Inexperienced Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hi Everybody, Please help me, I have never felt so bad in my entire life. My g/f of nearly 2 years (we have known each other longer) talked to me about her past relationships last week. Whilst telling me she said that she cheated on 4 different boyfriends, I'm her 6th. She is 25 now and said that she did all this when she was in her teens. But I am really upset because we have talked about cheating in the past and we are both really against it, she always has said she would never do it and hates people who do, now I find out that she has done it, not once but 4 times !!!! What do I do? I love her so much (and she loves me), I'm so upset because I can't even begin to think what it would be like being without her. But... how can I trust her now? Do you think she has cheated on me? Will she cheat on me? Am I looking into this too much? ... When she told me about it, I got really upset, and I said to her that if shes cheated before, she will cheat on me. She told me that she would never do it to me, she even swore on her own childs life that she wouldnt do it to me, should I believe her? She might fall out with me in the future and go and cheat. Im just so much against cheating, I'f I cheated, I wouldnt be able to live with myself, and I always thought she thought the same! Please help me, I'm hurting so much here. Thank you
Woggle Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 At least you two are not married nor do you have kids so you can get out now while you can. Eventually she will get bored with you and then go cheat.
DustySaltus Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 It just sounds like bad news and I have to agree with Woggle. I think an important thing to ask her is what was her reasoning for cheating in the past.
candymoon Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 She is 25 now and said that she did all this when she was in her teens. Some might disagree, but I say chock it up to teen angst, learning, etc. I mean we THINK we have relationships when we're teenagers, but it's just experimentation, growing, learning. Saying she will cheat now is overboard and full of drama and paranoia. Did you ask about the REAL adult relationship before you? Sheesh, I hope someone doesn't hold my teenage crap over my head in the future. It's silly.
Mr White Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 While this having happened in her teens mildly cushions the importance of the event, it is still a red flag. If everything else is alright, it would probably be too much to dump her over this, so just keep an eye on how she acts, and make it clear that you won't be tolerating any of that. Here's a litmus test: pay attention to how she talks about it: if she rationalizes it, comes up with excuses, or just tries to diminish the importance of it, then that's bad news. If she takes responsibility and acknowledges the ways in which this is bad - without rationalizing - you are probably gona be okay.
Rorschach Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 In my opinion, definite yellow flag. Thats a caution flag, be wary, keep your eyes open, don't be overly suspicious though, but when something happens keep yourself emotionally guarded. But do the girl a favor and give her a chance, it probably took alot of effort to tell you that she cheated on past boyfriends and she probably told you because she felt guilty about her past. Don't discard her based on her previous actions, judge her based on what she does from this point forward. Forgive but don't forget. 1
Hop_prophet Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Wow, that is a hard, hard pill to swallow. I know how tough this is because I am in a similar situation. My gf has cheated multiple times in her past too and it really contributed to my insecurity. I also think cheating is blatantly wrong and I did lose some respect for her when I heard it. I have learned to accept it and be more trusting but it has been difficult and I am still in therapy and working on it. My gf was extremely open and honest and always has been so that has helped too. The only thing you can do is accept it and continue knowing you might have future problems or get out now. Be especially alert for any signs of dishonesty when it involves other guys and be ready to leave if that happens. Make it clear to her that honesty is crucial, but do not bring up the past as a weapon or to make her feel inferior as it will only make things worse. Good luck.
pandagirl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Four times is a lot, but if they all happened in her teens and now she's 25, maybe she's learned her lesson and is now mature enough to understand the ramifications of her actions. Of course, this is upsetting! But I have friends cheated once or twice in their younger relationships, and went onto have successful long-term relationships and marriages. She can't do anything about changing her past, so if you want to stay with her, you're going to have to be OK with this knowledge and learn how to move forward.
Author Inexperienced Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the replies, I'm finding it all very difficult. She still talks to her ex's too, claims that she is friends with them, although she doesnt talk to them much (not that I know of). I've never told her that it upsets me that she talks to them, in my opinion it is not nice to continue talking to ex's when you are in a relationship with someone else. How should I tell her? I dont want to sound controlling. One thing Im also upset about is how she lied to me, saying that she hates people who cheat and would never do it, whilst all along shes done it herself. In one way I hate her for this, but I also love her, and cant be without her. Edited May 3, 2010 by Inexperienced
espec10001 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 In one way I hate her for this, but I also love her, and cant be without her. Bad news. Sounds like she is going to break your heart!
Bleed Internal Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 My ex-girlfriend cheated on all her boyfriends before me. Guess what happened? Hopefully she's an exception, but most likely this will wind up being a learning experience for me.
hopesndreams Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 She's excusing what she did because it happened in her teenage years. Her next excuse will be she was only in her 20's.
ADF Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 As some other folks on her have pointed out, you cannot hold a person responsible forever for stuff they did in their teenage years. Our development as human beings doesn't end in our sophmore year of high school. To scuttle a good relationship with a 25 year old for things she did as a teen seems grossly unfair to me. She deserves some kind of chance, doesn't she? I sure would hate to have to pay for my teenage mistakes for the rest of my life.
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