aim Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 At the end of March my husband of over 5 years and partner of over 9 announced to me that he had had 2 flings at works, I was COMPLETELY dumbfounded because although I knew he has been under extreme pressure at work (he runs a mutlinational company that was hit hard by the bad economy) I was always there to discuss issues and to manage almost everything on the homefront to limit his 'home' stress and NEVER could imagine he would resort to this type of behaviour as a fix (what he calls it). I grew to uncover that his 2 'flings' overlapped and lasted for over 1 and half years during which I was pregnant and gave birth to our third child - one of the women actually came to see me in the hospital when I had the baby:sick:. I think he decided to tell me about his affairs because one of the women's husband hired a private eye and called him to tell himhe knew. He had about 8 to 10 encounters over a year with one women and 4 over 6 months with the other. We are trying MC and he is only now starting to have remorse but each day I go through times where I feel that it is already too late and that he only told me because he got caught. His reactions have been extremely defensive and angry until know and he has told me on many occasions that he can't stand the pain and being the punching bag anymore!!!!!!! I know I have no control on his life choices, I am at a loss - he says he never stopped loving me and would compartmentalize his sexual escapades and that this is a personal problem and has nothing to do with me. I feel like this is bs. The 2 women are his subordinates and they still work there. Any advice?
hopesndreams Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 he says he never stopped loving me and would compartmentalize his sexual escapades and that this is a personal problem and has nothing to do with me. I feel like this is bs. The bs part is he never stopped loving you. The truth part is that it has nothing to do with you.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 May I ask you a few questions, on behalf of the group, since it seems you're seeking advice: 1. Who initiated MC, you or him? 2. Was MC initiated before or after his confession? 3. Is he doing IC himself? 4. What is it that you're trying to achieve by going through MC? and 5. How is MC going for you in your opinion? Sorry for all the questioning, but I think it may help us help you by better understanding the five questions I posed. Thanks.
RedDevil66 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Keep in mind, HE needs to work to gain YOUR trust. YOU are in the drivers seat and NOT him! My advice, tell him he needs to leave his job or let these women go. It's going to take YEARS to build back any trust with your H. Also, get therapy for yourself alone to work on your own pain. He only confessed because he got busted.
Author aim Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 He is the owner/president of the firm so can't really leave. He has told me that he can't really let the women go because 1) the are IMPORTANT to the business ( to which I replied he was keeping them around for narcissistic satisfation - everyone is replaceable) 2) because they could build a sexual harassment case against him. I have seen and spoken to both women and told them that I have printed material that proves they pursued him (true and not true...)and that they have to look for another job and prove to me by the end of May that they have made efforts to look for one or else I will expose what kind of person they are to all the branches of the company (shotgun email) and tell all their facebook friends what they have done on an individual manner. They seem scared, good. My husband doesn't know about this because I told him that if he speaks to either women now, there is no reconciliation. When I found out I told him to go to therapy, he found someone who I am also seeing on an individual basis, he seems very competent. Last week he told my husband that he would reschedule his apt with him in 2 weeks as opposed to 1, my husband thinks it is because he doing well whereas I know it is because he skirts all issues with the therapist and want only to do couples therapy, the therapist alluded to it... I have agreed to do MC because it is the only place I have gotten any of the details of the affairs and also because I am still on the fence as to whether I want to stay in the relationship or not. He acts like all he wants is me but I feel that the minute I bring down my guard, he will come charging with accusations and try to project blame on me.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 check out the book After the Affair. I find it helped somewhat. I kind of know how you feel, my H was cheating when I was pregnant too, that is one of the worst betrayals imho. This is completely on him, let him know that. COMPLETELY. There are lots of crappy, stressful marriages out there and that doesn't mean that everyone in them cheats. People give themselves special permission to cheat. If work is stressful, he put HIMSELF there. There isn't any guilt over such bs as "I work hard to give you money and it's stressful." boo-hoo. People all over the world work hard and they don't all cheat. Accept no excuses. NONE. Forgive if you want but watch your back.
norajane Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 He acts like all he wants is me No, he isn't acting like all he wants is you. If he were acting like all he wants is you, he'd be bending over backwards to do whatever it takes to begin rebuilding trust, and to be compassionate toward how you are feeling. Instead, he is doing the following: he only told me because he got caught. His reactions have been extremely defensive and angry until know and he has told me on many occasions that he can't stand the pain and being the punching bag anymore!!!!!!! he skirts all issues with the therapist but I feel that the minute I bring down my guard, he will come charging with accusations and try to project blame on me. Advice? Hire a good attorney. Kick his ass out. Continue therapy, but on YOUR terms, i.e., he doesn't get to come back home until he has proven to you without a doubt that he is trustworthy. And the only way he can do that is be BEING trustworthy, over time, so that his words and his actions match up.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I agree with Nora. He has to learn that even if he's not sorry for his actions right now, there are consequences for those actions. Getting his rear end kicked to the curb until true remorse is shown is one of those consequences. Not being able to "stand the pain and be a punching bag anymore" is just a side effect of getting caught. It is not a consequence for betraying his family. It seems to me that he needs to experience loss before he can appreciate the damage he's done.
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