northstar1 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I really do loathe the period between a breakup, and getting a good footing on healing. It's been only a few weeks since mine, and we've had no contact since the breakup. I do still have some doubts about the breakup, and feel we might have rushed it and made a mistake in not fighting for it harder. But I also am aware enough that it takes 2 to fight and she's also not reached out since the breakup. I feel our issues were not ones that were insurmountable but her dating history was strewn with a lot of negative, superficial ones with guys she knew were not good partners, and that she had bolted from at the first sign of trouble. I am going through all the usual signs I've gone through in past breakups and I do know they will lessen over time but still; anger that we let it fall apart and she wasn't to fight for it, loneliness with all the free time I have now, sad that I had thought we had something that was going to be great, bitterness that she also hasn't reached out. Logically I can give advice on here to others, NC- keep your pride and dignity; if they wanted to be with you, they'd fight for it. Work on yourself etc. And I can look at that holistically now like a blueprint and nod my head. But part of me still believes we did make a mistake in letting it go, and I want to fight for it and reach out, even if it does mean I face silence or rejection. It's the fight to calm those demons in my head that are tearing me one side to another.
LK30 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I hear you Northstar. You've given some great advice on this site, and I can see what you mean about NC. The one thing I could ever accept was what if our exes are at home waiting for us to make the first move and we don't even realise, and who's job is it to make the first move? I think it's back to the advice about control that people give. The minute you break NC you give control to the ex, and more often than not they just soak it up and don't reply. My ex's b'day is tomorrow and it's a great excuse to send her an e-mail, but people are saying 'no, don't!!' From what I see, and I expect you can't see it, is that you are better off without her and if she wouldn't fight for you (just like mine didn't) then sooner or later it would've happened anyway and by then you could've been married and had kids etc and that could've been complicated. Somewhere out there are women who want us for who we are, and will love us in a way whereby they will fignt for that love because we matter. Those women are out there looking for us...the hard part is knowing where to meet them...
GrayClouds Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Only people who feel, hurts. I suspect that the fact you are holding on to some doubts reflects the more of the quality of person you are, you capabilities to make deep connections then any mistaken judgmental about ending the relationship. Those doubts are a round about way of suggesting to yourself you was not good enough to fight for. Your posts highly suggest otherwise. It is about her not currently having the capability to work that hard. It takes courage that she just does not have.
Author northstar1 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Only people who feel, hurts. I suspect that the fact you are holding on to some doubts reflects the more of the quality of person you are, you capabilities to make deep connections then any mistaken judgmental about ending the relationship. Those doubts are a round about way of suggesting to yourself you was not good enough to fight for. Your posts highly suggest otherwise. It is about her not currently having the capability to work that hard. It takes courage that she just does not have. Thanks GC, You are right. I know I made mistakes in the relationship, and was willing to keep working through them, because I had faith that we had built something pretty great and it could withstand the bumps in the road that are common for most long term relationships. It is just really disappointing to me that she couldn't , or wasn't willing to keep going and found it easier to just shut down and walk away. I had thought that after a string of poor relationships in her life, she really did get that we had something really good and healthy. But her reasons for not wanting to carryon are hers, and so I just need to accept it and soldier on. The whole forest for the trees thing. She was looking at the few fallen trees and turned back as she had done in the past.
GrayClouds Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 It is just really disappointing to me that she couldn't , or wasn't willing to keep going and found it easier to just shut down and walk away. And it is really easy to turn that disappointment inward when they are not there to accept it. I often view hard times in a relationship as an opportunity to become closer to each other. That the struggle can strengthen the attachment. I also see that perspective can lead to fighting too hard for something that should have been let go long ago, getting stuck on what could be rather then what is. Finding that balance is difficult but if I am going to lean to far in one way, trying a little to hard seems better then not trying hard enough. Knowing my bias it make is even more important choose people who is worth my effort.
Author northstar1 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 And it is really easy to turn that disappointment inward when they are not there to accept it. I often view hard times in a relationship as an opportunity to become closer to each other. That the struggle can strengthen the attachment. I also see that perspective can lead to fighting too hard for something that should have been let go long ago, getting stuck on what could be rather then what is. Finding that balance is difficult but if I am going to lean to far in one way, trying a little to hard seems better then not trying hard enough. Knowing my bias it make is even more important choose people who is worth my effort. I agree totally, and that is why I wanted to keep going. Sure, I had frustrations myself, but in the big picture it was worthwhile. Unfortunately, I think the instinct to give up and bolt was stronger than the realization of what we had, and that's where I keep hitting my head into the wall. That only if I could show her.
GrayClouds Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 That only if I could show her. yep if we could only get one more whack at the piñata and we're sure it will finally give us all those treats we deserve, but more likely we are left standing there with sore arms.
Author northstar1 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 yep if we could only get one more whack at the piñata and we're sure it will finally give us all those treats we deserve, but more likely we are left standing there with sore arms. Christ you are brlliant sometimes GC. Let me buy you a drink.
foxh1234 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hey North, sorry your feeling down buddy. I just logged in and thought I would look around and I saw your thread. Your smart enough to know what you have to do to heal. The hard part is taking your own advice. I know you'll get past this and be stronger for it. Hang in there bud:)
Author northstar1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Hey North, sorry your feeling down buddy. I just logged in and thought I would look around and I saw your thread. Your smart enough to know what you have to do to heal. The hard part is taking your own advice. I know you'll get past this and be stronger for it. Hang in there bud:) Thanks Fox, nice to see you around. Hope you are doing well and spending most of your time on the links. You are right, I know what I need to do, and I've struggled with my own advice. I know the only choice is to deal with it and stick with NC.
USMCHokie Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Christ you are brlliant sometimes GC. Let me buy you a drink. Quoted for truth. I'll buy the second round.
marlena Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 North, Knowing you, you will handle this with great aplomb and class. I am only sorry that you have to go through it again. However, remember, it is truly better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
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