should she tell

[married]

Hello. My wife and i were at a get together at her sisters house the other night It was my wife and i and her two sisters and there husbands. After a night of drinking some of us desided to go to bed. The only ones up were my wife, her sister and the other sisters husband. I tossed in bed because i couldn't sleep. About an hour after i went to bed I head my wife and one of the sisters husbands talking outside my room. She was telling him good night and that she was going to bed. I heard him saying that her wanted her to go to come with him. She said no and hurried into the room and closed the door. I asked her what was going on and she said that he was comming on to her several times. I was happy that she took control. I found out later that he wanted her to go with him alone several times. He even picked her once and carried her into the kitchen when her other sister was going to the bathroom. My wife felt uneasy and stayed close to her sister. He was pretty drunk. I asked my wife if she had flurted with him and she said yes but she said that she responded to his advances in a joking manner and that she never came on to him. One conversation that came up while we were all still up was My wife was more open when she drinks rum and that she was more romantic with me. Well when she was there alone with him he told her that maybe she should have some more rum. My wife told me that when the joking became serious she became uneasy because he kept wanting her to go off alone with him. I do know that he and his wife donot have a great marriage. They both had said that they didn't think that that love each other. Now comes the hard part. Should my wife tell her sister that her husband came on to her. My wife doesn't want to tell her but i don't think its fair for her not to know. I will tell you that i am hurt that my brother in law crossed the line. I want to say something to him to let him know that i know and that it wasn't right but my wife wants to drop it. She said that he wouldn't have done it if her were sober and doesn't want to hurt her sister. I don't think this is fair to me or her sister. The guy comes out smelling like a rose while i am hurt i keep thinking " how could he do something like this?" I told my wife that she is helping her sister bu saving her from a std. My wife don't look at it that way. She sees it as he was just drunk and he wouldn't of done it if he was not drunk. Should she tell her?

[CarrieT]

Yes, absolutely.

[RobM]

I vote no, better to stay out of their problems and let them handle it. I would just avoid them for a while.

[JustJoe]

Married, let me get this straight, Your BIL flirted with and hit on your wife, and you didn't kick his ass? Dude, somebody hit's on my baby, and they better be 10 ft. tall and bullet-proof.

[FryFish]

Yes... And you owe that guy a punch to the mouth.

[mansquito]

Yup. Tell. It's likely that it'll only confirm your SIL's suspicions about her husband, anyway.

 

But its your wife's job to do the telling - it is, after all, her sister.

[CLC2008]

Hello. My wife and i were at a get together at her sisters house the other night It was my wife and i and her two sisters and there husbands. After a night of drinking some of us desided to go to bed. The only ones up were my wife, her sister and the other sisters husband. I tossed in bed because i couldn't sleep. About an hour after i went to bed I head my wife and one of the sisters husbands talking outside my room. She was telling him good night and that she was going to bed. I heard him saying that her wanted her to go to come with him. She said no and hurried into the room and closed the door. I asked her what was going on and she said that he was comming on to her several times. I was happy that she took control. I found out later that he wanted her to go with him alone several times. He even picked her once and carried her into the kitchen when her other sister was going to the bathroom. My wife felt uneasy and stayed close to her sister. He was pretty drunk. I asked my wife if she had flurted with him and she said yes but she said that she responded to his advances in a joking manner and that she never came on to him. One conversation that came up while we were all still up was My wife was more open when she drinks rum and that she was more romantic with me. Well when she was there alone with him he told her that maybe she should have some more rum. My wife told me that when the joking became serious she became uneasy because he kept wanting her to go off alone with him. I do know that he and his wife donot have a great marriage. They both had said that they didn't think that that love each other. Now comes the hard part. Should my wife tell her sister that her husband came on to her. My wife doesn't want to tell her but i don't think its fair for her not to know. I will tell you that i am hurt that my brother in law crossed the line. I want to say something to him to let him know that i know and that it wasn't right but my wife wants to drop it. She said that he wouldn't have done it if her were sober and doesn't want to hurt her sister. I don't think this is fair to me or her sister. The guy comes out smelling like a rose while i am hurt i keep thinking " how could he do something like this?" I told my wife that she is helping her sister bu saving her from a std. My wife don't look at it that way. She sees it as he was just drunk and he wouldn't of done it if he was not drunk. Should she tell her?

 

I would tell her husband that if he does not tell her himself, then I absolutely would.

[D-Lish]

I'd confront the husband yourself and tell him to keep his grimy hands off your wife.

[CLC2008]

I'd confront the husband yourself and tell him to keep his grimy hands off your wife.

 

That too. If it were me, and some one came on to my husband like that, I would be super pissed.

[D-Lish]

That too. If it were me, and some one came on to my husband like that, I would be super pissed.

 

If it were my sister-in-law that came on to my husband, I'd break her face AND tell my brother what a douche-bag he married.

[JustJoe]

I have one rule, anybody hits on my woman, they will hurt for it.

[CLC2008]

If it were my sister-in-law that came on to my husband, I'd break her face AND tell my brother what a douche-bag he married.

 

I don't think I would want to resort to violence but I know I would feel extremely angry and enraged.

[lkjh]

First off way to do nothing. Second I doubt your wife was that innocent and that is why she doesnt want to tell

[married]

First off way to do nothing. Second I doubt your wife was that innocent and that is why she doesnt want to tell

 

 

It seems that she is more in protecting her sisters feelings than she is mine. I didn't cause this and i would be nice if she would stand up for our marrage. With other problems she has said in the past that she should of never told me and i believe that if i wasn't there she would never of told me. She doesn't blame me for being upset but says that i need to get over it because she believes that he wouldn't of done anything if he hadn't been drunk and not let it eat at me. She also said that nothing happened because she wouldn't let it but for me that doesn't excuse the fact that he still did it. Drunk or not Drunk i believe it was wrong but yet she is defending him.

[lkjh]

If I were you, I would dig a little deeper. This doesn't sound right

[married]

If I were you, I would dig a little deeper. This doesn't sound right

 

 

I tried but now she is mad. She said what good would come from her telling her sister. I don't know what to believe now.

[JustJoe]

Married, Why don't YOU stand up for your marriage. You let this type of thing happen, too often, and one of these days your wife will let something happen, because you won't defend her. Man-up and take care of business.

[2sunny]

you can only do for yourself. take action - tell your BIL that you know what happened - and you don't appreciate it and if he's unwilling to tell his wife - you will.

 

you need to reassess your relationship with your wife. if she's acting inappropriately even at a family function by flirting with your BIL - then you need to find out what her intentions were and point out what message she is giving him. remind her that her actions are part of her communication, he got the message from her that she was somehow willing to be with him.

 

remember - she may not be willing to be honest - with herself and with you.

 

if she's honest - she'll also need to hold a part in being responsible for what happened when and if she tells her sister. in other words - it takes two to tango - she was not an innocent participant. if she owns that, and talks to her sister - things could get heated - or they could shed some light on the trouble in the marriage.

 

in the meantime - look at your own marriage - it looks like you may need to be asking a few questions about your own marriage and why your wife would participate by flirting and leading your BIL on... alcohol cannot be used as an excuse. she needs to own her behavior and learn from it.

[2sunny]

I tried but now she is mad. She said what good would come from her telling her sister. I don't know what to believe now.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

SHE doesn't want to take responsibility for the part she played in it all because it will make her look like the sister she is... the sister that's willing to betray and cheat.

 

she won't own it... you have bigger problems in your own marriage to be concerned about now. address the BIL yourself. tell the W to find out why she was willing to do this to your M and to her sister - and see if she's interested in repairing any of it. if she's not willing to be honest - you really have nothing except a W who will lie to save her own a$$...

[married]

But i did hear say no and that she was going to bed. She said that she told me everything. She wants me to trust her that she handled it and drop it because she doesn't want to make waves in the family and it would be better to keep quiet. So i feel the brother in law won and i am just the jealous husband.

[JustJoe]

Dude, if you feel that way, DO Something about it. Stop being the victim and take control. You W isn't being truthful with you. Alcohol is NO excuse for flirting with your BIL, even if nothing else happened, she and your BIL are disrespecting you, bigtime. So what if something else DID happen? Would you let it go to "keep peace in the family"? You are ignoring any post that is telling you to act.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Geez hold up peeps!

 

Does your wife have a flirtatious personality? My fiance and I both do and we flirt...but we have boundaries that neither of us would cross!

 

I remember one time while out at a karoake bar we met up with some of my fiance's work colleagues...we were having a blast. Dancing and talking. I was on the dance floor with everyone and my fiances friend from work started grinding his hard on on me...he was drunk as hell and with his woman...but all I had to do was turn around and tell him to back off and he did...and I told my fiance and he was happy that I took care of that situation and nothing more was ever said...and if I ever saw him (the friend) again I wouldnt say another thing about it.

 

Now this is your wifes sisters hubby. That is delicate. How close are they? I mean your wife and her sister? If they are VERY close please listen to your wife. If you dont it will cause nothing but resentment on her part and she will not be as honest with you next time something like this happens. If they are not that close...Im not sure what I would do in that situation...so I will leave that for you to decide if thats the case.

 

But before you go ruining your wife and her sister's relationship you have to trust that your wife took care of this and has learned her lesson that she wont be harmlessly flirting with her bro in law anymore...and that she will always be honest with you about things like this because she can trust that you will trust her, and that feels sooooo wonderful...like falling in love again!

 

Sorry if this is rambled my son is climbing around me lol

[2sunny]

But i did hear say no and that she was going to bed. She said that she told me everything. She wants me to trust her that she handled it and drop it because she doesn't want to make waves in the family and it would be better to keep quiet. So i feel the brother in law won and i am just the jealous husband.

 

her words.... actions tell more than words. she gave HIM the idea that she was willing in some fashion...THAT is the problem. the problem will continue as long as everyone keeps quiet with the cover up.

 

a silent voice comes back to bite you at some point... and THAT gets very ugly!

 

speak your truth... whatever that may be. to keep silent gives the power to the secret.

[road]

The both of you must confront the other couple.

[Woman In Blue]

But i did hear say no and that she was going to bed. She said that she told me everything. She wants me to trust her that she handled it and drop it because she doesn't want to make waves in the family and it would be better to keep quiet. So i feel the brother in law won and i am just the jealous husband.

Unlike some of the posters in this thread, I actually DO believe she thwarted his advances and is telling you the truth that she "took care of it" and didn't let it go anywhere.

 

I've been in her position and I DO understand how she feels about not wanting to blow the family dynamic apart.

 

It goes way deeper than just hurting her sister's feelings if she blows the lid off this. Once you've done that, every family gathering in the future is going to be uncomfortable for everyone and the easy camaraderie you now all share is going to be compromised. So I definitely see why your wife is trying so hard NOT to have that happen.

 

But that DOESN'T mean she's "guilty" or that she encouraged him to hit on her just because she doesn't want to forever change things between her sister and herself. And if she were up to no good with her brother-in-law, she damned well wouldn't have been doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR BEDROOM DOOR where you could hear it. That's just utter nonsense.

 

I think your best bet (in this case) is to take your smarmy brother-in-law aside and let him know your wife told you everything that happened. Let him know you don't appreciate him hitting on your wife and in the process disrespecting you, your wife, HIS wife and the entire family with his sleazy behavior. Tell him you expect an apology from him for disrespecting you and that if anything in the future EVER happens like this again, you WON'T give him the benefit of a private chat between the two of you - you'll instead have that chat directly with is wife.

 

I'm always an advocate of telling the betrayed spouse, I truly am. And if you'd found out they were having an affair then I'd have no mercy on them. But it sounds as though this was ONE isolated incident in all the years you've all known each other. I'm not excusing his sleazy behavior, but you just need to weigh all your options and their outcomes - is assauging your anger at this clown worth the eventual fallout within the family?