Not sure if im making thing complicated with ex

[EYECANDY000]

Now, a few of you guys may know my story. It started a few months ago when I posted on here and stated that my bf thinks I am stupid. He basically called me air headed for asking rhetorical questions. Ex: We were at a gas pump and he asked whats my pin #? and I responded with " it asks for a pin #? giving that I havent been to a lot of gas stations that ask for pin numbers. Anyways, it was a few more episodes that happened like that throughout the day until I guess he got so annoyed with me. By the end of the night he wanted to call it a night, but I cried, and cried and he consoled me and we ended up falling asleep.

 

So fast forward. I posted about him and you guys were so great to give me so much advice and to reassure me that I didnt do anything wrong and how I need to go N/C and let him go. Well I did just that. I posted on here everyday when I felt the urge to call or text him. I went N/c for 2 weeks. and he finally broke down and texted me. Well that has been the start of things.

 

Ever since then we have become more closer. We are still intimate. But he tends to hold on to this friend title.States that he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now, but he wont let me go. Every week I tell him that I cant deal with the friend title and he needs to make up his mind. well he didnt .. said he wants me as a friend and he loves me but just isnt ready right now.

 

also, he has been meeting new people and hanging out with them. his phone is constantly ringing all types of nights. I know that we arent together but i dont know if I am making it complicated like he said. But how can I not care. If we are still doing everything as if we are a couple but without the title. Hes always been 100% truthful with me. I know he loves me. But I just dont know what to do.

 

At times I am strong and tell him I need a little space, but he texts me a few days later and I respond and get wheeled right back into the cycle. and then the next week I am back being hurt because I am still questioning why I am around if he wants to be single.

 

I know this is a long post and Im sorry. but i need help again. we have discussed future plans with each other. Him initiating the convo. I really do love him but i dont want to just let him go. and I definately dont want to just hang around while hes out meeting new friends.

 

He keeps telling me that he wants to marry me, but right now he wants to be single.

 

He is my first love. and I am deeply in love with this man which is why its so hard for me to let go.

 

what should I do?

Edited May 3, 2010 by EYECANDY000

[Kamille]

He claims you're making things complicated???? He's the one who wants to keep you around yet doesn't want a relationship.

 

Eyecandy, it hurts to read your post. He's manipulating you and you're allowing him to do it.

[EYECANDY000]

He claims you're making things complicated???? He's the one who wants to keep you around yet doesn't want a relationship.

 

Eyecandy, it hurts to read your post. He's manipulating you and you're allowing him to do it.

 

 

Kamille,

 

I know it hurts to read my post because it hurts me to write it. I had to stop typing half way through because I am so emotional . I feel like I am torn.

 

Like i said hes always been 100% with me.and I know hes not with these girls romantically. but Im just wondering why hes talking to them if he says he loves me. I understand he wants friends, but am i wrong for declining him of it?

 

he says Im making it complicated because he tells me time and time again he wants to just be friends, and hang out. but he doesnt want to let me go completely.

[Kamille]

I repeat: you're not making thing complicated, he is. I think you're choosing to blame yourself and take accept his argument that "you're" the one who's making things complicated because that's the only way you can justify staying in the relationship. But the fact is, I repeat, he's manipulating you.

 

And Eyecandy... what do you mean he's always been 100% with him? Are you, again, not letting him out of your sight for fear he will hook up with one of those girls? Please realize that's not a healthy basis for a relationship.

 

Sweetie, I think the issue is bigger than what LS can handle. You say yourself you feel torn and emotional. Yes, you are in an emotionally exhausting situation. The thing is, as long as he gets to have his cake and eat it too, he has no incentive to let you go or make you his gf. If this situation is making you miserable, you will have to decide to leave. He'll never do it for you.

 

The question here is this: is this relationship making you happy? If not, YOU have to stand up for yourself and do what is right for YOU. In my opinion, what is right is seeking outside support (I'm thinking therapy here) and walking away from this unhealthy situation.

 

Have you sought therapy about any of this?

[EYECANDY000]

 

And Eyecandy... what do you mean he's always been 100% with him? Are you, again, not letting him out of your sight for fear he will hook up with one of those girls? Please realize that's not a healthy basis for a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He always tell me who hes talking to. If I want to read his text messages he will allow it. I have learned to distace myself from him. I do a pretty good job when I am invested in it. I will totally de tach myself from him. I wont go anywhere near his house. Considering the fact that the gym I joined is the same direction as him house, now I go to a gym on the other side of the city. not that far away though. But, I just get wheeled back in when I respond to his texts.

 

The question here is this: is this relationship making you happy? If not, YOU have to stand up for yourself and do what is right for YOU. In my opinion, what is right is seeking outside support (I'm thinking therapy here) and walking away from this unhealthy situation.

 

 

Have you sought therapy about any of this?

 

No, Ive never considered therapy because I do feel like I have a handle on things. I guess until he contacts me. My weakness is telling him no. I have done it before though. I have told him that I need some time. and to not contact me . But like I stated earlier, since a few months ago we have gotten a lot closer , mentally.. This relationship isnt making me hapy, its exausting and draining. Yesterday we had the discussion and he stated "I dont know why you love me so much" I asked why would he say that, and he couldnt give me an answer. I texted him today asking " why did you say you dont know why I love you so much, and he hasnt responded.

[Kamille]

Eyecandy, even if you have a handle on things, feeling exhausted and drained is reason enough to seek outside professional support. I'm guessing this situation is likely doing a number on your self-esteem. Is it?

[EYECANDY000]

Eyecandy, even if you have a handle on things, feeling exhausted and drained is reason enough to seek outside professional support. I'm guessing this situation is likely doing a number on your self-esteem. Is it?

 

 

Coincidentally, its not. I always feel good about myself. I never put myself down . But I tend to put his feelings before mine. Which I need to stop. Because he knows that I turn into complete mush , when it comes to him

[Kamille]

Coincidentally, its not. I always feel good about myself. I never put myself down . But I tend to put his feelings before mine. Which I need to stop. Because he knows that I turn into complete mush , when it comes to him

 

It's good that you feel good about yourself... but then I struggle to understand why you would have such difficulties establishing healthy boundaries with this man.

[TaraMaiden]

Coincidentally, its not. I always feel good about myself. I never put myself down . But I tend to put his feelings before mine. Which I need to stop. Because he knows that I turn into complete mush , when it comes to him

There's a difference between putting someone else first, and being a complete and utter doormat.

 

You know that it feels good to put another person first, and you get a good feeling from it, and a warm and loving sensation, - Because They Are Doing The Same To You. that's gratifying, satisfying and wholly rewarding, because it's a mutual Love.

 

Putting the other person first, while they yank your chain, create confusion, manipulate you and make you think (purposely or otherwise) that the one creating confusion is you - is being the classic doormat.

I hate to say it, but I really don't get a genuine feeling here, of you feeling good about yourself.

I get a feeling of someone desperately wanting to feel good about herself - but knowing the picture's incomplete, because of the crap her FWB is creating for her.

because that's what he is.

A FWB.

A Phukkbuddy.

he's meeting other people?

You are soooo being manipulated here.....

[EYECANDY000]

There's a difference between putting someone else first, and being a complete and utter doormat.

 

You know that it feels good to put another person first, and you get a good feeling from it, and a warm and loving sensation, - Because They Are Doing The Same To You. that's gratifying, satisfying and wholly rewarding, because it's a mutual Love.

 

Putting the other person first, while they yank your chain, create confusion, manipulate you and make you think (purposely or otherwise) that the one creating confusion is you - is being the classic doormat.

I hate to say it, but I really don't get a genuine feeling here, of you feeling good about yourself.

I get a feeling of someone desperately wanting to feel good about herself - but knowing the picture's incomplete, because of the crap her FWB is creating for her.

because that's what he is.

A FWB.

A Phukkbuddy.

he's meeting other people?

You are soooo being manipulated here.....

 

 

I do feel good about myself when hes not in the picture. At one point when the relationship ended and I started to pick up the pieces it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt care free again. I joined a gym which was something I always wanted to do. I started eating better. I started hanging out with friends. but then once he contacted me, I was back to feeling shi**y again. I love the time we spend togther. but then weeks into us getting back together its the same ol cycle again. He starts to push me away. and Im back to feeling like crap and asking what are we?

 

By him being honest and allowing me to decide if I still want to be in a so call FWB relationship , do you still feel like hes manipulating me?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

because he knows how you feel about him, and he's purposely playing with your emotions.

he would rather have you as a FWB - even though he knows how intensely you feel about him - than take your feelings i to consideration and stay away.

 

if he had a scrap of respect for you, he would leave you alone, and be decisive about calling it quits.

[EYECANDY000]

Im so new to relationships. Im sorry for asking so many questions. But like I stated before Ive had a few relationships that werent serious, but this is my first serious relationship.

 

So is it ok that he has friends, as long as I know them and meet them? I just dont want to let go completely.. not yet...

I mean I can if I really needed to, but i just want that commitment. and I want to be around when he is ready

[TaraMaiden]

Look.

We can tell you until we are blue in the face that we can see you're being manipulated.

You're either in total denial, or you can see it, but you simply want to keep going because this pain at least means you have something tangible causing the pain.

The anguish and weakness you feel is not love.

The anguish and weakness you feel is hope, despair and a neediness to have something in your life you can say - "Look, I worked hard for this, and it was not good for me, but I would not give up. You can't call me a quitter."

 

You really do need to let go of this.

Absent yourself and deny him entry, unless it is on your terms.

 

Why should it not be?

Why should he have it all his own way?

Why should you be such an easy pushover for him?

What gives him the right to be on the receiving end of all the advantages, whist denying you the dignity and right to be what you need to be?

 

Why is he getting away with this?

[Ilovecake]

Eyecandy, it hurts to read your post. He's manipulating you and you're allowing him to do it.

 

You're being used until he finds someone better. He gets all the good stuff of a relationship without having to put any effort into it and you're completely going along with it. He will tell you you're stupid and belittle you so that you think you should be grateful for the little crumbs the throws your way. As long as you keep going back for more abuse from this jerk it won't stop. He will never commit to you, he has no incentive to. The old adage about getting the milk for free is very true. He knows you're completely devoted to him no matter how he treats you so he's having a good old time. Why do you think he asked you why you love him? He asked you because he can't believe you would put up with all that abuse from him but he figures you're OK with it so he'll keep treating you as a door matt. If I were you I would run for the hills and as far away from this guy as possible.

Edited May 3, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Kamille]

EC, what does this guy have going for him that you love him so much?

 

What does this guy do for you that you think your relationship with him is healthy?

[EYECANDY000]

Well today I told my ex that I really need some time and space. Told if that if it is meant to be in the future then this isn't helping. And that is he wants to be single he needs to be single without me in the picture.

 

Now, is the time for me to re focus on getting myself back together emotionally. Its gone be hard but I've done it before.

[Kamille]

I think it's a very wise decision Eyecandy.

 

Are you okay?

[TaraMaiden]

Well done Eyecandy, that must have taken a lot of guts, and I expect that while you were telling him this, you were feeling gutwrenched inside.

But you know it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Really, it is, and I think it was extremely brave and forward-thinking of you to do that.

 

Could I ask, what was his response? What was his reaction?

 

Now you know the way to go, don't you?

go No Contact, and stick with us. Post all you want, vent all you want, seek all the support you want, from us.

You don't have to do this alone.

But you do have to do this.....

[EYECANDY000]

I think it's a very wise decision Eyecandy.

 

Are you okay?

 

I wish I could say that I'm ok. But I do thank and appreciate everything you've said in the past and now kamille.

[EYECANDY000]

Well done Eyecandy, that must have taken a lot of guts, and I expect that while you were telling him this, you were feeling gutwrenched inside.

But you know it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Really, it is, and I think it was extremely brave and forward-thinking of you to do that.

 

Could I ask, what was his response? What was his reaction?

 

Now you know the way to go, don't you?

go No Contact, and stick with us. Post all you want, vent all you want, seek all the support you want, from us.

You don't have to do this alone.

But you do have to do this.....

 

He was a little surprised. Was wondering what brought all this on. I told him that I'm seeing to much and hearing to much to still be in the picture. A lot of info I don't need to know. And althoigh I'm glad that he is honest with me but it still hurts to hear.

 

He pretty much agreed that we need to seperate for a while . And if its meant to be then it will be. The convo was very brief.

 

I do know the way to go. I know I need to go N/c and stick to it. I've always done a good job of it, but everytime days or weeks go past and he text me I would respond. I just feel that hurt all over again. But I'm hoping this is what I need to make myself a stronger person.

[TaraMaiden]

well then, you have to actively decide to change your habit.

Understand now, that this is a cycle. A vicious circle, if you like...

 

You go NC.

It goes for as few weeks.

he contacts you.

You respond.

You get all caught up again.

it gets messy, complicated and you get stressed.

you decide to break it off and regain your sanity.

You go NC.

It goes for as few weeks.

he contacts you.

You respond.

You get all caught up again.

it gets messy, complicated and you get stressed.

you decide to break it off and regain your sanity.

You go NC.

It goes for as few weeks.

he contacts you.

You respond.

You get all caught up again.

it gets messy, complicated and you get stressed.

you decide to break it off and regain your sanity.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat....

 

And you have to break this cycle.

it's not cruel, it's self-preserving.

It's not harsh, it's being kind to yourself.

It's not harmful, you're doing ultimately, the best thing you could.

When he calls you again, in a few weeks, that's when you DON'T respond. That's when you don't get all caught up again.

 

It may sound mean, it may sound as if you're being needlessly cruel, but you have to do this for the good of both of you.

he needs to man up and realise that this can't go on and he's going to have to do some serious growing up.

And you?

You have to be you 100% of the time. not only when he's in the background. but when he's off the radar.

For good.