I made a huge mistake:

[Daseal]

Hello,

 

I recently lost my girlfriend of some time because of stupid mistakes I made and I'd love some advice to help me move on, or preferably prove to her that I deserve another chance.

 

In a nut shell, the entire time we dated I had a very close relationship with an ex-girlfriend. This was the only thing we ever really fought or argued about, besides her we got along wonderfully. The ex-gf had also been my best friend for years and it was difficult. We saw each other once a month, and it always became a big issue.

 

Instead of being upfront and honest, I told her I wanted a break to think out some things. During this time, I spent a lot of time with my ex-gf, we talked about getting back together, but I also spent a lot of time thinking about my current girlfriend. After about five days, and a lot of thinking. I wanted my girlfriend back. This time I was coming with a much reduced role of an ex-gf (maybe monthly digital contact after a 6 month break). I felt terrible because I had been deceptive, but felt amazing because I finally had the baggage out of my life.

 

I really love this girl, and I tried to get her to give me another chance. But she seems conflicted, and today we 'broke up.' She won't return any calls, texts or e-mails -- and I really want to discuss this issue further. I made a huge mistake, I've made some life changes for the better, and there's not a lot that I won't do for her. I will also be seeking out a therapist on Monday to help me deal with my communication issues.

 

Is there any advice you can give. I'm absolutely devastated. I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate. Please help.

 

Before anyone rips me for it, I know I'm the bad guy here. I made a huge mistake. I really am a good guy that's genuinely sorry and want her to give me another chance. She says the spark is dead, but I think if she spends time with me I can bring it back.

 

Thanks.

[tgif]

Men are selfish, unfortunately you are a man. Give you sometime to think about who you want and what you want, you can't fool them around and want them both. If you do love your girlfriend and only her, if you do everything just to be with her, if you really can move on and never look back, if you can regain her trust, you will get her back.

 

Be honest. Never lie.

 

Best of luck!

[DenverBachelor]

Men are selfish, unfortunately you are a man.

 

You stereotype. Unfortunately, you are jaded.

[Green]

Just go talk to her. Tell her everything you want to say. Don't be apologetic, don't beg, just tell her how you feel, tell her you love her if you do. Talk to her, let her know you want her back. You can try the direct aproach like this for a little while but then after that you just have to move on. Get yourself togather, watch movies, hang out with friends... and then start dating other people and move on with ur life...

 

I thought I could remain friends with my ex-gf but the truth is you cant and shouldn't. I don't want to date a girl who is friends with her ex.

[jenifer1972]

It might depend on how deceptive you were about the amount of time and texting you did with your ex, and if you only admitted it because you were 'caught'.

 

Also if you slept with your ex when you broke up with the girl you want.

 

She probably is saying the spark is dead because it hurt so much to have feelings for you, so she is purposefully dousing them to prevent being hurt again because she feels she can't trust you.

[spiderowl]

Your girlfriend is very hurt. She's decided she no longer wants any contact with you. I think it's one of those difficult situations where you did feel torn somehow and hadn't resolved things with your ex. No-one can blame you for how you felt about that, but your behaviour is what counts and the thing is your girlfriend has suffered as a result.

 

You really need to think carefully about why you want your girlfriend back and why you gave her up in the first place. Are you someone who always wants what he can't have? In which case, what have you got to offer your girlfriend? If you did get back together with her, aren't you going to start feeling the same pull elsewhere? Why did you leave her - really? Does that still apply?

 

If you are truly serious about getting this girl back, then I'd suggest writing her a letter. Explain what happened and that you have put the ex behind you now. Apologise for your girlfriend's hurt feelings and tell her you understand why she cut you off. Ask her to give you another chance but say that you respect her and won't bother her, but would just like to call her once in a while so that she can see you mean this change. Then behave like a purposeful and responsible grown up so that she can see (or hear back from friends) how you are doing. It's a long shot.

 

She'll probably say 'go to hell', but I didn't promise it would work! Personally, if I was her I wouldn't forgive and forget your changeability, statements that you weren't involved with the ex and then running off to spend time with her, then the sudden changeabout again. Would you? I know feelings can and do change, but just be sure about your motives this time. Only genuine remorse and feelings are likely to make any difference to your girlfriend. She'll see through anything else.

[witabix]

Your girlfriend is very hurt. She's decided she no longer wants any contact with you. I think it's one of those difficult situations where you did feel torn somehow and hadn't resolved things with your ex. No-one can blame you for how you felt about that, but your behaviour is what counts and the thing is your girlfriend has suffered as a result.

 

You really need to think carefully about why you want your girlfriend back and why you gave her up in the first place. Are you someone who always wants what he can't have? In which case, what have you got to offer your girlfriend? If you did get back together with her, aren't you going to start feeling the same pull elsewhere? Why did you leave her - really? Does that still apply?

 

If you are truly serious about getting this girl back, then I'd suggest writing her a letter. Explain what happened and that you have put the ex behind you now. Apologise for your girlfriend's hurt feelings and tell her you understand why she cut you off. Ask her to give you another chance but say that you respect her and won't bother her, but would just like to call her once in a while so that she can see you mean this change. Then behave like a purposeful and responsible grown up so that she can see (or hear back from friends) how you are doing. It's a long shot.

 

She'll probably say 'go to hell', but I didn't promise it would work! Personally, if I was her I wouldn't forgive and forget your changeability, statements that you weren't involved with the ex and then running off to spend time with her, then the sudden changeabout again. Would you? I know feelings can and do change, but just be sure about your motives this time. Only genuine remorse and feelings are likely to make any difference to your girlfriend. She'll see through anything else.

 

Agree with all of spiders post.

 

Take note. If you do get back together and this exgf pops again then you will have another metallic cylindrical receptacle of Lumbricus terrestris to deal with.

 

Been there and had it done to me. You will be lucky if she ever trusts you again. You will have to be transparent in your dealings with other women and probably leave this exgf behind for good, permanently, no contact, end of.

[sphx26]

She probably is saying the spark is dead because it hurt so much to have feelings for you, so she is purposefully dousing them to prevent being hurt again because she feels she can't trust you.

 

I totally agree with this. I had this done to me in the past. Pain can kill whatever emotion there is left for you. Plus there is the trust issue which is very fundamental in any relationship. Right now I don't want to do anything with her.

 

If I were you, give her some time. Maybe you can tell her how you feel and that you will give her some time and space, and will wait for her? It's up to you really. You also have to respect it, if she doesn't want you back or doesn't even want to be your friend. unfortunately it's part of the consequences of what has been done to her. :/ It's important though to keep your communication lines open. Tell her you wanted to hear from her soon, when she's ready.

[Daseal]

Everyone,

 

I would like to thank you for your input. It has been extremely helpful in these trying times. The last few weeks have been devastating while figuring everything out, however the silver lining is that I've learned a lot of life lessons.

 

The reason why this happened is I was conflicted. I wanted some time to clear everything up, and I should have been more honest about it. There was no physical contact between me and the first girlfriend, but we talked a lot and I worked through that issue.

 

I wish I had a good reason for doing what I did, but I didn't have a good reason. I really love this girl and she means the world to me. Living without her is terrible. It's rare to find someone you're that comfortable with, so I'm still trying but would like some advice from the veterans on the board.

 

Basically, last week on Saturday, she contacted me and asked me to stop talking to her. From that she was willing to give me a phone call and we talked for about 30 minutes and she agreed to meet me out so we could talk, although she said she wouldn't really give me much feedback. We were in the restaurant for about 2 hours and discussed everything. It felt really great to get it all out and tell her how I feel. I've been ashamed of showing a whole lot of emotion for a while, this has taught me a huge lesson.

 

After dinner, I started to come to terms that it was over. She was polite and began to give feedback about 10-20 minutes in and we really had a great talk. The interesting part was, as I was on my way home after that, I got a phone call. She apologized for being so mean and then broke into tears. She said she's worried about losing 6 months of her life for nothing to happen, and she thinks that the thing with my ex may not be over. Those are her two big complaints, and I fully understand both.

 

We decided that we would talk about these issues soon. She was busy on Sunday and Monday night said she had to get to bed early. But she sent me an email at nearly midnight asking if she could get the specifications of my camera, that she had been wanting one for some time and liked mine. About 4 minutes after she sent the email I sent her a quick call to try to figure out when we could talk. She said by Tuesday, but I work till 10Pm on Tuesday.

 

I have a two page document about things I want to bring up to her. I really do love her and think that she may be the one. She keeps me on my toes and Ive never met someone I can spend so much time with so easily. I want to prove to her that I can make these changes. I don't know how to articulate that.

 

Due to our fairly opposite work schedules (for just a little longer) meeting in person during the week will be hard. To be honest, I finally had a decent couple days, and now I'm a mess again. I don't want to be neurotic and send her packing. I need to prove to her that I am a changed man and have learned my lesson. I want to start building a future with her.

 

Anyone have any advice for helping me prove that I'm serious? Ladies always love to say prove it to me, but I want to know HOW I can with such limited contact. I am willing to write my ex-gf out of the picture, who has been a friend for 20 years, because that's what is necessary to make this relationship work.

 

I can't hardly eat or sleep, and haven't been able to for almost 3 weeks now. The advice on this board, and from my friends, has really helped. I love this girl, and just want to prove to her that I made a mistake but she's who I want in my life.

[Green]

Don't be willing to write your ex out of the picture but instead just go ahead and unfriend her, erase her number... end all contact wit her. Seriously she is your ex for a reason.