how to stop being insecure and suspicious of wife

[ConflictedGuy27]

Yeah I guess I should talk to her about how I basically don't trust her the way I used to and why. I hate to do that because I find that when I do stuff like this I tend to end up being accusatory and and I certainly don't want to do that.

 

Talking to her is fine, rdm; however you must act covertly to substantiate what she says.

 

This may come as a shock to you (and I mean this with all due respect to you and your M) but if something is in fact brewing behind the scenes, you must anticipate the STRONG possibility that she'll lie about it.

 

A poster above mentioned the old addage "where there's smoke, there's fire" well we all see that smoke. And you better believe if there's an affair brewing -lies are inevitable.

 

Talking to her is fine, but if she misleads you with her words, you're screwed. Go covert my friend. I learned how to put a keylogger together on YouTube actually. It was free. I just followed the steps and in 20 mins I was recording key strokes. I have no programming experience either.

[Owl]

OK, I'm an action oriented kinda guy. Here's my take...actions speak louder than words.

 

She's destroyed your trust in her by lying to you by ommission. She deliberately, intentionally didn't reveal the whole truth of things because she knew that you' wouldn't agree with what she did otherwise. The truth came out only by a drunken slip of the lips.

 

If you want her to rebuild your trust in her (notice that it's HER job to do so), then you need to take action to verify that her words match her actions from now until your trust is restored.

 

Talk to her as you'd planned. Tell her what you're feeling, and why. See what she says. See if she agrees to end contact with him, or see if she refuses to do so and instead spins it back on you, calling you insecure/etc... (this is a tactic called 'gaslighting' byt the way....look it up).

 

If she refuses to end contact with him or gaslights you into not pushing it further with her...then you know she's hiding something.

 

If she agrees, then you still need to 'see' that her actions follow her words. That's where the keylogger and cell phone records come in. You can use these to see that she's holding to her word, without her knowledge. If she is...then she's rebuilding your trust in her without even knowing that she's doing so.

 

If she's not...then at least you know the truth of the situation and can take appropriate action from there.

 

But if she agrees, and you DON'T 'check up on her'...then you'll still never know if she's telling the truth, and trust will never be built.

 

Don't look at it as spying on her trying to catch her doing something wrong...look at it as verifying that she's doing things right, and the trust is being rebuilt.

 

Think about it. If you know she's likely to lie about this if it IS more than 'just friends'...then how can you possibly accept just words as proof that it is that way?

 

You need "proof", one way or another.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Owl just layed out your plan, my friend.

Post #27 is your only play at this point.

 

Let us know what you discover.

Only time and what you discover over these next days/weeks will dictate how you should proceed.

 

Let me add offer one other element:

if you find a bombshell, or some conclusive form of proof confirming the A, DO NOT confront her immediatly. I incorage you to resist should you find such evidence. Understand that if you do find some hard hitting stuff you MUST internalize that from that point forward YOUR WORDS MEAN JACK SH*T!

 

If she is having an A, there's no magic conversation with the power to reverse her wayward feelings. Communicating by ACTION, not words is the way to proceed if you discover a worse case scenerio.

 

Whatever you do or don't find. Stay cool as best you can for atleast 1 day to determine how to proceed.

[rdmcnutt]

Yeah, I just can't spy on her with keylogger etc.. I just couldn't do that to her no matter what she is or isn't doing. If it turned out she was innocent I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I spied on her like that. I think I'll talk to her about it, and then keep my eyes and ears open extra wide though.

[SouthernSunshine]

 

She told you where she was and what she was doing....If she *was* up to something suss, wouldn't she just not tell you at all??

I mean, she was interstate for work...she could have done whatever the hell she wanted and said nothing and you wouldn't be any wiser.

 

But she rang you and told you what she was doing. That doesn't sound like the actions of a woman who is trying to hide a secret relationship.

 

Exactly, that's what she wants it to look like! It's manipulation. She treats her husband like a friend by telling him only half of the story. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty familiar with cheating & manipulation..

[jmargel]

I really urge you to NOT talk to your wife at this point. She is just going to downplay your feelings and cover up better the relationship she has with this guy.

 

There are certain signs to look for in these situations and when my wife was cheating they came up.

 

1) My wife laid 'blanket statements' on me. Telling me i'm no good, controlling, prying into her privacy

 

2) Big sign: You're paranoid, you're nuts. Nothing is going on. Those are terms used over and over again. Becoming defensive. Anytime the topic was brought up she would change it completely or somehow turn it around on me

 

3) Kept her cell phone out of my sight, actually went to the point of putting his number under her step-mom's name on the phone. So when they would talk it looked like she was talking to her step mom.

 

4) Lack of sex, no affection. Felt like I was living with a friend, not even a good friend at that.

 

5) My gut instinct was YELLING at me. It conflicted totally with what she was telling me that nothing was going on. It put me into an emotional breakdown. It took a psychologist to tell me that 'I' wasn't crazy, that she was cheating and it was her way of defending it all.

 

Get a keylogger, install it. Disable your anti-virus. You need to get the info. Don't trust what she says. She will try to minimize the damage and tell you things you want to hear. Check the cell phone records on line. Find out who this guy's wife is and contact her. I'm sure she might have some info that you don't know.

 

These kind of stories happen all the time unfortunetly. Mine was like this, it was an ex-bf of hers. What you need here is resolution. It's emotionally draining going through this. And NO you are NOT insecure. It's your own mind and body that is telling you something is wrong. Don't ever go against your gut instinct. Your wife will lie to you, however your instinct won't.

 

Get into her facebook page, her email, her cell records. Find the truth.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Yeah, I just can't spy on her with keylogger etc.. I just couldn't do that to her no matter what she is or isn't doing. If it turned out she was innocent I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I spied on her like that. I think I'll talk to her about it, and then keep my eyes and ears open extra wide though.

 

Whatever you decide to do is your call, Mcnutt.

Please understand that you can't have it both ways.

 

If it's your goal to learn the truth of the matter, you've only got two options: investigate your W yourself; or have someone else investigate her for you (I.e. private investigator).

 

If you choose neither of the two options, the fact of the matter is you are chosing to proceed with a severe handicap.

 

Either an A is happening, is in the works, or she's telling the truth & nothing's going on. Based on what your gut is telling you, there's something worth investigating - obviously we agree with your gut sentiment.

 

I'll tell you this Mcnutt, I would have much preferred to catch my ex W's A during the development stage - as I didn't want to divorce her. But by the time I discovered it, she was Waaaaay in the fog. Nothing could be done.

[FryFish]

Yeah, I just can't spy on her with keylogger etc.. I just couldn't do that to her no matter what she is or isn't doing. If it turned out she was innocent I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I spied on her like that. I think I'll talk to her about it, and then keep my eyes and ears open extra wide though.

Look, if you arent willing to investigate(its not spying) then DONT talk to her about it. If you talk to her about it and there IS something going on then you are not going to hear another word about it until she asks for a divorce... no matter how "open" you keep your ears. And no matter what she says during your talk your fear and mistrust will NOT be alleviated. Your gut, and an entire forum of experienced people, are telling you something is up. Now you must either confirm that something is up, via covert investigations, or try to go on pretending you trust your wife...

[jnj express]

You got all the red flags you need, in the tony deal----She doesn't tell you about tony---and she tells her Bro. to shut up about tony----She doesn't want you to know tony exists, but he does----You better forget this knight in shining armor attitude, and find out what is going on, cuz you are about to go from that knight into the perfect storm---once in that storm your life WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. Look out, there are large red flags waving EVERYWHERE.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then about 6 months ago she went to Las Vegas for a conference for work. She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him.

 

kinda left that part out before telling you she was going to dinner with him eh?

And just what are the chances she and he are there at that same time...what are the odds? Or does Joe live in Vegas?

 

Sounds like your wife might have thought Joe's wife would try to contact you, so she headed it off at the pass. My gut is that she is telling half truths to cover up a whole lie.

 

I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine.

 

splitting a bottle of wine in front of the Bellagio fountain? Who the hell does that if it is just a couple friends meeting up. really

 

 

I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate.

 

yup, and you can bet your booties that she told him she is going to Vegas on business and he went there to meet her. I think its safe to assume this was all planned.

 

 

I don’t think she is having an affair or anything.

 

then whats the problem?

 

 

I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes.

 

if you don't think she is having an affair, then what is there to be suspicious about. I think you really do think she is messing around, just don't want to admit it. Trust me bud, I've been in denial myself.

 

 

I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/

 

As long as you have a wife that engages in suspicious activity, there is nothing you can do unless you can simply put it all out of your mind.

 

This whole thing stinks. I think it was pre-planned, facts omitted...and if Joe's wife was upset about it, it tells me that she believes that something went on.

 

Tell me the night she went out to dinner, what was the timeline of phone contact you had with her? You said you talked to her the next day. So you didn't talk to her after dinner? If not, again, my gut says its because he was with her the whole night.

 

If by some chance I had dinner with someone on business of the opposite sex, then I'd be calling my significant other at least before I went to bed. Now, that doesn't mean one couldn't call at the end of the night and then sneak back out to mess around. But the fact that she didn't call you after the dinner is all too telling. Dinner with an X, info that she omitted to you, who just happened to bring a bottle of wine to watch one of the most romantic scenes in the US, the Bellagio fountain, and no contact the rest of that night?

 

Your suspicions are not unfounded.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

For you to be posting on this website, you must be suspicious.

 

Without question, the greatest indicator of an affair is your gut/suspicion.

 

Then....most of us investigate and discover an affair.

Most affairs are not volunteered info, they are discovered by a suspicious spouse.

 

DO NOT TALK TO YOUR WIFE ON THIS MATTER AT ALL.

 

You MUST check it out to discover the truth.

If you talk, she will deny......and then cover her tracks.

 

Spying is not part of a healthy relationship.

However, if she is doing nothing wrong....THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCOVER.

[username24]

So why was your wife's ex in Vegas? Was he there for the same conference?

[You Go Girl]

I'm against the keylogger. I may be in the camp that believes--if you have to go to that kind of extreme, maybe you're too distant from each other already, and maybe it's already over.

And that's a very strong reaction to a dinner, and the mention offhandedly of some guy that her brother and she both know.

Communication is key here. Direct communication-eye to eye.

Telling her that he feels suspicious, that he feels insecure about this dinner, and then see how she responds.

Honesty on his part at this point, and maybe the guilt will affect her if she is taking this to a flirting level on facebook.

Even asking--you aren't going to let this get out of control, are you? Are you and he flirting too much for married people?

Please come and speak to me first if you feel it is crossing the line, don't hide it from me, I want to be close to you and you not to have to hide things.

Honesty.

Not paranoia.

[Darth Vader]

Yeah, I just can't spy on her with keylogger etc.. I just couldn't do that to her no matter what she is or isn't doing. If it turned out she was innocent I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I spied on her like that. I think I'll talk to her about it, and then keep my eyes and ears open extra wide though.

 

 

Ok, then how is she about her cell phone? Is she very protective of it? Check her cell phone!

[Iconoclast]

Yeah, I just can't spy on her with keylogger etc.. I just couldn't do that to her no matter what she is or isn't doing. If it turned out she was innocent I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I spied on her like that. I think I'll talk to her about it, and then keep my eyes and ears open extra wide though.

 

Nonsense. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy in a marriage. If it effects the marriage you should know about it, and there is nothing wrong with finding the truth on your own if the source has damaged their credibility, and she has done that.

 

She's hiding something, it may be innocent, and she's minimizing it because she does not want to you to worry, or there is something more nefarious. Two vastly different outcomes from the same input. She's already lied to protect you or to deceive you. She is not a reliable source.

 

Affairs follow a pretty predictable pattern and your original post sounds like the beginning of so many horror stories out there. Don't believe me. Just go look.

[Dexter Morgan]

So why was your wife's ex in Vegas?

 

anyone can see that it was planned ahead of time

[rdmcnutt]

He lives there and apparently she emailed him that she would be there on business that week.

[Gman95670]

I am having trouble trusting my wife completely again. Until about 6 months ago I never mistrusted her in ANY way whatsoever. I would have been fine with her splitting a room with another guy if she were traveling on business (that never happened…just an example) and never thought twice about it. Then about 6 months ago she went to Las Vegas for a conference for work. She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him. I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine. I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate. I don’t think she is having an affair or anything. I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes. I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/

 

If it were me, I would try to get in contact with the wife of the ex boyfriend to see why she was so upset over them having dinner. Was she told about the dinner ahead of time? Did something happen at the dinner that caused her some concern? Talking to her may help you understand whether you really have something to worry about. It could be that the picture your wife is painting is true and correct.

[Darth Vader]

He lives there and apparently she emailed him that she would be there on business that week.

 

 

Sounds like a call for sex, you know, for old times sake!

[Darth Vader]

If it were me, I would try to get in contact with the wife of the ex boyfriend to see why she was so upset over them having dinner. Was she told about the dinner ahead of time? Did something happen at the dinner that caused her some concern? Talking to her may help you understand whether you really have something to worry about. It could be that the picture your wife is painting is true and correct.

 

 

I keep seeing this, about contacting OM's wife, I would, to see what's upsetting her. Just contact her already and get the rest of the story! You do want to see if your wife's explanation will hold water. Or, you will have more pieces of the puzzle, either way, you just gotta know!

[You Go Girl]

I keep seeing this, about contacting OM's wife, I would, to see what's upsetting her. Just contact her already and get the rest of the story! You do want to see if your wife's explanation will hold water. Or, you will have more pieces of the puzzle, either way, you just gotta know!

 

NO.

If I was the author's wife, and found out that he called the OM's wife to see why she was suspicious--and I was innocent, I would be pissed off beyond words.

You don't just go calling strangers like this on scant suspicions. Riling up their world, making that OW even more upset than she already is, she would speak to her H about the phone call, her H would call the author's W about it, and the whole thing becomes a HUGE mess.

Honest open communication with the wife. That's it, it starts and ends there unless there is some reason to suspect her guilty of things.

My gawd, people do meet up from time to time with people from their past. Doesn't make them immediately guilty of adultery.

[FryFish]

Honest open communication with the wife. That's it, it starts and ends there unless there is some reason to suspect her guilty of things.

You read the whole story?

My gawd, people do meet up from time to time with people from their past. Doesn't make them immediately guilty of adultery.

Not always, but it is VERY likely in this case.

1. She lied about meeting him to begin with

2. She lied about WHO he was.

3. She lied about "Tony"

4. She split a bottle of alcohol that night with him

5. The other betrayed spouse thinks something is wrong.

6. and most importantly, his gut is telling him something is not right.

[You Go Girl]

You read the whole story?

Not always, but it is VERY likely in this case.

1. She lied about meeting him to begin with

2. She lied about WHO he was.

3. She lied about "Tony"

4. She split a bottle of alcohol that night with him

5. The other betrayed spouse thinks something is wrong.

6. and most importantly, his gut is telling him something is not right.

 

Yes, I read the entire thread.

Don't recall her lying about meeting him to begin with.

She didn't lie about who he was--she told him LATER that he used to be more than a friend. I agree, this was less than a perfect call on her part.

The Tony thing is really vague...all we know is 'shut up' to brother. Yes, that sounds suspicious, so he should confront her about Tony, but we can't just jump to conclusions.

Adults split bottles of wine all the time, but yes, it could have led to other things.

The other spouse is upset, but to call her betrayed at this point is a stretch.

 

His gut--if his w is lying, he isn't going to find evidence, and she won't own up to it.

He will have to watch her present and future behavior, and he should. If she's a cheater, she will mess up, leave evidence, or be sloppy in her lies.

I'm always going to be in the innocent until proven guilty camp, not the guilty until proven innocent camp. But in no way am I telling him to turn a blind eye, quite the opposite--keep one eye open until things are made clear, and they will be--there is no reason to act rashly.

[jnj express]

Other guy's wife found out on her own---probably knows her H. messes around. Am willing to bet other things happened after wine was polished off----their in vegas, they could have gone anywhere and had sex, and his wife sure isn't gonna tell him about the sex.

 

Too many suspicious things going on here, for OP to waive this off. Problem is OP DOES NOT WANT TO CONFRONT HIS PROBLEM. He is here going thru lip service, instead of taking this thing on. He has all the advice he needs, to know how to deal with his suspicions, but I guess I can't blame him, thinking something might be happening, but not knowing for sure is a whole lot different than KNOWING, your wife is spreading her legs for other guys.

 

OP will do what has to be done when the right time comes. His problem is the right time, was long ago, and far away.

[Gman95670]

NO.

If I was the author's wife, and found out that he called the OM's wife to see why she was suspicious--and I was innocent, I would be pissed off beyond words.

You don't just go calling strangers like this on scant suspicions. Riling up their world, making that OW even more upset than she already is, she would speak to her H about the phone call, her H would call the author's W about it, and the whole thing becomes a HUGE mess.

Honest open communication with the wife. That's it, it starts and ends there unless there is some reason to suspect her guilty of things.

My gawd, people do meet up from time to time with people from their past. Doesn't make them immediately guilty of adultery.

 

Just a reminder that this would not be a call based on "scant suspicions." It was rdmcnutt's wife who said the ex-boyfriend's wife was "very upset about the dinner." In my book, that is enough to give him license to do some checking in with the ex-boyfriends wife.