NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 There are a few red flags here that make it hard for you to have had a long term, healthy relationship. There are people who have beaten addiction and had happy lives, but often there are a lot of other issues that are tied in with that that can lead to problems coping and keeping a relationship, often other addictions, or low self esteem, abandonment issues, or many relationships that don't last. I agree. Usually these type of girls don't have one issue but many. The following problems often go hand-in-hand: Depression Drug/Alcohol addiction (to try and cope with the depression) Low self-esteem (due to the depression) Cheating (to try and feed the addictive personality & help the depression) Commitment Issues Drama Queen syndrome Anyway, you get the idea. It's a really tough hill for them to climb. They have to WANT to get help. This is what my ex did - She admitted she had depression. Went to the doctor, got all sorts of meds, but REFUSED to stop drinking. Flat out refused. If you look at any website or talk to any doctor they will tell you, as soon as you start drinking while on depression medication, you are pretty much completely negating anything the medication will do. So she may as well not even have bothered.
NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah, she messaged me today on FB I didn't reply so she texted when I was at the gym so I replied and we just kinda had normal friend talk. I know she's a drama queen and just using me, and when we get back together I'm always skeptical that's why I never committed completely to her. That pissed her off, but what am I supposed to do? Say "it's ok that you left me for another guy, please move back in with me". I don't think so, I mean I do miss her so much and part of me still thinks it could work if we worked on ourselves but I am also SO done. You say that girls usually leave after being set on it for weeks. I was really close to leaving her just because I couldn't handle the immaturity. Going out and meeting other girls actually showed me that mature, responisble girls do exist. I do not see myself with her again because of her patterns and yeah by the way she did have problems with drug addiction before i met her (went to rehab for 9 months). That should have been a big red flag. Haha You are saying all the right things here to us, but the tough part will be to say it to her. She has a lot of power over you now, I can see that. It's really like an addiction all your own, you are sort of addicted to her in your life and having trouble letting go of the idea that she will always be there. Think of it like a drug addict, who has been using drugs or pills for years, and suddenly has to promise to NEVER use those pills again. Tough right? It definitely is. But that is the situation you found yourself in. I'm not surprised to hear your girl had drug addiction issues as my ex was a heavy drug user before we met as well. She eventually stopped soon after we met, but the alcohol was a constant. Sounds like yours is drinking a lot, too. The alcohol is a coping mechanism to escape from the way they feel about themselves. They don't really love themselves that much. So the alcohol helps temporarily but then the problems are there when she sobers up. She turns to other guys because like the alcohol she thinks THAT is the fix. The bottom line is that girls like this will always be looking for an external fix for their lives rather than looking within themselves. If she saw a counselor and really committed to that, it would be a good first step.
northstar1 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah it's not an exact science but what I have learned is that there are patterns that are the same among all these girls. It doesn't really help your situation or mine, but what it CAN do is make you feel a little better that this is a personality issue with the girl, and there wasn't a lot you could have done about it. In other words, even if you were 100% PERFECT in your relationship, it was probably just destined for failure anyway. It might have been YEARS after a marriage, kids, whatever, but regardless, there was a time limit. These type of girls, until they can learn to mature and deal with adversity head-on, face to face, and not run, are going to continue this type of pattern. Unfortunately, my ex is still very attractive and will be for many years, perhaps all her life, and that gives her a HUGE crutch as she can very, very easily find new men to take care of her until she uses them up or they cast her off. But eventually that will always happen until she fixes herself which could take a lifetime. This is true. Same with my ex, attractive girl who no doubt will have no shortage of suitors. But I think it will end up still being a series of short term relationships, because inevitably after the honeymoon period wears off and the thrill of the new and exciting and all the physical fun goes by, the guy will do something that doesn't mesh with what she thinks is ideal, or he says the wrong thing, and it will happen again and she'll find justification why he isn't right and do the same thing. I know I wasn't perfect, I know I made mistakes and did the wrong things at times, but I think once she saw this, she began to build a case of why it wouldn't work and that was the beginning of the end.
Author ALombard Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah that all seems right. I keep telling myself that day by day, hour after hour. What of my last post though any thoughts on that?
northstar1 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah I know that. I guess I'm just hung up on the fact that I wanted so badly to help her in life. I thought that if we were together it would give her the opportunity stay focused on her future goals and aspirations. I told her today that I still do love her and miss and that I need to work on myself and she needs to work on herself. I told her that I was in a stage of my life where instead of going out and dating girl after girl after girl that I want to settle down and be in a relationship that leads to marriage in the next few years. I ****ed up and told her that I wanted it to be her still. Which is true, because even with all these realizations I'm having I still can't see myself starting over and falling in love with someone as much as I did with her. I do feel a lot better each day I don't talk to her but my mind keeps flip flopping. One moment I'm glad it's over and I'm ready to move on and start up another relationship one day and just be done with her. The next I'm sitting there thinking that if she did come back to me that I would take things slow with her, but then really truely commit. I'm I just insane or what? I do want to be with her but I don't. Any thoughts? Are these feeling I'm having because I want to actually be with her or because I'm just so desperate to fall in love again? I'm starting to see a shrink on Thursday because I do feel like I have some issues letting go of my past hurts and pains. I have trust issues in relationships and I don't want them to carry over to the next one, be it with her or not. And that's another thing if in a few months she decides to come back what do I do? Do I just turn and run away or do I actually try, because when I told her how much I love her and that I would want to marry her one day once all of our issues are resolved she replied with "one day". What the hell does that mean?! Just having a bad moment right now so any advice will help. I understand where you are coming from. You love the girl and want to fix it. I think you need to ask yourself, can things change? Is she committed to seeking help for her issues and understanding what a healthy relationship is. Her issues and coping methods will take a long road of therapy and working hard for both herself and relationshps. It's not an easy road, and a lot will bail out at the first sign of trouble, or seek validation when they are feeling down. I know you want to fight for it, but is she willing to fight for you? My fear is she may come back to you, but will she repeat the same pattern again?You need to ask yourself, do you miss the feeling of love, being with someone in a happy relationship and the feeling of being wanted, or do you miss her ? It is easy to blur the two, especially early on after a breakup
NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Yeah I know that. I guess I'm just hung up on the fact that I wanted so badly to help her in life. I thought that if we were together it would give her the opportunity stay focused on her future goals and aspirations. This is a normal feeling. She has been a big part of your life. It is normal to want to "fix" and help her. Unfortunately despite your best intentions, some girls will either not WANT to be fixed, or know they NEED to be fixed, or just flat out resent you for wanting to try. My ex for example, didn't want to be taught/showed how to do ANYTHING. "I can figure it out myself" she would always say. Classic stuff here. Translate that to larger issues, like addiction issues, etc...You'll see that they don't want your help, they feel that they don't need you to help them. They will help themselves, but in ALL the wrong ways (chemicals, infidelity, drama, etc). I told her today that I still do love her and miss and that I need to work on myself and she needs to work on herself. I told her that I was in a stage of my life where instead of going out and dating girl after girl after girl that I want to settle down and be in a relationship that leads to marriage in the next few years. I ****ed up and told her that I wanted it to be her still. Which is true, because even with all these realizations I'm having I still can't see myself starting over and falling in love with someone as much as I did with her. Well again you are telling her that you will be there when she is ready to come back which is giving her an excuse to continue the drama, but at least you can see that. However what I think you need to do, if she wants to come back, is give a stronger ultimatum - Tell her you would take her back but under conditions. Conditions such as, no drug/alcohol use, see a counselor, no more drama, next time she leaves it's done 100%, etc. Honestly it sounds to me like you have already given her way too many chances here -- Please don't get in a marriage situation unless she has shown major changes. Chances are she will not be able to do this alone. I do feel a lot better each day I don't talk to her but my mind keeps flip flopping. One moment I'm glad it's over and I'm ready to move on and start up another relationship one day and just be done with her. The next I'm sitting there thinking that if she did come back to me that I would take things slow with her, but then really truely commit. I'm I just insane or what? I do want to be with her but I don't. All normal. The same happens to me. It's hard to let something go that has been a part of your life for so long. Starting over is scary. Just remember, at one day, you started with THIS girl, too. You had date #1 with this girl. And it turned into a much bigger relationship in your life. If you have to have a new date #1 with a new girl, it can be even better than this one when you take all you learned in this R into your new R. I realize that seems really tough right now. Any thoughts? Are these feeling I'm having because I want to actually be with her or because I'm just so desperate to fall in love again? I'm starting to see a shrink on Thursday because I do feel like I have some issues letting go of my past hurts and pains. I have trust issues in relationships and I don't want them to carry over to the next one, be it with her or not. Glad you are seeing an IC, they will help you a ton. Good for you. I hate to cop out on the answer but it's a combo. You need to fill that hole she left in your life but any new girl you date, at this stage, you'll compare to your ex and that's tough. After all any new girl can't compare to the depth of a relationship you had with your ex. It will take time. You'll see most people here in coping do better though with time, and then gradually start dating and as the new R grows, the old R fades. And that's another thing if in a few months she decides to come back what do I do? Do I just turn and run away or do I actually try, because when I told her how much I love her and that I would want to marry her one day once all of our issues are resolved she replied with "one day". What the hell does that mean?! Just having a bad moment right now so any advice will help. One day basically means this - "Let me go out and try out as many other guys and experience as I want. If I find something I like better than you I will never be back. If I get bored I can fall back on you but I can't promise I'll stay." Basically this is her telling you that you are her LAST choice. It's sort of like when you have a party or something, and people don't commit until an hour before it starts, or even just never RSVP and show up. They want to see if there is ANY other better options to do before that party you are having. I resent people like this. It is a insult to your self-respect and self-worth. YOU are #1. You are the best! You are not second, third, fourth, etc, best...You get the point. Unfortunately you are not the only guy to make this mistake. Many guys will be very clear to let their exes know that they will be there waiting whenever their ex is ready to come back to them. Two things typically happen in this situation: (1) they never come back or (2) they come back, and leave again. The reason is that your ex has no respect for you when you act like a doormat. They like to walk all over you but you don't have any respect in their eyes. By taking a stand, and letting them know that you are moving on, dating new people, getting on with your life, and no longer allowing them to walk on you, THAT is what sets the stage for you to take back the respect you deserve. I hope some of this has helped. I can tell you that for me, it was TOUGH and it still is but I had to force myself to stop begging, crying, giving her an open door policy, because I wanted to have my own self-respect. And I at least can hold my head high that I didn't let this girl get the best of me. Most likely, one day they'll look back and wonder what they lost, they'll remember you as a strong person who wasn't going to take their s**t anymore -- But by then you'll have a new girl in your life and be happier than ever.
NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 This is true. Same with my ex, attractive girl who no doubt will have no shortage of suitors. But I think it will end up still being a series of short term relationships, because inevitably after the honeymoon period wears off and the thrill of the new and exciting and all the physical fun goes by, the guy will do something that doesn't mesh with what she thinks is ideal, or he says the wrong thing, and it will happen again and she'll find justification why he isn't right and do the same thing. I know I wasn't perfect, I know I made mistakes and did the wrong things at times, but I think once she saw this, she began to build a case of why it wouldn't work and that was the beginning of the end. All very rational thoughts. Unfortunately girls, and especially this personality type, think differently than guys. If we were having issues where we were considering leaving them, we would first have sat down and told them this flat out, had a conversation about it, maybe suggested counseling, etc...We sort of handle problems head on as guys. Girls will often internalize their issues, maybe even wait to see if you can sense the problem, all the while if you're not being a mind reader, slowly start to dream of a new life and their exit ramp. The problem here is that it's not really an ideal way to foster a healthy relationship. They have ups and downs, good and bad, disagreements, and the like -- Mature girls (and guys) in a committed relationship will talk about their problems, and if there's not a solution, agree to break up. The reason so many affairs happen today is because people aren't talking, they are internalizing, and furthermore, also not quite ready to leave the stability of an R just yet, so they test the waters. In most cases, the grass is not greener on the other side. This isn't ALL girls, mind you, there are many girls out there who are mature enough to discuss issues in an intelligent way. Girls that won't quietly plan their exit from a relationship and drop a bomb on you. But it is definitely a personality trait more common to females than males, as far as the sudden exit from a LTR.
NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I understand where you are coming from. You love the girl and want to fix it. I think you need to ask yourself, can things change? Is she committed to seeking help for her issues and understanding what a healthy relationship is. Her issues and coping methods will take a long road of therapy and working hard for both herself and relationshps. It's not an easy road, and a lot will bail out at the first sign of trouble, or seek validation when they are feeling down. I know you want to fight for it, but is she willing to fight for you? My fear is she may come back to you, but will she repeat the same pattern again?You need to ask yourself, do you miss the feeling of love, being with someone in a happy relationship and the feeling of being wanted, or do you miss her ? It is easy to blur the two, especially early on after a breakup This is such awesome advice from northstar1. We tend to put our exes on a pedestal even though they did such horrible things to us. We romanticize the relationship, remember all the happy times, forget all the bad times, and think that there can't possibly be another girl to replace them. I've been through this a few times before in my life, and each time, I have started a new R and been very happy once again. So I know I can do it again. This is just the tough part. In most cases, we are missing the feeling of love more than we are missing our exes. It's just hard to rationalize that when it's so fresh.
Author ALombard Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Good point! It's funny because during the day, each day I keep having these little revelations. Unfortunately, I messaged her on FB to ask her if she loved this new guy. I tell you this because it seems like the thing that is helping me get over her is being completely honest to myself and others. So anyway back to the revelations! So I have been realizing that the relationship being as bad as it wasn't completely my fault like she says (and I want so badly to say to her what I'm going to say to you). But first off, she told me all the time how mean I was and how I seemed distant and uncaring. At first I thought I was just being an *******, now I realize the only reason I was being that way was because, first, the things she has done to me in the past. Second, because the things she was doing now. It's really hard to be really loving and caring to a person when they do things that bug you. Second revelation! I'm realizing that I'm not the one with the emotional issues. She has some kind of void she needs to fill that she obviously can't. She was seeing a shrink for a few months after our last big break up to, "help get her life together" then she stopped. Third revelation! I'm in such a better place then she is. I don't live with my parents, I'm not unemployed and I have actually finished college. I might have been a mess up before but at least I saw what I didn't like about myself and my life and I worked on fixing those things. Fourth revelation! The relationship died a long time ago. I truely believe that the only reason I kept letting her come back to me was because I felt bad. I felt that if I was with her and gave her the proper tools (letting her live with me, paying for her expenses and so on) that she would eventually change her ways and become more focused and driven. That never happened, I would talk to her about her habitual drinking and missing school all the time. She never did anything about it and still hasn't. Fifth revelation! I'm just really missing the feeling of loving and being loved. I miss the companionship her and I had not because of her but because I'm a guy who likes being IN relationships. I also just really miss the sex, we didn't have it all the time and it wasn't always great (she's a very selfish lover). But at least I didn't have to put effort into getting any. Sixth and final revelation so for! I have no real reason to keep talking to her, thinking about her, or missing her. She wasn't as great as I thought she was. I was just holding on the way she was when we first met. Not the immature, emotionally damaged person she is now. When we first dated she was amazing, mature, had her life in order. Somewhere down the line it went downhill and I was stuck in the avalanche that is her bull****. She always told me that I didn't treat her well, maybe that is true on some occasions but she didn't treat me great either. She was always constantly starting fights, always constantly putting herself in positions to where I couldn't trust her then blaming me for not trusting her. She was always draining my wallet because she had me believe that I had to keep her life fun and exciting. And she never ever was understanding when I wanted to go out with friends or not hang out with her. She would call me constantly to see what I was doing through out the day and if I didn't pick up after her third phone call in a row she would text me. I could never have a moment of piece with that girl. I mean seriously is it really necessary to call your boyfriend 10 times a day and text him constantly just to say "Hi"? I know people who are in relationships a lot more committed then ours was and they talk MAYBE 3 times a day when they are apart. So there you have it. My list of revelations. It feels good to type them out because it makes me realize just how screwed up she is. Now it might be wrong of me to say this, but I really do hope she realizes how good she had it with me. I do hope she comes running back just so I can slam the door in her face and do what she did to me. I don't take things lying down and I'm done being a doormat for inconsiderate little bitches. I'm filled with a lot more self respect now and I'm just done. I want to call her and just tell her all of what I just said to you guys but I know it's wrong. Thanks for everything and I will probably be on here a lot and posting until I'm 100% over her. Side note: What kind of mature adult tells someone they love them and then jumps to another reltionship after being with someone for close to 5 years?!?! If anyone can give me an answer I'd like to hear it because all I can think to answer that is someone with; no self respect, the maturity level of a 16 year old, no respect for others, a liar, a cheater, and nut case.
NABDP Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Good point! It's funny because during the day, each day I keep having these little revelations. Unfortunately, I messaged her on FB to ask her if she loved this new guy. I tell you this because it seems like the thing that is helping me get over her is being completely honest to myself and others. So anyway back to the revelations! So I have been realizing that the relationship being as bad as it wasn't completely my fault like she says (and I want so badly to say to her what I'm going to say to you). But first off, she told me all the time how mean I was and how I seemed distant and uncaring. At first I thought I was just being an *******, now I realize the only reason I was being that way was because, first, the things she has done to me in the past. Second, because the things she was doing now. It's really hard to be really loving and caring to a person when they do things that bug you. Second revelation! I'm realizing that I'm not the one with the emotional issues. She has some kind of void she needs to fill that she obviously can't. She was seeing a shrink for a few months after our last big break up to, "help get her life together" then she stopped. Third revelation! I'm in such a better place then she is. I don't live with my parents, I'm not unemployed and I have actually finished college. I might have been a mess up before but at least I saw what I didn't like about myself and my life and I worked on fixing those things. Fourth revelation! The relationship died a long time ago. I truely believe that the only reason I kept letting her come back to me was because I felt bad. I felt that if I was with her and gave her the proper tools (letting her live with me, paying for her expenses and so on) that she would eventually change her ways and become more focused and driven. That never happened, I would talk to her about her habitual drinking and missing school all the time. She never did anything about it and still hasn't. Fifth revelation! I'm just really missing the feeling of loving and being loved. I miss the companionship her and I had not because of her but because I'm a guy who likes being IN relationships. I also just really miss the sex, we didn't have it all the time and it wasn't always great (she's a very selfish lover). But at least I didn't have to put effort into getting any. Sixth and final revelation so for! I have no real reason to keep talking to her, thinking about her, or missing her. She wasn't as great as I thought she was. I was just holding on the way she was when we first met. Not the immature, emotionally damaged person she is now. When we first dated she was amazing, mature, had her life in order. Somewhere down the line it went downhill and I was stuck in the avalanche that is her bull****. She always told me that I didn't treat her well, maybe that is true on some occasions but she didn't treat me great either. She was always constantly starting fights, always constantly putting herself in positions to where I couldn't trust her then blaming me for not trusting her. She was always draining my wallet because she had me believe that I had to keep her life fun and exciting. And she never ever was understanding when I wanted to go out with friends or not hang out with her. She would call me constantly to see what I was doing through out the day and if I didn't pick up after her third phone call in a row she would text me. I could never have a moment of piece with that girl. I mean seriously is it really necessary to call your boyfriend 10 times a day and text him constantly just to say "Hi"? I know people who are in relationships a lot more committed then ours was and they talk MAYBE 3 times a day when they are apart. So there you have it. My list of revelations. It feels good to type them out because it makes me realize just how screwed up she is. Now it might be wrong of me to say this, but I really do hope she realizes how good she had it with me. I do hope she comes running back just so I can slam the door in her face and do what she did to me. I don't take things lying down and I'm done being a doormat for inconsiderate little bitches. I'm filled with a lot more self respect now and I'm just done. I want to call her and just tell her all of what I just said to you guys but I know it's wrong. Thanks for everything and I will probably be on here a lot and posting until I'm 100% over her. Side note: What kind of mature adult tells someone they love them and then jumps to another reltionship after being with someone for close to 5 years?!?! If anyone can give me an answer I'd like to hear it because all I can think to answer that is someone with; no self respect, the maturity level of a 16 year old, no respect for others, a liar, a cheater, and nut case. This is a great post by you. Now the challenge will be "walking the talk". Which is often easier said than done. You already know the FB message was a mistake. You need to really cut off all FB contact seriously. If your ex is like mine you have defriended her and she you and you can't see her profile info anyway. Then again I have seen some situations where you remain friends and then proceed to start posting photo and status updates to make the other jealous or play games. Best thing is a total FB block. No contact means NO facebook. You are trying to get that last morsel of contact and it feels good and then feels even worse. I know because I hit rock bottom at that stage a few weeks ago and sent a short e-mail about getting together to talk. Our breakup was civil so she did respond kindly but turned it down, stating she was starting a "new life" and that seeing me would just cause her to "break down". So in the end it did nothing, possibly even made things worse, I felt worse anyway, because I gave her the chance to basically refuse me all over again. And put power into her hands. You are doing similar with every contact. On your second comment, every girl who behaves like your ex, leaves you for another guy, drama, etc, will do her best to make YOU feel like it is ALL YOUR FAULT. It's a lot easier for them to live with themselves this way. It helps them justify treating you unfairly, justify leaving, and helps them look in the mirror and like themselves. Remember all relationships are 50/50 no matter what, I don't care what country you're in or whatever. So half of whatever went wrong is HER responsibility. I'm not saying you were perfect, obviously you made mistakes, I did in my R as well, but by her refusing to sit down and have a rational discussion with you, she made even worse mistakes. You give her love, and commitment, and financial support, even emotional support. What has she given you in return lately? Bottom line - Stop letting her put the blame on YOU. 2 - It sounds like she has a lot of the same emotional issues as my ex (drama, commitment issues, heavy drinking, past drug use, inability to deal with stressful situations). These are MAJOR PROBLEMS. These are HER ISSUES. She carried them into your R and she will carry them into her next R, and her next, and her next, etc. Don't sit around and daydream that they will all go away with her next R. They won't. She will carry this burden with her always, as long as she refuses to take a hard look at herself and want to fix herself. 3 - This one baffles me because it seems common. They actually almost want the hardship. All I can think is that these girls like drama. Having to struggle with a worse living situation, financial situation, a new BF that is less stable, makes sense to them in some twisted way. Like having all the love and support and stability is TOO BORING for them. They need drama and adversity. It gives them a sense of purpose. I know it doesn't make sense, I am just trying to interpret it as well. In leaving me, my ex went from a situation where she would have very little to worry about financially, for the rest of her life, and went into a situation where she will struggle every week to just get by financially. Life isn't all about money, sure, but in some cases it seems these girls WANT to struggle. One time, years ago in one of her many drunken ramblings, my ex made a comment about wishing she was dating someone with issues like she had. She felt I was too stable. I wasn't depressed, had a good job, was happy, great family, few hardships, etc...She felt like, in her drunk logic, that she'd be happier with a guy in a similar situation to hers...Brothers in arms, I guess. Weird. 4 - Your original R died the first time she left you and ended up with someone else. Each time you let her back it was a changed R. And the sad truth is that it sounds like even before she left the first time she had already checked out of the idea of a long term R with you and decided you were her fallback. 5 - I think everyone here on coping can relate to this, male or female. One of the big benefits of a LTR is sex usually at the ready, love and affection at the ready. IF you need a hug, a kiss, sex, care, etc, it's available daily. When it's yanked out from under you like this it's TOUGH. Imagine you are someone who likes to watch TV every night. Suddenly your TV is gone. You will REALLY miss the TV probably even more than you realize. But eventually you'll buy a new TV, or just get used to not having TV. The transition BLOWS though, don't get me wrong. 6 - NC is the way to go and it sounds like you are getting there finally so that's good. Gotta stop with the FB messages. Don't put her on a pedestal. When you think of her, and you will, try and remember all those fights and bad times and NOT the good times. Forget the good times. She is not a good person or a good force in your life now. Remember how much hurt she has caused you. On your final comments -- This personality type is UNABLE TO BE ALONE usually. She still has some sort of feelings for you but not enough to make her believe you are worthy of a LTR. You are there when there are no better options. Stop being there. She left for another guy right away because she can't be alone. My ex I am sure is with another guy or has been with many more guys already, but I cut myself off from knowing this info. There is NO GOOD THAT CAN COME OF KNOWING. Just know that they need another guy so they can try and validate themselves as a good person, because they can't be happy by themselves. It's too bad but that goes hand in hand with the insecure, low self-esteem, needy types. The R validates them. So that's why she had a new guy so fast. She can't be alone, she's not capable.
northstar1 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 This is good stuff, NABDP. Some will try and justify the end was all due to your issues or your failure to do this or that. But often they dont' have the coping mechanisms in life to deal with stress or adversity. They may have turned to alcohol or drugs or sex in the past as a way to deal with issues, rather than process them naturally and learn how to cope and move forward. So when the relationship becomes too much for them to handle, or they cannot accept any blame for things, they will resort to old habits, or just decide to close up shop and bail. It hurts like hell when it happens, but think about how it might have turned out down the road in a longer term relationship, or marriage, or with kids and that happened? Infinitely harder to cope with. I know, small consolation when you are hurting, but something to think about. I know with mine, I am feeling the pain right now, but down the road I will realize that it didn't work out for a reason afterall.
elits0 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Went out with my girl for 5 years. While we were on a break she was seeing someone else without telling me and when I found out that somehow brought us back together. We lasted for a few more months and then she ended up hooking back up with the guy. Basically we're in the same situation. I already know you posted in my thread before but I figured I'd give you some insight since your situations are kind of similar. I honestly know how hard it is for you right now.. I'm sure everyone else does also.. That's why there is so much support for you right now. I think the best thing I can do for you is tell you how things worked out for me so maybe you can figure something out. After we broke up we stayed in contact.. I figured we would probably get back together but 2 weeks later when she hooked back up with J I was devastated. I went into NC after that. During this period of time I was like you and I kept thinking about why it ended, who was to blame, and I went through periods of extreme anger and sadness. About a month later I realized that I didn't need her in my life anymore. I had accepted the fact that we were on two different paths and that I was still the same person I was when I was with her. This stability ended when a mutual friend told me the guy had split up with her because she still missed me. Me being the idiot I was jumped all over at the fact that she still remotely had feelings for me and I contacted her. What ended up happening was me telling her all my feelings (again) and trying really hard to get her back. She basically told me she cared about me and loved me but she felt the same way about J and that right now she couldn't bear to be in a relationship with anyone. What that led to was her seeing me and talking to me, kissing goodbye and whatnot. But I later found out she was doing the same thing with J and I got pissed. What further angered me was the fact that she couldn't even tell him about me. So instead of getting hurt even worse I left and started NC again. What I'm trying to get at is that you have to assume that once the girl has moved on there is no going back. I've come to the point where even though what we had was special, it's over and nothing is going to change. Just imagine there is a girl out there way better than she is and that girl will make you twice as happy as you ever were. Forgive her and yourself for what happened, learn from the mistakes, and most important of all realize you will always be who you are. Sorry if that post seemed like a thread jack. Good luck Alombard. also if you even want a second chance you should definitely keep up NC and try to heal up. Then in a year or so when you have a clear head and she is still on your mind, go for it.
NABDP Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 The last one is such an awesome post, and should be read by anyone who comes to these forums and pines for an ex girlfriend that broke them up. Basically, be careful what you wish for. I have read thread after thread across the web of folks who want their ex girlfriends back...Only to get that wish, take them back, and to get burned again. Sure, there are success stories out there, but more often than not, it's just a brief speed bump on the road to recovery, which eventually ends up being without the ex. So, the important thing here to remember is, NC is meant as a way to isolate yourself from the pain of the past, focus on yourself and the future, and to allow your brain to stop thinking about your ex. So if you DO get in the rare situation where you have the chance to take back an ex girlfriend who wronged you, you are in the right mental state of mind to make the correct choice for you, whatever choice that may be. In this case, elits0 had that chance and took it, and it didn't work out...By the time the chance happens for some others, you may not even WANT it anymore. The key is, don't let your depression and neediness and sense of loss cloud you from making proper judgment. To me? The thought of having her back is scarier than starting over with a new girl. That's where anyone should be where they wind up in a situation where there has been dumping, deception, or mistreatment. You should be SCARED that they want back. Not hoping for it. Because read that last post, and you'll see -- It's actually easier if they never come back.
elits0 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 To me? The thought of having her back is scarier than starting over with a new girl. That's where anyone should be where they wind up in a situation where there has been dumping, deception, or mistreatment. You should be SCARED that they want back. Not hoping for it. Because read that last post, and you'll see -- It's actually easier if they never come back. Hell yes. It's definitely a scary idea of them wanting to come back.. Part of it is i have already totally accepted the fact that they are gone and the other part of it is it just shows how fragile their resolve is. I'd rather my ex just stay happy with her new bf than go back and forth. Scary thought indeed...
Author ALombard Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I seriously love this place! You guys have been so helpfull but for some reason I keep slipping up! I messaged her last night to ask if she loved this new guy. She replied "no". I texted her later saying maybe sometime next week we could get a bite to eat. No response... So I went back on FB and just let it out and said basically this. "The things I never like about our break ups is how cold and mean you become. You ignore me or talk to me like I'm some kind of acquantince of yours. It's really hurtful and also you always jump to another guy a few days after you dump me. I don't know why you do this, I don't know if it makes you feel better but each time you find it not working you come back to me. All I'm asking is dont pretend like you feel nothing for me. Each time we broke up and I asked you why you jumped to someone else it was always the same answer 'Because I was hurt and pissed'. You tell me you want this to work ONE DAY but it won't unless you give me some respect and I will in turn do it for you. Stop forcing your feelings for me down because I'm still in love with you and each time we got back together you always told me you never stopped being in love with me. So if you EVER want this to work you need to stop being cruel or I'm just walking away." Yup so there's me, and I'm so pissed at myself. I've done everything to try to keep myself from talking to her. Deleting her number, her FB, diving into work, working out a lot. But everytime I have just a few free moments I revert back to talking to her. WHAT THE HELL!!! Please someone what am I doing wrong because I know I can do better but I'm just so stuck.
Author ALombard Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I really think the thing is that I'm holding onto the hope that maybe this break up will be like the last 2 big ones we had. Where she'll see this guy, be a bitch to me, tell me to move on, then we will start talking more, hanging out more, and get back together. It's so ****ed up of me to keep thinking of but it's all that runs through my head and I don't know how to stop. I keep thinking, "Ok this is just another one of our break ups, she will come back eventually. RIGHT?! RIGHT?!" and it's tearing me up inside. I know she doesn't know this guy that well and I'm not too sure they have nothing in common. I mean when I asked why she said "yes" being with him her only answer was, "Because it's nice to be treated well". Not, "Because we have a lot in common, I can talk to him about anything, we just clicked really well" NOTHING! Those are all the things about her and I that got us together WE ARE SOO MUCH ALIKE and love to do things like go to museums, see plays, etc. This guys is just some booze drinking pot smoking mechanice ****er! And another thing is she never EVER tells me how she feels when I ask her. It's just "I still love you" or "I want to be with you just not right now because it isn't working". MY MIND IS RACING!
northstar1 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Dude How many times do you want this girl to rip out your heart. She's toxic to your happiness and well being. You are holding onto hope she'll come back based on past experience, but then what did that coming back lead to? Right, her leaving again when it got tough. It's a vicious cycle that is leaving your self-esteem and worth tied to her acceptance of you. I know it's hard, trust me I do, you think they might come back. But this girl doesn't respect you. She really doesn't.
elits0 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I know how badly it sucks after you break up with your gf and talk to them and all that love and warmth that used to be there is gone. You seriously need to let go. Delete her number, email, and block her on facebook and all other mutual friends who might end up posting up a picture of her. Stop asking questions also.. if there is one thing I learned from my ex it's that asking questions will just lead to more questions and you'll never really believe what they say. You'll just end up in a downward spiral of speculation and assumptions based on your emotions. Just let go. Life goes on. Trust me.
NABDP Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 You got it bad man, that's all I can say. She's really got her claws in you are you are addicted to her as much as she seems to be addicted to the drama, and the alcohol, and the other guys, etc. As much as she needs to stop this you need to stop contacting her and giving her all the power and letting her walk on you. All I can ask you is, how do you feel better having contacted her today? Better or worse? To me it sounds like what you did yesterday has actually put you backwards and made you feel even worse than you were feeling before you did it. That enough should be enough to tell you, it's time to cut off all contact. If she really, really, really gets help (and this won't happen overnight) and wants you back for good, and is willing to take the hard steps to change...She can come to you and tell you that. But a message saying "I miss you" is not enough. Stop contacting, please, for your own mental well being.
Author ALombard Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 You're all right. That's the thing, I've talked to so many people and even with everything I have read or heard I still can't stop. Last night a friend of mine who is in school to become a physciatrist told me that it would help to just send one last message to her on FB. He said, "tell her exactly how you feel, but tell her you're done. Say you're moving on, be sincere and honest and tell her." So I did, I wrote one last message to her telling her exactly how I felt, what I wanted, but that also after I sent the message I was done and I was going to move on to focus on my life. Well anyway she ends up calling me this morning 5 times before class, then another 4 times after class. She calls my cell phone and my house phone over and over again. So I finally pick up because I figure she wouldn't leave me alone until I did. When I asked why she was calling she said, " I just wanted to tell you I wasn't ignoring you. I fell asleep really early." I was half asleep so I just said "ok" and we talked for maybe 2 minutes then I hung up. Looking back on it right now if that's the only reason she called me for why did she call my cell phone over 8 times, my house phone 3 times? If that's all she wanted why didn't she just leave me a voicemail or send me a text? You're all right I have it really bad for this girl. Each time I talk to her I get wrecked. I'm so ****ing addicted to her.
northstar1 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 She's blasting your phone because she saw a glimpse that you might move on and no longer be on her backburner. That's why. It doesn't mean she wants you back. It means that she doesn't want you ignoring her or not being there in case she changes her mind. It's like trapping a spider under a glass. She knows you are there and aren't going anywhere as long as she keeps the glass covering you. She may get bored and walk away, but in her mind, she knows where you are. Now, you telling her you are done is like someone tipping that glass. She sees the spider might run away and she's scrambling to trap the spider again. It's up to you how long you want to play that game. Because you know that she's going to do it again. At some point you are going to have to decide what is more important to you. Your happiness, peace of mind and self respect, or maybe or maybe not having her in your life again and preparing for it to happen all over again. Until you can see your self worth and there are girls out there who will want you 100%, you are going to keep allowing her to trap you under the glass man.
Author ALombard Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Hey northstar, Yeah that thought went through my head. I also checked my FB and she had replied to the message i sent her. All her reply really said was, "I really don't know what to say, I appreciate what you said and I love you too." Also, she had actually told me that she wasn't trying to ignore me in her reply. So why did she have to call me?!?! It's just throwing me for loops, sometimes I feel great and then ****ty. I mean all I think about is her and having her back and makes me feel so incredibley empty, like right now. I know that I just need to stop talking to her but I'm scared that she will just move on completely. I want her back but I really believe we would need intensive couples therapy (which I would be okay with). But I don't know I just have all these thoughts running through my head that I can't seem to get out. Such as, "i want her back", " I want her to move back in", "How can I get her back", "I need to move on", " I will find someone better". I think what it is, is the fact that I am so afraid to have to start over again. I'm young, only 23. But it scares the living hell out of me. The fact that she is with someone else bugs me to, because even if it's obvious he is just a rebound/fallback, whatever you want to call it I feel like if I move on I will lose her forever. I really need just a good swift kick in the ****ing head. These thoughts and feelings have literally made me so emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted that I'm starting to get scared.
northstar1 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 My ex told me she loved me after the breakup too. And you know what, we're still broken up. Because she no longer wanted the relationship. You want her back so badly because: 1)You want what you can't have right now. We covet things we see or know and can't have. 2)You are feeling lonely You are 23!! You will have many, if not tons of relationships. When I was 23 in college, I broke up with a girl I'd dated for 2 years. Thought she was the one, promise ring, yadda yadda. Never thought I'd find someone. That was many years and many long term relationships later.
Author ALombard Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Yeah I know man. I keep telling myself that all the time. This will be hard to believe, but most of the time I do really really well. I just have these moments like I said earlier on in the this post where I just can barely contain myself from talking to her. It's like I'm trying to claw at the last bits of her I have left. I know for a fact that if I could only just go one day without talking to her, one damn day of no FB messages, texts, phone calls, anything! That I woud be so much better off and seriously I felt great after that message I sent her. I felt like I had closure, I felt like I said what I needed to say. I let her know everything I had my piece of mind and when I went home that morning to go to sleep I felt great. It wasn't until the phone calls started and I picked up that I was wrecked. Soon as I talked to her and saw that she was freaking out over me I felt there was something there. She is with someone else I keep telling myself and eventhough it most likely won't work I need to move on. I don't know what to do now though. I feel like I back tracked. I want the power I had over her when she read my message back. I had her freaking out over me not vice versa and I ended up screwing that up. So what now? Just stop? I messaged her last night because I got picked up for a little traffic warrant and need a ride back to my car. She didn't pick up of course, probably out partying for cinco de mayo. I just told her thanks for picking up. So what now? Just leave it be? Even if she calls me today to find out what happened do I just ignore her now and get over it? I know she will want me back one day because she always does. As soon as she finds out i'm dating again and not calling her begging her to come back she falls back into my arms. Will someone please just beat this **** into my head.
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