Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Wondering if this is normal...It is 2.5 years since DDay, and I triggered big-time yesterday passing the funeral home where my FIL was buried. It is in another county and I do not believe I have passed it since we buried him. I loved that man and he loved me. I met my H young, so I've known my FIL since I was a teenager. The OW was a work colleague of my H's, and she attended the funeral with her admin ass't. Out of the corner of my eye as I was accepting condolences, I watched him introduce our children to her and one sister; the sister he had been communicating to regarding his "friendship," unbeknownst to me. Thinking she was an important colleague, I then excused myself and went to introduce myself to her. She didn't respond. She did not even look at me. I turn to see what she is staring out, and it is my husband, in the back of the room greeting his uncle. I honestly assumed she was deaf, or hard of hearing, and I moved passed her to join my husband in the back of the room. As soon as I reach him, he moves away again, and I talk with his uncle. I would not discover she was the OW, for another 5 months. In retrospect, I was MOST definitely and deliberately snubbed and disrespected by BOTH of them on this saddest of days. Needless to say, the rest of the day went to hell. We are not speaking. I do not believe I can forgive this. The display of arrogance on both their parts overwhelms me. I cannot grieve my FIL's passing without this one scene burned into my memory. Guess what? IF there is a spirit presence after death, guess what day, five months later, I would discover the text that would lead to DDAY? FIL's birthday! How about that.
OFGnomore Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Wondering if this is normal...It is 2.5 years since DDay, and I triggered big-time yesterday passing the funeral home where my FIL was buried. It is in another county and I do not believe I have passed it since we buried him. I loved that man and he loved me. I met my H young, so I've known my FIL since I was a teenager. The OW was a work colleague of my H's, and she attended the funeral with her admin ass't. Out of the corner of my eye as I was accepting condolences, I watched him introduce our children to her and one sister; the sister he had been communicating to regarding his "friendship," unbeknownst to me. Thinking she was an important colleague, I then excused myself and went to introduce myself to her. She didn't respond. She did not even look at me. I turn to see what she is staring out, and it is my husband, in the back of the room greeting his uncle. I honestly assumed she was deaf, or hard of hearing, and I moved passed her to join my husband in the back of the room. As soon as I reach him, he moves away again, and I talk with his uncle. I would not discover she was the OW, for another 5 months. In retrospect, I was MOST definitely and deliberately snubbed and disrespected by BOTH of them on this saddest of days. Needless to say, the rest of the day went to hell. We are not speaking. I do not believe I can forgive this. The display of arrogance on both their parts overwhelms me. I cannot grieve my FIL's passing without this one scene burned into my memory. Guess what? IF there is a spirit presence after death, guess what day, five months later, I would discover the text that would lead to DDAY? FIL's birthday! How about that. This is that "gift that keeps on giving" BNB referenced. I think part of reconciling with a WS, is understanding and accepting that for the rest of your life this will haunt you, some days more than others. MY SIL's H claims she ruined his life by confessing her affair. Wishes she never told him. But they are still married. Just this a.m. my H told me never a day goes by he doesn't think about it. And if your a person capable of true empathy, it sucks for all parties involved BSs and WSs. Somedays, I don't know what the answer is, maybe time. And some days, I wonder if just starting over for all parties, clean slate, is the way to go. I'm sorry you're hurting Spark.
PhoenixRise Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Sometimes the disrespect really is breathtaking isn't it. Spark I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I don't believe these triggers are your lot in life for the rest of your life. I believe that the pain you are feeling now is just a signal of another issue that you need to address with your husband. Does he know that you are triggered or is he thinking that you two are fighting about an unrelated issue?
Snowflower Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Wondering if this is normal...It is 2.5 years since DDay, and I triggered big-time yesterday passing the funeral home where my FIL was buried. -snip- Needless to say, the rest of the day went to hell. We are not speaking. I do not believe I can forgive this. The display of arrogance on both their parts overwhelms me. I cannot grieve my FIL's passing without this one scene burned into my memory. Guess what? IF there is a spirit presence after death, guess what day, five months later, I would discover the text that would lead to DDAY? FIL's birthday! How about that. Oh Spark, it is understandable that you would trigger if this was the first time that you had passed by the funeral home where it all went down. I think Phoenix brings up a very good point, have you ever really talked with your H about how you felt about the snubbing from your H and the OW that occurred on that already really sad day? Did your H know why you were upset the other day? Personally, I think the triggers are a way in which a BS heals. I know some things/places that used to trigger me no longer do--because I have healed in part. If this was the first time you encountered this trigger, it may be an area of healing that you still need to work on--the painful events at your FIL's funeral. Personally, I think your H should feel like sh*t for making this already painful event (the death of someone you both loved) even MORE painful for you--and by default, him. I can't even imagine... Interesting that you found that incriminating text on your FIL's birthday. Strange coincidence, it's sort of like your FIL was trying to tell you something from wherever he was. I would take comfort in that thought, actually.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Oh he knows.....I just had pointed my thumb in the direction of the funeral home (he was driving), and before one word had come out of my mouth, he erupted with, "Yes, that was where my father's funeral was and she was there and is this going to be the trigger for the day? I just want to know." His tone was both anxious, slightly angry and dismissive. I went crazy, releasing from the bottom of my toes, anger, hostility and epithets, more in reaction to his reaction, than to the funeral home. Not proud of it. More importantly, why is it still there????? We then met our children and acted "normal." After the event was over, he left me to go home with them saying he "needed time alone." I texted him. I said it was way too soon to be non-compassionate to the pain he has caused. Could he have handled it better? If he had said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry she was there and snubbed you and I ignored you then." You know what I would have said then? "Thank you for that." We haven't really spoken since. Is it me? Is it him? How do I go from being so secure one day to I-don't-think-I'm-strong enough-to do this the next? In absolutely every way possible he is a kinder, more attentive, wonderful man except one: handling conversation, questions, and my triggers following the affair. Guess what is/was the most important thing to me? That. A continuing show of compassion and reassurance. Why is/has that been so hard for him? Am I suppose to oh-so-over it as he is? Guess I am not. I feel so shut down from sharing any negative emotion or reaction with him.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Sometimes the disrespect really is breathtaking isn't it. yes, and here is the other thing: If he never mentioned a bad word about me (definitely implied on some level) why was his OW there acting as if she is the wife? Standing there as if trying to literally infuse him with strength with a laser-like glare, hands-on-hips, while ignoring me? WTF was that all about? Proving to him she was the better person? Giving him her undivided attention so HE could manage HIS pain? I had children, neices and nephews to comfort. They TOO had lost an adored grandfather. TODAY, IN RETROSPECT, IT WAS A BRAZEN AND ARROGANT DISPLAY OF COMPETITION WITH ME! That morning had been fine. He had been preparing his eulogy for the Memorial at the church the next morning. He asked me for advice and I helped him to edit it. It was powerful and moving and I told him so. He sent it to her. It still hurts too much.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Oh Spark, it is understandable that you would trigger if this was the first time that you had passed by the funeral home where it all went down. One thing I told him was, you made sure this affair was in my face. Let's talk about the empowering revenge elements you and she shared? Personally, I think the triggers are a way in which a BS heals. I know some things/places that used to trigger me no longer do--because I have healed in part. If this was the first time you encountered this trigger, it may be an area of healing that you still need to work on--the painful events at your FIL's funeral. Personally, I think your H should feel like sh*t for making this already painful event (the death of someone you both loved) even MORE painful for you--and by default, him. I can't even imagine... Neither can I. And rather than having a calm conversation, why would he blow up like that? I mean, I think he is triggering and projecting it on me! Interesting that you found that incriminating text on your FIL's birthday. Strange coincidence, it's sort of like your FIL was trying to tell you something from wherever he was. I would take comfort in that thought, actually. I do! And there were other coincidences of dates, that in retrospect, are mind-blowing.
fooled once Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Oh Spark ((hug)) I am so sorry. So many times, the OW inserts herself, trying to BE the woman in the MM's life and ends up making herself look stupid, in retrospect. Think about it - she had the gall to go and act like SHE was the wife of the man who lost his father. She tried to make her presence known. She thought she was all that...and where is she today? This is what so many OW don't realize -- when things really matter, they aren't the ones who are truly WITH the cheater. Accidents and hospital stays..where are the OW? Sitting and waiting by a phone; not at the hospital making decisions. They have no power there. This woman at that time thought she had power. And while your H was stupid enough to allow her to think that, in the end, she had no power. Don't give her any power now. Don't allow her to undo all the hard work you have gone through. Yes, your H responded wrong. Let him know that in the future, if a trigger comes up, what the right way to respond is. Not for him to act as if he is an innocent victim in all this. Had he not caused the issue to begin with, there wouldn't have been a trigger. I am so sorry you are hurting ((hugs))
jwi71 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Triggers are how often for you? How often do you think about the A? The OW? How happy are you with your M? I'm sorry, but I said once before months back I was concerned about you. Still am.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Oh Spark ((hug)) I am so sorry. So many times, the OW inserts herself, trying to BE the woman in the MM's life and ends up making herself look stupid, in retrospect. Think about it - she had the gall to go and act like SHE was the wife of the man who lost his father. She tried to make her presence known. She thought she was all that...and where is she today? This is what so many OW don't realize -- when things really matter, they aren't the ones who are truly WITH the cheater. Accidents and hospital stays..where are the OW? Sitting and waiting by a phone; not at the hospital making decisions. They have no power there. This woman at that time thought she had power. And while your H was stupid enough to allow her to think that, in the end, she had no power. Don't give her any power now. Don't allow her to undo all the hard work you have gone through. Yes, your H responded wrong. Let him know that in the future, if a trigger comes up, what the right way to respond is. Not for him to act as if he is an innocent victim in all this. Had he not caused the issue to begin with, there wouldn't have been a trigger. I am so sorry you are hurting ((hugs)) No, in actuality, I feel sorry for her. "If that is as good as it gets," for some people, well, that is really sad. I believe, and have always believed in full disclosure. My imagination IS obsessive! Hell, I made a living as a writer, fercryin'outloud. New induction with a marriage counselor. She believes too many details are destructive to the marriage. Know how I feel? One MORE person telling me I CANNOT HAVE what I want. Why do I want it? In the understanding of all, we will be better able to ensure it never happens again. When he triggers, I am LESS reassured he understand why he did what he did. I am uneasy. It does not "just go away." I am unable to compartmentalize like he apparently can. It disturbs me that he can.
PhoenixRise Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Spark I think he WAS triggered too. Way before you actually passed that funeral home he was remembering what happened there and what he allowed to happen. AND he knew how you were going react to passing by that funeral home for the first time since your FIL died. So instead of acknowledging his own feelings about what happened that day, he was dismissive and defensive. Tell him Hell yeah that was the trigger for the day. AND there may be other triggers on other days. Ask him if he can grow enough to clean up the mess he created without complaining about it. As for him sending her the eulogy text that you helped him edit....Spark, he wanted to include her, and he wanted her validation about what he would be saying that day he also wanted her sympathy over his loss. It was just more disrespect of you to make her feel that she was the one having the primary relationship with him. It is why she felt comfortable enough to behave as she did at the funeral. She behaved the way she did at the funeral because he made her believe she was his primary relationship.
Fight4Me Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Spark, I'm coming up on one year, so I still have regular triggers (although not as much as most, it seems). Since the OW was LD, I don't have any local landmarks that cause them, but there are flashbacks that will come out of nowhere that seem to be triggered by some areas of the house at a certain times of day when something "feels" like it did back then. It's difficult to explain to someone who has never been a BS. Your husband's handling of the trigger seems to be the crux of your current state. Had he responded with compassion, you probably wouldn't have needed to start this thread. I have told my husband that he has the power to heal me, especially when he recognizes I'm triggering. He sometimes fails, but the important thing is that he will realize his mistake and work to repair the damage. I think many WSs think there's an expiration date on pain, especially if there's been a long stretch of smooth sailing, and then WHAM! ICEBERG! I believe we will still have triggers, although they should dissipate over time. Being a betrayed spouse is traumatic, and I think many of us suffer from PTSD, so it stands to reason that something like this could happen 2, 3, 5 years out. How does your fWH normally respond to these sorts of things?
Snowflower Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Well, his response to your trigger was very poor. Like F4M mentioned, unless you have been a BS, the triggers are hard to understand. Although I do think that WS have them too but keep them to themselves most of the time. Perhaps your husband was remembering, as well and it brought up some difficult feelings/memories for him. Instead of handling it in a mature way, or even keeping it to himself, he lashed out at you. Very unfair considering all you have been through. Had things been going well up until a few days ago when this happened? I think WS become prematurely optimistic that everything is 'better' for their BS when things have been going well in the marriage for a period of time. I know when I have triggered, gotten sad for no apparent reason (the most long-term emotional fallout I have had since d-day are waves of sadness that come for no apparent reason), questioned my husband (trust issues, anyone) sometimes my husband will react in a way I don't entirely like. Spark, you helped me through this one time! Anyway, your husband needs to understand that this is part of the mess that he made. I do think that he was having some bad feelings as the two of you approached the area, braced himself for your reaction (while he was feeling his own) and reacted defensively. (no excuse for him, but maybe it is an explanation?) Just remember, recovering your marriage is the hardest thing that the two of you have ever done. It's very, very difficult as you well know.
bentnotbroken Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (((Spark))) Know you too are having a normal reaction and the time frame is also well within the range that most counselors say it takes to get too healing.
silktricks Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hey, Spark - I am soooo incredibly sorry that you're having a difficult time. It really sucks that some important days were stolen from you. Be aware, though, that the two of you have made HUGE strides forward. One step back, even if it feels gigantic right now is still just one step back. It's not the end, unless you decide that it is. Triggers are difficult and made even more so when the response isn't what we need. But, please don't assume that because you didn't get the response you wanted, that it automatically means your husband has compartmentalized. He knew where you were mentally. He handled it poorly, but he knew. I think what happens for the WS isn't really that different than it is for the BS. It's just that our reactions are completely different. Your husband (I would bet) feels immense shame at what he did. He doesn't want you to feel bad AND he doesn't want to live in shame anymore. So, he wants it all to go away. He wants you to be fine - regardless of what has triggered you being completely un-fine. When you are in pain - so is he. When you feel sad - so does he. But he knows that what he did created the whole thing. It's his fault - all of it. He knows it. He doesn't want to feel the guilt anymore, so instead of acting the way you need, he just tries to push it all away - and ends up making everything worse. I get it about you needing details. That was me, too. I can tell you what I did about my worst triggers - I kept tripping the trigger so that I'd get past it. I don't have many left anymore.... I'd say I don't have any, but if I did that, I'm sure I'd hit one immediately... Take care. I'm thinkin' of you. (((hugs))) Silk
Snowflower Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Spark, I'm coming up on one year, so I still have regular triggers (although not as much as most, it seems). Since the OW was LD, I don't have any local landmarks that cause them, but there are flashbacks that will come out of nowhere that seem to be triggered by some areas of the house at a certain times of day when something "feels" like it did back then. It's difficult to explain to someone who has never been a BS. This sounds exactly like me except that I am coming up on 18 months since d-day. I know exactly what you mean when something 'feels' like it did back then even though it is absolutely nothing. I used to love to be home by myself sometimes...I could relax, do what I wanted, whatever. Now I have a very difficult time being home by myself, especially at night...brings back bad memories. You can't understand it unless you've been a BS, you're right.
Fight4Me Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 This sounds exactly like me except that I am coming up on 18 months since d-day. I know exactly what you mean when something 'feels' like it did back then even though it is absolutely nothing. I used to love to be home by myself sometimes...I could relax, do what I wanted, whatever. Now I have a very difficult time being home by myself, especially at night...brings back bad memories. You can't understand it unless you've been a BS, you're right. ME TOO! I loved being by myself a lot, and even looked forward to "me time," but the insecurity that manifests after DDay is indescribable and so unnerving. For me, the days are worse because the house is so darn quiet with him at work and the kids at school. It used to be when I was most productive, but I've had to change my routine in order to try and eliminate those feelings of painful familiarity. And heaven forbid if he ever has to go out of town on business. I used to love planning projects and special time with my kids when he was gone (family sleepovers in the living room), but now there's anxiety that arises unnecessarily and I have to fight to hide it from them. I just want to be normal again... at least my brand of normal.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Spark I think he WAS triggered too. Way before you actually passed that funeral home he was remembering what happened there and what he allowed to happen. AND he knew how you were going react to passing by that funeral home for the first time since your FIL died. So instead of acknowledging his own feelings about what happened that day, he was dismissive and defensive. Yes, certainly he was. And that is the crux of it. I thought he would have grown in a way to help him deal with helping me deal with it, better, certainly by now. I really have turned a corner, except for this. It is like I am stuck waiting for him to be a more compassionate man to me. So once again, and maybe this is ego speaking, it IS STILL all about him and his feelings. And that grows tiresome. Tell him Hell yeah that was the trigger for the day. AND there may be other triggers on other days. Ask him if he can grow enough to clean up the mess he created without complaining about it. As for him sending her the eulogy text that you helped him edit....Spark, he wanted to include her, and he wanted her validation about what he would be saying that day he also wanted her sympathy over his loss. It was just more disrespect of you to make her feel that she was the one having the primary relationship with him. It is why she felt comfortable enough to behave as she did at the funeral. She behaved the way she did at the funeral because he made her believe she was his primary relationship.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Spark, I'm coming up on one year, so I still have regular triggers (although not as much as most, it seems). Since the OW was LD, I don't have any local landmarks that cause them, but there are flashbacks that will come out of nowhere that seem to be triggered by some areas of the house at a certain times of day when something "feels" like it did back then. It's difficult to explain to someone who has never been a BS. Your husband's handling of the trigger seems to be the crux of your current state. Had he responded with compassion, you probably wouldn't have needed to start this thread. I have told my husband that he has the power to heal me, especially when he recognizes I'm triggering. He sometimes fails, but the important thing is that he will realize his mistake and work to repair the damage. I think many WSs think there's an expiration date on pain, especially if there's been a long stretch of smooth sailing, and then WHAM! ICEBERG! I believe we will still have triggers, although they should dissipate over time. Being a betrayed spouse is traumatic, and I think many of us suffer from PTSD, so it stands to reason that something like this could happen 2, 3, 5 years out. How does your fWH normally respond to these sorts of things? Not well, not anymore. I think he was MORE SYMPATHETIC during the first year or so, when I had a bag packed and remained unsure what I would do. Now less so, and I think we have built up a terrible dynamic, one I am returning to MC to see if it could finally be put to rest. We will see......
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 This sounds exactly like me except that I am coming up on 18 months since d-day. I know exactly what you mean when something 'feels' like it did back then even though it is absolutely nothing. I used to love to be home by myself sometimes...I could relax, do what I wanted, whatever. Now I have a very difficult time being home by myself, especially at night...brings back bad memories. You can't understand it unless you've been a BS, you're right. ME TOO! I loved being by myself a lot, and even looked forward to "me time," but the insecurity that manifests after DDay is indescribable and so unnerving. For me, the days are worse because the house is so darn quiet with him at work and the kids at school. It used to be when I was most productive, but I've had to change my routine in order to try and eliminate those feelings of painful familiarity. And heaven forbid if he ever has to go out of town on business. I used to love planning projects and special time with my kids when he was gone (family sleepovers in the living room), but now there's anxiety that arises unnecessarily and I have to fight to hide it from them. I just want to be normal again... at least my brand of normal. Me too. You never saw a busier human being. I cannot be home alone often, because it reminds me of all those business "trips" and business "dinners." I have calmed down somewhat. But what a way to live....
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (((Spark))) Know you too are having a normal reaction and the time frame is also well within the range that most counselors say it takes to get too healing. Thanks, Bent. I needed to hear that. And I am tenacious to a fault, so not ready to throw the towel in yet. But I have come to realize their REMAINS something very dysfunctional in this relationship. I hope our next attempt at MC cures it. As long as I am happy, and he works very hard to make me happy, he is happy. But like fight4me said, we hit that iceberg out the blue and all smooth sailing stops.
Author Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Hey, Spark - I am soooo incredibly sorry that you're having a difficult time. It really sucks that some important days were stolen from you. Be aware, though, that the two of you have made HUGE strides forward. One step back, even if it feels gigantic right now is still just one step back. It's not the end, unless you decide that it is. I get that. Sometimes deciding what is best FOR ME is often the hardest. I am so loving and supportive of everyone, maybe too much so. Through therapy, I have learned a good kind of selfish. Triggers are difficult and made even more so when the response isn't what we need. But, please don't assume that because you didn't get the response you wanted, that it automatically means your husband has compartmentalized. He knew where you were mentally. He handled it poorly, but he knew. I think what happens for the WS isn't really that different than it is for the BS. It's just that our reactions are completely different. Your husband (I would bet) feels immense shame at what he did. He doesn't want you to feel bad AND he doesn't want to live in shame anymore. So, he wants it all to go away. He wants you to be fine - regardless of what has triggered you being completely un-fine. When you are in pain - so is he. When you feel sad - so does he. But he knows that what he did created the whole thing. It's his fault - all of it. He knows it. He doesn't want to feel the guilt anymore, so instead of acting the way you need, he just tries to push it all away - and ends up making everything worse. I am so ready to have nice easy conversations about it. I am more ready than he is, apparently. If I cannot share the sadness without him growing defensive, what the hell am I suppose to do with it? Either he is my best friend, or he is not. See what I mean? I get it about you needing details. That was me, too. I can tell you what I did about my worst triggers - I kept tripping the trigger so that I'd get past it. I don't have many left anymore.... I'd say I don't have any, but if I did that, I'm sure I'd hit one immediately... I did that too. Took those cell phone bills and stared at them until they no longer hurt me. That is exactly what I do when confronted with pain. Desensitize myself to it. Take care. I'm thinkin' of you. (((hugs))) Silk Thank you!
White Flower Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Wondering if this is normal...It is 2.5 years since DDay, and I triggered big-time yesterday passing the funeral home where my FIL was buried. It is in another county and I do not believe I have passed it since we buried him. I loved that man and he loved me. I met my H young, so I've known my FIL since I was a teenager. The OW was a work colleague of my H's, and she attended the funeral with her admin ass't. Out of the corner of my eye as I was accepting condolences, I watched him introduce our children to her and one sister; the sister he had been communicating to regarding his "friendship," unbeknownst to me. Thinking she was an important colleague, I then excused myself and went to introduce myself to her. She didn't respond. She did not even look at me. I turn to see what she is staring out, and it is my husband, in the back of the room greeting his uncle. I honestly assumed she was deaf, or hard of hearing, and I moved passed her to join my husband in the back of the room. As soon as I reach him, he moves away again, and I talk with his uncle. I would not discover she was the OW, for another 5 months. In retrospect, I was MOST definitely and deliberately snubbed and disrespected by BOTH of them on this saddest of days. Needless to say, the rest of the day went to hell. We are not speaking. I do not believe I can forgive this. The display of arrogance on both their parts overwhelms me. I cannot grieve my FIL's passing without this one scene burned into my memory. Guess what? IF there is a spirit presence after death, guess what day, five months later, I would discover the text that would lead to DDAY? FIL's birthday! How about that. (((((Spark))))) Spark, I'm sorry you had a bad trigger. What a doozie! All the details so perfectly remembered. What a @#$%^&!!! that woman was for snubbing you on such a sad day. It is completely astonishing that both of them treated you that way. I for one would not behave that way and God forbid should MM die before he D's I will not attend his funeral. I will visit his grave later by myself but I would not put his W or his family through any kind of pain that would lead to a bad memory. Spark, what do you want from your H? What would make you feel better? You need to tell him so he can provide it for you. Would it be an apology? Or a happy trip to that town so that when you pass it by again there will be a newer and happier memory? You need to find something that he can do that will help you prevent this trigger from happening again. (((((Spark)))))
White Flower Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Oh he knows.....I just had pointed my thumb in the direction of the funeral home (he was driving), and before one word had come out of my mouth, he erupted with, "Yes, that was where my father's funeral was and she was there and is this going to be the trigger for the day? I just want to know." His tone was both anxious, slightly angry and dismissive. I went crazy, releasing from the bottom of my toes, anger, hostility and epithets, more in reaction to his reaction, than to the funeral home. Not proud of it. More importantly, why is it still there????? We then met our children and acted "normal." After the event was over, he left me to go home with them saying he "needed time alone." I texted him. I said it was way too soon to be non-compassionate to the pain he has caused. Could he have handled it better? If he had said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry she was there and snubbed you and I ignored you then." You know what I would have said then? "Thank you for that." OKay, tell him this is what you need. Make it easy for him. We haven't really spoken since. Is it me? Is it him? How do I go from being so secure one day to I-don't-think-I'm-strong enough-to do this the next? In absolutely every way possible he is a kinder, more attentive, wonderful man except one: handling conversation, questions, and my triggers following the affair. Guess what is/was the most important thing to me? That. A continuing show of compassion and reassurance. Why is/has that been so hard for him? Because men are very logical thinkers. They think that if they say sorry once, it is the end of it. We need to remind them that since this A took a lot of time out of your lives, his sorries are going to take just as long if not longer. Am I suppose to [be] oh-so-over it as he is? Nope. It doesn't work that way. Guess I am not. I feel so shut down from sharing any negative emotion or reaction with him. He needs to make it as safe a place for you to feel your pain as possible and you need to make it known that you are not milking it (in his eyes). Some men tend to think all women are drama queens and like to drag things out. A fallacy for sure, so we need to remind them that our pain is real. Tell him what you need, as simple as it is, and tell him you want it to be sincere. This may take him a while.
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