GrnEyedGemini Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hello...I used to post on here quite a bit then took a hiatus when no one would really help me. But, I'm having private, inside my head issues again, so I thought I'd give LS another try. My situation has changed dramatically since my last post last year. I kicked the lying SOB I had been with for 4 years to the curb. So glad I'm through with that chapter of my life. And I'm excited about the one that is unfolding in front of me: I met Thomas years before my ex and I were over, but I never gave him much thought. After the liar and I broke up, he saw his chance and swept me off my feet. I am so completely in love with this man...I never imagined someone loving me as much as he does and me loving someone as much as I do him. He is 10 yrs older, but we have more in common than anyone I have ever met. Anyways, I digress. We got engaged March 17 of this year and are planning to get married March 17th of next year in Oahu, Hawaii on the beach at sunset. I found my dress about two weeks ago and absolutely love it! So... Amazing wedding plans, beautiful dress, wonderful man of my dreams...but...I don't feel nearly as happy as I always thought I would. And I don't think it has to do with the actual wedding or upcoming life change. I think it's the fact that I feel like noone but my fiance and my dad really care about me. Right after we got engaged, I asked who I thought was my best friend, Ashley, to be my maid of honor and my sister-in-law to be my bridesmaid. Right off the bat Ashley started flaking on me. It was fine, at first, because I've gotta face it, she's got kids, I don't. But then, I planned to go dress shopping a month and a half a head of time...and she still wouldn't commit to coming with me. She wound up not ever getting back to me the week leading up to the shopping day, so I just left without contacting her again. WTF? So, with tension already between us because of her past flakiness, I blew up on her a few days ago. (Needless to say, my sis-n-law is now my Matron of Honor.) I don't mean to sound like a bridezilla, but it's my wedding, my special day...Isn't the bride's friends and family supposed to make the bride feel special? Not to mention, my mother has nothing to do with me anymore. She's so far up her new husbands @$$ that she won't even take time to be excited with me. She wouldn't even go dress shopping when I asked her to go with my sis-n-law and me. My dad tries, bless his heart, to be excited with me...but...he's a man...he just doesn't get it, ya know? Besides, it's gotta be hard for him to get excited when he knows he's footing the bill, lol. Last night, Thomas and I were watching some wedding show and they were discussing the bridal shower and all that...and Thomas turned to me and said so when's your bridal shower? I couldn't even say anything. I know it's still early, 11 months away, but I honestly don't see anyone throwing me a bridal shower. Or Bachelorette party. None of that. And it hurts. It really does. I told him that unless a miracle happened and suddenly I became more likeable, I most likely wouldn't have one. And he got upset. Which made me upset even more. Then he said he'd talk to my dad about that and see if he'd throw one for me. Lol. Which of course made me laugh at the image of my dad trying to throwing a girly bridal shower, lol. Also, I don't want a pity-party. My point is I guess, I feel more alone since I've been planning this wedding than I ever have before. I see now who really cares about me and my life...and there's hardly anyone there. Every single one of my friends that I have done the bridesmaid thing for...(and I was a great bridesmaid, I helped the brides with any and everything they needed me to do, on top of helping with bridal showers and bachelorette parties)...are so wrapped up in their lives, they just don't seem to want to make time for me. I'm not the type of person that is pushy and tells them to do this, do that. I feel like, if they want to help, be involved, show they care, then they'd make an effort to contact me, ask me, or show interest in some other way. But no one does/has. Well, I can't say no one. My sister-in-law has really been great. But she lives three hours away and works and goes to school just like I do. She's the only one that has actually tried to be there for me. Most people I talk to whine about the planning process and how it's so hard, blah blah blah. For me, the planning process has actually been the least stressful portion...looking for the support I need has actually been the worst part of this whole process. I feel like I'm whining about stupid stuff, but I was just wondering if this is something a lot of brides go through, or am I just getting screwed?
spookie Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I'm sorry. I don't think most brides go through this, and it sucks that people you have emotionally invested in, have been unwilling to return the effort. For what it's worth, I have few girl friends, so if I ever get married, the same thing will probably happen to me... Look at the bright side though. You've found the right man, and you know he cares. Your dad cares. I would guess that a lot of people who seem to have a lot of friends around them, actually have much less where it counts.
Lipsy10 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I'm sorry your friends have let you down when you where there for them on their special days. Maybe there is an element of jealousy. Or maybe they where never true friends in the first place. Whatever the reason forget everybody else. You've met a great man and you deserve to be happy. This wedding is about you and your OH. Noone else matters. Let nothing and noone affect your happiness.
allina Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I'm sorry to hear you're disappointed BEG. I'm in a sort of similar situation. I have never had a huge, close circle of girlfriends. While the handful of girls I am close with have touched and impressed me, I am not having a bridal shower, or even a bridal party (MOH/brides maids) I know that we're told that for our wedding we must have the 10 brides maids, have someone throw us the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, and all that stuff. But truth is, it doesn't usually work that way. Some women have the whole neatly packaged deal, some put on a facade and some just enjoy what they have. My suggestion is to see the positives in what you do have, a great fiance, a father that supports you and a FSIL who is becoming a great friend AND family in all of this. You can also reach out to your mother and tell her that you would love for her to be more included. Not "You don't even care!" but "I would love to have my mom be a part of this." I'm sure people care more than you realize, but remember what they say, "no one will ever care as much about your wedding as you do." It's not that they don't care about YOU, it's just that with the drama/stress and responsibility of everyday life it's hard for people to dote on the bride.
make me believe Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Honestly, nobody is going to care about your wedding as much as you want them to or think they should. Especially MONTHS beforehand. Some people have female friends/relatives who get excited about shopping for wedding dresses, helping you plan things, etc. But a lot of people just aren't like that -- they don't care about weddings unless it's THEIR wedding. And that's ok, even if it can be tough to swallow for the bride. The important thing is you are marrying the man you love! Who cares if you don't have a bachelorette party, or any of those other silly things? Not everybody does all of that. A friend of mine just got married and she didn't have a bridal shower or bachelorette party, and the only attendants at her wedding were her sister and her husband's brother. The important things are the vows, the marriage, and your new life together. Not any of that other stuff we're told we "should" have.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 How have your relationships with your women friends been functioning? Have you consistently stayed connected and made time to spend with them over the years, through your former bad relationship and now this good one? Lots of young women and girls just check out on their female friends when they are busy with a guy. I do wonder about how you comport yourself in your friendships just because one phrase of your OP jumps out at me: you left the fora because no one "WOULD" help you. Not no one could, not no one did ... no one WOULD. And now your girlfriends WON'T step up for you. Whether you've done this or not, I really don't think many of us have any friends who are going to be all excited about wedding planning a year in advance. Yes, it is going to be your "special day" in about a full year. Your specialness is going to be rather dilute for much of that time, I am afraid.
Tethys Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Gemini - I hope someone comes through for you on the shower--it still sounds kind of early. Having said that though, my wife and I a really small wedding (about 25 people) at a local inn/lodge and it was really nice. And despite not having a big reception, it was amazing to see how many people sent us cards, checks or bought us a gift--people I never talk to (I'm a very anti-social guy and don't keep in touch with anyone but 1 or 2 of my guy friends). You're so lucky to have someone you really like and it's all about the two of you any way at your wedding.
SuburbanOblivion Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Truthfully, I'd quit watching the bridal shows. IMO they are just pumping up your expectations of what you 'should' have, instead of letting you focus on what's realistic for your life and your situation. FWIW my circle is rather small and intimate too, and because of that I won't be doing the usual trappings either. But then again I've not once looked at this as 'my day'. It's a day we are going to get our friends and family together for a cool ceremony and a killer party afterwords. It's not about me, it's about us and our community.
astromantic Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I feel the need to step up and speak on the other side of it: I just completed my duties as Maid Of Honour last night for an old friend's wedding. I'm a little younger, we're in our mid-20s and I've known her since the seventh grade. I was of course happy for her union but speaking as a bridesmaid, it was stressful. Sometimes when I was asked/demanded to do certain things to make the bride's special day I wondered to myself "why do I have to do everything to appease you?" Quite frankly I don't plan to ask this bride to become my bridesmaid in the future come my turn because I know her natural personality. She's a bit of a flake as she was kinda flakey with her own wedding. However because she never raised her voice and always asked graciously, I was able to put up with everything. A few months before the wedding I told her I would like to plan a small bachelorette for her but she turned it into a 50 people co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party. It was the most stressful event for me, I had to take care of getting almost everything, I had to ask my boyfriend to help me and only one of the bridesmaid truly tried to help me get some of the stuff for the party. The other two bridesmaids just shrugged off the responsibility but kept up the facade that they were there if I needed help. It was only talk. After my experience I know now that, yes a wedding is a special event but it shouldn't go to the point where you burden everyone. Treat it as a day where there is a chance for everyone to come together. But it can't be perfect. The bride moaned in the middle of the day how everything didn't went as planned, that it wasn't perfect - but that's life, I told her. Life is not perfect. You can't plan and make yourself live a fairytale for a day. That screamed 'princess' to me. A lot of people pointed out to me that she won't ever return such a huge favour to me in the future... I don't know if that's true but what's done is done. And now with another friend engaged and wanting me to be her Maid of Honour, I know now that I NEVER want to be a Maid of Honour again.
allina Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 And now with another friend engaged and wanting me to be her Maid of Honour, I know now that I NEVER want to be a Maid of Honour again. That's so sad for your newly engaged friend. Maybe she just really values you as her friend and won't be all demanding like your other friend. I would be so hurt if someone turned down an offer to be my maid of honor or bride's maid
norajane Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Glass half-full or half-empty? It's your choice which way to look at your life as it is right now. Count your blessings - this board is full of people who have heartache and loneliness and who do not have a wonderful man in their lives they plan to marry. And you have a supportive father and SIL. Those joys should not be diminished because everything in your life isn't perfect and you don't have everything you want. Friends come and go, get busy with their lives and lose touch, other people come into your life for a short time and add to it and then move on. People are lucky if they end up with one or two lifelong friends at the end of it all. If you're unhappy with your friendships now, you can change things. You said you're in school - make friends by extending the hand of friendship to the women in your classes. Those friends you were bridesmaid for and who are so wrapped up in their lives...have you kept in touch with them and reached out to them to do something fun or invite them to your home for dinner or offered to baby-sit sometimes so they can go on a date with their husbands? Memorial Day is coming up...why don't you and your fiance throw a barbecue and invite everyone you know, or offer to help someone prepare for their guests. Does your fiance have friends with wives or girlfriends? Invite the girls to get together for a girls night out. Feeling sorry for yourself just makes you more and more unhappy and kills your joy. Choose the glass half-full, and enjoy your life.
astromantic Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 That's so sad for your newly engaged friend. Maybe she just really values you as her friend and won't be all demanding like your other friend. I would be so hurt if someone turned down an offer to be my maid of honor or bride's maid We're all mutual friends.. if she wants to blame someone then she can thank the bride that just got married. It wasn't a good experience for me. So-so at best of times. I plan to offer to be the newly engaged friend as her bridemaid but not the Maid of Honour. Knowing what I know of our personalities, the engaged bride-to-be and I are both very hotheaded and there could potentially be a lot of anger. I want to be part of her special day but in a lesser role ...
suprisinginsight Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I definately know youre not alone on this one. During my wedding, my wife's sister, also her maid of honor. Didn't throw a bridal shower, didn't plan/pay her share of the expense for the bachlorette party nor did she even make it out to attend it at the end my wife ended up paying for her and her sister's share of the actvities at her own bachlorette party. Don't let them ruin it for you. I know theres alot of stress involved in planning a wedding. I'll give you the same advice i gave my wife. "Look for another maid of honor the one you got sucks!" The wife didn't follow my advice but she did add 2 more brides maids to the wedding party. (I assume that she didn't want to upset her sister by giving her the boot) But the 2 new brides maids were sure helpful and relieved alot of stress from the planning at least from my observations
dazzle22 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Most people in reality are very self absorbed in their own lives and will fit you in when it is convenient to do so. This I have learned and I try to set the "high bar" lower for my friends now. Also, you are having a destination wedding, and a destination that it takes several connecting flights to get to,and that is really going to weed out who will make that effort. I would pare down my expectations and just make it about you and him and making it a happy experience for the two of you. And don't watch those bridal shows. They always find the rich successful beautiful, thin woman who is marrying the ultra successful guy, and have 10 girlfriends, BFFs all, perfectly gorgeous, and everything is picture perfect. Never happened in my world, but I had a great wedding nonetheless by just focusing on the two of us. Focus on being grateful that you found this man, and let the rest fall by the wayside, because it is not that important.
allina Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 And don't watch those bridal shows. They always find the rich successful beautiful, thin woman who is marrying the ultra successful guy, and have 10 girlfriends, BFFs all, perfectly gorgeous, and everything is picture perfect. Quoted for truth :laugh: While planning my wedding I got sucked in to those shows, did you guys know Sundays were "Wedding Sundays" on WE?? At first the shows were fun and put me in a festive, excited bride mood, that quickly faded and just left me feeling inadequate.
CandyGirlXO Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry to hear that you're not as happy as you have imagined but CONGRATS!!!! Just remember things could always be worse. I mean for me 2 things come into mind when I read this. Although I have a SMALL group of close female friends I realize they have their own busy life and I have no idea what sorts of things they WOULD have planned for me if ANY. I for one HATE being the center of attention so I personally wouldn't want a BIG wedding or even a wedding at all. It's ALL about the TWO of you finding eachother and spending the rest of your lives together. Consider yourself lucky! Also I don't have anyone to just foot the bill so HEY that's awesome for you. If I ever get married it would be up to my future fiancé and I to pay. So just look at the positives here. I would love to just elope, maybe with just a few other couples/close friends. I'm not close to my parents so that's what I dream of myself. If th man I wanted to marry wanted a family oriented big wedding we would have issues because my side would be empty and I would just be depressed. Congrats!!!!! This should be the most exciting time of your life AND it's FREE! Wow I couldn't imagine. Edited May 25, 2010 by CandyGirlXO
torranceshipman Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 What about a nice meal and cocktails with your sister-in-law and just 1 or 2 more friends? That'd be really nice. Doesn't need to be anything big...it's your time to get happy about your wedding and your big day!
Author GrnEyedGemini Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 As much as I appreciated the fact that so many people actually took the time to comment on something that had bothered me, I'm disappointed in the responses from most everyone. I had been having a rough time, had no one to talk to, and felt I could turn to this community for a little support. Yet, I felt like nearly most of the replies were somewhat condescending because I felt I deserved a little extra attention than normal. I had asked, at the end of my post, had any other brides been going through the same situation...not for an opinion on how wrong I am for wanting what I have given to others for myself (I did grow up learning the Golden Rule)....or not for an opinion on how my view on the situation needs to change. Being months later now, I do see that I was a little early in my planning. However, absolutely nothing has changed in this situation, 6 months away from the wedding. Yes, I am marrying a wonderful man. Yes, my dad is a great dad. But does that mean I don't deserve the same treatment I gave to my girlfriends during their wedding planning? No, it doesn't. It does not change the fact that people are so self-absorbed in their own lives that they forget what others have done for them before they got that life they are so absorbed in. I'm not bitter about it anymore...and I'm not upset about it anymore. Live and learn. And move on. Just goes to show that most people couldn't really give a $hit about you as long as they get something outta you first. I'll just remember that from now on. Thanks to everyone that replied.
BlackLovely Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Congratulations honey. When I first got engaged, some of my girlfriends acted very, very jealous. Two of them started to put me down all the time and one of them even told me that my wedding could always be called off! I don't talk to two of them anymore; they are just jealous that their children's father wouldn't marry them. There are far too many expectations around weddings for women. We pressured to outdo other brides and make the day "perfect." I can certainly relate, I am in deep mourning for not being able to afford a real wedding, instead of the humble destination thing we can afford. A lucky bride who had a real wedding, posted about her lovely day on here. When I read about the "packed dancefloor", the great food and the luxury honeymoon, I wept so much that I had to stop reading the thread. I'm glad she had a great day, but I wonder why I can't be blessed financially too!
allina Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 A lucky bride who had a real wedding, posted about her lovely day on here. When I read about the "packed dancefloor", the great food and the luxury honeymoon, I wept so much that I had to stop reading the thread. I'm glad she had a great day, but I wonder why I can't be blessed financially too! [/i] BL, I think you are talking about me in this post. I am sorry that my post caused you any sadness *hugs* While my wedding was perfect for me and my husband other people would disagree. For example, we had about 60 guests. For us this was a lot but many people turn their nose at any wedding with less than 100 guests. We also did not have a bridal party, again it was right for us but I got some weird looks when I told people I wasn't having bridesmaids. It's all about what matters to the couple. While I am in no way putting down my wedding I just wanted to clarify that the reason it was so perfect for us had nothing to do with it being some huge, over the top, platinum wedding.
BlackLovely Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 BL, I think you are talking about me in this post. I am sorry that my post caused you any sadness *hugs* While my wedding was perfect for me and my husband other people would disagree. For example, we had about 60 guests. For us this was a lot but many people turn their nose at any wedding with less than 100 guests. We also did not have a bridal party, again it was right for us but I got some weird looks when I told people I wasn't having bridesmaids. It's all about what matters to the couple. While I am in no way putting down my wedding I just wanted to clarify that the reason it was so perfect for us had nothing to do with it being some huge, over the top, platinum wedding. You have nothing to be sorry about, sweetie. It's not your problem that we can't afford what we really want. I'm very pleased for any bride that enjoys her day. I hope that you are also having fun on your honeymoon with your new husband! My reactions are my responsibility, although it was very nice of you to respond and offer a hug. I chose my fiance over a big wedding. Of course, most women want to have some semblance to a perfect wedding in their eyes. We were originally going to do 60 guests with 2 attendants each. My mother wanted me to have big and extravagant wedding, which she would have paid for. I had to decline because I would have had no say in my own special day; Mom only wanted it to be a reflection on her wealth. She also ignored the fact that my fiance's family is completely unfamiliar with our culture; my mother demanded that everything be Jamaican. We went with this destination package at a lovely resort. In three weeks, among all the fiery colors of fall, in Ontario cottage country, I will be married. It was the only way we could be independent of everyone's repeated and loud opinions. I wish you all the joy that marriage can bring. *hugs*
KikiW Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I wish we soon-to-be-married people could all take a deep breath, step back, and acknowledge that fairy-tale weddings a.) do not exist, and b.) if they exist they cost a f***-load of money. For one single day. I include myself in this, I am just as guilty of staring wistfully at the $7500 platinum engagement band. Guilty of seeing a stunning wedding dress, and a pricetag of $3500 to go with it. Raise my hand as one of those people who stumbled across a website that describes, with heart-stopping photos, the splendor of an English castle where weddings and receptions can be performed for only $450 a plate, with a 150 guest minimum of course. And I've seen some of those bridal shows where the bride barely lifts a finger, is treated like a queen for the year and a half before her wedding day, where everyone falls all over their damn selves kissing her @$$. In a different world, where there was more of a "village" mentality, you'd probably have more people willing to step up to the plate and help out. But people DO get absorbed in their own lives. Some of them have a lot of s**t to deal with. Some of them have financial problems. Some of them have family problems. Some of them have mental problems. All you can do it ask politely if someone can help you do XYZ... if they do, awesome. If not, do it yourself and don't ask them. You can't make them do it, and it will only make you more resentful. And like you need that added emotion? Nah, let it go, handle things yourself, ask for help from the ones you can count on, and let the rest go.
candymoon Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 As much as I appreciated the fact that so many people actually took the time to comment on something that had bothered me, I'm disappointed in the responses from most everyone. I had been having a rough time, had no one to talk to, and felt I could turn to this community for a little support. Yet, I felt like nearly most of the replies were somewhat condescending because I felt I deserved a little extra attention than normal. I had asked, at the end of my post, had any other brides been going through the same situation...not for an opinion on how wrong I am for wanting what I have given to others for myself (I did grow up learning the Golden Rule)....or not for an opinion on how my view on the situation needs to change. Being months later now, I do see that I was a little early in my planning. However, absolutely nothing has changed in this situation, 6 months away from the wedding. Yes, I am marrying a wonderful man. Yes, my dad is a great dad. But does that mean I don't deserve the same treatment I gave to my girlfriends during their wedding planning? No, it doesn't. It does not change the fact that people are so self-absorbed in their own lives that they forget what others have done for them before they got that life they are so absorbed in. I'm not bitter about it anymore...and I'm not upset about it anymore. Live and learn. And move on. Just goes to show that most people couldn't really give a $hit about you as long as they get something outta you first. I'll just remember that from now on. Thanks to everyone that replied. Well Gemini, I know how you feel and went through the same thing too during my wedding. My would-have-been MOH first thing she told me was I don't want to do anything for another wedding. I'm sick of being a bridesdmaid. My other friends were no help either. In the end, we opted to elope anyway and this did away with the impedending drama i saw coming down the road. i understand not everyone wants to do that, though. I don't think you were into the platinum wedding idea as people mention--more the fact you want someone to genuinely share in the joy of your upcoming day, and not that phoney. "ohhh! good for you" and then they are on the next topic about this great dress they found or the wacky thing their kid said yesterday. That I understand. It's crazy making and awfully disappointing. You give to people and they do somehow, magically, forget that you were there for them. Perhaps it is the friends you have, not everyone as it was for me too at the time... might want to think about a new circle of friends once the wedding day has passed. At least now you know who really gives a sh*t and who doesn't.
BlackLovely Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 As much as I appreciated the fact that so many people actually took the time to comment on something that had bothered me, I'm disappointed in the responses from most everyone. I had been having a rough time, had no one to talk to, and felt I could turn to this community for a little support. Yet, I felt like nearly most of the replies were somewhat condescending because I felt I deserved a little extra attention than normal. I had asked, at the end of my post, had any other brides been going through the same situation...not for an opinion on how wrong I am for wanting what I have given to others for myself (I did grow up learning the Golden Rule)....or not for an opinion on how my view on the situation needs to change. Being months later now, I do see that I was a little early in my planning. However, absolutely nothing has changed in this situation, 6 months away from the wedding. Yes, I am marrying a wonderful man. Yes, my dad is a great dad. But does that mean I don't deserve the same treatment I gave to my girlfriends during their wedding planning? No, it doesn't. It does not change the fact that people are so self-absorbed in their own lives that they forget what others have done for them before they got that life they are so absorbed in. I'm not bitter about it anymore...and I'm not upset about it anymore. Live and learn. And move on. Just goes to show that most people couldn't really give a $hit about you as long as they get something outta you first. I'll just remember that from now on. Thanks to everyone that replied. You sound very bitter about the responses you received.... I didn't read any condescending comments at all! We were all trying to get you to see the positive side, as well as relate to how you're feeling. If you keep posting ungrateful messages like this, people will not to respond to your threads. Also, you give me the impression, that you need A LOT of attention to feel good about yourself. C'mon mama, you're a woman about to get married, not a pouting teenager.
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