rdmcnutt Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am having trouble trusting my wife completely again. Until about 6 months ago I never mistrusted her in ANY way whatsoever. I would have been fine with her splitting a room with another guy if she were traveling on business (that never happened…just an example) and never thought twice about it. Then about 6 months ago she went to Las Vegas for a conference for work. She called me one night and told me that she was going to have dinner with her old college friend Joe. I said have fun and was fine with it. Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him. I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine. I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate. I don’t think she is having an affair or anything. I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes. I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity.[/sIZE][/FONT]
JustJoe Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Dude, go with your gut. Your gut is telling you that there is more to this than just a casual friendship. The only way to let this rest is to get to the bottom of it, and find out all you need to know. How is it that this "old college friend", happened to be in Vegas at the exact time your wife was? If they are in contact on FB, how do you know that they didn't set the whole thing up , in order to have a fling? Your wife has lied and disrespected to you by omission, by not telling you that she dated and was in love with the guy. I would also contact the guy's wife and find out why she is upset. Then confront your wife about the whole thing. This isn't about you being insecure, it's about your wife's honesty. You need some answers.
Author rdmcnutt Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 actually he lives in las vegas. they had been in contact on facebook prior to her trip out there, and decided to get together since she was in town. according to my wife, his wife was upset because he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 actually he lives in las vegas. they had been in contact on facebook prior to her trip out there, and decided to get together since she was in town. according to my wife, his wife was upset because he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend. Have you heard of keylogger? Use it and find out what the exchange is about on facebook.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Is it a little premature to be calling this guy's wife? Are there any pictures of this trip? Is this guy noticably missing from pictures? Or in too many of them? It is most interesting that the two of them just happened to be in Vegas at the same time, wow. How did they find this out, that the other was going to be in Vegas? Tough to believe they just ran into each other on the street.... Credit for the wife--she did call and say she was going to have dinner with this guy. Revealing at that point that he was an old BF might have caused unncessary concern...or, necessary concern. Facebook contact--there's a little rekindling and reminiscing of that romance, definitely. How can it not be so after having a past in which she was in love with him? Hopefully it is just simple fondness now. Can you openly drink a bottle of wine on the steps like that? I don't want to arouse unwarranted suspicion, but if not, then they had to drink the wine in somebody's hotel room. I would ask more questions. Have a discussion about this other guy. Ask if she still has any feelings for him, or is it a sweet reminiscing? I would approach the conversation in a non-threatening manner, just to get her to open up about how she feels about him, and more details of their time spent together in Vegas. And, I would ask why was the wife so upset?
Author rdmcnutt Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 they dated 10 years ago, so its been a while. I'm really not worried that she is having an affair with him. I would probably just characterize it as in appropriate that she put herself in that position and that she lied to me about it. I'm mostly thinking now that the problem is mine, and not hers and needing advice on how to start trusting her completely again.
sally4sara Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Yeah, 10 years is a long time. My husband is friends with many of his exes. One in particular he had not dated in as many years, though he had been very smitten with her once. She is now OUR friend, came to our wedding and has stay with us once for a six weeks for a training class in our area. She was even single at that time. They don't refer to each other as "ex" either. It was just so long ago and it doesn't really factor into their lives and friendship they now have. I once referred to her as his ''ex" and she thought it was silly, stating she hoped I thought more of her than just one of his exes. You know, with him and his wife being in Vegas, they might make good travel friends. If you wanted to go to Vegas with your wife, it might be nice to have friendly faces waiting for you at the airport and even get you out of hotel costs........
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 ok, your wife sounds innocent until proven guilty so far.... where was the lie to you? I'm lost on that.
Author rdmcnutt Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Perhaps "lie" is too strong a word, but I see this as a lie of omission. I think if you've been in love with and had sex with somebody and you're going to have dinner alone with them in Vegas, to describe that person as a "friend" is leaving a pretty big, and relevant detail out. Truth is that if she had told me I would have probably been okay with it. I can't help but think that she didn't tell me he was an ex on purpose though. I do agree though that she is innocent of cheating on me.
JustJoe Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Dude, it's obviously your call, but to have your wife lie to you about her relationship with this guy, and also to have the guy's own wife being upset about it, plus the FB contact, would be huge red flags to me , and I would want to get to the bottom of this , for my own peace of mind. You wife should be willing to give you any information you should ask for to resolve this issue. If she refuses, or evades, then something happened. Trust, when broken is very hard to repair, and right now you have trust issues. It's definitely NOT you being insecure.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Perhaps "lie" is too strong a word, but I see this as a lie of omission. I think if you've been in love with and had sex with somebody and you're going to have dinner alone with them in Vegas, to describe that person as a "friend" is leaving a pretty big, and relevant detail out. Truth is that if she had told me I would have probably been okay with it. I can't help but think that she didn't tell me he was an ex on purpose though. I do agree though that she is innocent of cheating on me. Like I said in an earlier post, continue the discussion on this guy with her. For example: If his wife is so upset you had dinner with him, do you think it's a good idea to keep in contact via facebook? I'd like to hear her reply. Just don't let her relationship with him be something she doesn't discuss with you. As long as she openly, without hesitation, discusses the relationship with you, all is probably well, unless there are other red flags. For instance: does her facebook account mention you, her husband? Does it make recent references every so often as to what a great guy you are? Have you somehow fallen off the cliff and are no longer mentioned by her on facebook? Same goes for this guy's facebook account. Does he mention his wife often? Is it obvious he is married? Etc. I believe relationships that are going in a secretive direction show signs long before any kind of affair happens. The spouses become too quiet about their relationship with the other person, references to their spouse drop off, they spend too much time on facebook or close windows when their spouse comes around, they never leave their account open and signed in for their spouse to find, they delete personal messages, they are vague and ambiguous as to whether they are in a committed marriage on their profile, etc.! Just things everyone should look out for when a possible emotional affair is in the works.
Author rdmcnutt Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 I told her that I didn't think it was appropriate. She apologized for not tellling me and just said she didn't think it mattered what they used to be to each other. I don't really check facebook very much, but she never mentions me in there at all. She lists her status as "married." She really doesn't post much publicly on her account, but no, none of it mentions me at all. His, I don't know about since we're not "friends."
Luv2dance Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Perhaps "lie" is too strong a word, but I see this as a lie of omission. I think if you've been in love with and had sex with somebody and you're going to have dinner alone with them in Vegas, to describe that person as a "friend" is leaving a pretty big, and relevant detail out. Truth is that if she had told me I would have probably been okay with it. I can't help but think that she didn't tell me he was an ex on purpose though. I do agree though that she is innocent of cheating on me. I would imagine she thought it would bother you if you knew he was an ex she had been in love with, and that is why she didn't mention it. I do not automatically assume it means that there is something sneaky going on, but I am fairly trusting also. If you have a open relationship with your wife and have had no other reason not to trust her then I wouldn't let this one thing bother you that much. NOW, if some of the other things that have been mentioned are going on or start happening then you may have something to worry about. Rekindling old friendships/flames is very easy to do in this cyber-age!!
Fight4Me Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Then when she was talking to me the next day she let it slip that Joe’s wife was very upset about their dinner. Seems that Joe is not just an old friend. He and my wife dated for about a year in college and she was in love with him. I guess they went to dinner and then sat out at the sidewalk café at the Paris casino and watched the water show at Bellagio while they split a bottle of wine. I told her how upset I was about her not telling me that he was an ex boyfriend and she said she thinks of him as a friend now so that’s what she called him. They are also in contact on “facebook” which I hate. I don’t think she is having an affair or anything. I am just much more insecure than I used to be since this happened and I find it hard to not be suspicious sometimes. I don’t want to be insecure and I don’t want to be suspicious of my wife, but I don’t know how to get over this completely. I am looking for any tips I can get to help get over my own suspicions and insecurity. Red flags here, I'm sorry. It really doesn't matter how long ago she was in love with this guy, she's still in dangerous territory. The fact that Joe's wife was upset about them going out to dinner speaks volumes. If he lives there, why wasn't his wife invited? And why does your wife continue to have contact with him on FB KNOWING you hate it and that surely his wife does not approve either? This is highly inappropriate AT BEST. Dude, go with your gut. Your gut is telling you that there is more to this than just a casual friendship. The only way to let this rest is to get to the bottom of it, and find out all you need to know. How is it that this "old college friend", happened to be in Vegas at the exact time your wife was? If they are in contact on FB, how do you know that they didn't set the whole thing up , in order to have a fling? Your wife has lied and disrespected to you by omission, by not telling you that she dated and was in love with the guy. I would also contact the guy's wife and find out why she is upset. Then confront your wife about the whole thing. This isn't about you being insecure, it's about your wife's honesty. You need some answers. Joe speaks wisdom. Listen to him. actually he lives in las vegas. they had been in contact on facebook prior to her trip out there, and decided to get together since she was in town. according to my wife, his wife was upset because he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend. I'm coming up on the one year mark of my DDay, and I have done so much reading on the internet and elsewhere and have received quite an education about "long lost loves" reconnecting on the internet. Facebook is one of the most notorious places for it, and I honestly found it to be innocent until my fWH came to me asking for a divorce because he had fallen in love with an old flame (after only a few weeks, no less - LOL) who tracked him down on there. They had dated over 20 years ago. Since then, I have had no less than five different friends who have reconnected with old flames themselves or had spouses who did. Just Google Facebook + Old Flames or Lost Loves or Infidelity, and your eyes will just about come out of their sockets. (We began reconciliation after just a couple of hours, and are doing great now, btw. Don't want to t/j your thread any further, but wanted to let you know the rest of the story, so to speak.) I have always been just like you... very trusting. My husband and I have both learned, however, that you can never let your guard down when it comes to outside influences in the marriage. One of the reasons why I forgave my husband was because I firmly believe that everyone is capable of infidelity given the right circumstances. I think many people who say, "I would never..." (just like my fWH did) can be more susceptible to infidelity because they have their guards down when the opportunity presents itself on a silver platter. I'm not saying your wife is knee-deep in an A; but I am saying that your insecurity and suspicions are not unwarranted either. If he is truly just a friend, then she'll have no problem giving him up for your peace of mind. She should have done it when she realized his wife did not approve. She's intruding where she shouldn't. When you get married, you agree to "forsake all others," so it's more than reasonable for you to ask her to do this for you. If she gets angry at the suggestion, then I'd be very very concerned. I really pray that all goes well and that you can regain the security you once had in your marriage.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I told her that I didn't think it was appropriate. She apologized for not tellling me and just said she didn't think it mattered what they used to be to each other. I don't really check facebook very much, but she never mentions me in there at all. She lists her status as "married." She really doesn't post much publicly on her account, but no, none of it mentions me at all. His, I don't know about since we're not "friends." You NEED keylogger to see what they talked about. Do it now, before it's too late when she comes home and tell you "I am not happy. I am not in love with you."
seibert253 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 they dated 10 years ago, so its been a while. I'm really not worried that she is having an affair with him. I would probably just characterize it as in appropriate that she put herself in that position and that she lied to me about it. I'm mostly thinking now that the problem is mine, and not hers and needing advice on how to start trusting her completely again. Wrong, the problem is HERS. She was not on the up and up about this dude. Lying by omission is just as bad as straight up lying to your face. A lie is a lie. Period.
You Go Girl Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Somebody made a very good point that I really wasn't thinking about. I was thinking about the author of this thread and his wife. But... the old flame and his wife-- now why would your wife want to do anything that would upset her friend's marriage? If she cares for this friend, as only a friend, then she would know to leave him alone if his wife prefers it that way. So she's dabbling in being a part of something this man is doing--sneaky--behind his wife's back. She's a part of his sneakiness, and willingly so, if this man's wife doesn't know, or doesn't approve of the facebook relationship. I think I would remind her that she is helping someone else do something that betrays intimacy with their spouse--even if she is doing NOTHING secretive herself.
lonestar190 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 If he lives there, why wasn't his wife invited? This would be my biggest question. If it is really about friendship, then the husband should be excited to introduce his new wife to your wife. Further, if she was upset, the easiest thing to do would be to bring her. This would be my first focus point.
You Go Girl Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 This would be my biggest question. If it is really about friendship, then the husband should be excited to introduce his new wife to your wife. Further, if she was upset, the easiest thing to do would be to bring her. This would be my first focus point. Excellent point. It's the least imaginary part of this equation--this is a fact.
You Go Girl Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 oh baloney wburble. Paranoia abounds. This wife may be up to nothing at all. There's no proof of anything, just some suspicion. Some people are just friendlier than others, and see absolutely nothing wrong with having dinner with an old flame. To judge jury and condemn this woman based on very scant evidence is some kind of napoleonic trial. Guilty until proven innocent! Balderdash.
You Go Girl Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Ha ha, OP's wife went out on a date with an old sex partner, whom she was in love with, and lied to her OP about her past with this guy, and you think she hasn't done anything? How about this? Going out on dates with other men should be a complete no no even if no sex happened. But of course sex happened, that's why she met the guy in Vegas, to "reconnect." Aren't we all grown ups here? She met an old flame, yes. But she told her husband that she was meeting up with him that evening. Think like a lawyer. There's no evidence to the contrary of what she told her H. Who says it was a date? That's a far stretch. I'm not saying she's innocent, but I'm sure not saying she's guilty either; not enough information yet.
stace79 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Aren't we all grown ups here? She met an old flame, yes. But she told her husband that she was meeting up with him that evening. Think like a lawyer. There's no evidence to the contrary of what she told her H. Who says it was a date? That's a far stretch. I'm not saying she's innocent, but I'm sure not saying she's guilty either; not enough information yet. If I was a single woman and I met a man alone for dinner, then shared a bottle of wine and watched a show with him for several hours, I'd call that a date. And agreed with another poster above -- if he LIVES in Vegas, why didn't he invite his wife along to join them, if it truly was platonic? That would have easily solved her issue about being mad and the appearance of any impropriety!
Recommended Posts