them. This is insulting 2 people whom he doesn't know a damn thing about--the gf and her lover-as in some cases, or me and a platonic male friend, etc.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I have to say that Fry has a right to be skeptical. A vast (hugely vast) percentage of men watch porn. But it is not impossible to find men that don't. I still think they are strange.

My guy says that porn is getting boring so maybe its a age thing? hes in his mid 30s and he watches very little porn how old are you shadow?

[shadowofman]

I apologize for the "insecurity gland" statement. I thought it was witty when a previous poster said it. But the fact is that I made her feel insecure by leading her to believe I actually had intentions with my friend.

 

Think of it this way SOM--you can have quantity--a million women (or whatever number you can get to with really working at that goal) or you can have Quality--one person, love them completely, and not be constantly focused on the sexuality of others--because the time you spend thinking about the sexuality of others is time that you could be using far more productively in your life in other ways--one definitely being your marriage.

 

There is wisdom in this. If I didn't think about sex at all I'm sure I could accomplish way more.

 

I don't know how honest you are about being a combination of narcissism and self-loathing. But as my H is exactly that, so I hope you were kidding. It is horrible living with someone who feels both entitled and depressed. It puts their spouse always on shaky ground, and live never feels sane, and it is painful to feel the insensitivity of the narcisstic side, and painful to watch the self-loathing side.

 

I think this describes me quite well. Though my self-loathing is based on the fact that I feel defective in the eyes of people like you and my SO. The narcissism comes from my belief that I am not defective. I love and define myself partly by my attitudes toward pleasure, fun, and sex. I see nothing but sexy good time when I think of an orgy of attractive people. To me, it is no different than a cuddle party. Or a church service. A group of people releasing dopamine and oxytocin. The thought is rewarding to my brain just like the Pavlov's dogs are driven by the dopamine from the bell. I will be attempting to untrain my hyper-sexuality. It has existed as is for about 17 years. At this point, I both want it all to stop and don't want to let go.

[shadowofman]

I am 30. Been watching porn since I was 12ish. All I can comment on porn is that it is getting more and more to the point. The girls are 1000% hotter. The variety and themes are broader (there were no squirt videos then, but OH MY GOD! NOT BORING!). It is more on demand than ever thought possible.

 

The craft of porn is an art form. It breaks technological boundaries in video and networking. Video, DVD, and streaming video would not exist today without it. I secretly desire to be a pornographer. I think I would be excellent at it.

 

You may look at 1000 porns and think that they are all basically the same. But to the male mind, each is unique.

 

I can watch one video for a month and by the end, it won't even get me erect. Pop up a new video with the same set and same actors but slightly different footage and I'm excited all over again.

 

It's all about visual stimulation, Something that I need. If my wife demanded lights out during sex, I would be less excited by sex by more than half.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am 30. Been watching porn since I was 12ish. All I can comment on porn is that it is getting more and more to the point. The girls are 1000% hotter. The variety and themes are broader (there were no squirt videos then, but OH MY GOD! NOT BORING!). It is more on demand than ever thought possible.

 

The craft of porn is an art form. It breaks technological boundaries in video and networking. Video, DVD, and streaming video would not exist today without it. I secretly desire to be a pornographer. I think I would be excellent at it.

 

You may look at 1000 porns and think that they are all basically the same. But to the male mind, each is unique.

 

I can watch one video for a month and by the end, it won't even get me erect. Pop up a new video with the same set and same actors but slightly different footage and I'm excited all over again.

 

It's all about visual stimulation, Something that I need. If my wife demanded lights out during sex, I would be less excited by sex by more than half.

 

Check out In the Shadow of the Net my dopamine-addict friend.

 

You need the new in order to feel stimulated I bet, which sounds rrreeeeallly familiar.

[xxoo]

I think this describes me quite well. Though my self-loathing is based on the fact that I feel defective in the eyes of people like you and my SO. The narcissism comes from my belief that I am not defective.

 

I'm not going to use the word defective, but something is definitely wrong if your obsessions and compulsions regarding sex are interfering with the intimate relationships you need. You don't have to define it by the standards of us or your SO. Define it by the standards of what you want to achieve in your life. You want a loving relationship, and this obsessive/compulsive behavior is destroying it. That is a generally accepted standard of "when I need help with my issues".

 

You say that the topless photo of your ex wouldn't even get you hard. I believe you, but that is a damn shame! In your insatiable hunger for MORE variety, you've become desensitized to lesser stimuli. Familiar porn won't get you hard....your own SO is too familiar....you need more, more, more. Everytime you seek more, you are moving in a direction AWAY from your SO. I don't believe this to be true of all men using porn, but I believe this to be true for you.

 

SOM, how do you feel about giving up porn for a few months? Does that idea make you defensive? Depress you? Anger you? Frighten you?

[crazycatlady]

SOM -

 

One I appreciate the way you express yourself. I think its fun to read, amusing, and informative. I appreciate a witty mind.

 

Second I'm glad you are being so open about your difficulties in trying to change yourself to conform to the norm to satisfy the woman you love. I don't think a lot of people who feel the way you feel would be able to do that. And those with more normal desires don't understand just how against the grain you are going.

 

I think my husband would have a horrible miserible time doing it. And it makes me wonder if the first 10 years we were together he was very unhappy. But he had never had it before with anyone else where you have, so it could be a case of him not know himself enough. I will have to ask him.

 

Until talking to my H and going open, I didn't get it simply because I wasn't use to thinking like that. Because there is an assumption you should be jealous, you should be insecure, that its wrong and so on and so forth.

 

Like everyone else, I have to wonder how long love will be enough for you and your SO. I would think its hard on you living a life that goes against your grain, your honesty in what you are giving up, its going to eventually drive your SO nuts. I hear what you are saying "I love you enough to give this up" what she hears is "You aren't enough because I wish you would let me do this".

 

I would think its hard (especially given what everyone else has said) for someone who doesn't feel this way to understand its not them. That dreaded "its not you its me" actually is the truth here. SHe could be perfect in all ways and it wouldn't be enough. And that is really hard for someone who isn't wired that way.

 

I'm trying to decide how I would feel if I discovered my H had nude pictures of his exes before me....I actually think I have nude pictures of a couple of former lovers of my own somewhere though in all the movies its possible I tossed them, I don't really know. I wouldn't mind because they are exes are for a reason, and none of them he ever felt how he feels about me with, so nothing to worry about. He doesn't talk to too many of them. But I know he has naked pictures of other women. He shows them to me. So obviously my take on this would be different then everyone elses.

 

CCL

[crazycatlady]

I'm not going to use the word defective, but something is definitely wrong if your obsessions and compulsions regarding sex are interfering with the intimate relationships you need. You don't have to define it by the standards of us or your SO. Define it by the standards of what you want to achieve in your life. You want a loving relationship, and this obsessive/compulsive behavior is destroying it. That is a generally accepted standard of "when I need help with my issues".

 

You say that the topless photo of your ex wouldn't even get you hard. I believe you, but that is a damn shame! In your insatiable hunger for MORE variety, you've become desensitized to lesser stimuli. Familiar porn won't get you hard....your own SO is too familiar....you need more, more, more. Everytime you seek more, you are moving in a direction AWAY from your SO. I don't believe this to be true of all men using porn, but I believe this to be true for you.

 

SOM, how do you feel about giving up porn for a few months? Does that idea make you defensive? Depress you? Anger you? Frighten you?

 

One thing I noticed about my own h....before we opened up our marriage, my H used a heck of a lot more porn. Now porn is there but way less then what it use to be, in fact I look at it more then he does now. Some of it is because I want to understand his kink better and some of it is because my kink doesn't get enough attention (its harder to manage, not because he's unwilling, I'm more the unwilling person there). Its still only like a once a month kind of thing.

 

So...SOM are you using porn as a sustitute for what y ou really want? It almost like a form of self-medicating - like alcoholics often self-medicate for depression.

 

Interesting call XXOO.

 

CCL

[shadowofman]

You say that the topless photo of your ex wouldn't even get you hard. I believe you, but that is a damn shame! In your insatiable hunger for MORE variety, you've become desensitized to lesser stimuli. Familiar porn won't get you hard....your own SO is too familiar....you need more, more, more. Everytime you seek more, you are moving in a direction AWAY from your SO. I don't believe this to be true of all men using porn, but I believe this to be true for you.

 

Eh. I disagree. In places where woman walk around topless all the time, the men don't have constant erections. I don't even really get erect from still frames at all. They are pleasing, but not sexually stimulating unless I force it.

 

SOM, how do you feel about giving up porn for a few months? Does that idea make you defensive? Depress you? Anger you? Frighten you?

 

Not a problem. I just got done with a nearly 6 month phase of very limited porn usage. Maybe once a month. Now a days, I'm about once a week. Sometimes its once a day. Sometimes its three times a day.

 

If Im single, I don't masturbate. Too depressing. If I'm in a relationship with good sex, my libido spikes and I want more and more sex.

 

Right now I'm at a low usage because I'm trying to maintain a lower libido.

 

Also, I must set the record straighter. I do not want an open relationship. I want all sexual experiences to be shared with my SO. Nothing individual on the side. Nothing private at least. If she has sex with a man while I'm not there, I want to be able to watch, hear about it, clean up the sloppy seconds, whatever. I mean I'd take an open relationship as opposed to monogamy, but I don't think private affairs would work for me.

 

Basically, I want to be one half male, half female body with my SO. I want to experience all those variations hetero and homosexual.

 

I'm completely done trying to convince her to try any of this though. As you will notice, this thread is not about group sex or open relationships.

[xxoo]

Reading your posts, I got a very different idea about porn's importance to you. I apologize for the misunderstanding.

 

There is still I lot I don't understand about what you are saying--esp the parts about your SO being everything you need and enough, but also, at other times, not meeting all your needs and sex getting stale.

 

Also, I must set the record straighter. I do not want an open relationship. I want all sexual experiences to be shared with my SO. Nothing individual on the side. Nothing private at least. If she has sex with a man while I'm not there, I want to be able to watch, hear about it, clean up the sloppy seconds, whatever. I mean I'd take an open relationship as opposed to monogamy, but I don't think private affairs would work for me.

 

Basically, I want to be one half male, half female body with my SO. I want to experience all those variations hetero and homosexual.

 

I'm completely done trying to convince her to try any of this though. As you will notice, this thread is not about group sex or open relationships.

 

Ok, some thoughts here.

 

My H has a lot of wild fantasies. Some of them I would never, ever actually do--but happily engage them in the realm of fantasy. So, we can get crazy and talk dirty and play this stuff out in fantasy.

 

If he pushed me to actually do this stuff, at some point I wouldn't even want to hear about the fantasies at all. Does that make sense?

 

I have some more thoughts about your actual fantasy, but don't know if my perspective is accurate. It seems to me that you want her to be a vessel for you to experience sex with a man by proxy. Is it something that would truly bring her pleasure, or is her experience a step toward your ultimate pleasure--in sharing the details?

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't consider it being busted because I wasn't hiding it. I wasn't caught. She looked and saw something she didn't like about my behavior. Cried about it and I changed my behavior.

 

ah, so now you are poo pooing her feelings?

 

You weren't hiding it? that would indicate that you think there is nothing wrong with what you did. but then changed your behavior. One doesn't change their behavior if they haven't done anything wrong.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have nude pics of one of my exes.

 

why?

 

 

An ex is an ex is an ex and is no threat to the current relationship, not in my case anyway.

 

its not about being a threat, its about disrespecting your SO.

 

again, why do you have nude pics of one of your exes. Sounds to me like there are some unresolved issues there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh, but I am in an exclusive relationship. But the past is the past and no threat to the present. I can look at the picture of my ex and remember the good times that were.

 

anyone that feels the need to keep nude pics of X's aren't to be trusted with a 10 foot pole.

 

you wouldn't convince me because you are so fond of your X and love looking at nude pics of him that if you were 1000 miles away from your SO in a hotel with your X that you would not jump him.

[2sunny]

Eh. I disagree. In places where woman walk around topless all the time, the men don't have constant erections. I don't even really get erect from still frames at all. They are pleasing, but not sexually stimulating unless I force it.

 

 

 

Not a problem. I just got done with a nearly 6 month phase of very limited porn usage. Maybe once a month. Now a days, I'm about once a week. Sometimes its once a day. Sometimes its three times a day.

 

If Im single, I don't masturbate. Too depressing. If I'm in a relationship with good sex, my libido spikes and I want more and more sex.

 

Right now I'm at a low usage because I'm trying to maintain a lower libido.

 

Also, I must set the record straighter. I do not want an open relationship. I want all sexual experiences to be shared with my SO. Nothing individual on the side. Nothing private at least. If she has sex with a man while I'm not there, I want to be able to watch, hear about it, clean up the sloppy seconds, whatever. I mean I'd take an open relationship as opposed to monogamy, but I don't think private affairs would work for me.

 

Basically, I want to be one half male, half female body with my SO. I want to experience all those variations hetero and homosexual.

 

I'm completely done trying to convince her to try any of this though. As you will notice, this thread is not about group sex or open relationships.

 

after reading this - i think you two are really mismatched. you may care deeply for her, enough to remove a picture, but you are both worlds apart if this is what you want and she gets this upset over a picture on your computer.

 

her boundaries are not even close to yours. you will spend the entire relationship being resentful that she is keeping you from what you view as your happiness and your approach to a relationship. your open mind and her closed mind is like two different worlds. one will always resent the other for not getting things the way you want them - or getting what you want and making the other person resentful in order to get things your way.

[blind_otter]

Almost correct. I am expressing my dissent. But I am willingly accepting them. Not sure if my irrational expectations would be met with such....

 

If there is dissent, there is no willing acceptance. Those two feelings are mutually exclusive. Once you accept, fully, there is nothing to dissent because only acceptance exists in that place in your mind.

 

I had an experience with a man who seemed unable to grasp the basis of my own emotions and strong convictions. It tore my heart into pieces so small that I can't find them all anymore. I loved him, but I don't think that he really knew what love was because he was simply UNABLE to understand why I needed what I did.

 

He tried to give it to me, what I wanted, in an arbitrary manner because he never really knew why he should, and he didn't really agree with it. He was doing it for me...but that's not how it works. It never works out that way.

 

The sad reality is that sometimes, you love someone with all your heart - but love isn't enough.

 

If you have that deep seated need or desire, it will never go away. And sometimes it is important to honor that, so that you don't destroy the ones who love you because there is something restless and unsatisfied in you for the rest of your life and they know that they will never be enough to satisfy that.

 

It just comes up in various other, little ways, whittling away at you until you are hollow and feel dead inside.

[You Go Girl]

SOM--I do understand you. I know a man who thinks very much like you. You, are like the happy puppy in a room full of strangers. You don't want to just stay by the side of your owner and lick their mouth, you want to go around the room and lick everybody's mouth.

It's not malicious, deceitful, or even necessarily selfish. It could be this--

 

Think of your mind like a roadmap. There are paths rarely traveled-and they are tiny little lines, overgrown with weeds. There are roads you travel often in thought--these are the expressways, paved over. And there's everything inbetween.

Some call it 'wiring'. I call it the paths your thinking takes often compared to the paths your thinking rarely takes.

So, 17 years of open relationships? Is that what I understood?

You have an expressway to the orgy. The monogamous path is a little dirt path that sometimes is hard to find, with the overgrowth.

Retraining your mind to take that little dirt path, barely visible, and forsake the expressway, would have to be a conscious effort. It could take years, if ever, for that expressway to break up, trees form in it, and it become unrecognizable. It also could be difficult to find the monogamous path--it hasn't been used in a long time, and you may have to sometimes make a new path, sometimes hunt for the old forgotten one.

Point is, you can try this for awhile. It would take many years for you to think exclusively. If you try this monogamous thinking, you do have to watch out for depression, as a sign of you giving up too much of your identity.

Our personalities are very much a part of our roadmap, sexual, and all the other components too. Re-inventing yourself at this stage won't be easy.

Convincing your wife to also become a puppy dog, instead of let's say--a cat--who would never lick the mouths of strangers--could be equally difficult.

So the choice is yours whether to try remapping your mind, and see how it goes. It may partially work, it may not work at all. As for never thinking down the orgy expressway--maybe it can be a fantasy that you share with toq, but don't feel a need to act out. All you can do is try, and see what happens.

[Jersey Shortie]

I am 30. Been watching porn since I was 12ish. All I can comment on porn is that it is getting more and more to the point. The girls are 1000% hotter. The variety and themes are broader (there were no squirt videos then, but OH MY GOD! NOT BORING!). It is more on demand than ever thought possible.

 

The craft of porn is an art form. It breaks technological boundaries in video and networking. Video, DVD, and streaming video would not exist today without it. I secretly desire to be a pornographer. I think I would be excellent at it.

 

You may look at 1000 porns and think that they are all basically the same. But to the male mind, each is unique.

 

I can watch one video for a month and by the end, it won't even get me erect. Pop up a new video with the same set and same actors but slightly different footage and I'm excited all over again.

 

It's all about visual stimulation, Something that I need. If my wife demanded lights out during sex, I would be less excited by sex by more than half.

 

That's really kind of sad dude. And me, someone that rallys hard against porn kind of just feel sorry for you in regards to this.

[FryFish]

Don't judge other guys by your own gutter-level standards dearie. if you watch porn, hide it and lie about it, it doesn't mean other guys do too..

First off, Eat some **** for the "standards" remark. Second I dont lie or hide it. but I know MOST guys do. And most guys do it very well. Most guys have been doing it since they were 12-14 ish.

 

edit: the "standards" remark is what causes people to get defensive about this sort of thing... Its not shame, its genuine irritation at you actually thinking you are better than others.

Edited May 5, 2010 by FryFish

[jennie-jennie]

why?

 

 

 

 

its not about being a threat, its about disrespecting your SO.

 

again, why do you have nude pics of one of your exes. Sounds to me like there are some unresolved issues there.

 

Because I cherish the memories and the good times we had together.

 

I know my present SO values the sexual relationship I had with this particular ex because he knows it made me into the sexually pretty much uninhibited being I am, who in turn has affected him in a positive way to enjoy sex more fully. In fact he told me just the other day that he would not have wanted me to be without that past experience because he knows it has had a positive impact on our sex life today.

 

anyone that feels the need to keep nude pics of X's aren't to be trusted with a 10 foot pole.

 

you wouldn't convince me because you are so fond of your X and love looking at nude pics of him that if you were 1000 miles away from your SO in a hotel with your X that you would not jump him.

 

Just like SOM said, these photos do not turn me on. My object of sexual desire has changed. These exes are exes for a reason.

[FryFish]

These exes are exes for a reason.

So why keep photos and rehash memories?

 

No, an SO that keeps pictures(nude or otherwise) of their ex is a serious red flag and is not with the risk to benefit ratio.

[jennie-jennie]

So why keep photos and rehash memories?

 

No, an SO that keeps pictures(nude or otherwise) of their ex is a serious red flag and is not with the risk to benefit ratio.

 

But we are all products of our history. Why deny our past?

[Art_Critic]

But we are all products of our history. Why deny our past?

 

Yes Jennie that is true.. but there is no reason to keep naked pics..

 

If you can't pull out the photo album and show your kids one day or your Mom then the pictures are not just keepsakes from the past..

They are more...

 

And what is worse is that in the OP case his keeping a naked picture of his ex HURT his current GF..

No matter how you shale this one out you can't get around that fact that he hurt her..

[Art_Critic]

Not keeping a naked picture of an ex isn't denying that the past ever happened..

 

Moving forward and getting rid of the things that keep us mired in the past is getting ready for our next relationship and future ..

[crazycatlady]

Not keeping a naked picture of an ex isn't denying that the past ever happened..

 

Moving forward and getting rid of the things that keep us mired in the past is getting ready for our next relationship and future ..

 

Why would a photo keep you mired in the past? I use to keep old love letters. Some made me smile, some made me laugh at our naivity, some made my groan at my stupidity. I kept a lot of mementos - lost a bunch in a recent move or I would still have them. I've shown them to my H. And I think somewhere I do have a picture of a former lover naked.

 

Keeping photos or letters etc isn't miring yourself in the past. Sometimes it can be, but sometimes its a great reminder to how far we can come, where we have been, its a laugh, a grin, a sigh, its the flower of our youth maybe....who knows. The past is past but its good to remember where we are from, what we have gone through, to where you are now and where you are going.

 

As for the OP, he got rid of it when his current SO explained how it made her feel. Its not like he hid it and then she found it.

 

CCL