Finally saw a picture of OW

[aeh]

Wow, so I have been wanting to see my H's fOW for the last 11 months. Been dying to at least put a face with a name to put the last piece of the puzzle together. Well, I finally saw her on FB. The first pic I saw of her was...well, she was pregnant! Turns out she just had a baby--no, not my H's bc he was fixed about 14 yrs ago. But she must have gotten pregnant about a month after D-Day. (Supposedly she had been trying for a couple of years with her H before that). In the picture, she looked sweet. I didn't find her attractive at all, and she looked like a "nice" girl. Ha! Must have been that pregnancy/mother's glow stuff. But it was a relief in some sense..she looked like a nice girl, someone that it honestly could have just developed, and then accidentally they were in an affair (ha! not that these are ever "accidents", but it just seemed like maybe they got in way over their head or something..like she didn't set out to seduce my husband--hey, I know he was a WILLING participant, definitely it takes two to tango and my anger is primarily directed at him.....). But today I saw some other pics of her....in cheap and slutty clothing, VERY sexy poses. Apparently she made the remark to my husband that "she could get any man, whether he was married or not".....That didn't jive with the photo I saw of her pregnant, of course, but once I saw those others, you could totally tell she had attitude. Btw, still an unattractive face!

 

Sorry, I'm just rambling. I'm just angry, confused, and it reopens a lot of old wounds. I had been doing pretty well until I saw those pics. Ughhh!

[bentnotbroken]

Pretty normal response. Flashbacks, triggers or just jacked up days. They are all a part of the gift that keeps on giving. Ride the tide, soon this wave will pass too.

[2sunny]

it doesn't matter how she looks - it matters what HE did - to you and to her.

 

moving forward... what is HE doing now? has he been willing to find the reason why he participated in it all? has he taken responsibility for it all? is he willing to repair the damage he caused?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

So what your saying is I shouldn't knock on the OW door just to see what she looks like? Gawd it kills me not knowing!

[OFGnomore]

My xMM was overweight, short and suffered from ED. My H said it made no sense how I was with him, even xMM said it made no sense. In fact, H was said it was even more insulting and that it made him look worse that I'd choose someone "less" than him.

 

My point, how could looks, if the xOP is more or less attractive help the situation. Really. I mean if his xMW looked liked Giselle would you be proud of his conquest? H threw that absurd remark out that xMMs W is probably proud of her husband being able to get a younger, attractive woman. How effed up is that logic??

 

 

ETA: I think most affairs are not about looks as much as about deep emotional longing.

[aeh]

Pretty normal response. Flashbacks, triggers or just jacked up days. They are all a part of the gift that keeps on giving. Ride the tide, soon this wave will pass too.

 

Seeing the new pic is certainly a trigger! I am finding that I am lashing out at my H today by text.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

ETA: I think most affairs are not about looks as much as about deep emotional longing.

 

Really..how is this helpful?

 

OP, does it make you feel good or bad to look at a picture of her? If it makes you feel good then GOOD FOR YOU! If it causes triggers and hurt then don't do it! easy.

[aeh]

it doesn't matter how she looks - it matters what HE did - to you and to her.

 

moving forward... what is HE doing now? has he been willing to find the reason why he participated in it all? has he taken responsibility for it all? is he willing to repair the damage he caused?

 

He has apologized profusely. He has always treated me really well, although looking back, during the A I can see now that I do remember times he was distant and distracted. He has acknowledged countless times how stupid he was and how he can't believe he did something so careless. We have been to MC, although we quit at my request. We have prioritized us as we definitely didn't do much of before. We were all about the kids. We were always good about going on dates and were always together (his A took place after work in a parking garage or they went to lunch together) on weekends and NEVER argued at all. We now go on dates EVERY weekend, are always snuggling on the sofa, kissing (ok, making out ), are intimate EVERY day, sometimes on multiple occasions ). His reasoning was that he wasn't getting sex....which I hate to admit, is pretty much the truth.

[aeh]

So what your saying is I shouldn't knock on the OW door just to see what she looks like? Gawd it kills me not knowing!

 

PP, I can't tell you how many times I said those exact words. It was killing me to have not seen her! (especially bc she had seen a pic of me!). In the beginning I tried really hard to see her, thought every day about knocking on her door, waiting down the street, etc. Then last week, I happened to not be trying very hard at all, and came across her pics. Wow, I was shaking the rest of the afternoon. I know exactly the curiosity you have.

[aeh]

My xMM was overweight, short and suffered from ED. My H said it made no sense how I was with him, even xMM said it made no sense. In fact, H was said it was even more insulting and that it made him look worse that I'd choose someone "less" than him.

 

My point, how could looks, if the xOP is more or less attractive help the situation. Really. I mean if his xMW looked liked Giselle would you be proud of his conquest? H threw that absurd remark out that xMMs W is probably proud of her husband being able to get a younger, attractive woman. How effed up is that logic??

 

 

ETA: I think most affairs are not about looks as much as about deep emotional longing.

 

 

I know just what you mean. When I couldn't see what he would find attractive about her in the first pic, I was insulted. "You threw away our M for that?

 

But then when I saw the pics today, while I still didn't think she was pretty, I could tell that she looked like she was definitely trying to show it off in a cheap way and I could see how a guy would think that she would be an easy score. So I am not sure which view makes me angrier!!!!

[OFGnomore]

I know just what you mean. When I couldn't see what he would find attractive about her in the first pic, I was insulted. "You threw away our M for that?

 

 

But then when I saw the pics today, while I still didn't think she was pretty, I could tell that she looked like she was definitely trying to show it off in a cheap way and I could see how a guy would think that she would be an easy score. So I am not sure which view makes me angrier!!!!

 

Did her H find out about the A? Wow, a baby, already post dday if so. I've seen this too. People thinking babies will glue the M back together. Most of the time it just brings more innocents into to the sh*t storm.

 

Case in point, my Hs colleague cheated with a 26 yo at the office. Him 42. A ended, WH and BW asked H to sponsor them in adopting. I said hell no. Then the paper work, (an act of God) got to be too much for them. Then we got invited to WHs baptism, he's now a reborn. Again, I said hell no, this was all within a 1.5 year of dday. I told H too soon, I don't trust it. Last fall, he called H about a new woman at his office, D'd woman with 2 kids. He was sending her rauchy texts and got semi busted. Ask H to cover for him. H said, hell no.

 

My point and advice to anyone recovering, NO DRASTIC LIFE CHOICES AT LEAST 2 years out from DDAY!!

Edited May 3, 2010 by OFGnomore

[2sunny]

you have this backwards. it's not about her... she could've been ANY gal. men pick the one most willing when they are interested... it happened to be her.

 

what made him take action? THAT is the question HE needs to answer... without this being YOUR fault. HE decided to act on this - not you.

 

go back to counseling... there is much you haven't yet addressed.

 

a man with principles and integrity - no matter how badly things get - would never justify in his mind cheating on the woman he married.

 

HE has work to do...he hasn't found the root of the problem and he hasn't done the HARD part of the work to repair the marriage to a healthy state - yet.

[OFGnomore]

you have this backwards. it's not about her... she could've been ANY gal. men pick the one most willing when they are interested... it happened to be her.

 

what made him take action? THAT is the question HE needs to answer... without this being YOUR fault. HE decided to act on this - not you.

 

go back to counseling... there is much you haven't yet addressed.

 

a man with principles and integrity - no matter how badly things get - would never justify in his mind cheating on the woman he married.

 

HE has work to do...he hasn't found the root of the problem and he hasn't done the HARD part of the work to repair the marriage to a healthy state - yet.

 

AEH,

 

I have to say, after reading your last post, I thought this too. Too say, he did it for lack of sex seems pretty superficial, JMHO and it puts way too much responsibility on you.

 

I think the issue is deeper and I'm assuming you come here for honest opinions. Here's how I see it. That fact that you canceled MC signals something to me. Like you may be afraid to go to that deeper place that may be more unresolvable than snuggle time and more sex for H. But some people have more superficial Ms than others. We all operate on different levels. No judgments.

 

Again, I think most As happen for deeper emotional reasons. And if a man or woman is willing to risk so much for just sex, for me that is a person that lacks substance. Someone I know I couldn't spend the rest of my life with w/o too much thought.

 

Just something to think about.

[You Go Girl]

Stay off FB.

I would never do that to MYSELF--how cruel!

Why are you torturing yourself this way?

 

Don't look at her--look at you in the mirror--and see YOUR beauty, and just how lucky your H is that you could forgive.

[OFGnomore]

Stay off FB.

I would never do that to MYSELF--how cruel!

Why are you torturing yourself this way?

 

Don't look at her--look at you in the mirror--and see YOUR beauty, and just how lucky your H is that you could forgive.

 

This is interesting. I found out that xMMs was looking at my FB account. Even joining the member groups I was in and commenting on threads of conversations with friends. So, I blocked her. I agree, morbid curiosity, that will only harm reconcillation.

 

I'm interested in AEHs answer.

[aeh]

you have this backwards. it's not about her... she could've been ANY gal. men pick the one most willing when they are interested... it happened to be her.

 

what made him take action? THAT is the question HE needs to answer... without this being YOUR fault. HE decided to act on this - not you.

 

go back to counseling... there is much you haven't yet addressed.

 

a man with principles and integrity - no matter how badly things get - would never justify in his mind cheating on the woman he married.

 

HE has work to do...he hasn't found the root of the problem and he hasn't done the HARD part of the work to repair the marriage to a healthy state - yet.

 

OFG, I am not being facetious whatsoever when I ask this...I am asking this in all seriousness...what do you think the hard part of the work is? Like, specifically? He continually goes back to, "I wasn't getting sex. I should have come to you. I shouldn't have done what I did instead. I willingly chose the wrong path and I'm so sorry. I take full responsibility." What else should he be doing? Seriously, I do want to know. I think I am doing fine, then BOOM! I see this...and I think, 5 more years til the kids are out and I am gone!! But I do know that I love my H, and that he loves me. I KNOW that he loves me, adores me. But seeing the pic ENRAGES me!

[OFGnomore]

OFG, I am not being facetious whatsoever when I ask this...I am asking this in all seriousness...what do you think the hard part of the work is? Like, specifically? He continually goes back to, "I wasn't getting sex. I should have come to you. I shouldn't have done what I did instead. I willingly chose the wrong path and I'm so sorry. I take full responsibility." What else should he be doing? Seriously, I do want to know. I think I am doing fine, then BOOM! I see this...and I think, 5 more years til the kids are out and I am gone!! But I do know that I love my H, and that he loves me. I KNOW that he loves me, adores me. But seeing the pic ENRAGES me!

 

That was 2 sunny's quote. For me the deeper part is, there is something in your H that when faced with a problem he chose this. It sounds like he's doing a great job on the surface, saying the right stuff and all the mea culpas. But at the core, there are men who wouldn't chose this no matter what was going on in the M. The Owls and Dexters, of the world. Mad Mission calls this "tunnel vision". You either have it or you don't. I'll ask this to the board.

[You Go Girl]

The hard part of the work is why he chose the path he did, instead of doing everything in his power to strengthen his intimacy with his wife. He chose the easy avenue for sexual gratification, and he won't like self-examination, because he doesn't mentally want to go there--a place where he would have to change the basic something in him that chooses the easy path.

The pic enrages you--

go back and read my previous post. Why do you desire to hurt yourself at this stage? Because that's what the anger is--causing yourself pain--and that anger can turn inwards to depression. So STOP IT.

[Spark1111]

It is amazing to me, that the people I did confide his affair to, immediately wanted to know how young, how attractive she was, as if men seek that out to begin with.

 

That's our female insecurity projecting.

 

They were stunned to learn that she was slightly younger than I, and not a drop-dead beauty.

 

But she did make him feel like her Knight-In-Shining-Armor.

 

And that was all it apparently took. Solving her damsel in distress dramas, rescuing her was just a substitute for doing the hard work of rescuing himself from a mid-life depression.

[silktricks]

But she did make him feel like her Knight-In-Shining-Armor.

 

And that was all it apparently took. Solving her damsel in distress dramas, rescuing her was just a substitute for doing the hard work of rescuing himself from a mid-life depression.

 

I hear ya.... :rolleyes:

 

Maybe some part of that comes from them choosing really capable wives who don't need "saving".....

[Cinnamon2000]

OFG, I am not being facetious whatsoever when I ask this...I am asking this in all seriousness...what do you think the hard part of the work is? Like, specifically? He continually goes back to, "I wasn't getting sex. I should have come to you. I shouldn't have done what I did instead. I willingly chose the wrong path and I'm so sorry. I take full responsibility." What else should he be doing? Seriously, I do want to know. I think I am doing fine, then BOOM! I see this...and I think, 5 more years til the kids are out and I am gone!! But I do know that I love my H, and that he loves me. I KNOW that he loves me, adores me. But seeing the pic ENRAGES me!

 

Are you still dating around? Did your husband forgive your revenge affairs? How does he feel about the affair(s) that you had?

 

Do you really see yourself married after the kids are gone?

[OWoman]

Maybe some part of that comes from them choosing really capable wives who don't need "saving".....

 

Makes sense - my H did that in reverse (married the "damsel in distress", Ad with the woman who didn't need saving... I think it's very easy to get typecast in LTRs / Ms and to fall into roles, so that the H whose W never needs saving never gets to play out his KISA, or the H who's always on KISA duty never gets a chance to put his silver steed back into the stable - so the need to play those other roles, to manifest those other (less evident) parts of them, needs to find expression elsewhere.

 

And it's probably easier to save a damsel in distress than to adopt an abandoned puppy...

[seren]

I needed to know what OW looked like so I wouldn't be chatting to a stranger in a supermarket or wherever and then find out it was her - stupid and irrational I know, but I am a friendly sort of person and talk to anyone and everyone, am helpful, the thought I could be being nice to her was more than I could stomach. I rabidly searched FB for pictures of her, and saw she was just an ordinary woman, not who I thought H would go for (he has always dated redheads) and she was quite the opposite. Didn't matter really whether she was a raving beauty or Mrs Ordinary, I suppose it is the ego, not feeling good enough thing that we woman are unfortunately sometimes conditioned into feeling.

 

OW didn't know what I looked like and in my job I had to help her and her family out with problems. I just saw a sad, bored, unhappy person who had an ordinary life and wanted more. I didn't say who I was and didn't prejudice my support, in fact I probably pulled out more stops to make her life easier as I always thought H had treated her pretty badly.

 

As for the KISA thing, I have always been the I'll fight your dragons kind of person, goes with my job, and have always been a face up to the dragons kind - H is more the lets all be quiet and the dragons will go away sort, I suppose he needed to be the knight for a while and it can be really hard living with a dragonslayer as it leaves little space for the other to step up and feel heroic. I am now medically retired and he is the dragonslayer as I am struggling with a nasty illness, funny really, the KISA role suits him and he has stepped up and owned his previous conflict avoider behaviour. So, I keep my dragonslayer suit handy, just incase, and enjoy being rescued (sometimes).

I am sure I have gone totally off thread and rambling, I am blaming the big M.

[JamesM]

None of my comments are meant to hurt. I know that the affair caused you much pain. And while he may have had his reason for an affair, that does not excuse him from cheating.

 

His reasoning was that he wasn't getting sex....which I hate to admit, is pretty much the truth.

 

I admire you for your candid honesty here. Most women and men do not admit how they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and instead focus on what the cheater did.

 

One recent book I read stated that in their survey, most marriages had had a breakdown in sexual relations before the affair. However, in some cases, the reality is...a lack of sex is related to the complete marriage and not simply the amount of times the couple has sex.

 

We have a virtually sexless marriage. It has its good times. I understand the temptation to seek out or rather yield to an affair, yet I cannot understand how someone cannot look beyond the immediate pleasure. In this case, he simply could have felt desperate and angry.

 

How often did the two of you have sex? You say he is justified, but I wonder.

 

I know just what you mean. When I couldn't see what he would find attractive about her in the first pic, I was insulted. "You threw away our M for that?

 

Would you feel better if the woman looked better than you or would you now question his love for you? Now at least you can see that he does think you are prettier than her and you feel that you are as well. If she were a sexy model, then you would wonder why he came back to you if it was only about sex. Yes or no?

 

you have this backwards. it's not about her... she could've been ANY gal. men pick the one most willing when they are interested... it happened to be her.

 

This is true. Most men choose an affair partner who they admit is not as beautiful as they perceive their wife to be. And many times the woman is simply a better listener or in some way fills the need they see as being unfilled in their marriage.

 

It could have been any woman. However, it does take two. She chased him even though she knew he was married. Just as he could have stopped the affair...she could have done so, too.

 

Was this a "we got friendly and happened to have sex" relationship, or was it a "we had a chemical reaction" relationship?"

 

what made him take action? THAT is the question HE needs to answer... without this being YOUR fault. HE decided to act on this - not you.

 

Very very true. If he simply blames you for the lack of sex without realizing that he chose the wrong way to fix his marriage, then I have no doubt that he will choose the easy way in the future again.

 

He received nothing negative here but some brief uncomfortable pain in his marriage. What he did receive is the reward of alot of sex with his wife AND sex with another woman. If he complained about the lack of sex with you, then when you two have less sex (which will happen if the root problem isn't solved) he will choose another woman to fill the void IF his affair wasn't simply a situational reaction to his poor marriage at the time.

 

Right now, you feel that sex with him is great again because you feel that you can solve the problem by having sex. Yet in the future, two things could happen....sex can become boring again without a deep love, or the reason the two of you enjoy sex which for you is to keep from losing him and for him is simply the enjoyment of you wanting him (maybe) will disappear. THEN what will happen.

 

Sex for both should be an expression of love or it will lose its magic IMO.

 

a man with principles and integrity - no matter how badly things get - would never justify in his mind cheating on the woman he married.

 

I disagree. I understand how your husband's serial affairs is a reflection of his overall integrity, but many men and women end up in an affair out of desperation and because they are vulnerable when confronted with the temptation of an affair. Most people cannot imagine choosing an affair even though some do. They do so not because of a lack of integrity per se but in many cases, because of a few weak moments. In no way can their affair be justified due to a "weak moment," but it can be understood.

 

AEH,

 

Too say, he did it for lack of sex seems pretty superficial, JMHO and it puts way too much responsibility on you.

 

I think the issue is deeper and I'm assuming you come here for honest opinions. Here's how I see it. That fact that you canceled MC signals something to me. Like you may be afraid to go to that deeper place that may be more unresolvable than snuggle time and more sex for H.

 

I agree. While I think affairs do happen because of a lack of sex, I also think that many affairs are an avoidance to fixing the problem in the marriage. It seems that the lack of sex makes it only your problem. IMO it is both. He chose an affair which is horrible, but to fix the problem, both of you need to recognize what has led to the affair.

 

You WILL need to dig deep and re evaluate your marriage.

 

He continually goes back to, "I wasn't getting sex. I should have come to you. I shouldn't have done what I did instead. I willingly chose the wrong path and I'm so sorry. I take full responsibility." What else should he be doing? Seriously, I do want to know. I think I am doing fine, then BOOM! I see this...and I think, 5 more years til the kids are out and I am gone!! But I do know that I love my H, and that he loves me. I KNOW that he loves me, adores me. But seeing the pic ENRAGES me!

 

His "taking full responsibility" really isn't taking full responsibility. He blames it on a lack of sex which means that he was willing and you were not. the question remains...WHY were you two not having enough sex...however much that is? Again how much sex were the two of you having?

 

The serious work is finding out why you two were not having enough sex. Are his expectations too high for your marriage? Is the ideal amount different for the two of you? Did he take the time to court you and listen to you? What were the problems that YOU saw in the marriage that led to this affair and to you not wanting as much sex as he wanted?

 

The pictures remind you that he took what the two of you had and shared it with someone else whom you find less worthy of this special intimacy. Soon you will become resentful of his "need" for sex if or when you feel that your "needs" are being unmet.

 

It is amazing to me, that the people I did confide his affair to, immediately wanted to know how young, how attractive she was, as if men seek that out to begin with.

 

That's our female insecurity projecting.

 

They were stunned to learn that she was slightly younger than I, and not a drop-dead beauty.

 

But she did make him feel like her Knight-In-Shining-Armor.

 

And that was all it apparently took. Solving her damsel in distress dramas, rescuing her was just a substitute for doing the hard work of rescuing himself from a mid-life depression.

 

And so it goes with most affairs. Spark, excellent way to word this.

[silktricks]

And it's probably easier to save a damsel in distress than to adopt an abandoned puppy...

 

Yeah - the puppy would take work.... Gotta feed it, and clean up after it and walk it... too much reality - kinda like the marriage