mikeymad Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 There seem to be 2 distinct camps of people that have gone through the hell that is divorce. Those that are able to move on, and those that merely survive. Something has to distinguish those two groups from each other. Obviously there are issues and emotional scars to deal with, but there seems to be some unbeknownst (at least maybe to me) x factor. Why can some overcome and some are left picking up the pieces, never to return to their previous state? Why do some forgive, forget, and move on, while the rest of us hold on to places, people, and things that are dead and gone? Why is it holidays, birthdays, major life events are just blips on the calender to some, while to us we hold them in dread for weeks or months ahead of time? Some accept what was and go forward, while the rest torment themselves with demons of the past and play the "what if" game? Some can move on to other relationships just fine, some use them to placate themselves and cover up the pain, and others become content being alone. Thoughts? Comments? Apologies...Sundays were family day. Now they're spent alone. Side note: Ex's bday coming up next week. I'm not sure how to approach this, send a card or a short text..won't be getting a gift or calling. She gets off easy by just having a random day, but I'm stuck with the memory of getting married the day after my birthday. Can't wait to celebrate that this fall (sarcasm).
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Maybe it's not so black and white as you are currently painting it to be. We all move on...you also will... and we all just survive...as the wounds may heal, but the scars will remain. It's still early for you yet, Mikey, you have to give yourself more time. It was final just a couple weeks ago, right? Be patient with YOU. And think of it as character building. You'll never be the carefree boy you imagine you were as a child again...but you don't remember his day to day thoughts--they were filled with concerns. Likewise, you will move on and years will pass and new memories will take the memory space that you currently have allocated to her--and memories with her will take a back seat to newer ones. Sometimes I think it's all about delegating database space.
JLoves Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) You Go Girl is right.. It's about time.. It takes time to get over someone you loved. The Divorce care class I'm going to suggests a year for every 4 years you were married. I guess thats a safe estimate on their side. Thats 2 1/2 years until I'm theoretically ready to be in a relationship again. Eventually, I think you just get to a point where you can decide, It's done. It's over.. I think the deal is that some people never make that decision, even though they are ready for it. And keep going back to the what if's... Having said that.. Don't jump too fast.. You have to allow yourself to grieve the old relationship. It's dead, it's gone, it will never come back. (something different, better will though) You know it's nice to know someone else has it worse.... I was married 4 days before my 30th Birthday.. Told ILYBIDLY the night before my 41st birthday, after catching her kissing another guy, Separated 9 months later. Been by myself (and kids) for 6 months so far. Last weekend I had to take the kids to the shops to buy their mother a mothers day present each. On the other hand, the past couple of weeks, I seem to have picked myself up out of the depression doldrums and the fog of What If is lifting... I seem to be getting on with life without thinking of her too much. I guess I'm gradually getting over her.. If I can do it.... you can... there is hope.. just give it time and be open to allowing it to happen. Your post struck a note in my heart and I had to reply.. (and I love the avatar icon) PS.. Oh... Remember, you don't owe her anything right now.. Don't send her anything on her birthday. She doesn't deserve it after what she has done. Let silence be your present for her. Edited May 3, 2010 by JLoves
LittleTiger Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) Interesting question Mikey. I've been thinking about the very same thing myself lately so I have a few thoughts. People change things when the situation they currently have is no longer tolerable ie when almost any kind of change will be better than their current situation. I wonder if the people who don't move on so quickly actually have a higher tolerance for pain. I reached a point that was 'do or die' - literally. I either committed suicide or I chose to live and if I chose to live then what kind of life did that need to be to make it worth living. Heavy stuff I know, but without that thought process I wouldn't be where I am today and it actually hasn't taken me that long to get here. I loved my husband, very much. I still love him albeit in a different way and I'm sure I always will. He was my best friend. I have no intention of 'getting over him' as some people say. I have moved him to a different place in my heart and my head. I have known him for most of my life and I don't want to become indifferent towards him. I am perfectly happy with our relationship as it now is and I have no desire to go back. I would definitely categorise myself as one of those who has moved on and yet, by the 'rules' of JLoves Divorce Care Class (1yr for every 4yrs together) I should have taken three and half years to reach this point. Sorry, JLoves, I'm sure your class is great for you and I don't wish to disagree with your class leaders but that kind of thinking just makes me angry. We are all different, every single one of us. We have different backgrounds, different relationships, different personalities, different desires, different needs, different outlooks on life etc etc etc. It is ridiculous to categorise people and tell them how long it 'will' or 'should' take them to get over someone. I don't even believe in this 'we all need to be alone to find ourselves' rubbish. Human beings are meant to be paired off, that's how the species survives. Part of the grief we feel at the end of a relationship is the loss of our companion, irrespective of who that companion was. Obviously nobody should rush into a new relationship until they have dealt with any issues relating to the previous one and clearly, the more self aware and 'together' we are as individuals the more likely we are to make a relationship successful BUT people are not supposed to live alone - it's not natural or desirable for us. I believe this kind of thinking is actually responsible for making break ups much harder and more drawn out for some people. If you tell someone it should take X number of months or years to recover, they unconsciously take that on board and 'wait' until the required period is over. What are you waiting for? Do you expect to wake up one morning and the pain will be gone? It didn't happen that way for me. I had to go out and find a new way of life. I got myself super fit, I learned to rock climb, I cried a lot, I took some courses, I met new people. I got on with living. If we all accepted full responsiblity for our own life and our own future and forget what is 'expected' things would be so much easier for us. For anybody still struggling to 'survive' from a break up I would ask, what do you need right now to make your life better? The past is gone, it's no longer an option for any of us, all we have is the present and some control over our future. Unless you are down where I was in the depths of depression (in which case I would get some professional help), if you want to get over your ex you have to get out there and live. You Go Girl is absolutely right when she says 'it's all about delegating database space'. Those of us who 'move on' clear out the database and make room for the rest of our lives. Edited May 3, 2010 by LittleTiger
trippi1432 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I would definitely categorise myself as one of those who has moved on and yet, by the 'rules' of JLoves Divorce Care Class (1yr for every 4yrs together) I should have taken three and half years to reach this point. Sorry, JLoves, I'm sure your class is great for you and I don't wish to disagree with your class leaders but that kind of thinking just makes me angry. We are all different, every single one of us. We have different backgrounds, different relationships, different personalities, different desires, different needs, different outlooks on life etc etc etc. It is ridiculous to categorise people and tell them how long it 'will' or 'should' take them to get over someone. I would have to agree here, I have never truly agreed with some of those thoughts that I have read here on LS on taking x number of years to get over someone you love....you will always think about them in some way, especially if you share children. Yesterday was my 1st ex-husband's birthday, I still remember that even though it was 20 years ago. It only took me 3 months to quit allowing him to play games with my heart and another 6 months to move on....but I still think of him...not miss him or allow myself to be depressed by him though. For anybody still struggling to 'survive' from a break up I would ask, what do you need right now to make your life better? The past is gone, it's no longer an option for any of us, all we have is the present and some control over our future. Unless you are down where I was in the depths of depression (in which case I would get some professional help), if you want to get over your ex you have to get out there and live. Again, agree on this as well. Some people jump right into another relationship, but if one or the other (or both) are bringing baggage to the relationship, that's not living. Even worse, if other external forces are present or a constant state of depression or other emotional issues are present, that is not living either no matter how much you care for the other person. (refer to co-dependency, boundaries and fear of abandonment.) We can't "fix" each other, we can only "fix" ourselves. Start small and the bigger things will come later. You Go Girl is absolutely right when she says 'it's all about delegating database space'. Those of us who 'move on' clear out the database and make room for the rest of our lives. I can agree on this too but all databases have an archive feature, I will never forget my first love, he is still there in my heart....but I only reserve about a kilobyte for him. The fresher the feelings, the more room you give them in your heart.
PWSX3 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I also took the divorce care classes & in some ways I do believe what they say. I look at it this way; first year you are in a fog & just don't know what to do so you just try to survive. Second year you finally get a handle on what is going on & so you start to figure out what you want. Third year you finally get some kind of a clue & you start working towards that goal..... I also agree that we are meant to have a partner, that is what the good book says. We are to love & be loved. I got into a relationship soon after my divorce & looking back I'm not sure I was ready even with all the things I was doing to better myself. I also believe that God gives us that time to be alone in order for us to really look at ourselves because we don't have anyone else to be taking time from us. Just like anything, it grows better in the valley's then it does on the mountain tops. We do our best personal growth in the valley's as well.
LittleTiger Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I can agree on this too but all databases have an archive feature, I will never forget my first love, he is still there in my heart....but I only reserve about a kilobyte for him. The fresher the feelings, the more room you give them in your heart. Very true trippi. The database is never wiped clean, just cleared out. Maybe as we get older everything in the past has to be minimised somehow to make room for the present and the future.
JLoves Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I would have to agree here, I have never truly agreed with some of those thoughts that I have read here on LS on taking x number of years to get over someone you love....you will always think about them in some way, especially if you share children. Yesterday was my 1st ex-husband's birthday, I still remember that even though it was 20 years ago. It only took me 3 months to quit allowing him to play games with my heart and another 6 months to move on....but I still think of him...not miss him or allow myself to be depressed by him though. Hence my 'conservative' comment.. I think it's more of an indication that it will take a long time before you are ready. Longer than you want it to be. I'm sure not going to wait 2 1/2 years.. but, I'm ready to wait as long as necessary until my head is in the right place. The first thing you want to know is 'when will it be over'... The moment you realise its going to be a long haul, you have to deal with living life for the moment, and the rest will happen. All part of moving on with your life. The same evening talked about how to know if you are ready for a relationship. If you answered no to any of the things they asked, then you aren't ready. (bare in mind, this is a religious course. I'm not religious, but I'm going to meet and talk to others in the same situation. The lady running it said, 'take what you want from this course', leave the rest) Again, agree on this as well. Some people jump right into another relationship, but if one or the other (or both) are bringing baggage to the relationship, that's not living. Even worse, if other external forces are present or a constant state of depression or other emotional issues are present, that is not living either no matter how much you care for the other person. (refer to co-dependency, boundaries and fear of abandonment.) I agree too.. A new person isn't going to want to have to deal with your baggage. It's not exactly attractive and it's not fair on the new person to dump all your crap on them. Its something you need to sort out yourself. One book I've read, says 'If you need to talk to this person about your previous relationship, then dont. Talk to a friend or family.' We can't "fix" each other, we can only "fix" ourselves. Start small and the bigger things will come later. Also, we can control ourselves.. We have no control over the person who left us behind. Relinquishing that was one of the hardest lessons I learnt. And it was learnt very early. I can agree on this too but all databases have an archive feature, I will never forget my first love, he is still there in my heart....but I only reserve about a kilobyte for him. The fresher the feelings, the more room you give them in your heart. Also, in my case, she is the mother of my children. She at least left something good behind. I still have a little tiny tiny tiny flame in my heart for her, or more specifically, the idea of being a proper family again. But only she can make that flame bigger. And there's a problem in itself. I can't start another relationship until there is no chance in my mind of her coming back. I still want a family for my kids. A year after she told me ILYBIDLY, All she eventually asked was, 'Did you have a good birthday?'. Never even said Happy Birthday to me. Roll on next year.
LittleTiger Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I also took the divorce care classes & in some ways I do believe what they say. I look at it this way; first year you are in a fog & just don't know what to do so you just try to survive. Second year you finally get a handle on what is going on & so you start to figure out what you want. Third year you finally get some kind of a clue & you start working towards that goal..... I also agree that we are meant to have a partner, that is what the good book says. We are to love & be loved. I got into a relationship soon after my divorce & looking back I'm not sure I was ready even with all the things I was doing to better myself. I also believe that God gives us that time to be alone in order for us to really look at ourselves because we don't have anyone else to be taking time from us. Just like anything, it grows better in the valley's then it does on the mountain tops. We do our best personal growth in the valley's as well. I have to disagree with your first paragraph here PWSX3. I'm sure it's valid for you personally but it certainly isn't for everyone. If you had used the word 'I' in all the places where you wrote 'you' then I couldn't argue, but as it's written I disagree. I haven't even reached the 11 month mark since my husband finally called it quits on our marriage and my divorce probably won't be final for another couple of months, but I am in a really good place. Your 'first year' only lasted a few months for me, and your second and third year I was already working on before my marriage ended. My husband and I were living separately for almost a year before it was over (he was working overseas) so maybe that played a part for me too. I like your mountain analogy though and it could offer another explanation why some of us recover more quicky than others. I spent a good deal of time in the valleys both before and during my marriage (sometimes because of it). Perhaps those of us who have been in the valley longer at other times in their lives and particularly during their marriage need to spend less time there when it ends?
floridapad Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 For me its about truly grieving the loss and accepting it first. After this self esteem issues need to be taken care of. I feel part of the reason I wasn't able to move on in the beginning is because being the left behind spouse, your left with alot of pieces that need to be figured out and it is a huge hit on the self. I'm a year in and now I occassionaly grieve not the loss of the person but the image of who I thought she was. Once I've fully accepted that the person is no longer who I thought they are it feels much better. I don't prescribe to the 1 year per four year of marriage rule at all. I will always care about my stbx but as someone said in an earlier post, I don't want to be with her. All you cqan do is forgive, wish them happiness, and leave a very small piece of your heart for them. Thats me though.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Memories and the database theory... until I have had someone new, I always carry a flame for the last guy, or if he was a pita, then the guy before him...or, if none of the above, the best times of the previous relationship. So it seems to me there is something to be said for replacing the 'newest' memories in the database. Even if that is only casual dating, while working on oneself. Simply going out with an attractive person for a few good laughs can replace what is 'newest' in the database. It's not love, it isn't meant to be. And, if you don't want to go out on a casual date, then perhaps spending a lot of time with friends and family works too. Maybe this boils down to the 'newest' good connection with other people, regardless of what kind of relationship--family-friends-coworkers-or date. Feelings of doom and gloom are replaced with healthy laughter, good connection, and feeling wanted and worthy of other's time and attention. I think this is where the time factor comes in too. If you have many healthy relationships with others, your healing should progress much faster than a solitary person's, because what is 'newest' in your database is good relations, and the disappointment of the past is 'older' in that regard. Even LS works somewhat to accomplish this. It may be detached to a great degree, but it's some human connection--especially for those who are often alone. Reaching out to others, making a connection, sharing laughter. These may relate directly with the time factor as some sort of math equation for progress lifting depression and moving on.
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