Finally saw a picture of OW

[aeh]

Also, he met his OW through work. She doesn't work there anymore. He says that after learning the lesson he did, he will now be the best husband ever. And you know what? Before the A, I probably would have said he was. He treats me absolutely wonderfully, is kind, is a good father, is romantic, is generous, communicates, is good in bed....

[Spark1111]

I forgave him the affair pretty quickly.

 

It was the lies and deception to sustain the affair, coupled with having to treat us like s**t to assuage his guilt, that left me reeling for the next year and a half.

 

The hardest and last stage, and I told him this too: Regaining respect for him.

 

I adored you. I felt safest with you. We have weathered so many storms together, shared so much joy too. I was your biggest fan, your strongest ally, come hell or highwater.

 

HOW did you give yourself permission to do this to me, us? What lies did you have to convince yourself of, to make it okay in head and your heart? Who knew you could be so weak? Feel so self-entitled to systematically destroy all we had built together under a blanket of lies and more lies? To FOREVER change our history, legacy, relationship and my trust in you?

 

What an incredible gift you have tarnished forever. For what? Moments of feeling validated? Big man? Hot sex? Flattery? Illicit fun?

 

What a stupid, stupid man.

 

Did I marry a teenager? Did love keep me blind to it?

 

Respect is the hardest and final frontier to overcome for me.

[Katerina]

Spark1111, those are tough questions... I think we stop asking them when we move on to the last stage - acceptance. Someone pointed out to me in my own thread that I seem to be stuck in the grieving stage. I think they're right. I'm trying to move on, to accept what has happened and move on.

 

James, Snowflower, Aeh.. thank you for your kind words.

 

Aeh, when I tracked OW on-line, I wrote to her. She deleted her profile after I wrote to her. But I had saved her picture to confront my H (not with the A... I already knew about that). Eventually I deleted the picture because I figured why should I torture myself by looking at it? So my advice to you is stop looking at the picture!

Edited May 13, 2010 by Katerina

[Katerina]

It might do me some good to stay away from LS for awhile so I don't dwell on it so much.

 

Same here... Every time I read about someone discovering their spouse's affair or describing their feelings, etc., all of my feelings just start flooding me all over again. I have to be in the right mood (usually very miserable, lol) to read posts here.

[aeh]

Spark1111, those are tough questions... I think we stop asking them when we move on to the last stage - acceptance. Someone pointed out to me in my own thread that I seem to be stuck in the grieving stage. I think they're right. I'm trying to move on, to accept what has happened and move on.

 

James, Snowflower, Aeh.. thank you for your kind words.

 

Aeh, when I tracked OW on-line, I wrote to her. She deleted her profile after I wrote to her. But I had saved her picture to confront my H (not with the A... I already knew about that). Eventually I deleted the picture because I figured why should I torture myself by looking at it? So my advice to you is stop looking at the picture!

 

Yes, totally true. Her pic is on her H's FB page (he knows nothing of the A). Every time I look at that poor sap, I feel sorry for him (but I have heard he is quite cocky, so maybe I don't feel that bad...) I can't send her a message but I could certainly send him one...but I don't bc of my H and the potential fall-out. I must admit I did just check out her pic again, actually just to see if any new ones had been posted but I didnt even look at the pics that so angered me just a few days ago.

 

Maybe I am stuck in the grieving stage as well...I find I revert back and forth. My H and I had a really good day yesterday and last night I think seeing her skanky pics just riled me up some. But hopefully now that I know what she looks like, I can move on....

 

I wish you all the best, Katerina. Snowflower and James and of course, Spark, always have good advice. I am going to TRY to avoid LS for a bit and see if that helps any.

[OFGnomore]

AEH:

 

The only way out is through. More sex for H is not the long term solution IMO. As far as his promise to be the best H ever, I dunno, why should he mean that more that his vows. IMO, your H should STFU, and show some humility and act with integrity every day. Not talk about it or promise it but do it one day at time. His words really ought to mean nothing to you now. And the fact he states your esteem should be high because other men check you out(again he doesn't want to own that he shot it down with his behavior and to assume you'd be so shallow to find your self worth in the opinions of men who are strangers. Your H sounds immature). Not sure what you're looking for here on LS. You shun professional counseling and think you're going to find solace in the opinions of strangers? But as it is now, from what you described, you're the one who is going to making it up to him for the rest of your life. Really what consequences did he suffer? You're in better shape and giving more sex?? You ought to be ragin' mad IMO. You forgave him quickly at the expense of yourself. To preserve the M at any cost.

 

If you have children, for them, for yourself. Get some professional help in your healing. A counselor or pastor. Seriously.

 

I can't read your posts anymore until you do something different. Too depressing.

[aeh]

AEH:

The only way out is through. More sex for H is not the long term solution IMO. As far as his promise to be the best H ever, I dunno, why should he mean that more that his vows. IMO, your H should STFU, and show some humility and act with integrity every day.

 

I am sure there is a lot that doesn't come across in my posts. Of course, I come here at my lowest and I sometimes am dwelling on the parts that still plague me. Actually, my H does act with integrity every day...although I am sure I have not conveyed that in the least Obviously, his A was not acting with integrity. As you know, an A brings up a lot of painful issues and arguments....some things more fleeting than others. All of it painful. I

 

Not talk about it or promise it but do it one day at time. His words really ought to mean nothing to you now. And the fact he states your esteem should be high because other men check you out(again he doesn't want to own that he shot it down with his behavior and to assume you'd be so shallow to find your self worth in the opinions of men who are strangers. Your H sounds immature).

 

You're right that he should realize that my esteem was shot down bc of him and that the opinions of strange men should mean nothing to me. In reading this, I can see how you would think he is immature.

 

Not sure what you're looking for here on LS. You shun professional counseling and think you're going to find solace in the opinions of strangers?

 

Hmm, well, I think I was looking for a place to vent...with other souls who have gone through this in one way or another.

 

But as it is now, from what you described, you're the one who is going to making it up to him for the rest of your life. Really what consequences did he suffer?

 

Well, he has suffered knowing that I do not love him in the same way as I did before. He has suffered by knowing that I had a RA. He has suffered knowing that I am in pain. He worries every day that I will leave him.

 

You're in better shape and giving more sex??

 

Not sure if the sex is for him or me :rolleyes:

 

You ought to be ragin' mad IMO.

 

Have you not read my posts? I have been raging mad for almost a year.

 

 

You forgave him quickly at the expense of yourself.

No, I forgave him initially..actually I told him that, but then quickly took it back. And he knows I am working on a path to forgiveness but am not there yet.

 

 

If you have children, for them, for yourself. Get some professional help in your healing. A counselor or pastor. Seriously.

 

I can't read your posts anymore until you do something different. Too depressing.

 

Thanks for the sympathy, OFG. You're right, you've seen all my ugliest emotions and feelings and they can sometimes be pretty unappealing. If you saw my life, I don't think you would find it depressing at all. But thanks for the support.

[Snowflower]

aeh, sometimes our words strike a nerve with someone reading them, even though we don't intend for our writing to do this.

 

I had it happen to me a few times here. I would anger someone with what I was writing...I don't mind having things pointed out to me, sometimes a different POV is helpful. But I figure if my words are that upsetting to someone else, it has more to do with them than me.

 

If you find some solace in posting here with strangers, then do what helps you.

 

Take care.