Blindsidedagainalive Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I am 2.5 years out and suffer from triggers daily. This trigger in particular is rather tricky because it's also a bad day for your husband .....despite what the ******* OW did. Going back to the counselor is a great idea. No doubt your husband does not want to think about this anymore. He needs a therapy refresher too. It takes a long time to heal. At least you are expressing yourself, which is much better than holding it in. If you two can come to some kind of formal agreement on trigger handling...perhaps that might be the way to go.
seren Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Spark, I may be wrong, but I have read some of your posts over the past week or so and thought there was something not quite right, possibly other things have been triggering too and this was the biggie. I am also 2.5 yrs on from D Day and sometimes there are so many triggers it's like a meeting at the Alamo. Mine usually creep up on me, tail me for a while and then take a huge chunk out of my arse. They also usually catch up with me when I am beginning to get comfortable, happy, trusting - you know, that feeling before the A, the happy marriage got your back feeling. I think my coping mechanism then kicks in and sort of says, whoa, slow down, look at what happened when you were that happy before, look what happened when you believed this person. Then hell breaks loose, I expect him to understand that I need to see compassion for my feelings, to feel the same sense of outrage that I do - but of course he cannot, because he has been busy stuffing it into boxes and putting it in the attic (metaphorically) and here I am throwing the whole dammed loft space at him - he feels shame, all over again, the world hasn't gone back to safe, it has suddenly become hostile and he just wants to hide. At times he cannot understand why, but mostly, when the dust has settled and we talk, I see that him not feeling as I do is because to him, he is the cause, he has done this and he is ashamed. I am sorry Spark, I know you will get through this, I am not so good at explaining and could write War and Peace on this before I got my point across. Just take care x
RedDevil66 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 ((((hug))))) I know how this feels. Sorry for your pain It's unfortunate, but this feeling usually never goes away. Women tend to hold on wiith a death grip to the past, we somehow need to identify with our wounds over and over. This is a major area I work on in therapy I'm not even with my ex (it's been 10 yrs) who cheated on me and I still get triggers in certain situations. I have trouble controling the feelings, so its tough to still be with the person who create these feelings for you. I don't have any stellar advice, but all I can say is, try not to allow anyone to keep making you feel bad and possibly stop identifying with the wounds. You are so much more than your wounds. hugs again
Author Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Thank you for all the wonderful advice. At 2.5 years, I really turned a corner in terms of finding inner peace and really am ready to lay it all to rest. I know it. I sense it. It amazes me how you cannot rush this process, no matter what you do. I think what most WSs fail to realize is that they are the biggest trigger for a very long time, and their handling of the aftermath is crucial to the success of the reconciliation. The have to apologize and show remorse and do what is necessary to heal until the cows come home. The BS's role is to listen with kindness and accept the apologies. If the WS decides, well, we're "good enough," well.....it can blow apart at any time. The bottom line: You can tell a person what you need, cry and beg for it, but if it is not within them to give it to you, Houston, We have a Problem. A serious one.
OWoman Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 So once again, and maybe this is ego speaking, it IS STILL all about him and his feelings. Spark, this might not make sense, but I'm going to try an analogy here. Imagine a country where for generations - even centuries - white people grew wealthy at the expense of black people (through slavery, legalised exploitation, racial oppression, whatever). Wealthy white folks with lots of opportunity, and poor black folks with none. Then, one day - rupture! The system gets changed. No more slavery / legalised exploitation /racial oppression / whatever. Everyone is "equal" now. ...Only.... they're not. All those years (generations, centuries) have had a cumulative effect, and a simple change to the law can't undo that. So, the state brings in programmes of affirmative action, redistributive justice and positive discrimination. And, a few years on, some white kids are complaining because the black kids get all the scholarships, get first pick of the jobs, get "all the opportunities". When will this affirmative action stop, they want to know. We've done our time, paid our dues. Why should we be discriminated against, forever, just because they were, once? And they start demanding a "sunset clause", some kind of time limit to all this redistributive justice, so that at some definite point, the slate can be considered wiped clean, and life can become "normal". Your H has feelings, and needs. You have feelings, and needs. Sometimes these are in conflict. Because of the A, he has to "make restitution", to demonstrate his remorse, and to regain your trust, respect and commitment. Yet he's now also starting to feel the need for a "sunset clause", a point in time where you can draw a line under the A and say, right, now BOTH our needs are equally valid, BOTH our feelings enjoy equal respect, one no longer enjoys priority over the other. The slate is now clean, and life has become "normal". But what the white kids, and the WS, don't realise, is that it's not simple ledger arithmetic. You can't total up time, issues, values, on each side, and determine when they balance out. Damage done is hard to measure, and "even playing fields" are perhaps an unattainable ideal. There is no sunset clause. You can never draw a definite line underneath it and say, right, that's over. Because you can never know for sure that it is. At some point, for both of you, triggers may throw up not only your own feelings but an empathetic window on the other's - in a way that they bring you closer together, not further apart. But until then, and even beyond then, no sunset clause. It's just how it is.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Great point, OWoman! He is definitely ready for the sunset clause. He has worked hard and has earned it in all ways but one...discussion in a calm, compassionate manner. So my resentment builds, and it is now of enormous magnitude. He has never willingly disclosed anything, except a one day visit to a carnival. It was amazing. I told him I would definitely go to carnivals with him. I blanking thanked him for that disclosure. But c'mon. Every trickle truth, omission, set the recovery clock back to zero, stalled my healing, prolonged my pain, caused my imagination to obsess. The power to heal the BS lies in the WS's hands, every step of the way. I too have read, researched, blogged, talked to the counselor, talked to others who have survived infidelity, listened to him, became more attentive to his needs, his wants. All I ever needed, spelled out from the get go, were the details, to form a time line, fill in pieces of the puzzle, hear how he felt at each step and why he felt that way. I told him the hardest thing to regain would be respect for him. His inability to DEAL has left me spinning; by his weaknesses, by his continued conflict avoidance, by his literally turning mean when asked a simple, stupid questions. I think, because of his poor handling of it all, I respect him less. Don't WSs get this?????????? No sunset clause for me yet. And I so coulda been there. A very long time ago.
Fight4Me Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 (edited) Trickle Truth... the most damaging thing a WS can do to their BS (aside from the A itself). No wonder you triggered so hard, and I'm surprised you don't do it more often. If he had just gotten everything out in the open and out of the way, all at once, this wouldn't be such an issue. I have never been a victim of TT, but if I were, I know I'd be feeling disrespected on an entirely new level. As BS's, the worst thing about an A is the lying, whether by omission or straight up flagrant gas lighting. I think MC is the best way to go at this point, and hopefully the counselor is one who is experienced in healing couples after infidelity. (((Spark))) Edited May 4, 2010 by Fight4Me grammar
OFGnomore Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Great point, OWoman! He is definitely ready for the sunset clause. He has worked hard and has earned it in all ways but one...discussion in a calm, compassionate manner. So my resentment builds, and it is now of enormous magnitude. He has never willingly disclosed anything, except a one day visit to a carnival. It was amazing. I told him I would definitely go to carnivals with him. I blanking thanked him for that disclosure. But c'mon. Every trickle truth, omission, set the recovery clock back to zero, stalled my healing, prolonged my pain, caused my imagination to obsess. The power to heal the BS lies in the WS's hands, every step of the way. I too have read, researched, blogged, talked to the counselor, talked to others who have survived infidelity, listened to him, became more attentive to his needs, his wants. All I ever needed, spelled out from the get go, were the details, to form a time line, fill in pieces of the puzzle, hear how he felt at each step and why he felt that way. I told him the hardest thing to regain would be respect for him. His inability to DEAL has left me spinning; by his weaknesses, by his continued conflict avoidance, by his literally turning mean when asked a simple, stupid questions. I think, because of his poor handling of it all, I respect him less. Don't WSs get this?????????? No sunset clause for me yet. And I so coulda been there. A very long time ago.[/quote I think in the end, Spark, you stayed true to yourself and did everything you could for your M and your children. If things don't work out, you know this will give you strength and courage. You didn't just bail, you tried with all your heart to make things right. In a fair and courageous way. You'll always be able to look your children in the eye regardless of what happens.
eeyore1981 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Great point, OWoman! He is definitely ready for the sunset clause. He has worked hard and has earned it in all ways but one...discussion in a calm, compassionate manner. So my resentment builds, and it is now of enormous magnitude. He has never willingly disclosed anything, except a one day visit to a carnival. It was amazing. I told him I would definitely go to carnivals with him. I blanking thanked him for that disclosure. But c'mon. Every trickle truth, omission, set the recovery clock back to zero, stalled my healing, prolonged my pain, caused my imagination to obsess. The power to heal the BS lies in the WS's hands, every step of the way. I too have read, researched, blogged, talked to the counselor, talked to others who have survived infidelity, listened to him, became more attentive to his needs, his wants. All I ever needed, spelled out from the get go, were the details, to form a time line, fill in pieces of the puzzle, hear how he felt at each step and why he felt that way. I told him the hardest thing to regain would be respect for him. His inability to DEAL has left me spinning; by his weaknesses, by his continued conflict avoidance, by his literally turning mean when asked a simple, stupid questions. I think, because of his poor handling of it all, I respect him less. Don't WSs get this?????????? No sunset clause for me yet. And I so coulda been there. A very long time ago. BBM Spark, I am about 2 1/2 years out, too, and everything I bolded above is pretty much the way I feel, too. A couple of weeks ago, we were out of town visiting some family. Someone asked me why I don't wear a wedding ring, and my H answered and said, "She doesn't consider herself married." It was a surprise to me he actually gets that, because the way things stand, I don't feel married. I skimmed through most of this thread, and we really have a lot in common. Things are a lot better between H and me, except for that pesky affair and evasiveness thing... It's like I'm just supposed to forget it ever happened, and I can't do that, especially when I have been left hanging wondering what the hell even happened. All I can do is take it one day at a time. When something triggers me, I no longer expect him to have any compassion and understanding, and I don't either. If I am angry, too effing bad, and if he ends up angry, I don't care. As far as I am concerned, he has no right.
how2forgive&2forget Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I tried to work it out with my ex but the problem was not him anymore...the problem was ME. I simply could not forget things. Impossible. I had to leave him to save my sanity. I feel you. I would still remember his betrayal 10 years from now. I had to stop all the bitterness eating at me. I was normally a happy person, but I changed into a bitter and angry woman during reconciliation (3 months). I had to end it, to save him and save myself.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Trickle Truth... the most damaging thing a WS can do to their BS (aside from the A itself). No wonder you triggered so hard, and I'm surprised you don't do it more often. If he had just gotten everything out in the open and out of the way, all at once, this wouldn't be such an issue. I have never been a victim of TT, but if I were, I know I'd be feeling disrespected on an entirely new level. As BS's, the worst thing about an A is the lying, whether by omission or straight up flagrant gas lighting. I think MC is the best way to go at this point, and hopefully the counselor is one who is experienced in healing couples after infidelity. (((Spark))) That is what we are seeking through an induction interview and then a referral: an MC experienced in marriage counseling. The last hurrah. I am running out of patience, compassion and hope. It amazes me how much understanding a BS must exhibit during this reconciliation process. I am tired of taking the high road, and that is just not me. Somedays, I do not recognize myself.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I tried to work it out with my ex but the problem was not him anymore...the problem was ME. I simply could not forget things. Impossible. I had to leave him to save my sanity. I feel you. I would still remember his betrayal 10 years from now. I had to stop all the bitterness eating at me. I was normally a happy person, but I changed into a bitter and angry woman during reconciliation (3 months). I had to end it, to save him and save myself. I am at that point now! Wondering if this relationship is worth my sanity. I ask myself every day. Do I love him? Yes. Can I continue to do this? Maybe not.
White Flower Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I am at that point now! Wondering if this relationship is worth my sanity. I ask myself every day. Do I love him? Yes. Can I continue to do this? Maybe not. (((((Spark))))) I suppose if only the memories (which cause the triggers) could be erased. I wonder what BS veterans would tell you to expect 5 years out or even 20?
Snowflower Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (((Spark))) I am so sorry and sad for you. You have been one of the most positive advocates on LS lately who says that yes, a marriage can survive infidelity. But, I know first hand how hard it can be and sometimes it is not possible. I know how hard you have tried to understand what happened to your husband and marriage. You have been the voice of compassion here and I'm sure you're like that IRL, as well. No matter what happens, you'll know that you did everything that you could. I'm glad you're going back to MC--I hope you find a good one to help you through this. How about IC for you? It seems like you're really struggling right now. I'm thinking of you. PM me if you need to talk more.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 After three days of not speaking, we finally talked without recrimination. He admitted he handled it so poorly. He says he is willing to do everything necessary to keep us together. He is upset when I do not share my triggers because he knows immediately I am not in a good place. I told him I need him to provide a safe environment that allows me to communicate them and that he needs to get a grip on his fears and anxieties and irrational JEALOUSIES which cloud every situation lately. His overreactions shut me down. When I shut down, I don't share, I don't initiate, I hibernate. And I no longer care to work so hard on "us." He told me he had no idea she would attend the funeral. He did not know she had snubbed me until I told him about it. It was never discussed between them. He cannot believe his blinding stupidity and shame NOW in introducing her to his children and sister; it was more a gesture of being "nice" than any direct snub to me. Don't forget, we BSs are not even a blip on the radar during an affair. He also said, somehow, having both us in the same room, was the beginning of them falling apart for him. He was unable to YET identify why. I told him that her overly large scripted signature in the funeral guest book provided me with remembering her first name and the "aha" moment of identifying her last name. He had her disguised as a "mr. Blank," in his cell phone. She was pretty certain she would be next Mrs. myWS. She wanted the world to someday realize she had attended his father's funeral. Arrogance goes before the fall. New MC appt. set up. I'll keep you posted.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 (((((((SPARK))))))))) You have been an amazing inspiration to me everyday, I always find your posts so full of hope and help. You seem like a very strong woman and I know that whatever you decide to do you will be alright..you just seem like the type. Please take care of yourself. You know we are all here to listen just like you do for us.
OFGnomore Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I dunno Spark, maybe get to a good place with "you" in IC. Then see if you want to go to MC. I think, in the long run, that both the WS and BS must get to a place of peace individually before they can work on the M. It's like putting two broken pieces together expecting a good fit. Maybe get two "fixed" pieces togther to see if it's a workable whole. I'm sorry your hurting Spark.
turnstone Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 The power to heal the BS lies in the WS's hands, every step of the way. Hmmm, I wonder if sometimes a better way of healing is to take the power completely from the WS's hands. Would more self-reliance go a long way?
Indypendence Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Spark, I may be wrong, but I have read some of your posts over the past week or so and thought there was something not quite right, possibly other things have been triggering too and this was the biggie. I am also 2.5 yrs on from D Day and sometimes there are so many triggers it's like a meeting at the Alamo. Mine usually creep up on me, tail me for a while and then take a huge chunk out of my arse. They also usually catch up with me when I am beginning to get comfortable, happy, trusting - you know, that feeling before the A, the happy marriage got your back feeling. I think my coping mechanism then kicks in and sort of says, whoa, slow down, look at what happened when you were that happy before, look what happened when you believed this person. Then hell breaks loose, I expect him to understand that I need to see compassion for my feelings, to feel the same sense of outrage that I do - but of course he cannot, because he has been busy stuffing it into boxes and putting it in the attic (metaphorically) and here I am throwing the whole dammed loft space at him - he feels shame, all over again, the world hasn't gone back to safe, it has suddenly become hostile and he just wants to hide. At times he cannot understand why, but mostly, when the dust has settled and we talk, I see that him not feeling as I do is because to him, he is the cause, he has done this and he is ashamed. I am sorry Spark, I know you will get through this, I am not so good at explaining and could write War and Peace on this before I got my point across. Just take care x Those bolded and underlined words above ring so very true for me. I am leaving in my mind daily.
Recommended Posts