PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) Hey guys, I just wanted to clear some things up as I've had a lot of thoughts over the past couple of days. I dated my ex-girlfriend, Cait, for about 9 months. We broke up back in October, but kinda had thing going back in February which ended before the month was even over. Just recently, I found out that she likes one of my good friends and room mates. He is the one who had told me about it and said that she had told him about her feelings for him. He and I talked about it for a while and I had told him that even though I can't tell him what to do that I'd rather nothing happen between them as it made me uncomfortable. Long story short, I find out today that he and her made out on Thursday night, the same day that we had the conversation about it. Since finding out I've been really upset with both him and her. I've talk to some people about it, but most don't seem to think there is any problem. In fact, only 2 people that I've talked to seem to think its a problem. Am I wrong to be upset with either one of them? I haven't expressed my anger towards my friend yet. Keep in mind I live with 4 other guys and we are all really good friends and really close. I don't like my ex anymore, but it just makes me really uncomfortable. Let me know what you guys think. Thank you. Edited May 3, 2010 by PDPullmn612
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Why does it make you feel uncomfortable? He's a good friend and she's your ex, you don't like her anymore, there's no feelings left, right? The thing you had in February, I assume was just about sex...Then it ended, life goes on. Was she in your thoughts in the past 2-3 months? Did you miss her, want her back? Or did it end well and it was just over...? I ask this because I'm wondering how much of this is ego related, or if it truly upsets you that she likes your friend and your friend likes her. What if these two fall for eachother, and they are happy? If that happens, you'll have no choice but to accept it, or walk away from the friendship with your friend, even though this girl makes him happy. You need to decide what's more important. Decide NOT to let this make you feel weird or uncomfortable.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Well I have thought about her in the last couple of months, but nothing serious. It ended alright, but ever since then we have never really gotten along with each other. It always seem that when we are around each other something happens and we end up fighting. I don't really have feelings for her anymore. In fact, I'm interested in someone else, but unfortunately she has a boyfriend. Funny how life works lol. On another note, we are all seniors in college and will be graduating in a couple of weeks. He has even expressed to me that he has no intention of dating her since we only have about 3 weeks, but I'll wait to see it before I believe it. And to be honest, I'm not sure exactly why it makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't say its ego related and I'm not jealous that she likes him over me. Something about the situation just bothers me for some reason. And now what's bothering me is that even though he knows how I feel he still went and did something after we had talked about it.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 He is going to do what he is going to do, whether you like it or not. That's a given. He fooled around with her and then talked to you, to feel you out. He didn't get the answer he wanted, and honestly, if he truly likes this girl, how you feel isn't going to stop him from seeing her. IF anything, now that he knows you're weird about it, he'll back off and keep it from you completely.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Hopefully he does just keep it from me. No idea why it upsets me, but it does and I don't wanna hear about it. Oh well, still kinda upset with him about it, but what can I really do about it. If he give more a crap about her than me than alright then.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Figure out the real reason(s) why it makes you feel uncomfortable, think about it for a while and go from there. Don't have to post about it, but write it out for yourself. Be honest with yourself, check the ego, pride and try to dig down deep. There has to be a reason that's valid. Maybe in the future if they do end up as a couple, you and her can sort out whatever it is that causes you two fight.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 In fact, I'm interested in someone else, but unfortunately she has a boyfriend. Is this it? That the girl you like has someone else? What if she didn't and she became your girlfriend. You were happy..Would your friend seeing your ex STILL make you feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer him not to see her? Yet the girl you want has a boyfriend, she's not available to you. I hope you leave it alone and find someone who doesn't have a boyfriend already.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 The situation with the other girl has been left alone. Me and her have actually been friends for a while. She knows how I feel about her, but that situation could warrant its own post so I'm not gonna get into it. But as of now me and her remain friends and what ever happens happens, but I'm definitely not trying to get in the way of her relationship in any way.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Do you guys think it would be wrong to ask the two of them that if they want to hang out that they not do it at our house? I understand that what they wanna do is gonna happen regardless, but I personally just think that if I don't have to see it that it would just make things easier for everyone.
lkjh Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 If one of my friends were going after my ex I would be pissed to. What you are feeling is natural and your friend is a douche for risking your friendship when he knows he isn't gonna date her
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) If one of my friends were going after my ex I would be pissed to. What you are feeling is natural and your friend is a douche for risking your friendship when he knows he isn't gonna date her I've talked to several people about it and every reaction is mixed. Some of my friends think its not that big of a deal while other think that the whole situation is ridiculous. Some think he is at fault while others think that she is wrong for trying to pursue one of my room mates and good friends. Its not like I just hooked up with this girl, we had a 9 month long relationship so to me its a little weird. If he wants to do what he wants then so be it. He just better not ask me for any huge favors. I'm thinking about telling that if he wants to hang out with her then he should do it some where that I'm not so at least that way I don't have to hear about it or see it. I don't know really, but personally I just think its a little messed up and its something I would never do especially if my friend had told me that he'd rather nothing happened. Oh well, each person is different. Edited May 3, 2010 by PDPullmn612
fooled once Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Do guys have the same code as girls -- I may not want my ex, but I don't want any friends having them either? I mean, most girls I know (especially when we were younger) is you don't date your friends ex -- period. It is okay to be upset at them, but it sounds like she is very immature and it sounds like your roommate doesn't care about her and just wants a little action.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I think the kind of situation you describe is fairly common in college. I know I have friends who dated my exes and I dated friend's exes. The one lesson I learned is that if you tell someone "it bothers me, I would appreciate it if you didn't", you're basically stoking their fire. I don't know what it is about forbidden love that makes it irresistible, but I think that by the time a friend approaches you because he's attracted to an ex, he's basically crossed the line into major infatuation. So, it's normal that you feel upset and I encourage you to ask them to not stay over at your place. At the same time, you have to realize that this is bigger than you and that it isn't about you. You're attracted to someone who has a bf, so I'm sure you can understand how strong attraction sometimes trumps common sense. Your friend tried to do the right thing (hoping you would be cool with things). Let it go, set healthy boundaries for the living accommodation, and focus on forgiving your friend.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 I personally wouldn't do that to one of my friends especially if he had said something to me about it. Obviously, he feels differently. I honestly thought as one of his best friends that he would at least make an attempt at not trying anything. The situation as a whole just pisses me off. Her going for him. Him going along with her. It may sound selfish I know, but I'm just angry.
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