Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 It's the alternative "what if" scenarios that usually haunt me when I don't respond. When he texted me "I need to see you so we can talk" I thought "I will finally hear what's going on". Then a fear sunk in thinking of what I might hear and getting hurt. Still, in the heat of the Monday morning moment I believed it was better to know than to be ignorant. With the passing of almost two days, and the delay in any action, I now think that whatever "knowledge" about the situation could "enlighten" me is less important than the stress associated with waiting for that knowledge to come. I have to accept that I will never know and cut my losses. It is a hard thing to do, being in love with someone, not having a full picture, and base my own actions on non-actions from his part, coupled with words of promise and accusations of me being the one who is defaulting. It keeps my mind obsessing about this. I am struggling with giving myself closure.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 When I was conned by a married man he was always available to stay over on the weekends....his wife went to visit her mom an hour away--he was unavailable only on weeknights. He was also very possessive about me and my time and answering his calls. It was because I needed to answer when HE was available and his wife was not around! The LIE very well! Red flags are everwhere here. If you have to, drive past his house, you will likely see his wife or girlfriend in the yard playing with their child, or two cars there. He also gets mad and ignores your texts and calls if you don't respond immeadiately because by the time you get back to him his wife is there and he can't answer. Mine pulled the same thing. Cut and run! OK but then the baby thing. He's been begging me to try for a baby. Would you do that if you are married? Because then everything would come out, right? There was actually a chance of me being pregnant last month. Luckily that didn't happen. I would have taken all responsibility for the baby though, I am stable enough to do this.
spinningwheels Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Yes--they will talk about babies. Mine always painted such a pretty picture of the future. They do that to keep women hooked! Especially if they know that you want the baby and picket fence. They have to keep the line going to keep you in the game! He could have even had a vasectomy and you wouldn't know! This is just all too familiar to me! Hook, line and sinker he is pulling you in with pretty promises and keeping you in line by being angry when you are not available when his real life is otherwise occupied. I don't want to bash you but I wish someone would have smacked me upside my head when all the red flags were flying!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 ... and I feel stupid, stupid, stupid. We once had an argument over text about this, at the beginning of our relationship, and after that argument I did not bring it up anymore. It went like this: him: my hormones are going crazy. I'm so so horny him: I'm horny baby me: him: what does that mean? me: I'm smiling me: so you are telling me you want me for sex and that's it? Be straight with me please him:You know what? Forget I said anything. me: you still did not answer my question him: we went through this already me: look I like that people tell me the things in my face. You are not exactly opening up to me. So I am guessing. It's up to you him: what's up to me? what do you want me to say? me: What is going on in your life? Do you live with a woman? Are you just shopping around for sex? Who are you? You know a lot about me, I don't know anything about you him: shopping for sex? What the hell are you talking about? me: trust goes both ways. Don't get mad at me for wanting to be open and honest about things. With me it is "what you see is what you get" him: What did I do? You are crazy. me: (no response anymore) After 5 days of silence from my side he sent me this text: "Open up to you for what? I was nothing to you. You used me for what you wanted. Hope you're happy. I was nothing but a toy and game to you. This is probably what you always do." I wrote him back: "come on, that is so unfair". After that he sent me another text saying: "I really like u. And think we would be good for eachother. But u don't seem to have the patience to handle me". And after that "I miss u".... and then the whole thing continued. O, I feel even more stupid now! I can beat myself.
spiderowl Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I reckon: - he's married or otherwise in a significant relationship - he just likes the power of having a woman dangling on a string - he's playing a game with you Nothing about what you have said makes me think this man cares for you or is there for you. He rarely gets back to you when he says he will. If you contact him, he says he'll get back to you. Basically, when you call him you catch him off-guard and there is the threat of his significant other finding out, so he minimises the conversation and probably says something innocuous so you could be anybody on the phone. He's probably only lovey-dovey when he has picked his (private) moment and phoned you. I would not trust this man an inch! Sorry. You would be mad to consider having babies with him. Drop him and find a man who will treat you with the consideration and kindness you deserve. It will be easier than you think once you start believing you deserve better - and you do!
spinningwheels Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I have to step away from this thread! Seriously, if you are from my city you are dating my exMM! I still have a message saying pretty much the same things! I was playing games, he loves me, guess he was nothing to me! They either all have a secret script they read from or you are involved with my ex! He would always try to twist things around and make it seem like I was the game player. I was was the one who hurt him. These words are to make you feel wrong and bad. He can't trust YoU!! He is really twisting you into a pretzel to make you feel like you are in the wrong! Please save yourself! I wasted YEARS!!! Get out know. Don't look back. Change your number, block his e-mail and BE DONE!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I reckon: - he's married or otherwise in a significant relationship - he just likes the power of having a woman dangling on a string - he's playing a game with you Nothing about what you have said makes me think this man cares for you or is there for you. He rarely gets back to you when he says he will. If you contact him, he says he'll get back to you. Basically, when you call him you catch him off-guard and there is the threat of his significant other finding out, so he minimises the conversation and probably says something innocuous so you could be anybody on the phone. He's probably only lovey-dovey when he has picked his (private) moment and phoned you. I would not trust this man an inch! Sorry. You would be mad to consider having babies with him. Drop him and find a man who will treat you with the consideration and kindness you deserve. It will be easier than you think once you start believing you deserve better - and you do! Spiderowl, I hear you. What doesn't add up in my mind is why accuse me of not calling him enough if that can expose his "relationship"? Why even go there? He made a whole fuss about it. What I also can't grasp is why texting me that he needs to see me to talk with me. He could have produced an excuse by text (very hectically working, some personal issues, a relative with a problem, ....). Or is this a stalling tactic? I don't get it. If he wants to "talk" to me, what is he going to say if actually would be face to face with me? He can probably suspect that I would be asking questions. That is, if he ever intends to follow up on this and we eventually would see each other. If his intention was never to see me again then he could have kept his silence going. I feel like I need to figure this out in my mind to find peace.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I have to step away from this thread! Seriously, if you are from my city you are dating my exMM! I still have a message saying pretty much the same things! I was playing games, he loves me, guess he was nothing to me! They either all have a secret script they read from or you are involved with my ex! He would always try to twist things around and make it seem like I was the game player. I was was the one who hurt him. These words are to make you feel wrong and bad. He can't trust YoU!! He is really twisting you into a pretzel to make you feel like you are in the wrong! Please save yourself! I wasted YEARS!!! Get out know. Don't look back. Change your number, block his e-mail and BE DONE! That is really freaky. I do live on the East Coast. I am really putting it out here that I want to stop this relationship. I might need some continued LS presence in order to hold strong in that resolve. His accusatory messages really throw me off balance each time I receive them. I haven't been able to concentrate at work very well. Even my boss asked me a few days ago why I looked so somber. I murmered something about getting a cold with the change of wheather. I am overwhelmed by all these new possible scenarios about him being with someone, and even if I don't want this to take a hold of me, it does. Why? Why would he do that? He supposedly believes in karma.
spinningwheels Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Of course he is still saying he wants to talk with you and meet with you. It keeps you on the line and available to him when his wife is not around! It is all on his terms, when he is free from his wife he will have time to talk text and see you. So you better hop to the phone the minute it rings or else you miss your chance to talk, see him, text. Because in an hour or two his wife will be around. He is pissed that he has only a short time to cheat so you better answer him right away! My health and job suffered too! And the kicker, I stayed with him for three years after finding out he was married! He left his wife after three years to be with me! Then one year later he was cheating on me and playing the same games with someother woman! All the same lines. She and I spoke and compared notes. Karma is a bitch! I got mine, and finally my life is in order again, but I paid dearly. He also got his! He lost his job over all of this and is bankrupt! AND ALONE!! But, occasionally he will still leave messages about how awful I treated him! I did change my cell number, he leaves them at my house! Now I can laugh! But he is playing the game to perfection. Making you doubt yourself thinking you are mean and crazy! He wants you to fit into the schedule that is available to cheat--do you want that??? I don't think you do! For the final time, block his e-mail, change your cell. Dont tell me how hard it is to do that. Take the sim card insert in new cell and text everyone you want your new number. Cut him out like CANCER! Because he is!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Thanks Spinningwheels, for your honesty and openness about your situation. I can only try to imagine what an emotional earthquake in your life your exMM must have been. Kudos to you for rising from the ashes of all this. I am not convinced about having to take action as strong as changing my cell phone number. I will be out of the country for 9 days soon, and have a very busy travel schedule until the end of June. I would like to reevaluate how strong my resolve is over these coming months and if I can't deal with it appropriately then obviously I will have to change my number. Me not contacting him won't be a problem. I am not used to chasing men (other than this past week because I felt like I had to make up to him and proof my willingness to contact him after his accusations. But fortunately I am back to my old calling-independent self now). I will have to see how I deal with any attempts of contact coming from him given that I still have feelings for him. I am operating with the scenarios laid out here in LS, and in reality I have no proof of his cheating, except for his erratic behavior. I do agree that something is off, and am taking this very serious. I just need to be firm in my own actions, and not give in when he tries to contact me. I hope to be able to post here on LS whenever I feel that I am about to break that resolve.
atlnay Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 What doesn't add up in my mind is why accuse me of not calling him enough if that can expose his "relationship"? Why even go there? He made a whole fuss about it. You're asking the wrong questions. In the grand scheme of things those things don't matter, he's playing games, he's throwing out words to cause reactions and stay in your head so you will be spinning your wheels focused on him when he isn't available to you. More relevant questions, where do you live? When can I come to your house? When are we going out on a real date? Meet your friends? etc etc. Stop focusing on why he says things to trigger your emotions and focus on what he avoids with you. Not sure what your relationship history is like, but you say you love him and have known him since mid-dec, I take your word for how you say you feel but think, you don't have to answer me or even post it on this forum, just quiet your mind and think, does this love feel good to you? Is this what you envisioned being in a loving relationship to be? What qualities do you want in a partner/mate/even husband that this man has shown you in the last 4 months. In what ways has he shown that you are of value to him? And not words but in his actions. If you can get your mind around those points of views, it'll help break you out of the high emotions you have for him right now and give you back your control. If you continue to entertain him, and I think you will, no judgment, just being honest, then the next time he sends you an ambigious text about I need to talk to you soon etc, don't be passive about it. Give him a specific timeframe that you need him to contact you out of respect to your feeling and time. Let him know if he fails to contact you by that point, don't even bother. Be firm. You are the only one that can be in control of how you handle things. The situation is what it is, but you can still get some control back by setting clear & firm boundaries with him and forcing him to either back up his words with actions or leave you alone. Sounds like you are getting stronger though, it's a process and I know it's not easy when you have strong feelings for someone. Still consider yourself lucky, it's only 4-5 months, you have no deep ties to him, you can cut and run now. The longer you entertain him, the further down the rabbit hole you fall. You always have a choice, choose well *hugs*
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Atlnay, I saved your reply so I can think about it some more. I am feeling strong on leaving the country without any sign of life and hope that can be the beginning of a new start for me when I come back. Two weeks later I will be traveling again. I usually do not contact anybody during my travels, except for my parents. I take the time away to cut loose from my daily life and routine. It is my time to be free in a spiritual sense. He will probably be on my mind (a lot) but I won't feel the need to change my ways of traveling and stay in touch with him. I was actually surprised that he contacted me so much while he was in Jamaica. Perhaps I will update on LS about how my feelings evolve. I need to think. Think hard. Answer your questions, and other questions about myself. You see, when I met him I wasn't looking for a man. He "happened" to me. Therefore I did not have any preconceived goals about what I wanted from a man. My needs are simple. I want to be happy. All the rest I can provide for myself. I am an accomplished professional. We are from two very different worlds. Education, upbringing, race, and in what we do for a living. In fact we are radically opposites.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 (edited) I left the country without letting him know last Thursday. Unfortunately, when I turned my cell phone on in Canada I noticed it worked! There were 3 messages from him. I decided not to respond and to turn the phone off. He texted me again three days later. His last text was "do you still love me?". I still did not respond. Then on Monday I got an email (which he rarely uses, because he does not have a computer so he has to email from his phone). He was all upset, and had gone looking for me at my house. He wrote that the superintendent of my building looked at him like he was a criminal and he felt humiliated. But he found out I was in Canada. So he was very upset, asked me why I would leave the country without telling him, why I would do that to him etc. and he literally begged me to call him. So I did call him yesterday because I started to feel bad about it. When he picked up the phone his voice sounded very down, like he had been sleeping or something (and it was around 2 pm where he was). He said "I know you are in canada, and why did you leave like that", and so he went on about me "disappearing", and I tried telling him that I had tried so many times to call him to which he did not respond. Unfortunately, the international line was not great, so our communication seemed to run on two different trails. What I was able to hear, was that he said "please be patient with me, because I am in a transition phase" (????????). What is that supposed to mean? I said "well you ignored me for 2 weeks and I can't even come looking for you because I don't even know where your home is, exactly". He then said "I don't have a home" (again ??????). He has alluded to that before, even told me that as a teenager he was homeless because his dad had a drug problem and his mother left the family. But I assumed that was 10 years ago. That's as much as he wanted to say, he said "we'll talk". He sounded really down, though (as in: it did not appear to be an act. There was absolutely nothing of joy in his voice). I also wondered if he was under the influence. I felt like he did not sound 100% coherent at times. He tended to repeat the same sentences several times. So, yes, when that "talk" is going to be, I have no clue. I am angry at myself for letting this affect me again. If he genuinely has some problem going on, I would feel bad of walking away from him like that. He does sound lost in a way. But I am not sure if he is just messing with my head. Something suspicious always creeps up. And last but not least: I have a lot of work responsibilities on my hands, so I can't afford to let this consume my mind. Yet it does. Yes, I know that I am responsible for my own actions, I realize that all too well. But the man gets to me. Don't ask me why, but he gets to me. I really have a problem establishing my boundaries without feeling bad about this. Edited May 11, 2010 by MagnoliaJane
Recommended Posts