missfrenchie Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hi all… I have posted here once before in the last few days… Suffice to say I’ve been lurking for at least the last week now. What brings me here?? Well… Here’s my story. My boyfriend (or not boyfriend, I’m not quite sure…) is amazing. We met by complete accident and were pretty taken by each other. We both had bad relationships in the past and both know what we DON’T want in a relationship. He is French and quite an attractive guy, who gets a lot of attention from women. This didn’t bother me at first, he always made me feel so secure. Nothing has changed… The longer our relationship went on, the more I realised I had to lose and became scared. I’ve had a few blow ups in the last 6 months and it’s really damaged us as a couple. He’s said it hasn’t changed his feelings towards me, but it has changed how he sees us. That killed me… In the 6 months we’ve been together, things have been pretty intense. We both said at one time or another that maybe we should take a step back and slow down. We never did… He was having issues where he was living and was living on and off with me for about 2 months. This was when the silly arguing started. It was always "something" every few days… We are both quite independent, but he is the more independent out of the two of us. He’s been single for 5 years and he’s so used to doing everything for himself and felt living with me was almost depending on me. We’d talked about making other arrangements but it never eventuated until just recently. Now… This is where it stands… We decided it would be best for both of us to take some time out. Still see each other and contact each other but not be living out of each others pockets… I was more than happy with this decision… Yet, the next night he came over and said that maybe he needs to realise what he’s got and suggested we actually take a break… That he cares so deeply for me but doesn’t want the kind of relationship we have. That taking some time apart will allow us to work out why things are happening the way they are. He says that he wants to miss me… He wants to try again and doesn’t want to lose me. Hearing all of this really did some damage. I feel lost. We have so much coming up over the next couple of weeks that we decided we would take this "break" in a couple of weeks. I’ve taken the reins so to speak and have barely contacted him over the last week. I’ve let him come to me… He’s acting like everything is normal. Affection, kissing, staying with me and holding on tighter than ever when we sleep. Calling me "mon bebe"… (my baby)… This is harder than I ever thought it could be when I know damn well what’s looming around the corner. Why is he acting so normal? I’m completely lost and have no idea what to do… It’s affecting my job because I can barely concentrate on anything else. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated… Thank you!!!!
Author missfrenchie Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Hmmm....... I thought at least one person may be able to help... But no-one?? Really??
Chochobong Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 You need to define what this break means.....are you together....can you see other people? But be WARNED, I'd say 95% of the break stories on here have not ended well. They will sleep with someone else, and they will justify their actions on the break. My wife initiated a break with me and already had a fling lined up to engage in. Go with your gut and do not settle for less than you're comfortable with.
Author missfrenchie Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Hey Chocobong.... I'm still really confused about it all to be honest. I've scaled these forums for days and days looking for some reasurence, but I won't get it unless it comes from him. It's definitely not about seeing other people. We've discussed that and he has always been upfront and honest - even if he didn't want to hurt my feelings. To him it's wanting to realise what we have... Damn this hurts.
monkeymaid Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 so hes trying to reignite the initial passion and lustful whirlwind of emotion like in the beginning. ...well, i think he needs to mature a bit. sounds like he doesnt want anything that serious where you tackle life together. in a relationship, you take the ups with the downs. its an ebb and a flow. i think that maybe you should find some things that you enjoy independently of him and engage in those. ...he will come bacl, of that i am certain. dont fret about where his mind is at. the stronger you can be, and the more composed you are, the more he will miss you and want you in his arms yet again. i say dont sweat it, then watch him come running
Author missfrenchie Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 so hes trying to reignite the initial passion and lustful whirlwind of emotion like in the beginning. ...well, i think he needs to mature a bit. sounds like he doesnt want anything that serious where you tackle life together. in a relationship, you take the ups with the downs. its an ebb and a flow. i think that maybe you should find some things that you enjoy independently of him and engage in those. ...he will come bacl, of that i am certain. dont fret about where his mind is at. the stronger you can be, and the more composed you are, the more he will miss you and want you in his arms yet again. i say dont sweat it, then watch him come running Thanks Monkeymaid… I’ve actually planned a trip to the bookshop to brush up on my French… Will be starting dance class in a week or so and I also have a 2nd job working in a bar so I know my time will be well occupied. I’m moving house this week too so I have plenty on. I have to resist the urge to just crawl up into a ball and sleep… Even though our weather right now is permitting it!! I have thought about that. Trust me. Is he going to go and run anytime he gets scared?? He has said that he accepts we will have our ups and downs, but the constant arguing is totally unwanted. I’m going through a multitude of phases and even though I’m confused with his behaviour right now, I think I’ll use it to my advantage to show him we do have fun times, we can laugh and have no pressure. Can I ask… What makes you so certain he’ll come running back? I’ve been trying to prepare myself for both scenarios because I’m QUEEN at getting my hopes up, only to have them crash at my feet. What I do hold onto is that this guy is an honest guy. He’s a rare find. He said if there wasn’t anything for him to think about he’d just end it already. But I can’t be certain that will lead to us trying again… I can’t believe how much it helps just to get a little bit of advice from outside my own little world… Thank you!
monkeymaid Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 its rather counterintuitive, but when i say dont sweat it, i dont mean expect him to come running, i mean really dont sweat it. you have no control over the outcome or his decision making skills, but what you do have is control over yourself. if you can be comfortable in your own skin and strong enough to be fine either way, the outcome usually ends up in your favor. when you are calm and unstressed, and take things in stride, usually, like 99% of the time, you will get what you want.if you dont get what you want, then what you have received actually is what you wanted becasue you are strong enough to accept things any way they go and you can see the good in having things the way they are. i know it sounds crazy, but a calm and collect dimeanor and thoughts towards the best for yourself wil bring about your greatest happiness, which is what we are all striving for. i realize that this is harder than most things you have encountered before, but imagine being happy with the man of your dreams, and put your efforts into smiling and big! because with that positive attitude, you are welcoming all of the good things in life, and that includes this guy if he is right for you. if he loves you the way he says he does, then he will come running back with apologies for putting you and you relationship through that kind of hell. your job now is to find things to be happy about.
Author missfrenchie Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Makes total sense... Probably the most sense I've felt throughout the last week!! Thanks Monkeymaid... I can only try
fiat500 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 does he still come to you? if i were you, i would play hard to get. don't let him so easily kiss you or hold on tight. pretend you are turned off to him. i think if you are readily available to him he will take it for granted. be distant when and if you're with him. if he kisses you and hugs you, don't respond like you want to even though it's hard not to. plan things to do if he comes to you again and go out by yourself and leave him to show that you're an independent woman and don't need a man. he said he wants to see if he could miss you right? Play his game. Let him miss you.
Author missfrenchie Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah Fiat, you're right. But I'm so far from the 'playing games' type, if there is such a thing. I have been more distant when with him, but not to deliberately play games... It's simply because I'm guarding myself... I asked him the other day... How are you meant to miss me if you know you can come back anytime...??? Maybe you're right. Maybe I need to play his game. I'm just scared it will make the situation worse. Games are ****... My heart is not a game...
Author missfrenchie Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 One thing that really hadn't entered my head was that maybe he is scared... My boyfriend has been in Australia for 3 1/2 years. He's from France and was planning to leave in May of this year to go travelling for a year and return to permanate residency here in Australia. I knew this when we met and we talked about the possibility of me going over to meet him... Soon that turned into us going together. Things happened beyond our control and we planned to leave in August instead. I've just sold all of my furniture and will be moving back in with the parentals this weekend, so to save more money for our trip... Someone asked me yesterday if he was possibly scared....?? I never really thought about it to be honest. But looking back on our conversations, he was with his first gf for 5 years and they NEVER lived together... This could seem like a huge commitment on his part so early on and maybe he's getting scared... I have no doubt of his feelings for me. Even after our fights he has said to me that if it was anyone else, he'd have hit the road already and wouldn't bother trying to fix things. But with me... He just can't walk away. Thoughts??
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