Think this was a bad relationship...

[Eclipse11]

Hi everyone...

 

For some reason I haven't been thinking about why I was always so unhappy in my relationship, yet when I lay down just now and really thought about it, the relationship was pretty bad...

 

Yet even now, some part of me is saying..."no it wasn't it was you, all your fault" and making me feel guilty...

 

Can anyone comment upon the things below, they weren't good were they?

 

1) If I did not phone on time or I was late being able to do something, he would be annoyed and act sulky

2) When I was talking about something of interest to me he would sometimes ignore it and also would sometimes not laugh at my jokes

3) He would pat my bottom in the supermarket and stuff which embarrassed me a bit and when I said I didn't like it that much ( somebody saw and laughed once ) he was annoyed...so I backed down and said oh its okay

4) He would make "jokes" about me drinking too much in front of a cashier at the supermarket or his mum and sister ( oh I hope she doesn't embarrass me tonight and get drunk ) - I hardly ever drink anyway!

5) If we drove out somewhere nice for the day, he would often complain about the driving as if he resented it and it would make me feel bad

6) We barely ever ate out or went to the pub...on the occasion I did want to eat out on holiday, he wanted to go to Dominos pizza up the road and then sulked a bit and said the restaurant wasn't that good when we went out

7) He always implied or said that I wasn't grateful enough, that he had chosen a movie for me or cooked me a meal ( when he would have watched that movie or cooked that meal for himself anyway )

8) When I moved into a new flat and was all excited about it, he was sulking a bit because he was helping me move house and didn't even say the place looked nice

9) When I had my hair cut and coloured ( and told him I'd had it done so no excuse for not noticing ) he just said "oh it's a lot darker" and didn't even say it looked nice

10) He would arrange for us to do things with people without consulting me upon whether I wanted to go or not - sometimes those people would have made me feel uncomfortable but when I said, he would just say "okay" in an annoyed tone

11) Sometimes with friends he would ignore me totally

12) On new years eve when a slobbering drunk old man came up and asked me for a dance and asked him if he objected he just said, fine, go off and have a dance...and made a joke with his friends as well about his hopes that I would perform exotic sex acts for him in the bedroom

13) Most recently, when we went to stay with friends of his, he went out with his friend, leaving me alone in the house with his friend's wife - later on when I told him, she went upstairs to do stuff, leaving me alone in the house in a strange kitchen in a strange house, he didn't seem to think anything of it

14) I could never criticise anything anyone had done...he would always see it as my fault or me being over-sensitive

15) He would sulk or act annoyed then I would become quiet, he would ask me what was wrong...when I told him he was always annoyed

16) He would tell me about his porno collection and seemed to have a thing about blondes

17) Winter was terrible, when we were out together, he would say that we should do things with friends, as if my company wasn't enough...and also, he knew it upset me when he talked about a female friend of his and just seemed to do it all the more

18) He said I put no thought into his christmas present and was annoyed because I brought my presents and his card on christmas eve, said it embarrassed him to sit there with me wrapping his present

19) If he said something that hurt me, when I told him, he would deny ever saying it or totally change the wording

20)He would often say, after a conflict "I would never do that to you...", everything was always somehow my fault

 

Some of these things may not seem like much to you...guess I'm doing this just to reassure myself I've done the right thing really...

 

Of course he wasn't all bad, he called me sweet names, brought me flowers and presents and even said he would like to marry me ( first time I seriously broke up with him ), texted sweet texts all the time ( four times daily), told me he loved me all the time in all these texts, wanted to see me all the time - this just makes it all the more confusing...sigh

 

The reason I have written all of this is that I think I may be feeling really guilty needlessly, the truth is I was miserable when I was with him...I just want to know I have done the right thing and I'm better off out of it...

 

Thanks Eclipse x

Edited May 3, 2010 by Eclipse11

[Rorschach]

Your way better off without him, none of that sounds like it was your fault he just sounds like a controlling jerk. You deserve better than that, go have fun moving on with your life.

[Eclipse11]

Amen to you Rorshach that is precisely what I decided to do today!

Thanks...just thinking, I'm sure it wasn't my fault, I am kind, nice, easy-going...

Hope you are out of your funk and thanks again - I almost felt brainwashed in a way, like I was thinking all this was my fault but it wasn't...Eclipse x

[Kamille]

Wow! This is a bit of a shocker for me. I was in a relationship where my ex did many of the items on your lists. He wouldn't listen to my request to tone down the PDAs, would put down anything that was mine as a way to make sure he stayed in control: example, my apartment sucked, my bed was too soft (so we would sleep at his place); he needed to win every argument and would often tell me that he understood my motivations better than I did, but then would get extremely upset if I questioned anything he did. He would sulk and act annoyed when I needed space or time on my own. At those times, he would over-react to everything I said. He would get mad at me for asking him not to smoke around me and tell me I was demanding. (when really it was the only demand I had). He even questioned my motives in regards to cigarette and told me that if he gave in to my no-smoking request, then I would get carried away and become a control freak...

 

anyway, that's only half of the stuff that's on your list and reading your list made me realize just how unhealthy my relationship was. So, these things do seem significant to me now but when the relationship was going on and even after it ended I struggled to see just how unhealthy that relationship was. Yet, I think a part of me knew. I was exhausted all the time during that relationship and would sleep 12-13hours a night.

 

You did do the right thing.

[Eclipse11]

Kamille, I can't believe it! Did we date the same man? !

My apartment sucked, my bed was too soft, he hated staying at my place and would always try to get me to come over to his though I felt more uncomfortable there ( lived with his grown up children so we weren't alone ) and didn't like the area...

Yes he needed to win every argument and would always relay a list of all the things I had said and done over and over until I felt exhausted...sometimes he would sulk and would only later tell me what he was sulking about or what I had done ( eg. I had suggested doing something different to what he had in mind ) and I would say, why didn't you tell me at the time then...

He hated me needing time on my own...

At last now, after breaking it off, I feel like I can be myself again and that'll be fine...

Glad you did the right thing and you've really helped me see things more clearly and feel better about my decision to finish things...I am just so surprised and almost shocked at the similarities! Eclipse x

[Eclipse11]

I was just wondering Kamille...if you are still reading...did you feel guilty all the time...I don't know what I'm feeling guilty for but some part of me does...not as much now though, now I'm starting to see that the relationship wasn't a good one...

 

I broke up with him a week ago...he is still texting me telling me he loves me...I have ignored the last one so far because I don't want to change my mind, I just wanted some confirmation that the relationship was unhealthy...thanks Eclipse x

Edited May 3, 2010 by Eclipse11

[Kamille]

I seriously wondered if it was the same guy, but my ex was not a fan of crude jokes and wouldn't have left me alone at a friend's house. Plus, he didn't have kids, so not the same guy.

 

Did I feel guilty all the time? tough question. I'm not someone who's prone to guilt, but I did question myself a lot. He broke things off (which probably explains why I didn't feel guilty) and I was heartbroken at the time. But I quickly realized that I felt much better without him (probably within two-three weeks). I loved being free to just be myself, without my motives always being interpreted for me. He later came on to me again and I told him with absolutely no ambiguity that I wasn't interested in giving him a second chance. I felt free. I was like I was finally breathing again.

 

Ack, this brings back memories. Whenever I wasn't in the mood sex or tried to set boundaries for myself, he would tell me I was "repressed". Basically, he would tell me that if I were really myself, I should always be up for sex (whenever he wanted it). Of course, since I was repressed and he was a fountain of knowledge, he therefore became the one who would be able to free me of my shackles, if only I stopped questioning him.

 

I wish the threads I posted when we broke up were still here, but LS suffered a major data loss at the time, so they no longer exist.

 

Anyway, yes, you did the right thing. Don't feel guilty. Enjoy the freedom. Enjoy being yourself.

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Kamille...only joking about him being the same guy but the similarities are quite striking...even the not in the mood thing...sorry to remind you! I felt like I could never really not be in the mood...

I feel like I can breathe again as well...I've got more energy than I've had for a while and I'm making my flat look pretty and doing some home decorating...

I'm glad you are happier now...Eclipse x

[Kamille]

It brings back memories only to remind me how good I have it now. I did the same thing when we broke up: I started making my flat better, suddenly had more energy, treated myself to some nice beauty products.

 

And, I wonder if your ex wants you back mainly because he can't handle that you finally put your foot down. See, I feel that the main reason my ex wanted me back was because he expected me to hang on to him for much longer than I did and was shocked that I didn't pursue him.

 

Last summer, I met a man who is almost the complete opposite of my ex. He's easy going, understanding, incredibly supportive. In fact, I have to adjust to this new type of relationship. I was used to fighting just to make sure I was taken into account in my relationship with my ex. Now I can still get defensive very easily. Fortunately, current bf makes it easy to change since I truly believe he has my best interest at heart.

[Eclipse11]

So pleased for you Kamille and thank you for your insight...you have really helped me today...I'm feeling much more sure now...thanks again Eclipse x