MagnoliaJane Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I've been dating someone since mid December. He usually keeps in touch with me during the week, in the beginning mostly by text each day, and lately more by phone once a week. He is usually the one to initiate contact, one because he's very busy and two because he's the alpha male type. My intuition about him tells me that he likes his lead role. And I always respond to his texts or calls, almost immediately, and occasionally I have been calling him myself. Whenever I did, I noticed he's almost always busy doing stuff, being around people, and it's not really conducive to a relaxing conversation. Also, he almost always calls me during the day and then I'm at work. The times I texted him in the evening I only got a response from him the next day, so I quickly gave up on that. Two Fridays ago I received two angry text messages from him (he had just come back from Jamaica and I wasn't even sure about the exact date when he would be back). His texts were as follows: "See. I knew you didn't really love me. You never call me back". And then "I am always reaching out to you". It's true that he was calling me from Jamaica but I can't make international calls with my cell phone. And he doesn't email. So that leaves us... where? When I received the texts, I panicked, jumped up and called him immediately. He didn't pick up. Instead he sent me another text with "so now you show me love, now you call me, because I texted you that". I called again. No answer. I called him from my office phone because he doesn't have that number so now he picked up. He was somewhere outside, there was a lot of background noise, his 4 y/o son was yelling in the background too. He tells me he will come over to see me Friday (that day) or Saturday. I texted him later that Friday evening. No response from him. I called him Saturday around 11 am. No response. I called again at 2 pm. He picked up, again a lot of voices in the background. I asked him if he is still mad and he answers "I love you and I am in love with you. I was upset". And then he says "I'll call you right back". That doesn't happen. By Saturday night I am pretty upset and sent him two texts. He calls me next Sunday morning, we talk a while, he asks me questions like if I am in love with him, I say I am, he talks about how we are from 2 different worlds but how we fell in love with eachother, and so on... then he says he will "probably come see me that day". Which, again, doesn't happen. On Monday morning I have a missed call from him (I'm at work). I call back. He doesn't pick up and doesn't call back. On Tuesday I try again. The same thing. On Thursday I call both his phones again. Same thing. I haven't heard from him since. Nothing this weekend. What is the deal???? Why blame me for not reaching out to him if he is going to ignore me when I do? Why give me this treatment without explanation, all the while telling me that "he loves me and is in love with me". He also always talks about us having a baby, and how we should hurry with that before I get frustrated with him and go find someone else. It seems pretty far off to talk about babies if he does this. It doesn't rhyme. I don't get it. In four days I have to travel out of the country for 9 days and he doesn't know. Should I make any attempt to contact him to let him know? I already feel like I've made a fool of myself by contacting him so much the past week without a response from him. Yet, the initial text in which he blamed me for not reaching out to him is in the back of my mind. Help?
BobSacamento Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 That's the problem with Texts. Sometimes joke Texts can be preceived as angry. The iPhone needs a sarcasm detector ap
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 I highly doubt it was a joke. On the phone he reiterated he was upset. It's also not exactly the thing you would write when you are back from vacation...
Ruby Slippers Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 He sounds a little crazy. And it sounds like the chase/pull away dynamic is very strong here, which is not conducive to a stable relationship.
D-Lish Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 He's got you so wound up you are running in circles to get his attention. Sounds like he is a major control freak. His behaviour is a huge red flag.
btc8 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 He's got you so wound up you are running in circles to get his attention. Sounds like he is a major control freak. His behaviour is a huge red flag. This makes sense. From the beginning it sounded like he was doing things to show (inadvertently) that he had control over you (such as not return your calls right away or your texts). This type of behavior is not healthy. Seriously, men do not like relinquishing control of situations to women, and this guy sounds like he has you wrapped around his finger. You have to get a hold of yourself and put your foot down. I agree with sadintexas. Tell him that you're leaving the country, and if he wishes to discuss this, then he'll have to call you before you leave, or he'll have to shut up. There's nothing you can do about your leaving the country.
candymoon Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Sounds like some major mind games this guy is playing. It smacks of the precursors to a seriously mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. As D said, serious red flags here.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 He just texted me this morning: I need to see you so we could talk. I'm not sure what this means, but it doesn't sound good. I hope I have enough strength to pull this through without becoming a mess. I surely feel a mess now.
SarahRose Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Why are you even still talking to this jerk? He is just playing mind games with you and you fell for it hook line and sinker.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Well, I am hoping the "talk" will bring clarity either way. At the very least hopefully I'll know where I stand? Or is it clear to everyone else but not to me? I responded "ok. Just let me know when." I have to admit a large part of me is dreading the talk, because the last thing I want to happen is to set myself up for more hurt.
i'mfaraway Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I totally understand why you would agree to go have the talk. You have to know, either way. I'm not saying it won't turn out well but just go prepared to minimize any hurt that you dread. Hope it goes well.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 How do I prepare myself mentally for this? I have been stressing over what happened, in my mind and in my heart. I checked my phone probably 2000 times over the past week. I want to react properly to this. What do I say if he dumps me? What is a good way to respond to this? I need an answer that I can say, so that even if the hurt creeps up on me, I won't bring it into the conversation. He hasn't texted me back with a day and time. His silence speaks volumes. Sounds like there is no warmth in trying to "talk" to me, no encouragement. Today I will be teaching and won't be home until 11:30 pm. I just lost my appetite.
atlnay Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I hate to say this, but I don't think this is a person you need to be involved with and it's probably best to cut your loses now while your emotional investment is slight. It sounds like he is seeing/living with someone. The timing of your contact, during work hours, not in the evening. The loooooong delays in replying to your texts. The trip to Jamaica you don't know when he left & came back. The CONSTANT no shows after hastily made plans to see you. And lastly, the 4 year old son. My guess is that to some degree he is still involved with the mother. Though I could be 100% wrong on all counts. As to the "why" question, well, it keeps him on YOUR mind. He's trying to have you be mentally consumed by the idea of him. Waiting on him. Reacting to him, you said you panicked to jump up and reply to his text. Do you see him sitting where he is panicking to reach out to you? He doesn't want to have babies with you. He doesn't know you. He wants to sleep with you. He is putting the idea of having sex with him in your head. As for how do you react? Honestly like I said above, just let him go, he really isn't a good match for you, therefore you should react with class and let him end it and be happy you have a 9 day out of the country distraction. Best of luck and I hope you post and update, no matter how things go *hugs*
spookie Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 From what you've posted, this guy sounds creepy and like he might be dangerous. For an adult, he is not communicating past the fact that he's mad very well at all. And at this point, he has flaked out on you repeatedly. Also, I don't like how he is throwing the L word around. After 6 months, and with your relationship still largely a mind game, I doubt that he's there yet. I would stay the fcvk away from him if I were you.
spinningwheels Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 This man is MARRIED or living with someone else! Cut your losses and run! If you must--do a little PI work. You will find out why he is so unavailable-because he is.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Thank you all for your responses. They have calmed me down, I can tell you that. Yeah, the married/girlfriend issue. That was off course my first question when he told me about his 4 y/o son in the beginning of our relationship. His answer: nope, no wife, no girlfriend. He claims to see his boy "every other day". What made me think that perhaps he wasn't lying is that he would spend Saturday night over at my place. If he had a wife or gf, wouldn't she want him at home before 7 am on Sunday? And if he is with someone, then wouldn't he be happy with me not calling him that much, instead of complaining about it? I did/do have a nagging feeling about "a woman" since I've never been at his place. He has to take care of business all day every day, drives around a lot and has a car (I don't) so he always comes to see me. He still hasn't answered my text. I bet he's waiting for the weekend, since we've never seen eachother during the week. Only by then I will be gone. My desire to see him and "talk" (as he puts it) has decreased exponentially. I am not sure I want to hear any of it. I just came home from a long day at work and I had this fantasy about disappearing from his life. From his accusatory behavior, from his no show behavior, and from his controlling behavior (he sent me a text from jamaica on my birthday and I was out with a girlfriend and did not respond immediately and I got another message an hour later saying "why are you not responding"). He once also texted me that I am "his, his, his". Last time I checked I was nobody's "possession" I have been feeling so stressed about him that it isn't fun anymore. Provided that I haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I am thinking of sending him a text in the evening (when he never responds) telling him that I have to leave the country for work. Only I won't tell him how long. I actually have several trips coming up, until the end of June, with two weeks and a half in the US in between in May. I can keep my phone turned off during these two weeks. I desperately need some time away from him and come to my senses. I don't want to have a confrontation with him. While he was calling me from Jamaica I asked a few questions and boy, that conversation ended quickly with a "stop fishing because you won't find anything". I found that quite insulting but said nothing because I did not want to argue over a cell phone conversation. If I disappear hopefully by the end of June he will have moved on. What do you guys think about this? Is this cowardous of me?
atlnay Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 What made me think that perhaps he wasn't lying is that he would spend Saturday night over at my place. If he had a wife or gf, wouldn't she want him at home before 7 am on Sunday? And if he is with someone, then wouldn't he be happy with me not calling him that much, instead of complaining about it Please keep in mind, you don't KNOW anyone's home situation, especially when you haven't been to there house. She may be out of town that weekend night or working an overnight. When you contact him, he doesn't reply, so he can fake complain, while his ringer is on silent or off. While he was calling me from Jamaica I asked a few questions and boy, that conversation ended quickly with a "stop fishing because you won't find anything". I found that quite insulting but said nothing because I did not want to argue over a cell phone conversation. Unless it's extremely personal, can you elaborate on this more. What were the few questions you asked? Because his defensive reply suggests something. Provided that I haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I am thinking of sending him a text in the evening (when he never responds) telling him that I have to leave the country for work. Only I won't tell him how long. I can keep my phone turned off during these two weeks. I desperately need some time away from him and come to my senses. I don't want to have a confrontation with him. If I disappear hopefully by the end of June he will have moved on. What do you guys think about this? Is this cowardous of me? I don't think you're being a coward, I do think you are playing games with him. He's being mysterious on purpose, add your game playing is this really the foundation of a healthy relationship? Can you see him as the father of the baby he keeps saying he wants with you? Oh, has he mentioned marriage to go with this baby? or even being his girlfriend? See where I'm going? You are in a position to take your power back, just leave him alone and use your time away to break the emotional bond & get him out of your system. You texting him the day before is a sign of having hope that he'll reply back ASAP, unlike all the other times he left you hanging. Don't do that to yourself. Please. If you really feel the need to let him know you are out of the country, wait till you are on the plane about to lift off then text him. I have been feeling so stressed about him that it isn't fun anymore. My mom told me something really simple when I was in high school that when I heed helps me, "Don't spend time with someone who makes you feel badly more times then they make you feel good." Lastly, take a look at your actions and emotions since you met him and how you are feeling which led you to posting about him here, now think of him. Do you honestly see him sitting around his apartment/house feeling the same way about you? and if you do, has his actions matched those words? Take away all he's said and texted you in the last 4 months. What has his actions showed you? That's all it really boils down to. I hope you get the healthiest resolution out of all of this and safe travels to & from!!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Thank you Sadintexas! That is a sweet thing to say. I don't want to "trash" him in a conversation. It's not my style, I'd rather say nothing than insult someone, for whatever reason. It's just my way of being. I carry Anne Sexton's words high: "words and eggs should be handled with care, because once broken, they are impossible to repair". I also have feelings for the guy. At least I want to keep the memory of the good moments. Life is short and I don't want to be angry and bitter. I just need to put distance between him and me.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Atlnay, the fishing had to do with why he went to Jamaica again in April provided that he had just been there the month before. His family is from Jamaica and he had to "take care of stuff". His baby mama is from Puerto Rico... I tried to figure out if his son was there in Jamaica too, and it was clear he was not... No he never talked about marriage, and I didn't even want to think about that at this point. He can't stop talking about having a baby together though. He said "when we have a baby we can move to a bigger place and you can continue working like you want and I'll be there for you". I did not entertain that fantasy. If I make a fruit salad in the morning his first words are "you eat so healthy, you would be a fantastic mother". Yes, I need to break the emotional bond with him... I do realize that. Thank you for the wise words.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning and I took a decision not to contact him under any circumstances, not even to text him that I am leaving the country. I'll just go on Thursday and leave it up in the air. What's the point of texting somebody "I need to see you so that we can talk" and then not reply anything when I write back "ok. just let me know when". It feels cruel to make me sit around waiting for some "talk" about what is going on. I don't need to know it anymore. I'm hurting.
soulm8 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning and I took a decision not to contact him under any circumstances, not even to text him that I am leaving the country. I'll just go on Thursday and leave it up in the air. What's the point of texting somebody "I need to see you so that we can talk" and then not reply anything when I write back "ok. just let me know when". It feels cruel to make me sit around waiting for some "talk" about what is going on. I don't need to know it anymore. I'm hurting. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry for you. I can relate to the feeling very well, unfortunately. I wholeheartedly agree with your decision not to contact him. Silent treatment is abusive and should never be tolerated. *hug*
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning and I took a decision not to contact him under any circumstances, not even to text him that I am leaving the country. I'll just go on Thursday and leave it up in the air. What's the point of texting somebody "I need to see you so that we can talk" and then not reply anything when I write back "ok. just let me know when". It feels cruel to make me sit around waiting for some "talk" about what is going on. I don't need to know it anymore. I'm hurting. I'm sorry that you're hurting. So you deleted his phone number, right? Can you let this go? How many times has he said, "I'll come see you," to then not show up? Yet you believed him when he said he wanted to see you and talk. He has his reasons for jerking your chain. I suspect he has one or more other woman. He obviously wants to keep you hanging on in case he needs you for some reason. Are you going to let him do that?
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 but I am pretty good with not initiating contact. That is how the whole thing started about ten days ago, with him blowing up on me because I do not call him enough. The problem I have is resisting his attempts to contact me. I usually answer. I didn't delete his phone number because that way I'll certainly answer the phone if I don't know who's calling (he has two numbers and I don't know them by heart). The fact that I'll see who is calling puts me in the awkward position of having to ignore him, which I confess having a hard time with, but I will try. And learn from this. I hope. I am certainly going to make an honest effort. It will certainly help to be 9 days out of the country.
soulm8 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 but I am pretty good with not initiating contact. That is how the whole thing started about ten days ago, with him blowing up on me because I do not call him enough. The problem I have is resisting his attempts to contact me. I usually answer. I have the same problem. I have a very hard time ignoring contact of any kind - I'm a responder unless my contact has been requested.
spinningwheels Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) When I was conned by a married man he was always available to stay over on the weekends....his wife went to visit her mom an hour away--he was unavailable only on weeknights. He was also very possessive about me and my time and answering his calls. It was because I needed to answer when HE was available and his wife was not around! The LIE very well! Red flags are everwhere here. If you have to, drive past his house, you will likely see his wife or girlfriend in the yard playing with their child, or two cars there. He also gets mad and ignores your texts and calls if you don't respond immeadiately because by the time you get back to him his wife is there and he can't answer. Mine pulled the same thing. Cut and run! Edited May 5, 2010 by spinningwheels
Recommended Posts