how to stop being insecure and suspicious of wife

[rdmcnutt]

I am having trouble trusting my wife completely again. Until about 6 months ago I never mistrusted her in ANY way whatsoever. I would have been fine with her splitting a room with another guy if she were traveling on business (that never happened…just an example) and never thought twice about it. Then about 6 months ago she went to Las Vegas for a conference for work. She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him. I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine. I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate. I don’t think she is having an affair or anything. I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes. I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/

[mem11363]

Why do you think there may be something substantive to this?

 

How does she treat you? Is she really into you or not so much?

 

If she is really into you, why would she cheat?

 

Pay attention to how she treats YOU, if she suddenly withdraws, loses her sexual desire for you etc. that is when you want to install a keylogger.

 

Do you have kids?

 

 

I am having trouble trusting my wife completely again. Until about 6 months ago I never mistrusted her in ANY way whatsoever. I would have been fine with her splitting a room with another guy if she were traveling on business (that never happened…just an example) and never thought twice about it. Then about 6 months ago she went to Las Vegas for a conference for work. She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him. I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine. I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate. I don’t think she is having an affair or anything. I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes. I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/

[rdmcnutt]

we have one child. and no, she does not show very much sexual interest for the last 2 years. i pretty much initiate everything.

[Owl]

Try telling your wife how you feel about her continued contact with him, about how it's made you uncomfortable and also that it's clear that his wife isn't comfortable with it either...and ask her point blank to break off contact with him. Ask her to do it for you, if nothing else.

 

What she says next will be very telling.

 

What she DOES next will be even moreso.

[JustJoe]

Dude, You are acting as if YOU had the problem, and the lack of trust is somehow your fault. You need to stop being the victim, and take charge of the situation. Since she obviously lied to you, you need to get to the bottom of this and find out what's going on. This isn't about your insecurity, it's about her respect for you as a husband. Owl is right, this contact between the guy and your wife is inappropriate to say the least, and has already damaged both marriages. It has to stop. You must lay it on the line to your wife, and see what she does next. That will give you a lot of info about what happened or did'nt happen.

[PhoenixRise]

If you have never been insecure or suspicious of your wife before then what is happening now is that your instincts are screaming at you.

 

Something is not right about your wife and this friend/exboyfriend.

 

I'm not saying they are having a physical relationship but perhaps they are getting too close emotionally.

 

Pay attention to what your instincts are telling you.

 

Tell your wife you are uncomfortable with the friendship and you want her to end it since both you and his wife have a problem with it.

 

Or tell your wife you want to invite her friend and his wife to dinner. See what she says.

 

Whatever you do, don't ignore your instincts.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I agree with the others here. Trust your instincts and investigate this further.

 

Seeing how she's already demonstrated her willingness to lie - e.g. not telling you the guy was an ex boy friend - you may want to move forward to installing a keylogger.

 

Understand that affairs develop in private and by the time a mistake is made and it surfaces it's often too difficult for most marriages to overcome; more so after they've gone physical.

 

You're correct to be worried, my friend.

 

1. She lied by omission, and on purpose;

2. The nature of what you were told about your wife and the OM's encounter was terribly inappropriate;

3. You do not know what actually occured in Vegas.

 

Your senses and the OM's wife's senses going off @ the same time are no coincidence.

 

If I were you, I'd play it this way:

 

1. Install keylogger w/o her knowing

2. Talk with her about how your were disappointed that she would go out with another guy and how inappropriate it is. I would also throw in for good measure, something to the effect of - "I know neither of us would have an emotional or physical affair. I would absolutely expect you to do what you have to do if you found out I was breaking our vows."

 

I wouldn't even discuss it. I would just throw the warning out there.

 

3. Be the best husband you can be, while monitoring the situation; & finally

4. If things appear okay, I would suggest you go some place fun, a date type thing and have a great time - followed up with a suggestion to go to marriage counseling so that you two can help each other build a really fun marriage.

 

Sell it that way.

That's assuming you find no evidence over time.

[rdmcnutt]

I want to tell her to axe this guy, but the problem is he is part of her circle of friends from college. I don't want her friends to see me as the super controlling a-hole husband. More importantly I don't want my wife to see me that way...

[BB07]

I have a suggestion that is not as extreme as keyloggers and all that jazz. How about having a really heartfelt talk with her and telling her how you feel as you've told us. Tell her what would make you feel better and one suggestion would be is to ask her for access to her F/B account. If she reluctantly agrees on the spot, then your worries are pretty much over. If it causes WWIII, then you may have a problem.

[SouthernSunshine]

Oh wow, she's treating YOU like the friend. Listen to your gut instinct, there's probably a lot more to this story than a bottle of wine in Vegas.

[Owl]

I want to tell her to axe this guy, but the problem is he is part of her circle of friends from college. I don't want her friends to see me as the super controlling a-hole husband. More importantly I don't want my wife to see me that way...

 

I know this feeling well.

 

My wife had several online friends via an MMORPG we used to play, and one guy in particular that she spent a lot of time "in game" with.

 

Their daily contact went to include IM'ing each other outside of game as well, and this made me uncomfortable.

 

I mentioned that to her, and she told me that I had nothing to worry about...they were just friends!

 

My feelings just got worse and worse about the whole situation, but I always backed off, because I didn't want to be that jerk who didn't trust his wife.

 

And I went on trusting her, still feeling worse and worse about the situation...right up to the day when I could SEE, plain as day, that she was fighting to get the chat window with him closed so I couldn't see what it said. She tried not to be obvious, but it was apparent that she had something to hide there.

 

Because of that moment, I FINALLY got the courage up to 'snoop'. I managed to get a logger going on her IMs.

 

Five days later, when I finally got access to her computer again....was d-day.

 

She was in love with him, and they were talking about meeting in person to see if it was "real" between them. When confronted, he bought her plane tickets and she agreed to fly off to live with him.

 

Long story short...she didn't, we worked through a LOT of things, and have been reconciled for almost six years now.

 

There's a REASON somewhere causing you to feel the way that you do right now.

 

Is she more distant than she used to be? Spending more time on the computer/phone than she used to?

 

Speaking of which...have you checked her cell phone usage to see if she's been calling/texting this guy a LOT without your knowledge?

 

Something to consider...

[ConflictedGuy27]

I have a suggestion that is not as extreme as keyloggers and all that jazz. How about having a really heartfelt talk with her and telling her how you feel as you've told us. Tell her what would make you feel better and one suggestion would be is to ask her for access to her F/B account. If she reluctantly agrees on the spot, then your worries are pretty much over. If it causes WWIII, then you may have a problem.

 

Normally I would agree that having a heart to heart first as the best approach; however, in my opinion, his W lied about who she was going with and what the agenda was. These lies were by omission, but obviously she did it because she knew (just like the OM's wife knew) that the encounter was inappropriate.

 

If an affair is cooking behind the scenes, then the OP should expect her to mask it during the heart to heart. This was precisely the case in my situation as a BS. My ex lied through her teeth brilliantly... I literally wouldn't have believed myself from the future if I could go back in time and warn myself... She was THAT convincing.

 

All I'm saying is that by putting the key logger in place, you'll very likely know if you're dealing with something like an affair much sooner.

[jwi71]

She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him.

 

Why oh why take the hard way?

 

Look, call Joe's W. Ask her why SHE was angry. Explain to her that you were upset too. Compare notes.

Is it because SHE isn't comfortable with her H seeing an xGF?

Or is it because he too lied by omission?

Both?

Is there something SHE knows you do not?

 

Because IF she is angry for the SAME reasons you are - then there is a conspiracy involving your W and Joe. And they want <whatever> it is to be secret. They would HAVE to be communicating and devising plans and deceptions towards some common goal. Under the radar of course.

 

My friend...NO ONE thinks their spouse is cheating. Until they think so - and usually they're right. I don't know if they are...but something ain't right in Denmark.

 

Clearly you AREN'T the a-hole jealous H - since his W feels the same. You want validation - you got it.

They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate.

Man up and say so. If you know her user name and password, log in and "unfriend him". I'd also mention this to Joe's W.

 

I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/

The keylogger is a GREAT idea. So is checking cell phone records. Turn on "detailed billing" if its not. Take a look for text's or calls to a particular number....

 

I wouldn't go any further than this at this point. I know - you feel guilty about snooping. Guess what...she brought that upon herself. And, after you look...and see nothing...there ya go.

 

And if you look and see something...there ya go.

 

Its a win-win (in terms of getting knowledge).

 

This isnt' YOU being crazy insane jealous guy...Joe's W feels it too.

 

Get ACTIVE and do it NOW.

[seibert253]

Try telling your wife how you feel about her continued contact with him, about how it's made you uncomfortable and also that it's clear that his wife isn't comfortable with it either...and ask her point blank to break off contact with him. Ask her to do it for you, if nothing else.

 

What she says next will be very telling.

 

What she DOES next will be even moreso.

 

The owl once again proves his wisdom.

 

Not to toot my own horn, but exactly what I was thinking.

[Fouts]

How to stop being insecure and suspicious of your wife?

 

Realize that if she really wants to cheat on you, or leave you, that there's nothing you can do about it anyway. Don't sabotage your day to day life worrying about things you can't control. If you have a good relationship, believe in that.

 

Maybe it's a good time to make it clear that if one of you feels they aren't happy or the marriage isn't working, to have the respect for the other and end it before cheating.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been?

[jnj express]

Hey rdmcutt-----Wait a minute here----You took vows with your wife, she took the same vows with you. YOU ARE MARRIED----MARRIED WOMEN DO NOT GO OUT TO DINNER WITH OTHER MEN, SIT AND SPLIT A BOTTLE OF WINE ETC., ETC., ETC.

 

What the He*l do you care about her circle of college friends----are you married to them---DO THEY PAY YOUR BILLS FOR YOU, Do they work on your house, do they handle your emergencies.

 

You are not out of line here---your wife crossed the line and should be apoligizing to you for causing you to worry and have doubts.

 

You get on her RIGHT NOW before anything gets out of hand, if it hasn't allready, and cut this off.

 

You need to, without her knowing check her e-mail, check her social websites, and check her phone---however you can--you do it.

 

You need to prevent anything further from happening RIGHT NOW---If you let it go, and there is something going on, what you will feel, will be a million times worse than what you feel now.

 

Do what you have to, as I said before without her knowing. Watch her for any changes, in any of her previous patterns.---Watch her for changes in lifestyle, and social patterns.

 

Prevention is a must here. You are not being controlling, you are being a worried H.

 

Also since she lied tell her she is to go NC with this XBF, If she doesn't like it, then you have some answers allready---If she is happily married she will comply---If she balks, then you know there are problems----ACTIONS SPEAK WAY LOUDER THAN WORDS

[kittykat84]

Am I the only one that thinks there's nothing suss here?

 

She told you where she was and what she was doing....If she *was* up to something suss, wouldn't she just not tell you at all??

I mean, she was interstate for work...she could have done whatever the hell she wanted and said nothing and you wouldn't be any wiser.

 

But she rang you and told you what she was doing. That doesn't sound like the actions of a woman who is trying to hide a secret relationship.

[rdmcnutt]

good point

[You Go Girl]

Only one thing really concerns me. How come, if they were on facebook, and he lives there, --obviously the meetup was planned BEFORE she took the trip.

So how come she didn't say to her husband--I'm so excited, I'm going to see an old friend for an evening that I haven't seen in many years--yes we were bf and gf back then, but now I just want to see him to catch up...or whatever.

She knew before she took the trip, yet her husband heard nothing of it until she was a thousand miles away and she was in route to meet him.

Maybe I'm disecting this too much........

[rdmcnutt]

actually didn't know he was an ex until after she got back from the evening, when she let it slip out (while she was a little drunk on the phone to me) that the guy's wife was pissed. I inquired further as to why and that's when I found out.

 

Something else happened recently too.... While we were out having dinner with her brother. She and her brother were talking about something with her job. She mentioned someone named Tony. Her brother said oh, you mean your "guy friend" emphasizing those words. She immediately told him to shut up and it didn't go any further. I didnt' think much of it at the time, but now I'm starting to wonder a little. Is there some connotation to the term "guy friend" beyond the plain meaning of those words that I don't know about?

[You Go Girl]

Oh no....the plot thickens......

How come you don't know about Tony and her brother does?

How come this guy Tony gets a special quotation mark around him being a "guy friend"?

Yep! When they get that special quotation mark around the word "friend" something isn't right...obviously those quotation marks aren't written in speech--but in a way they sure are--you heard them, didn't you?!

 

I've seen it before on my H's chat session.........ugghhhhhhhh

 

And how come she told him to shut up? Find out about Tony asap. Ask her about why she told her brother to shut up, and that it made you naturally suspicious. I mean, who wouldn't be? RED FLAG.

[Owl]

So now that you've posted your story, you've got nearly an overwhelming response from everyone telling you the same thing...there is a reason for you to be concerned, and you need to do something about it.

 

What's your plan from here?

[rdmcnutt]

Yeah I guess I should talk to her about how I basically don't trust her the way I used to and why. I hate to do that because I find that when I do stuff like this I tend to end up being accusatory and and I certainly don't want to do that.

[JustJoe]

Mcnutt, there is an old saying, "where there's smoke, there's fire". The reason that these old sayings are still around, is because they are usually true. After hearing about "Tony", and with all the other stuff, I think that you have a really big problem and need to find out about all of this stuff. At this point, you need to worry about getting truthful answers, and forget about whether or not you are being accusatory. She is clearly lying to you and disrespecting you and is probably having at least an EA and possibly more. Sorry that you have to go through this.