malth99 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 i was dating a girl for a couple months (crazily beautiful girl, phd student, fun), and things had been going really well, when 2 months ago she came to a party i was co-hosting. up until then, she had been one of the sanest, lowest maintenece girls i'd ever dated. that night things also seemed fine; we actually went into the host's bedroom, shut the door, and made out. i presumed we were okay. then i walked her to her car, where she suddenly asked me what i wanted. i was confused, and told her i wanted her to come home with me that night. it then was clear that she was ending things - she told me that she could NOT be in a committed relationship. she'd been in a 6 yr relationship, which ended a couple years ago when he asked her to marry him and she couldn't say yes. i told her i wasn't really sure what the future held, but i was having fun seeing her -- but my friends had asked if we were dating, and she'd freaked. weird. but weirder - as we were breaking up in her car, she was making out with me with burning intensity. it was so hot. i was totally confused. i repeated told her that she wasn't being fair; that making out with me was not cool when she was ending things. i asked her to come home with me anyway, for old time's sake, she hesitated but couldn't. she really wanted us to be friends. i told her i wouldn't -- that it hadn't been what i wanted. eventually, she childlocked the doors so i couldn't leave, and forced me to prmoise to call her in a few days. so i did call a couple days later. i eventually asked her what the hell she had been thinking, being so physical with me when she was ending things. she said, "honestly, i just really wanted to sleep with you, but i couldn't. i knew if i did i would get really attached to you." so i said, "christ, i just shoulda f*cked you." thinking she'd hang up. she didn't. so then i said, "well, why don't we hook up now?" thinking she'd hang up. she didn't. so i went for it, and convinced her to hook up with me one night, just so we could say we had each other. she was tongue tied, but i convinced her to call me back. the next night, she came over, and she agreed to a fling, open ended. i had assumed we'd just hook up once, so i was happy for the bonus. the next night, we had drinks and came back to my place and hooked up. it was nice. i'll be honest - i was a little sad that she liked me so much, was so attracted to me, but couldn't be in a relationship. anyway, for the last two months, we had been doing this. on and off. it's been really fun. she's truly stunning, so hooking up is a gift... though i will say, we haven't done a whole lot of it! she seems just as content to hang out, watch movies, cook me dinner, and cuddle. it's sweet, but not what i had thought... all good! until now... last weekend we were to meet up for dinner. earlier in the week she called to say hi, and as we were getting off the phone, i said "yo, so we still on for dinner on friday?" she paused, and said "i can do lunch instead." uh oh, i thought - she may be trying to end this. i was walking to a bar to meet friends, so i couldn't get into it right then. i told her lunch was out, as i had reviews. she said, "well dinner works for now then." i told her i'd call her later inthe week, and she said okay. so i went to the bar, had a few drinks, got drunk. i got home and into bed okay, then i think i blacked out as i fell asleep. i drunkdialed and txted her. repeatedly. she had called back. no idea what happened - blackout. i was mortified and worried. i emailed her next day to say i was sorry, and to see if i'd ruined the fling. she said "apology accepted," that she had not been alseep, that i had left a weird message so she called back, then realized i was too drunk to make sense. she said she would call later to chat. she sent an email that night saying she was trapped at work and couldn't talk, but not to feel like she was avoiding me. then i heard nothing for a few days. so on friday, i sent a quick email (hi, not to make a big deal of things, but are we still hanging out? our fling still on?). she replied with a long email, apologizing for not having spoken to me but that she'd had a housefire, was staying with a friend, and hadn't wanted to talk in front of her friend. she said as i'd guessed, the fling was over. and that she wanted to be friends. i replied with an email saying i was sad to hear it, that i'd enjoyed hanging out and holding her, that i had felt a draw between us and if she ever wanted to be more than friends to get in touch, and that i woulda appreciated speaking to her, but given my txts i get it, and goodbye. she replied with a long email saying that she really wanted us to be friends, and that it wasn't the txts but my voicemail which had made her really uneasy. so i asked - what the hell did i say? and she sent her final communique - i had made her really uneasy and upset by saying drunkenly: where are you? (repeatedly) why aren't you with ne? (repeatedly) then i told her she sucked and the whole thing sucked and hung up. she then went on and on about how she couldn't be in a committed relationship and she didn't know what it meant that i would drunkdial her like this and that she was uneasy blah bleh blah and finally, she said there were no hard feelings, and that she wanted to be friends. i thought that my drunkdial was kinda disappointing; i had assumed i said soemthing awesomely offensive. this just sounded drunk, horny, and stupidly confused. so i replied saying as much, and that i was sorry, but that i hadn't been lookin for anything more than our fling. i told her that knowing this, if she was willing, to get in touch if she wanted to continue hanging out as we had been, but that friends wasn't something i could really do. so there it is: long and uninteresting. so here is my question - do you think i can somehow convince her to keep hooking up!? i really want to! i plan on giving her a few weeks then calling her up... then maybe seeing if she wants a drink or something.
EasyHeart Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 You might be able to convince her to hookup again, but you shouldn't. This girl sounds hurt and confused, and (I know you don't look at it this way) you are taking advantage of her. When women hookup like this, it's usually a sign of desperation and a fear of being alone, because being alone would force her to deal with the hurt from her last relationship. She also may be afraid of developing feeling for you, or she may be afraid that you're developing feelings for her. She is probably using you as a rebound, and rebounds shouldn't last too long. Women often start developing feelings for guys once they are sleeping with them (it's not at all the same for them as it us for us), which may be why she's pulling away yet still keeps coming back. In either case, for her sake, stay away from her.
CarrieT Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 so here is my question - do you think i can somehow convince her to keep hooking up!? i really want to! i plan on giving her a few weeks then calling her up... then maybe seeing if she wants a drink or something. Of course you want to keep hooking up. Guys always want that. Based on what you wrote, if *I* were the girl, I would avoid you like the plague. No offense, but I've had FWB and as soon as I start getting drunk texts, I make them go away; too much drama.
Author malth99 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 haha! it was anight of massive alcohol. i txted multiple people, which is something i never do. i just want to point out that i really did go into this with great intentions - we had such amazing chemistry and really got along well; we could lie in bed and talk for hours. she's clearly not over her last relationship -- and it struck me as unfair that i was getting the boot not because she didn't like me, but because of her past... honestly, six weeks into it, i thought, wow, i could marry this chick. and i NEVER think that. so this extra hooking up part was a bonus. one that i'd like to continue... but here's another question, maybe more important... is there a way, given time and patience, i could possibly have a real relationship with her?
EasyHeart Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 She doesn't sound capable of having a real relationship right now. If that's what you want, you'd have to disappear for a few months/years, hope that she heals, and hope that she is single when you come back.
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