Finally saw a picture of OW

[Confused4Now]

Yes, I have become a workout fiend. At the gym 7 days a week. I wear clothes that are classy, but sexy..I am terrified of looking fat (especially bc I have big boobs)...Gone are the days when I just dressed to look cute "for other women"--girls, you know what I am talking about) The blow to my ego was HUGE, absolutely enormous. I can feel the side effects of the affair in almost every decision I make whether I am conscious of it or not.

This is what I'd love to hear from everyone who struggles....it's the best remedy to getting yourself to a healthy place. I left my marriage and being in an affair weighing a fat 254lbs. 26 months later....Divorce has been final for a year and AP pretty much out of the picture. I focus on my health and kids. I'm now 204lbs and probably in the best shape in a very long time. I remember the days of sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself taking ambien and depression medication. UGH so glad that's over.

 

Keep moving forward and don't look back....

[ladydesigner]

Yes, I have become a workout fiend. At the gym 7 days a week. I wear clothes that are classy, but sexy..I am terrified of looking fat (especially bc I have big boobs)...Gone are the days when I just dressed to look cute "for other women"--girls, you know what I am talking about) The blow to my ego was HUGE, absolutely enormous. I can feel the side effects of the affair in almost every decision I make whether I am conscious of it or not.

 

I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. I am the exact same way. My H had an A I had a RA, now we are even. I keep up my looks and now it makes my H hella nervous. Sorry but it serves him right plus I feel great about myself too. Gone are the days that I solely depend on a man and wait for his approval or attention F that. The side affects of my Hs A made me a strong independent woman, I love it!

[Confused4Now]

I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. I am the exact same way. My H had an A I had a RA, now we are even. I keep up my looks and now it makes my H hella nervous. Sorry but it serves him right plus I feel great about myself too. Gone are the days that I solely depend on a man and wait for his approval or attention F that. The side affects of my Hs A made me a strong independent woman, I love it!

Now that is what I'm talking about!!!! I LOVE it when I read stuff like this. Awesome to see someone being all that they can be....don't depend on any man or woman to make you happy.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, I am laughing out loud...I thought it was strange you were kind of being "nice" to me.

 

problem is, to revenge cheat, it isn't like anyone can say, "I only did it to get even". To cheat at all, whether revenge is the excuse or not, means you wanted to all along, just decided not to.

 

geez, I feel betrayed now.

[aeh]

problem is, to revenge cheat, it isn't like anyone can say, "I only did it to get even". To cheat at all, whether revenge is the excuse or not, means you wanted to all along, just decided not to.

 

geez, I feel betrayed now.

 

I'm laughing, Dexter. I was waiting for my beatdown from you. I know you won't believe this, but I honestly was NEVER waiting to do that. Would have never ever seriously crossed my mind. You know that tunnel vision that MadMission and others talk about? I had it. And I want to have it again. Maybe I will someday with my H. That's the best feeling in the world. I remember thinking last year, "It is so nice to not have to worry or be jealous or think about my husband being lustful of other women." Ha ha on me!!

 

I really didn't want to. Once I found out, came hell or high water I was going to. Like I said, out of my mind.

[Cinnamon2000]

Very similar situation here... I thought I married "a nice Christian guy" from a strong Christian family (interestingly, his parents divorced shortly after we got married). Even during his affair, when I suspected things and openly asked him whether he was having an affair - it was all just part of a fight. Deep down I thought "No, he would NEVER have an affair... even if he stopped loving me, he would NEVER have an affair..." What a fool I was! And yes, I kick myself still for being so naive and stupid to believe him and trust him in the first place... trust him enough to marry him.. and oh God, to have children with him! What a mistake.

 

I'm glad to hear you and your H are doing much better now... My H seems to have given up as of late.

 

How is he given up? Isn't you the one who is deciding whether to give up or not? Do you think he is in contact with the affair partner or thinking about getting back with her?

 

His attitude is not good. He should be entitled to have this attitude at all since he was the one who cheated and supposedly was this good Christian man.

[Katerina]

How is he given up? Isn't you the one who is deciding whether to give up or not? Do you think he is in contact with the affair partner or thinking about getting back with her?

 

His attitude is not good. He should be entitled to have this attitude at all since he was the one who cheated and supposedly was this good Christian man.

 

We had a fight... me screaming and yelling again.. sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and I get out of control. This caused him, temporarily, to lose hope, so he became withdrawn. This lasted for a couple of weeks... And I NEED him to be there for me. But we finally had a good talk and I think we're back on the right track. Thank you for your interest.

[aeh]

I totally understand where you are at, Katerina. My H and I go through this on a weekly or bi-weekly basis as far as him losing hope because he thinks I am done with him. And, when I think about things (which I do, all the time) I become angry and say hurtful things. Then I work through it and am okay again. So you had a RA? Or just a date? How did that go? What did your H say?

 

I really hope that someday I will get past dwelling on his A. Seeing her picture obviously stirred up a lot of things in me since I had never seen her before. I guess it was good and bad. She wasn't beautiful or even pretty like I had made her out to be, but as I said, she did have a cute figure and now I can REALLY envision the two of them together since I have a clear picture of her face and body.

 

Will I ever look at my H the same? I don't know.

[Katerina]

I saw the slut's (sorry) picture too a couple of days ago. Actually, I had seen a picture before but of course H lied to me about she was. But then I tracked her down on a site similar to classmates . com. I understand what you went through.. I've been there, and I can't even talk about all the feelings. I saved the pic on my computer then deleted it. I want to throw up right now just thinking about that.

 

RA... I don't know if it was "revenge". More like hopelessness, low self-esteem, and pain from all the things my H was telling me at the time. It was a 2-3 week on-line thing, then we met. H knew where I was going and with whom... We were "emotionally divorced" as Dr. Phil would say it at that time. There was lots of yelling, crying etc before I left. Him telling his mother who told some other relatives didn't help - I felt like my reputation was ruined, so might as well.... Two days later H and I made up, lots of crying again, on both parts... It was surely one of the turning point experiences. I never spoke to or saw that man again and don't wish to.

[Dexter Morgan]

I understand all too well the pain and frustration of being betrayed.

 

But once you have a revenge affair, there is no trying to justify it and, in my opinion, lose the right to complain about being betrayed yourself.

 

even if one tries to justify it as "revenge", you have now become what has hurt you....there is no "it was JUST a revenge affair".

[aeh]

Katerina,

 

I had to laugh out loud at you saying "slut". I was just thinking about my H's OW this morning and was thinking of a similar term. I agree when you saying it maybe wasn't even a REVENGE affair--more about your self-esteem, etc. I don't know that I would have exactly termed mine "revenge" either in some ways. It was not so much about getting back at him (part of it was) but more like re-claiming some part of me to feel wanted again.

 

Dex, you're right. These are all excuses though. Nothing justifies my RA or makes it right.

[aeh]

I understand all too well the pain and frustration of being betrayed.

 

But once you have a revenge affair, there is no trying to justify it and, in my opinion, lose the right to complain about being betrayed yourself.

 

even if one tries to justify it as "revenge", you have now become what has hurt you....there is no "it was JUST a revenge affair".

 

In my eyes, I will NEVER lose my right to complain about it! He destroyed my world without my asking for it, crumpled my innocence and trust, and changed something in me forever. It doesn't give me an excuse for the RA but I will never lose my right to complain about his unprovoked betrayal of me and our family.

[Dexter Morgan]

In my eyes, I will NEVER lose my right to complain about it!

 

then he has every right to complain about yours then

[Katerina]

Dexter Morgan, I noticed a long time ago that you're a very angry man... at life in general. Never wanted to say this, but I will now.

 

I answered another poster's questions. I'm sorry I didn't ask for your opinion. Thanks a lot for your support.

 

Those who stay in touch with me through PM, I welcome your messages. I won't post here anymore... among the righteous. I have enough stress in my life to read stuff like this in my address.

Edited May 8, 2010 by Katerina

[Katerina]

then he has every right to complain about yours then

 

Last thing.. not really. I'll speak for my situation. It was my H's behavior/affair that put me into that desperate situation. Finding out that the man you trusted lied to you and f**ed someone else for the last 1.5 years does that to you sometimes.. not to mention the lies for 4 more months after that... Everything that happened in the aftermath IS and WAS a result of his behavior.

 

But you know what? Despite of everything we're still together and have our children as #1 priority. That is something to be proud of. As well as an attempt to forgive. I'd rather do that than stay angry for the rest of my life and have children suffer as well. They don't deserve to be paying for their parent(s) sins.

Edited May 8, 2010 by Katerina

[Cinnamon2000]

Katrina and aeh, I think I know why it's so hard for you two to "forgive and forget," if such thing really exists.

[Cinnamon2000]

Katrina and aeh, the following letter/post is written by a true rependant former cheating spouse. You can copy and print the following and give it to your H if you like:

 

If I had never said I was sorry, and if I do not act as though I'm sorry in everyday life and especially how I treat you, writing this letter would mean nothing. In fact, under tose conditions, a mere letter would infuriate you.

 

In light of all this, I am more than confident of the sorrow I feel, that it shows and I have to continue to tell you I am sorry. So hopefully this letter only reinforces what is continually being expressed. My ultimate goal is to make you know that I am sorry (although I could never fully show you), by the way I live.

 

I'm sorry for so many things...I'm sorry for letting you down. You beleived in m e, I'm sorry for ruining your belief. For taking things that you were sure of , that I made you sure of, and turning them upside down.

 

I'm sorry for killing your good friend. The guy you confided in. The man you could go and talk to about something that upset you. The one you would call on when no one else would do. The one youshared yourself with. The one you were a freind to. The one you talked to for hours and hours when you were single, the one you belived enough in to walk down that aisle. "I'm sorry" doesn;t come close to how I feel for changing "I do" to "I didn't". i'll be shedding tears in my grave that only God will see.

 

I know this because my sorrow has buried me six feet in a casket made of regret, in a box where light and air is no more. A prisioner of the past. And everyday I am there now, And God sees the tears. And everytime I take a peak out above the ground, I see a tombstone with your name on it. And the only thing worse than being where I am is knowing where you are and knowing that I put you there.

 

I am sorry that I separted you from your friend, the one who loved you, was commited and dedicated to you. The one you were commited to and dedicated to. The one you stayed faithful to.

 

I'm sorry the person who cared for me, the person I love, I hurt more than anyone I've ever hurt in the world. I'm sorry for every time during the day and night you think about what I've done. I'm sorry for every tear you shed because your husband cheated on you, had sexual relations with other people. I'm sorry that I decieved you, lied to you, misled you, I'm sorry I was a hypocrite, acting like I was faithful and doing the right things, the honorable things, when I wasn't.

 

I'm so sorry that I took a person out of your heart, who you were so proud of, so appreciative of the way you thought he handled your illness. I'm sorry I crushed all the good feelings you had. I hate the fact I crushed all the warm feelings you enjoyed, the good and conforting thoughts you had.

 

I"m sorry I replaced the one you trusted with someone you no longer want to trust. I'm sorry I blindsided you with awful and shocking news that the person you thought would always uphold you in the tough times, kicked you when you were down. No matter what I now say and do, you know I let you down in the worst possible way. I'm sorry that there are no words to soothe your pain, no magic wand to change the past.

 

I'm sorry for the humiliation I've caused you. I'm sorry that you ever have any thoughts at all that you are inadequate. I hate that. I know they are very painful thoughts for you to have. I'm sorry that your friend treated you like an eenemy.

 

I'm sorry for every second I pursued another women. I'm sorry for every second I flirted. I'm sorry for every second I was with them. I'm sorry for every second I touched them. I'm sorry for every second I plotted to be with them. I'm sorry for every second I allowed myself to be even around them, I'm sorry I ever met them. I'm sorry that I ever looked at them or spoke to them. I'm sorry I ever gave any hint or suggestion that I was interested in anyone or anything other than you. I'm sorry that you live with the knowledge that I did every one of these things. I'm sorry I violated the trust you had in me regarding these things.

 

I'm sorry I took my body and mind and put myself in a sexual sewer. I'm sorry that I had inappropriate and destructive realationships with other people who were somebody's daughter, mom, finance, wife,friend,sister,aunt,neighbor,cousin.

 

I'm sorry that I allowed other women to have inappropriate and destructive relationships with your husband, our kids dad, my parents son, my brothers and sisters brother, my aunt's nephew, my neices uncle, our neighbor's neighbor,( he names them by name) a hockey and baseball team's coach, a whole bunch of young people's former youth pastor and a churchful of people's former assistant pastor, your parent's son-in-law your brothers brother-in-law , with someone who was many peoples friend, christian brother and neighbor.

 

I'm sorry you had to see a moron, a loser, an idiot throw away his life, break all his dreams, ruin his wifes life and break all her dreams, disgrace his family, disgrace his wife, disgrace his kids.

 

I'm sorry I destroyed the fact we were faithful to one another, destroyed the specialness you felt making love to your husband. I hate all those things so much. I'm sorry that you have to feel pain for all these things when you know it's not fair. I'm sorry for all the injustice you've incurred.

 

I'm sorry that I dug a hole and put you in it and took away your light and air. I'm sorry that I at least temporarily ruined our lives, your life. I'm sorry that I let our daughter down so bad. I'm sorry for all the ways this has affected her. I'm sorry she has a dad who is such a terrible, awful, rotten man. I'm sorry that I'm not the dad she deserves and never could be. I'm sorry she thought she had a great dad, that her mommy had a great husband. I'm sorry I can no longer tell her to marry a man like her dad. I can never say those words to her again, ever. I'm sorry that when I dance with her to Daddy's little girl, there will be rears of eternal regret falling from her father's eyes down onto her beautiful hair. I'm sorry that's just the way it is and there is nothing I can do to change it.

 

I'm sorry that you will never feel pride about me again. I'm sorry for the doubt you feel in everything I say or do. I'm sorry you dont feel confident or secure in a future. I'm sorry your not enjoying the simple pleasures you normally would, spending time enjoying thing you normally would.

 

I'm sorry you dont look forward to being with your husband. I'm sorry you dont miss him when he isn't home. I'm sorry you dont love him. I'm sorry you don't feel good about him, that your not happy being seen with him. I'm sorry you think you never knew him.

 

I'm sorry for every moment I was angry or cross with you when I was mad and disgusted at myself. I'm sorry fir every moment I didn't repent and turn from my wicked ways. I'm sorry I didn't repent after the first time, the second, etc.

 

Many days I'm sorry I was ever born, because today you would be happier, better off with someone treating you right, taking better care of you, with someone who stuck by you when you were sick, with someone who could give you the things you want, the affection you deserve.

 

I'm sorry for everyday of our lives that I wasn't a better man, that I didn't treat you right, didn't talk to you right, didn't uphold you, support you, lift you up, give you hope, make you know how special you are, every day I didn't somehow inspire you by my deeds to be a better person yourself. I'm sorry for every time I've ever hurt you. I'm sorry for not saying the right thing, thinking of you in little ways that would make you happy. I'm sorry for every moment you don't enjoy life because of the misery I've caused. I'm sorry, so sorry, for every moment you've had to feel, hurt, lonely, abandoned, crushed, defeated, lost, helpless, hopeless, disgusted, discounted, forgotten, spit on, punched, kicked, laughed at, put down, beat up, broken, cheap, neglected, run over, spun around, disoriented, left out, depressed, sad, tearful, angry, bitter...etc.

 

I'm sorry I broke my vows to you. I'm sorry I didn't do what I promised. I'm sorry I wasn't man enough, wasn't good enough, didn't have character enough, strength enough, courage enough, belief enough, perseverance enough to do the things I said I would. I'm sorry I've failed at being a husband, a father, a man, a human being.

 

I'm sorry I broke God's heart. I'm sorry I hurt people He loves. I'm sorry that I became the man the prophet described to David, who hurt innocent people. I'm sorry I had to hear God say "Thou art the man".

 

I'm sorry I put so much sin between God and myself, between you and myself. I'm sorry I broke the two most important bonds I ever had. I'm sorry that, as a temple of the Holy Spirit, I defiled God's temple, because wherever I go whatever sin I do, God's presence is also brought to that place. I defiled His Word, His Law, I took all that was good and did evil. I'm sorry I showed contempt for the both of you. I'm sorry I brought Him shame.

 

I'm sorry I sinned against you and Him, I'm sorry I didn't repent immediately and completely, I'm sorry that when I finally told you, I didn't say everything, I'm sorry I withheld some things. I'm sorry I put you through the whole process.

 

I'm sorry when I wake up, when I work, when I play, when I eat, when I fast, when I pray, when I laugh, when I cry, when I'm alone, when I'm with you, when I talk, when I am silent. I'm sorry when I run, when I walk, rest, think, meditate, listen, understand, when I don't understand, when I hope, when I fear, when I'm in despair, when I'm uplifted, I am sorry when you do all these things, when you anything, when you do nothing, I am sorry.

 

I am sorry right now. I will be sorry tomorrow and everyday and night after tomorrow, through sunshine, rain, every season, every year, every moment, every breath, I will always be sorry until God Himself wipes away every tear. I am sorry that if I run over a mountain, or wim an ocean, I can't change what I've done and what it's done to you.

 

I'm sorry enough to give you my dollar , my only dollar everyday, knowing I don't have a million days. (end of letter)

 

(The last sentence is referring to our counselor giving the analogy of him owing me a million dollars and he can only pay me one dollar a day. )

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter Morgan, I noticed a long time ago that you're a very angry man... at life in general.

 

nah, I love life, I just don't like it when people hurt other people. call me kooky

 

 

I answered another poster's questions. I'm sorry I didn't ask for your opinion.

 

doesn't matter whether you asked for it or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

Last thing.. not really. I'll speak for my situation. It was my H's behavior/affair that put me into that desperate situation.

 

bs, if you can cheat, whether revenge or whatnot, then he can complain about your cheating too.

 

 

Finding out that the man you trusted lied to you and f**ed someone else for the last 1.5 years does that to you sometimes

 

you didn't see me going out and sticking it to another woman. I fully understand the pain involved of being cheated on. But if you cheat back, then the other person would have the right then to complain....would be rather silly of them to, but once you cheat you can't claim the high ground any longer.

 

 

But you know what? Despite of everything we're still together and have our children as #1 priority. That is something to be proud of. As well as an attempt to forgive. I'd rather do that than stay angry for the rest of my life and have children suffer as well. They don't deserve to be paying for their parent(s) sins.

 

My children are doing great. They have a happier father, rather than one that would simply be stuck in a marriage to a wretch.

[Katerina]

Katrina and aeh, I think I know why it's so hard for you two to "forgive and forget," if such thing really exists.

 

Thank you so much for what you wrote (including the letter you posted). In the end, the lesson of love and forgiveness is much bigger than that of hate and unforgivingness... for all of us, including our children if they ever find out about their parents' situation.

 

Every time I came to LS I was at my lowest, so I only wrote my most depressing thoughts and feelings here. On most days, though, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. People make mistakes and they can be truly sorry for them and suffer inwardly for the rest of their lives. I don't know your story, Cinnamon2000, but I wish you all the best.

[Snowflower]

 

Those who stay in touch with me through PM, I welcome your messages. I won't post here anymore... among the righteous. I have enough stress in my life to read stuff like this in my address.

 

I hope you'll stay around, Katerina, especially if you find LS helpful.

 

I know that some posters can be pretty abusive at times. I think sometimes certain posts hit a nerve with someone else, even though we don't intend for this to happen.

 

It's their problem, not yours. Ignore the angry posts.

 

I hope you're feeling better about your marriage these days.

[aeh]

Thank you Cinnamon for that letter. I don't know how I missed it when I checked back on this thread. I could hardly finish reading it for the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat. I might make some modifications to it and show it to my H.

 

Katerina, you are right in that, like you, I found that I frequently come to LS when I am feeling down. In fact, I have been coming to LS more frequently lately and my H told me just last night, when he woke up with heart palpitations, that he feels the good days are getting further and further between and my sadness and anger seem to be more of the norm. Probably two months ago, he would have said the opposite. In fact, some days I feel like I am right back at one month out. He told me that he doesn't feel loved. Well, somedays I don't feel like loving him. Rather, I wish I didn't. I do feel a bit better this week. I have checked the OWs picture again this week on FB and it doesn't infuriate me the way it did last week. Last week was perhaps the shock of seeing her and putting her face to her name.

 

It might do me some good to stay away from LS for awhile so I don't dwell on it so much. The words in that letter of Cinnamon's really resonate with me. I want to forgive and forget. My husband said there is no forgiveness with me and that he wished he hadn't told me everything. (This was in a heated discussion last week). He has now retracted that.

[JamesM]

I know that some posters can be pretty abusive at times. I think sometimes certain posts hit a nerve with someone else, even though we don't intend for this to happen.

 

It's their problem, not yours. Ignore the angry posts.

 

 

Agree.

 

If you delve into the past of those who respond angrily, then you find that almost everyone of them has been betrayed. While I understand that this would be painful, I cannot understand why they must take it as their moral duty to lash out at every person here who admits to cheating.

 

It would be one thing if it was done constructively, but instead it always seems that it is as if they are taking this as an opportunity to lash out at the person who betrayed them.

 

Please ignore such comments and realize that it is their anger from their past betrayal that controls the words that they post in this area.

[Cinnamon2000]

How remorseful is/was your husband? Has he cried? Has he begged for your forgiveness? How did he meet the OW? What is he doing now different from before to ensure he won't meet OW number 2?

[aeh]

How remorseful is/was your husband? Has he cried? Has he begged for your forgiveness? How did he meet the OW? What is he doing now different from before to ensure he won't meet OW number 2?

 

My H is very remorseful. Yes, he has cried..on a few occasions. He tells me he is sorry almost every day. He did ask me to forgive him early on. He told me that he would spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to me. At one point, very early on, I did say I forgave him. (I believe Spark did this, too??! Or one of the other posters) But it wasn't earned yet and I definitely had NOT forgiven him.

 

We also began the hysterical bonding (HB)--sex all the time. It is now 11 months out and the HB is still going on, most days. Looking back, I wish I had done a 180 on him from the get-go but because I discovered the A by text ten minutes after his mother arrived on our doorstep from across the country, that threw me off. He didn't disclose the full nature of the A until about a week later after she left, although I had strong suspicions, of course, yet part of me was still in denial. The rage began, no, let me clarify, the RAGE began! And that was interspersed with the HB. Sex every day, and multiple times a day. Then, I began my short RA (which I have already gone over in this thread). But our HB continues.

 

I think the attention from men causes him to be remorseful every day because it's a reminder of what he has done, how there is always that chance of losing me. I have told him that my self-esteem is absolutely battered. He thinks I am out of my mind and that there is no way that this can be true with the attention I get. He said there is no way possible that I can have low self-esteem and I would have to be out of my mind. But he doesn't understand that because he went elsewhere, the person who I adored so completely, my ego is still crushed no matter how much attention I get from strangers/acquaintances. He lives with that every day.

 

Something else that bothers me though:

 

*Just the other day he commented how that I now look better than I ever have as a result of his affair. This really angers me. (My thoughts: Hmm, so that rewards you, too. And do you deserve for me to share my body with you?)