I really ****ed up this weekend.

[ALombard]

Hello once again my fellow LoveShackers,

 

So if any of you have read my last posts you know the situation with my ex. For those who don't basicallly we broke up after 4 1/2 years together and a few days after she tells me she's with a guy she's only know for a month. Anyway a few days ago her and I agreed to go NC. I did it to TRY to save myself from a world of hurt and pain because this IS NOT the first time she has done this to me. She said she needed to do it because her new guy was getting pissed and she wouldn't get over me if we still talked.

 

Now, the NC didn't last long on my part. I've been dealing with this all wrong. I've been doing A LOT of drinking, and the sad thing is I know that once the drunk feeling wears off or I'm by myself I'm just MORE depressed and think about her MORE. Well the NC was supposed to into affect last Wedsnday. When it happened I was totally fine with it. I start drinking and everytime I got drunk and was by myself I would text her...No reply. This weekend, the weekend where I told myself I was gonna go out and have fun and not think of her, I end up texting her non-stop. Telling her I want her back and I want her to move in with me again and I would pay for everything if she just came back. No reply, EVER! Saturday comes around and my drunk ass calls her, I end up talking to her boyfriend and I hear her in the background crying saying "He's gonna ruin everything." This puts me in a bad spot so I go to the ER and see a shrink. We talk and I feel better then I go back home. Today/tonight I was in a bad place. My friend comes over and I end up venting to her. I feel a little better afterwards.

 

So now I'm here at work, it's 3 am and I can only think about her. And this is where I'm stuck. I keep telling myself it's over and to move on. Don't think about her or talk about her. Take it one day at a time, I know I will find someone one day, that she isn't worth the sorrow I feel because in all honesty she is just really immature as a person (has no job, is failing school, drinks all the time, etc.) I know I'm better off without her, I mean if someone is truely in love with you they don't break up with you and start dating right away 3 times in a row. I know it's done but part of me still sits here and wonders how will they be together and what can I do to get her back or just talk to her. Part of me still wants to propose to her and is just holding onto this false hope.

 

So yeah I'm pretty lost, I mean I know that the pain will subside and that I will find someone who is better it's just I'm so stuck on her that I can't even see myself with anyone that isn't her. Almost like I've made her the picture of my perfect girl, maybe it's because I just got so comfortable with her. And I'm stuck in this cycle of drinking and not sleeping which in turn just makes me think more which makes me more miserable and makes it hard to sleep so I drink. I've been eating healthier and going to the gym. I try to call other people, friends, family, when I want to call her. I just don't what to do anymore I want to be over her but I also don't want to let go of her completely because I'm in love with her. And even that statement confuses me because I don't know if I'm in love with her or who she was when we first met which was a girl who was working all the time, doing great in school, not drinking all the time. So please people, give me something. Reassurance, advice, tell me your stories because I don't want to fall back into a deeper mess then I'm already in.

 

Thanks

[ALombard]

Come on people, all these views and not one word of advice or wisdom?

[northstar1]

Well, you've realized that you made a mistake by trying to contact her that much. And by drinking a lot. Bad combo.

 

You need to find better ways to cope that doesn't include alcohol. Take up a class, run, lift weights, go on a road trip. anything to distract yourself so you don't text her.

 

As for your ex, well you have to question her character if she's with a guy just days after a long term breakup. She's either someone who needs validation throught attention and can't be alone, or she was detaching herself for a while before it ended. either way, I think you need to accept its over and move on

 

Ask yourself, do you really want a girl back who is able to jump ship that fast into a new relationship? What does that say about her decision making and coping skills?

[ALombard]

Hey Northstar. You make a good point and I've thought about it a lot. It's funny you bring up the fact that she could be a person who seeks validation through attention and you really hit the nail on the head there. She has a lot of emotional issues from her childhood, and like I said each time she has dumped me (3 total) she has jumped to another guy each time. And each time it's always the same excuse for the break up, "I'm an uncaring boyfriend, this guy treats me better." And the funny thing is too is that a week before she was telling me how much she wanted our relationship to work. It's just like i've said before I'm at this stage in my life where I'm focusing on my future, my career. She thinks she's focused but she isnt with all the partying and skipping class and having no job. I really don't think I want her back because I'm not okay with being with someone who is just lost in life, she's become a complete loser.

 

I told her a few weeks ago when she told me that maybe I should take some time to myself to figure out what I wanted from her that if she was wanting space just so that she could go and date someone else I was done. I mean 3 strikes and you're out right? So i'm positive I dont ever want her back and to be quite honest i'd be fine with never talking to her again. I told her that before too, I dont talk to ex's because there is no point in being friends. So yeah, I just have my good and bad moments during the day. And the more people give me advice and positive or negative feedback the better I start to feel.

[northstar1]

Well, then that is a clear sign of how she deals with things. The fact you mention she has had childhood trauma might help to explain how she copes with things. She needs attention/validiation in order to maintain her self esteem. If you fail to meet her 'needs', she places blame and then looks to end things and seek attention elsewhere.

And often, they are not willing to stick it out and work through problems, instead they decide they need to look elsewhere.

 

Honestly, you likely dodged a bullet here. If this is how she deals with problems, is to close down and begin to attention seek, then you'd always be on eggshells down the road. As soon as you do somethign wrong or miss her needs, she'd bail.

 

You might not be able to see that now because you miss her and are trying to fill that void, but you will and be glad of it.

[ALombard]

Talk about being correct. That's exactly how she is to the "T". Everytime I couldnt hand out with her that much because of work, I work nights and sleep during the day, so our scheduels never clicked. She would start telling me I wasn't caring enough or what else did she say....I treated her like a 3rd class person because I would hang out with my friends a lot. So you're obsolutely correct, her reasoning behind this guy is that I pushed her away and he treats her nicely.

 

You're right when you say I dodged a bullet because I never really asked her to do much for me, but she always wanted things from me. Not to mention the respect she had for me wasn't all there. I do miss her yes and I do want to fill the "void" but not with her.

[mickleb]

Gosh ALombard - stop being so demanding! It's Monday for goodness sake!

 

I'm glad you are beginning to wise up to this one. She's been very manipulative with how she ended things.

 

So damned out-of-order to hand you over to the new bf, whilst moaning 'he'll ruin everything' in the background! What a b*tch!

 

I know I like to pull this old rabbit out of the bag but there's more than a whiff of Commitment Phobia around here. This is the third time she's pulled this sh*t?

 

I feel sorrier for the tw*tty new bf than I do for you! He hasn't got a clue.

 

YOU, on the other hand, painful as it is, DO.

 

GRIEVE. (And lay off the booze.) You'll feel great once you're past this. I promise.

 

x

[ALombard]

No I am doing a lot better, I just have moments during the day where I feel like I just want to talk to her. Until I realize she's a crazy bitch loser with nothing going for her in life. Like literally she even admitted to me a few weeks ago that nothing good happens in her life. Sound depressing much? While I on the other hand have a great paying job, my own place, have steady finances. Now I just need a girl who I can share it with. Who actually has her **** together.

[NABDP]

ALombard,

 

If it's any consolation you are not alone in this.

 

My ex left about 1 1/2 months ago, together 4 years, and we were engaged to be married with the wedding in a couple of weeks.

 

Her personality sounds a lot like your ex's and yours like mine. You are the stable one and loved her unconditionally and she was the one who always wanted the party, and the mind-reading, etc.

 

Was she suffering from depression by any chance? In many cases girls like this are. Did she drink a lot? That is how some depressed people like her self-medicate. Mine did all that. The drinking got so bad (it was always regular really, just randomly got really bad), that I pushed her away to another guy.

 

Really the bottom line here is this personality type knows you love them but feel it's easier to run in the opposite direction than look back to you. Wiping the slate clean and starting fresh (in their mind) is easier than dealing with the present situation. It's easier to have a new relationship than to work on the current one for them. Definitely a bad quality in a long term partner. Unfortunately it's unlikely our exes will ever be able to be in a LTR ever, with anyone, no matter how "perfect" they might seem at the start. Their own personal issues will always cause them to self-sabotage.

 

It's sort of like a person who crashes their car, puts a bunch of dents in it -- Instead of fixing it for $2000, they just trash it and buy a brand new car, cost be damned. Best analogy I can come up with on short notice. Basically, for girls like this, it's easier to get the new car and not try and repair that beat up old car. Not that you can't fix the beat up old car, and even make it good as new or better, but they don't want the hassle of doing the fixing.

 

By the way, much like your breakups, my ex never broke it off with me before but did threaten. Also, she was engaged TWICE before she met me (in much shorter term relationships) and both times called it off. This should have been an immediate red flag to me to begin with. So that makes 3 engagements this girl has called off. In other words, same pattern. Commitment-phobic. And they will do anything to rationalize it, usually making YOU out to be the bad guy (after all, they already don't like themselves, they can't load this extra weight on top as well).

 

Anyway I don't have a great solution but just some sympathy to say you are not alone here and a good guy. Guys like us have a talent for picking the wrong girls, the fixer-uppers, and get attached to being the fixer. I know I have. And despite it all since it's fresh we still miss them too and can't figure out why. Mostly because we have an addiction of our own to them and their problems and the fixing.

 

I did finally get to NC and have been 2 1/2 weeks now, we were living together so there was some needed contact until she left, I then faltered a few times with text and e-mail myself unfortunately, not to any positive (contact NEVER works for anything)...NC is going well now and plan to stay that way.

 

My last e-mail before this NC was an attempt to get together to talk about what had happened so I could have a better understanding of anything I might have done to get us to this point -- Probably not even a good idea since she may not have even told the honest truth, but she was not interested in seeing me and said she would "break down" if she did, the guilt was weighing heavily on her for all the troubles and dishonesty. So she ran.

 

All I can say is NC is good for you, if you can do it -- Over time it will get easier to accept the fact she is very likely out of your life forever, it's just hard to admit to yourself after being in a relationship so long.

[northstar1]

ALombard,

 

Really the bottom line here is this personality type knows you love them but feel it's easier to run in the opposite direction than look back to you. Wiping the slate clean and starting fresh (in their mind) is easier than dealing with the present situation. It's easier to have a new relationship than to work on the current one for them. Definitely a bad quality in a long term partner. Unfortunately it's unlikely our exes will ever be able to be in a LTR ever, with anyone, no matter how "perfect" they might seem at the start. Their own personal issues will always cause them to self-sabotage.

 

It's sort of like a person who crashes their car, puts a bunch of dents in it -- Instead of fixing it for $2000, they just trash it and buy a brand new car, cost be damned. Best analogy I can come up with on short notice. Basically, for girls like this, it's easier to get the new car and not try and repair that beat up old car. Not that you can't fix the beat up old car, and even make it good as new or better, but they don't want the hassle of doing the fixing.

 

.

 

This part really struck home. My ex did the same thing, we went through a rough period and she ended up detaching and then I was on eggshells for weeks until it all came to a close. She's used to running when there are any hurdles in relationships.

[NABDP]

This part really struck home. My ex did the same thing, we went through a rough period and she ended up detaching and then I was on eggshells for weeks until it all came to a close. She's used to running when there are any hurdles in relationships.

 

And chances are, she had done this BEFORE she met you in past relationships, and she will continue to do it in the future as well, possibly all her life unless SHE decides to get help for this problem. You may have even been the one she ran to after a previous bad breakup (something to think about when getting into a new R with a girl, how soon did she end her last R?) This personality type is also known for not being able to be on their own for long, they need a partner to validate them, to cheer them up, to make them feel like a better person, and also to rationalize what they did in leaving you -- After all, if they meet a great new guy, who is filling their needs (as most do in fresh, new relationships), leaving YOU must have been the EXACT right choice, right? RIGHT???

 

Of course not -- But that's how they will see it. Happy new fresh R, total justification for their actions of running away from you. It's just what the doctor ordered for them, only better -- They didn't even need medication to get there. But it doesn't usually last. The cycle just starts over.

 

And she might get help. It's pretty hard to overcome this type of lifestyle without professional help though, this personality type rarely can just "get better" on their own. Serial runners are sort of the same as serial cheaters.

 

Once a runner, always a runner.

Edited May 3, 2010 by NABDP

[NABDP]

By the way just to add a little more here to help out anyone else who reads this, another thing my ex did was "job jump" a lot, too. Whenever she started getting into disagreements with her co-workers, or having a tough time, she would simply look for a new job.

 

It's a perfect analogy for the relationship with you. So typically, if you are with a girl who seems to never be happy in her job, always "looking" for a new job (staying with the old job is okay until she finds the new job though), and seems to never be able to be stable in one job, chances are this personality trait will directly translate into relationships as well. You are the same as her job. Once it gets tough, she'll look for a new you, too.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread. Back to programming.

[northstar1]

And chances are, she had done this BEFORE she met you in past relationships, and she will continue to do it in the future as well, possibly all her life unless SHE decides to get help for this problem. You may have even been the one she ran to after a previous bad breakup (something to think about when getting into a new R with a girl, how soon did she end her last R?) This personality type is also known for not being able to be on their own for long, they need a partner to validate them, to cheer them up, to make them feel like a better person, and also to rationalize what they did in leaving you -- After all, if they meet a great new guy, who is filling their needs (as most do in fresh, new relationships), leaving YOU must have been the EXACT right choice, right? RIGHT???

 

Of course not -- But that's how they will see it. Happy new fresh R, total justification for their actions of running away from you. It's just what the doctor ordered for them, only better -- They didn't even need medication to get there. But it doesn't usually last. The cycle just starts over.

 

And she might get help. It's pretty hard to overcome this type of lifestyle without professional help though, this personality type rarely can just "get better" on their own. Serial runners are sort of the same as serial cheaters.

 

Once a runner, always a runner.

 

Very true. She'd been in a series of bad short term relationships before me, dating a guy for a while for the wrong reasons or knowing he wasn't a good partner, then bailed out as soon as there was a problem. This was the first time she'd actually been in a healthy long term relationship as far as I'm aware, that didn't last just a few months. But same end result, ran into problems and resorted to the old pattern of withdraw, and the eventually decide to bail.

[NABDP]

Very true. She'd been in a series of bad short term relationships before me, dating a guy for a while for the wrong reasons or knowing he wasn't a good partner, then bailed out as soon as there was a problem. This was the first time she'd actually been in a healthy long term relationship as far as I'm aware, that didn't last just a few months. But same end result, ran into problems and resorted to the old pattern of withdraw, and the eventually decide to bail.

 

Yes, the length is really not as much of an issue, the issue is that the end result will always be the same. There are a lot of factors that go into that. How needy SHE is at the time, how much of a doormat the guy is, etc. If you put up with a lot of her crap, she'll stick around longer, typically, until she uses you up. If she's feeling weak, or sad, or unappreciated, or depressed, etc, she'll hang as long as it takes to feel strong and better about herself. Then usually the same thing. When she doesn't need you to feel good about herself, or when she thinks someone else could make her feel BETTER about herself, exit ramp time.

 

But there is no set timeframe, only a set pattern.

[northstar1]

Yes, the length is really not as much of an issue, the issue is that the end result will always be the same. There are a lot of factors that go into that. How needy SHE is at the time, how much of a doormat the guy is, etc. If you put up with a lot of her crap, she'll stick around longer, typically, until she uses you up. If she's feeling weak, or sad, or unappreciated, or depressed, etc, she'll hang as long as it takes to feel strong and better about herself. Then usually the same thing. When she doesn't need you to feel good about herself, or when she thinks someone else could make her feel BETTER about herself, exit ramp time.

 

But there is no set timeframe, only a set pattern.

 

Yep, probably not a lot of time between dating these guys either in my guess. Date a guy, feel good for a while because he's meeting all her needs at first, then see an issue, and bail out and then find a new guy who validates her again and meets her needs at least at first, rinse repeat. I mean, some of the guys she's described seemed like tools (no job, hung out at clubs, players etc) and I wondered "well, why would you date them if you knew they were not good partners?". Need attention I guess.

 

By the way, same thing as you. After we brokeup (which was pretty fast), tried to get in touch to sit down and hopefully talk about what went wrong, was it fixable etc...............nothing.

Edited May 4, 2010 by northstar1

[NABDP]

Yep, probably not a lot of time between dating these guys either in my guess. Date a guy, feel good for a while because he's meeting all her needs at first, then see an issue, and bail out and then find a new guy who validates her again and meets her needs at least at first, rinse repeat. I mean, some of the guys she's described seemed like tools (no job, hung out at clubs, players etc) and I wondered "well, why would you date them if you knew they were not good partners?". Need attention I guess.

 

By the way, same thing as you. After we brokeup (which was pretty fast), tried to get in touch to sit down and hopefully talk about what went wrong, was it fixable etc...............nothing.

 

Yeah it's a big "no looking back" attitude they get. I'm interested to hear what ALombard has to say when he comes back, though, as it seems his ex looked back 2 or 3 times before the current situation. I'm curious as to how that all worked out logistically. Typically it's once and done, but in his case, his ex may have been having trouble finding someone to replace him, and thus used him as a crutch to come back to.

 

The big thing to remember about NC is that while many mistake it for a "trick" to make them miss you and want you back, the big reason is to help you heal (contact makes it hurt again), plus, and you don't see this one mentioned as much, but to give you the power/dignity back. I felt so shallow after I offered to get together to talk and she said basically "It won't do any good/change anything". Gave her that power right back when I did that and let her stonewall me yet again. Once you do that stuff you can't take it back, you can only start over.

 

So I hope ALombard can finally get to strict NC though I realize how tough it is as I struggled with it myself for a few weeks. You feel like you need to know you have done all you can to TRY and fix things. But at some point you really gotta stop. For your health as well as your self-respect. It's like letting them dump you all over again each time you contact hoping for a morsel back and get nothing or not the answer you wanted (and if you notice, it's always the way it happens too -- I never seem to see a thread of someone in NC who broke it and lived happily ever after).

[northstar1]

Yeah it's a big "no looking back" attitude they get. I'm interested to hear what ALombard has to say when he comes back, though, as it seems his ex looked back 2 or 3 times before the current situation. I'm curious as to how that all worked out logistically. Typically it's once and done, but in his case, his ex may have been having trouble finding someone to replace him, and thus used him as a crutch to come back to.

 

The big thing to remember about NC is that while many mistake it for a "trick" to make them miss you and want you back, the big reason is to help you heal (contact makes it hurt again), plus, and you don't see this one mentioned as much, but to give you the power/dignity back. I felt so shallow after I offered to get together to talk and she said basically "It won't do any good/change anything". Gave her that power right back when I did that and let her stonewall me yet again. Once you do that stuff you can't take it back, you can only start over.

 

So I hope ALombard can finally get to strict NC though I realize how tough it is as I struggled with it myself for a few weeks. You feel like you need to know you have done all you can to TRY and fix things. But at some point you really gotta stop. For your health as well as your self-respect. It's like letting them dump you all over again each time you contact hoping for a morsel back and get nothing or not the answer you wanted (and if you notice, it's always the way it happens too -- I never seem to see a thread of someone in NC who broke it and lived happily ever after).

 

Yeah, I'd like to hear ALombard chime in on his experience. I have to admit though when i reached out to just talk a few weeks later, it was pretty frustrating and disappointing that it was met with silence. It wasn't as if we'd had a big row, or I'd cheated, or done something terrible. It's a shame, because if she was willing to stick it out and fight for it, we'd have had a pretty solid future. But you can't make someone fight for something they no longer see a point in.

[ALombard]

Hey guys sorry I went to the gym.

 

So yeah reading all the posts, it is EXACTLY like my relationship. She would never hold down a steady job, she still can't. She always complained about money and failing in school but never really applied herself or looked for a new job. She would have these moments of working hard and then a few weeks later just stop. It bugged the hell out of me because I was really looking forward to proposing to her but I kept thinking to myself, "could I make something like this work in the long run?" Which would make me almost kind of cold to the situation because it was so hard to LOVE someone who just had so many issues. There were times where I question the relationship and started distancing myself because I wasn't sure if she is what I wanted anymore. But I was always honest about my feelings and always told her that she needed to focus on life and things would get better.

 

Now as far as her part in the relationship I could never put my finger on what was wrong with her and us according to her. She always told me that I didn't care enough or that I treated her second best which wasn't true. I always paid for her things if she couldn't afford them, paid for going out, always gave her a place to live. Her thing was that I should've committed to her. And all of you are right when it comes to how she handles the split. Each and everytime we broke up her reasons were the same. She feels like it isn't working and hasn't been working and then a few days later I find she is with someone else. We do NC for a while then we slowly start talking, hanging out, hooking up, then BAM back together. Once that happens I do everything she asks me to do, I spend the money to go out and do fun exciting things like going out of town for the weekend, seeing plays, going to museums. Things to basically break the monotomy of normal every day life. Once we stop and I get comfortable that she's back that's when our fights start and these fights are literally over nothing.

 

For example, last big fight we had was due to a friend of my little brothers drinking too much and throwing up. She wants us to take the friend to hospital for alcohol poisoning. Now at the time it was 3 am everyone at the house was drunk and if we called the ambulance they would call the cops cus the friend was under 21. So I check out the friend (I have my EMT certification) and she's fine. I tell my ex and she freaks out saying I don't listent to her. My ex wants to be a doctor but only took one class in highschool for nursing. So we end up fighting, I keep telling her that its late and i dont want to fight because the basis is dumb. She keeps it going so I finally get frustrated and tell her to call her mom and get out of my house. She starts crying and literally stops breathing to where she passes out, when she comes to she says breathing isnt worth it anymore. So finally i just have her stay and the next day comes without any discussion of the last night. Thats how most our fights were all the time.

 

So any thoughts guys because it seems like I'm not the only one with a messed up ex.

[NABDP]

Yeah, I'd like to hear ALombard chime in on his experience. I have to admit though when i reached out to just talk a few weeks later, it was pretty frustrating and disappointing that it was met with silence. It wasn't as if we'd had a big row, or I'd cheated, or done something terrible. It's a shame, because if she was willing to stick it out and fight for it, we'd have had a pretty solid future. But you can't make someone fight for something they no longer see a point in.

 

Yeah, hearing silence/getting no reply might have been even worse than what I heard. That's rough. Especially after reaching out in such a caring way.

 

The truth is (and I do believe this) whether they cheat or not, or have another guy lined up...They have often taken weeks or MONTHS to come to this decision. So girls who do the leaving are already way, way ahead of us as far as accepting the breakup. They always will be. So they have checked out months ago, and this is all brand new for you, hence the breaks in NC -- She was getting used to life without you and basically moving into limited contact already. I imagine had the tables been turned and you dropped the bomb on her she'd be just as shell shocked.

 

Seems like a pattern these days though, with the females slowly planning their new lives while still living with their SO's, just waiting for the proper moment to exit.

[NABDP]

ALombard,

 

I am not qualified at any of this but in reading just a short bit of what I am sure is a much more detailed life you have with this girl, I can give you my impressions.

 

The breathing thing is crazy. Sounds to me like the ultimate drama queen, mixed with self-esteem issues. Much like my ex. My ex often would have ailments or pains in the hopes of getting attention or sympathy. There was rarely a day with no drama at all. A normal, happy day. Most days there was something wrong, be it major or minor. Does your ex suffer from depression or take any medication. How about any past or present use of alcohol or drugs on a regular basis?

 

Now, as for this pattern you are in, of letting her go to other guys, taking her back, her leaving again, etc. This is what is known as being a doormat. In other words, she is walking all over you. Here's why -- You have proven to her on many occasions that you will let her behave this way, even see other guys, and then when she is done with that, you will welcome her back in open arms. Typically, this type of behavior is not acceptable. Most professionals might tell you to give her ONE chance, only with the ultimatum it is the one and only chance to work on YOUR relationship, and then if she still can't do that, time to call it quits. This pattern you establish is just allowing her to use you whenever she needs to, and then, when she gets bored/unhappy/depressed/restless leave, knowing she can get right back to all the benefits that YOU have to offer her.

 

So, this is where that whole expression tough love comes from. At this point I'm not saying you still can't love her. Love is a powerful thing. But what they tell you to do is, where possible, go NC and detach with love. Don't take her emails or calls when she wants to come back again. I could see if this was the first time and you thought maybe she was turning around. But it's happened too many times now. This has to be killing you and must just be so unhealthy as well. I feel your pain. I know it's hard to say no to someone who has so much power over you and that you would do anything to keep in your life. However, she is REALLY using you right now and you are rewarding her behavior.

 

I know that's not really exactly what you want to hear but it's how I see it. If I can give you any comfort is that your ex sounds similar to mine and that you are not alone in this. You sound like a really nice caring guy and we sometimes have the misfortune of letting ourselves get attached to the wrong girls. And when we do, we get so dependent on them that it is tough to let go. This is where you have to find that inner strength that every guy has and really stick up for yourself.

 

I am doing my best to do the same as you, knowing it will be a tough road ahead. I still miss my ex despite knowing the bad things she did over the course of our relationship. It's tough to turn those feelings off. But you have to try.

 

I'll try and keep posting as long as you have comments or questions.

[ALombard]

Yeah, she messaged me today on FB I didn't reply so she texted when I was at the gym so I replied and we just kinda had normal friend talk.

 

I know she's a drama queen and just using me, and when we get back together I'm always skeptical that's why I never committed completely to her. That pissed her off, but what am I supposed to do? Say "it's ok that you left me for another guy, please move back in with me". I don't think so, I mean I do miss her so much and part of me still thinks it could work if we worked on ourselves but I am also SO done. You say that girls usually leave after being set on it for weeks. I was really close to leaving her just because I couldn't handle the immaturity. Going out and meeting other girls actually showed me that mature, responisble girls do exist.

 

I do not see myself with her again because of her patterns and yeah by the way she did have problems with drug addiction before i met her (went to rehab for 9 months). That should have been a big red flag. Haha

[northstar1]

Yeah, hearing silence/getting no reply might have been even worse than what I heard. That's rough. Especially after reaching out in such a caring way.

 

The truth is (and I do believe this) whether they cheat or not, or have another guy lined up...They have often taken weeks or MONTHS to come to this decision. So girls who do the leaving are already way, way ahead of us as far as accepting the breakup. They always will be. So they have checked out months ago, and this is all brand new for you, hence the breaks in NC -- She was getting used to life without you and basically moving into limited contact already. I imagine had the tables been turned and you dropped the bomb on her she'd be just as shell shocked.

 

Seems like a pattern these days though, with the females slowly planning their new lives while still living with their SO's, just waiting for the proper moment to exit.

 

I definitely agree with most of this. I am sure that once we hit a bad spot, she had put up walls and began to detach. In fact, I know this. And once this happens, there isn't much you can do, because they will use every wrong thing you might say or do or not do (even if you aren't aware or it was benign)to further build the case in their mind to walk. And if they have a history of this, there isn't much you can do, because in their mind, you already are no longer 'ideal' for them. So by the time the walls comes down, they are pretty much detached and you have no recourse to try and fix it.

[northstar1]

Yeah, she messaged me today on FB I didn't reply so she texted when I was at the gym so I replied and we just kinda had normal friend talk.

 

I know she's a drama queen and just using me, and when we get back together I'm always skeptical that's why I never committed completely to her. That pissed her off, but what am I supposed to do? Say "it's ok that you left me for another guy, please move back in with me". I don't think so, I mean I do miss her so much and part of me still thinks it could work if we worked on ourselves but I am also SO done. You say that girls usually leave after being set on it for weeks. I was really close to leaving her just because I couldn't handle the immaturity. Going out and meeting other girls actually showed me that mature, responisble girls do exist.

 

I do not see myself with her again because of her patterns and yeah by the way she did have problems with drug addiction before i met her (went to rehab for 9 months). That should have been a big red flag. Haha

 

There are a few red flags here that make it hard for you to have had a long term, healthy relationship. There are people who have beaten addiction and had happy lives, but often there are a lot of other issues that are tied in with that that can lead to problems coping and keeping a relationship, often other addictions, or low self esteem, abandonment issues, or many relationships that don't last.

[ALombard]

Yeah I know that. I guess I'm just hung up on the fact that I wanted so badly to help her in life. I thought that if we were together it would give her the opportunity stay focused on her future goals and aspirations.

 

I told her today that I still do love her and miss and that I need to work on myself and she needs to work on herself. I told her that I was in a stage of my life where instead of going out and dating girl after girl after girl that I want to settle down and be in a relationship that leads to marriage in the next few years. I ****ed up and told her that I wanted it to be her still. Which is true, because even with all these realizations I'm having I still can't see myself starting over and falling in love with someone as much as I did with her.

 

I do feel a lot better each day I don't talk to her but my mind keeps flip flopping. One moment I'm glad it's over and I'm ready to move on and start up another relationship one day and just be done with her. The next I'm sitting there thinking that if she did come back to me that I would take things slow with her, but then really truely commit. I'm I just insane or what? I do want to be with her but I don't.

 

Any thoughts? Are these feeling I'm having because I want to actually be with her or because I'm just so desperate to fall in love again? I'm starting to see a shrink on Thursday because I do feel like I have some issues letting go of my past hurts and pains. I have trust issues in relationships and I don't want them to carry over to the next one, be it with her or not.

 

And that's another thing if in a few months she decides to come back what do I do? Do I just turn and run away or do I actually try, because when I told her how much I love her and that I would want to marry her one day once all of our issues are resolved she replied with "one day". What the hell does that mean?!

 

Just having a bad moment right now so any advice will help.

[NABDP]

I definitely agree with most of this. I am sure that once we hit a bad spot, she had put up walls and began to detach. In fact, I know this. And once this happens, there isn't much you can do, because they will use every wrong thing you might say or do or not do (even if you aren't aware or it was benign)to further build the case in their mind to walk. And if they have a history of this, there isn't much you can do, because in their mind, you already are no longer 'ideal' for them. So by the time the walls comes down, they are pretty much detached and you have no recourse to try and fix it.

 

Yeah it's not an exact science but what I have learned is that there are patterns that are the same among all these girls. It doesn't really help your situation or mine, but what it CAN do is make you feel a little better that this is a personality issue with the girl, and there wasn't a lot you could have done about it. In other words, even if you were 100% PERFECT in your relationship, it was probably just destined for failure anyway. It might have been YEARS after a marriage, kids, whatever, but regardless, there was a time limit. These type of girls, until they can learn to mature and deal with adversity head-on, face to face, and not run, are going to continue this type of pattern.

 

Unfortunately, my ex is still very attractive and will be for many years, perhaps all her life, and that gives her a HUGE crutch as she can very, very easily find new men to take care of her until she uses them up or they cast her off. But eventually that will always happen until she fixes herself which could take a lifetime.