I want to stop thinking about him but he's making it hard...

[Cinderella7]

Long story short: I dated this guy for about 3 months. Everything was perfect (he called all the time, took me out on great dates, talked about me meeting his family, bought me gifts, etc.). I had no reason to believe he wasn't in it for the long haul. Then one night, we had The Talk and he said that even though he really liked me, wasn't seeing anyone else, & thought the relationship was going well, he expected to be able to see other people if he wanted to. Then he paused and said he "hadn't really thought much about it & wanted to think about it".

 

I was a little taken aback and started thinking about it myself. I decided that I really was not interested in being with someone who needed to "think about" whether or not they could commit to seeing me exclusively. Seeing as his birthday was that week, I didn't want to call & break up with him on his birthday, so I sent a birthday text, which he responded to, and that was it. I didn't call him though, and I know he was expecting a phone call.

 

I haven't called him since that night, nor has he called me. He randomly sent me a text last Wednesday about dealing with something about work that reminded him of me & wishing me a good morning. I sent back a short but friendly reply and that was it.

 

A few days later my roommate ran into him at a restaurant (they're old friends, that's how we met). She was a few drinks in & made a comment about how dumb he was for letting me go (slightly embarrassing for me but I wasn't there to intervene). He replied that he "is being respectful towards me". What does that even mean? Wouldn't respect mean he picks up the phone to actually call me & end things with me, or at least figure out what's going on? He is the absolute LAST guy I expected to pull the disappearing act. (I know, I know, I haven't called him either. I would have but I didn't want to screw up his birthday & then it just seemed like too much time had gone by).

 

I really really do want to get over him and stop thinking about him (the Talk happened 2 weeks ago). I know I made the right decision in deciding to not continue seeing someone who couldn't commit to me, or wanted me to keep me around as a back-up plan. I know I deserve more than that. But he seemed SO into me that it's confusing and hard and scary to think that someone can behave like that and then look at you and say, "Sorry, I want to be able to see other people too".

 

Any support or advice or understanding is appreciated.

[ADF]

You did the right thing and still are. This guy cannot have it both ways. He cannot have a relationship with you completely on his own terms. I am a litttle amazed at how reluctant guys are nowadays to see a woman exclusively, even when they really like her. Women used to complain about men not wanting to get married. Heck, now lots of guys won't consider anything beyond FWB. Well, you weren't having it, and he lost you. Too bad for him.

[Cinderella7]

You did the right thing and still are. This guy cannot have it both ways. He cannot have a relationship with you completely on his own terms. I am a litttle amazed at how reluctant guys are nowadays to see a woman exclusively, even when they really like her. Women used to complain about men not wanting to get married. Heck, now lots of guys won't consider anything beyond FWB. Well, you weren't having it, and he lost you. Too bad for him.

 

Thanks for the support. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm finding that the 'high' of making the decision not to be mistreated is wearing off now & I find myself missing him.

 

The weird thing was, we weren't intimate on a regular basis, so it wasn't like he was getting sex without commitment. We waited two months before we slept together (which only happened once), and he was the one who wanted to wait, saying it was a "respect issue" for him.

[ADF]

Thanks for the support. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm finding that the 'high' of making the decision not to be mistreated is wearing off now & I find myself missing him.

 

The weird thing was, we weren't intimate on a regular basis, so it wasn't like he was getting sex without commitment. We waited two months before we slept together (which only happened once), and he was the one who wanted to wait, saying it was a "respect issue" for him.

 

Feeling ambivelant in a situation like yours is perfectly normal. OOf course you are going to feel a loss. He doesn't sound like a monster. He sounds like a guy with some good qualities who is painfully short-sighted in this very fundamental way. It is a shame, but there it is.

[Cinderella7]

Feeling ambivelant in a situation like yours is perfectly normal. OOf course you are going to feel a loss. He doesn't sound like a monster. He sounds like a guy with some good qualities who is painfully short-sighted in this very fundamental way. It is a shame, but there it is.

 

Thanks. You made me feel much better.

[Tim The Enchanter]

But he seemed SO into me that it's confusing and hard and scary to think that someone can behave like that and then look at you and say, "Sorry, I want to be able to see other people too".

 

I've been with women who've behaved like that too. My ex used to repeatedly say to me "I really like you" or "I really fancy you". She sent me two texts saying that she was falling in love with me. Within a month, she'd dumped me and told me that her feelings for me had been "switched off".

 

I guess I'm in a similar situation to you - recently dumped and have been smouldering over it for a while, but now starting to get those old feelings back. I'm sure NC is the most dignified way to handle it, but feelings are feelings.

[TaraMaiden]

I want to stop thinking about him but he's making it hard...

 

Actually...

he's not doing anything of the kind.

If you really want to stop thinking about it, he's not actually doing anything to stop you.

as I see it, he's not doing anything at all.

 

If this is playing round and round in your head, you're the one playing it. The only responsibility he bears, is that in the beginning, he seemed to be really pretty danged keen on taking this to more committed levels. Then, he had a change of mind.

Ok.

So, he changed his mind.

And he told you why.

So it's not as if he lied, tried to cheat on you, tried to tell you it was anything other than what he said it was. he was up-front and direct....

 

The problem YOU have, is that YOU can't let this go.

It IS over. He's not into being in a one-on-one relationship with you, which is what you'd like, so it's a no-brainer.

your problem is that actually, you'd like things to be different. You thought this was going somewhere, and you were very happy with that.

This opportunity has now been taken away form you, and you resent that.

But it's not his fault you're still whirring this round and round in your mind.

This is utterly your doing.

And the only way you can truly stop thinking about him - is to stop thinking about him.

[CaliGuy]

I guess I am wondering how a guy of only three months is this big of a deal to you. I am not chastising you, I am simply trying to get you to see that three months is nothing you can not deal with.

 

And if he really wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. People who walk away from you don't deserve your thoughts anymore...

[TaraMaiden]

With respect to you, TaraMaiden I disagree.

 

She doesn't have a problem, she is devastated over a guy who seemed to be into her then just drops the ball and it's over.

Exactly.

SHE is devastated. He isn't. She is the one who is reacting badly, he isn't.

Any of us would react like her and it's not easy to just "get over it" I know how it is to not be able to let go..it's hard..hardest thing I have experienced other than falling in love.

I take your point, and I understand, and I have been there myself. The big problem is, nobody can get inside her head and make him disappear, or not be in her mind.

[iYou make it sound like she should just snap out of it and quit thinking about him...it will take time..it always does

.

No, where have I said that?

It's not possible to 'snap out of it', but what I'm merely saying is that stating that 'he is making it hard' is an error. he is not responsible for the way she is feeling. The moment we accept responsibility for the way our mind is working, the sooner we caqn stop abdicating that responsibility, own our own thoughts and step up to the plate and deal with them. it's no good for us to put it all "out there" onto someone else. We have to realise that all emotions and feelings are the products of our own mind. It's healthy to have these feelings, and one should honour them when they arise. But what isn't healthy is to buils great big scenarios around them, tell ourselves 'stories' and go off at a tangent....

He did make her feel it was going somewhere and then he dropped the ball. Unfair, but he didn't cheat or lie to her...that IS respectful, but still incredibly unfair.

No, he also felt it was going somewhere,. then he had a change of heart. That's not unfair, that's the way things go sometimes,. Now, had he strung her along, and yet seen people behind her back, THAT would have been unfair. But he was honest and he came clean. That's actually phekkin' rare, if you ask me, and extremely respectful.

He did contact her too after

Yes, once in a text, last wednesday. I hardly think that qualifies as being in her face or invading her right to silence....

so yes, he is making it more difficult for her to stop thinking about him..

This isn't a fair statement.

he isn't deliberately yanking her chain, throwing her breadcrumbs or keeping her dangling.

he has been honest, upfront and respected her dignity by avoiding discussion with her about them, in every way. he has since done nothing else.

But her head has been playing these games and her mind has refused to let it go.

What do you think he should do, disappear off the face of the planet?

he needs to respect her too by keeping distance.

he's doing that.

he has not made contact with her since. What do you expect she should do?

 

I hope he makes sure the next time he leads on another girl like that, that he is in for the long run.

Maybe he's scared of commitment. Maybe she really wasn't to his taste. What he does, is his business.

He's basically out of the picture, and there is no relevance to this comment....

But my point is that what goes on between our ears, is down to us to deal with. we're the ones who start it all off....

I know it takes time. I know it's painful, and I know it's difficult. But it's still our call.

[TaraMaiden]

That's fine. I am happy to differ on this one, I really don't want to get into a slanging match, with anyone.

Especially as we risk hauling this thread off-topic....and we know how much Mods love that one, don't we?

 

I have every sympathy for your sister, and I promise I'm not just making placatory remarks. What your BiL did was beneath contempt, and I can fully understand what a devastating effect it had on your sister and your entire family.

But look, dated her, then he married her. And then 5 months later, he bailed..... He led her so far up the garden path they'd reached wilderness....

 

Cinderella had just known this guy for 3 months! That's 12 weeks! (A shorter time than your sister was married....)

Honestly, let's be fair - how long enough is that for anyone to know that this is Miss/Mr right, and that things are going to get serious? there's the possibility that she plunged in a little too readily, headlong and maybe that's what also worried him... too much, too soon...

we don't know what's going on inside his head, why he did what he did, and what led to his withdrawal.

But it really was a very brief fling.... so I think this may be blown out of some (if not all) proportion....

All we have to go is on what Cinders is relaying.

And all I'm saying is that while he may be to blame for this relationship going "titzzup", the RESPONSIBILITY for continuing to carry the anguish, is on her shoulders.

He's not present in her life, hauling the 40lb backpack onto her shoulders, and then loading bricks into it.

I'm not trying to have the last word here.

I just know, from experience, that releasing the anguish instead of nurturing it, is more productive.

" 'T is part of the cure to wish to be cured."

 

I'm sorry if you think that's Bullcrap.

(I personally like to call it man-cow-doo-doos.....) But it's just my PoV....

 

Thanks!

[Cinderella7]

Wow, I did not expect to come back & find all of these responses!

 

Let me clarify a few things first. This guy didn't technically do anything wrong, he was upfront and honest with me by saying he expected to see other people if he wanted. However, I wish you guys would have been able to see how he acted in the 3 months prior to that.

 

He went above & beyond to show me he liked me and wanted to get to know me better (and this guy isn't young, he just turned 30). On our first date, he told me he was looking for someone to fall in love with. He planned great dates for us, he called me nearly everyday, exactly when he said he would. He told me things he liked about me, telling me how smart I was and how much he admired my drive and ambition (side note: I'm a pretty attractive girl and normally guys tend to overlook things like that in favor just having some arm candy, but he seemed to really take the time to notice ME). He introduced me to his friends and his brother and talked about me meeting his parents. I passed a big test at work a month into our relationship, and he got me an incredible present and wrote me a really sweet card. He brought up a casual relationship talk about 6 weeks into the relationship, where we didn't exactly define ourselves as a couple, but told me that he saw this relationship going great places and that we hadn't hit a "high point" yet by any means. So I feel like yeah, he did way more than just lead me on into thinking he liked me and then dropped the ball. He basically held up a sign that screamed, "Looking for serious relationship with you" and then pretended like he wasn't when I asked him about it.

 

I'm like to think I'm not a very naive person, and I kept my guard up emotionally for about a solid 2 months into this relationship, because I've been hurt before. But he continued to be so awesome that I thought it was okay to start to trust him and develop feelings for him, and I did.

 

Now I am by no means devastated by him. Sad? Sure. Disappointed? Definitely Do I wish things had turned out differently? Sure. Do I wish he was my boyfriend today? Yes. But I'm definitely not devastated over a 3 month relationship. Just disappointed and confused, which is understandable.

 

But I think the thing I can't stop thinking about and the thing that really confuses and scares me is that his feelings just seemed to change overnight. Looking back, there is not ONE THING that I would do differently over the last 3 months. I'm proud of who I was throughout the time we dated; I was 100% genuinely myself. I wasn't presenting myself as someone I wasn't. I didn't abandon my whole life once I met some guy who seemed to like me. I kept doing my thing and made him a welcome addition to everything else I had going on. And he seemed to adore me, until it was time to commit, and then he couldn't. And it scares me that someone can seem like they have the same feelings for you & then those feelings just evaporate.

 

And someone made the point that it is my mind that can't stop thinking about him, not him. And they're right. I do need to stop thinking about it and move on, and I'm trying. I'm keeping busy and not contacting him and trying to get out there and meet new people. I just wish I knew what changed in him.

[TaraMaiden]

Cinders, that is perhaps the most common question anybody who's been dumped (ceremoniously or otherwise) always asks.

 

In a nutshell, "What the hell were they thinking - ?!?"

 

And I think almost without exception, the reply is -

Don't phukk with your own mind trying to guess or figure it out.

 

It's never obvious, and asking the dumper only leads to more confusion, because either they lie (to protect your feelings) or actually, they don't have a clue themselves...

 

From what I can gather, the only thing I can come up with is the "Good Ol' Mr CommitmentPhobe" syndrome has yet again, struck with a vengeance.

You met, you had a good time, things seemed to be going swimmingly, they were sailing along beautifully and then, things got taken up a notch.

 

You said it yourself.

At around the 2-month mark, you relaxed.

You developed feelings for him.

Something in his psyche must have clicked.

Something in his perception must have gone "Uh-oh....."

 

Now, he may have hidden that, or it could just have been a tiny little itch that got bigger the more he scratched.

 

But perhaps it was then.

Perhaps, seeing you getting serious, he began to get cold feet.

So much so that he suddenly back-pedalled faster than a bike on the black run.

 

But you know what?

In this case, (and I don't usually advise this - )

I'd actually ask him.

I'd confront him and ask him what the hell his game is?

Does the thought of commitment scare him rigid?

And tell him that you're not simple, you're not dumb, you're not stupid, so don't blather and make excuses.

 

Then whatever answer he gives you, call him a dumbass, tell him he just threw away the best thing that had ever happened to him, and wish him luck with his life, because you're sure as hell getting on with yours.

And walk away.

 

Let him be the one to chew on it for a while.

If you can be bothered, that is.

 

if you don't think you really give a damn about it enough to investigate further, then do precisely that. Get on with your life and enjoy it.

And know that the biggest loser in this - in every sense of the word - is him.

 

You SHALL go to the ball.

He's such a pumpkin.....

[Cinderella7]

But you know what?

In this case, (and I don't usually advise this - )

I'd actually ask him.

I'd confront him and ask him what the hell his game is?

Does the thought of commitment scare him rigid?

And tell him that you're not simple, you're not dumb, you're not stupid, so don't blather and make excuses.

 

Then whatever answer he gives you, call him a dumbass, tell him he just threw away the best thing that had ever happened to him, and wish him luck with his life, because you're sure as hell getting on with yours.

And walk away.

 

Let him be the one to chew on it for a while.

If you can be bothered, that is.

 

if you don't think you really give a damn about it enough to investigate further, then do precisely that. Get on with your life and enjoy it.

And know that the biggest loser in this - in every sense of the word - is him.

 

You SHALL go to the ball.

He's such a pumpkin.....

 

You, my dear, are a lifesaver. I read your post before work this morning but didn't have time to respond, but I've been carrying around your words with me all day. Every time I start to dwell on the situation or ask myself "what if" questions, I just repeat your last two sentences and I feel so much better.

 

I don't think I am going to contact him, because no matter what his answer is, I don't think I could commit to someone who has so many issues committing to me. Nor do I really think he'll own up to the fact that commitment freaks him out, and I'd rather not hear any lame excuses for why he couldn't date me exclusively. And I deserve someone who can look at me and know with certainty that I am the woman they want to be with. Although it is incredibly tempting to remind him what a fabulous, smart, and beautiful person he missed out on being with...I'll keep it in check for now.

 

Thank you so much for your advice and input. I've never been dumped before (aside from a 3 week fling that was doomed from the beginning) and this is the first time I've ever felt like this. So again, I really appreciate your words of wisdom. Because you're right. He is a total pumpkin, and one day I'll make it to the ball.