Taking care of ourselves

[You Go Girl]

What are the actions/thoughts/stages of the overcomer?

They can be on a post it on your monitor.

 

And what is the southern slang for 'shagging'? I only know the British, and it doesn't work the way you two were using the word!

[trippi1432]

And what is the southern slang for 'shagging'? I only know the British, and it doesn't work the way you two were using the word!

 

 

:D:D Sorry YGG, forgot my audience. In the beach music world, shagging is a dance. Typically male/female. I can see how that didn't add up in the context we were using...lol!!! :lmao::lmao:

 

As for shagging in the UK....while typically male/female (and more fun)....totally different. LOL!!!

[Gunny376]

Shagging is predominant to the Carolinas ~ its a beach dance. Its not easy to do but a lot of fun once learned!

[trippi1432]

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.....(love that saying and it's so true!!)

 

Today we talked about VICTIM ----> SURVIVOR ----> OVERCOMER.

 

"Ideally, you are supposed to go from the first one to the last one....but I feel like I am in a vicious circle of the three these days. What is it about therapist who push you to this state, tell you that you need to open that can of worms and then leave you here for a while. I used to be there, at the last stage....it was my strength, but it was also the worst part of me to those that tried to get close to me. I internalize that being the overcomer makes me a selfish person, uncaring and distant. I guess I lay in my pity party of one and move right back to victim to do it all over again. My brain takes every judgement and criticism to the heart and I'm that little girl being torn down all over again. It's maddening!!!"

 

Yes, I'm blonde....Yes.....it takes me a while to "get it". I've never hit the last stage even though I THOUGHT I had. I've been in survivor mode for so flipping long, I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I could tell people this all day long....but could never see it for myself.....how stupid is that????????

 

Ok....so, getting back to this, didn't get as much out of the class today as I would have liked due to time, we did get some discussion around victim and the different stages and types.

 

Victim = "I am powerless" - waiting on other people to change, can't change your situation. I see this similar as to an enabler waiting on an alcoholic to change or an abused wife waiting on when to make a "get-away". In relation, even men can be victims and feel powerless....a wife leaves or cheats...they wait in anticipation of the change, but are powerless to do anything about it. Same for women in the same situation with WAWH's. Everyone hits a victim stage when they have been hurt.

 

There can be two types of victims, aware of being a victim and those that are unaware that they are a victim.

 

To explain that further, a victim that is unaware can have a dangerous victim mentality...it's unintentional but will continue to see themselves as powerless.

 

A victim that is aware can identify, but is in a sympathetic and pity mode. They continue to be helpless, but are aware of it. These are the ones that are trying to move to the next stage of surviving.

 

The problem with remaining a victim and not moving to the surviving stage is that a victim can be classified as a manipulator and/or a martyr when they continually relapse. Now I know that I am going to get flack for that, BUT....keep in mind that an unaware victim can relapse and it's totally unintentional. The danger for them is that it makes them even more susceptible to manipulators and martyr's who are bad.

 

Now I say martyr's who are bad because not all martyr's are bad. Nelson Mandela was a martyr who stood by his principles, values and sacrificed his life for a cause. I liken this to a man or a woman standing for their marriage as they are aware victims, but will always feel powerless until they move on. As long as they do not use their victim status for manipulation or pity, they are doing the right thing in their victim mentality.

 

On surviving, this is the coping stage, learning to deal with the situation as it is. Surviving is dealing with the memories of the event and can go through many stages of anger to forgiveness of self and others.

 

Overcoming is learning the major areas of your life and how to take ownership of this part of you.

 

• Biological
  
• Social
  
• Spiritual
  
• Psychological
  

Think of those like a Venn diagram, they are all integrated and each area feeds to the other areas. Fights, conflict, arguments are all forms of stress that feed into our feelings affecting the social side, which in turn affects the spiritual and the psychological until it reaches the biological part of you...in effect, these stresses can move you up and down the victim to survivor path unless you know how to overcome.

 

Now this might all seem remedial, and I am hoping to get some more clarification with this class because I do feel like it is helping me move out of the cycle of victim to survivor that I keep going through, but the advice given the maintain these four areas of your life to keep you in a recovery spell are:

 

1. Exercise more...get out....walk....keep busy
   
2. Breath....avoid stress triggers....walk away and come back later
   
3. Let go of the past, learn from it, accept it - don't dwell....dwelling is a stress trigger
   
4. Be responsible with your finances
   
5. Read (self-help books or the Bible)
   
6. Keep your friends in your life - reconnect with old friends or with family
   

Again, people may blast this, someone might get something from it. I'm finding it helpful and it can actually be applied to most any situation. From a breakup, an unfaithful spouse/lover, as a parent and even in the work environment.

[Gunny376]

I want to get back to shagging ~

 

Bon-fire on the beach, Carolina Boil, Beer, rum and coke, Carolina beach music, and some shagging!

[trippi1432]

Sound nice Gunny....I actually plan on taking a trip Friday to my favorite beach....time to get back to my roots, give my regards to my best friend Billy's grave and sing my last song to the ocean. Lots of decisions to make on what will make me happy.....tired.

[FarmGirl]

Ok....so, getting back to this, didn't get as much out of the class today as I would have liked due to time, we did get some discussion around victim and the different stages and types.

 

Victim = "I am powerless" - waiting on other people to change, can't change your situation. I see this similar as to an enabler waiting on an alcoholic to change or an abused wife waiting on when to make a "get-away". In relation, even men can be victims and feel powerless....a wife leaves or cheats...they wait in anticipation of the change, but are powerless to do anything about it. Same for women in the same situation with WAWH's. Everyone hits a victim stage when they have been hurt.

 

There can be two types of victims, aware of being a victim and those that are unaware that they are a victim.

 

To explain that further, a victim that is unaware can have a dangerous victim mentality...it's unintentional but will continue to see themselves as powerless.

 

A victim that is aware can identify, but is in a sympathetic and pity mode. They continue to be helpless, but are aware of it. These are the ones that are trying to move to the next stage of surviving.

 

The problem with remaining a victim and not moving to the surviving stage is that a victim can be classified as a manipulator and/or a martyr when they continually relapse. Now I know that I am going to get flack for that, BUT....keep in mind that an unaware victim can relapse and it's totally unintentional. The danger for them is that it makes them even more susceptible to manipulators and martyr's who are bad.

 

Now I say martyr's who are bad because not all martyr's are bad. Nelson Mandela was a martyr who stood by his principles, values and sacrificed his life for a cause. I liken this to a man or a woman standing for their marriage as they are aware victims, but will always feel powerless until they move on. As long as they do not use their victim status for manipulation or pity, they are doing the right thing in their victim mentality.

 

On surviving, this is the coping stage, learning to deal with the situation as it is. Surviving is dealing with the memories of the event and can go through many stages of anger to forgiveness of self and others.

 

Overcoming is learning the major areas of your life and how to take ownership of this part of you.

 

• Biological
  
• Social
  
• Spiritual
  
• Psychological
  

Think of those like a Venn diagram, they are all integrated and each area feeds to the other areas. Fights, conflict, arguments are all forms of stress that feed into our feelings affecting the social side, which in turn affects the spiritual and the psychological until it reaches the biological part of you...in effect, these stresses can move you up and down the victim to survivor path unless you know how to overcome.

 

Now this might all seem remedial, and I am hoping to get some more clarification with this class because I do feel like it is helping me move out of the cycle of victim to survivor that I keep going through, but the advice given the maintain these four areas of your life to keep you in a recovery spell are:

 

1. Exercise more...get out....walk....keep busy
   
2. Breath....avoid stress triggers....walk away and come back later
   
3. Let go of the past, learn from it, accept it - don't dwell....dwelling is a stress trigger
   
4. Be responsible with your finances
   
5. Read (self-help books or the Bible)
   
6. Keep your friends in your life - reconnect with old friends or with family
   

Again, people may blast this, someone might get something from it. I'm finding it helpful and it can actually be applied to most any situation. From a breakup, an unfaithful spouse/lover, as a parent and even in the work environment.

 

I'm in the process of ending an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship. I needed this thread and especially this post. Thank you.

[Steadfast]

A very dear friend once told me 'You can't take on her problems and yours at the same time. Let her have them; they belong to her'. It was hard to let go of that, but I had to. Since then, and because they aren't so close and personal, I've been able to clearly see those issues for what they are. This has helped me make better decisions.

 

She sees me now as someone who has 'pulled away'. The truth is, she's only recognizing the gap that she herself created. My emotions are no longer stretched across it for her to walk on. It's on her. It's all hers, as it should be.

 

To heal and grow, we must let go and move on.

[Gunny376]

Sound nice Gunny....I actually plan on taking a trip Friday to my favorite beach....time to get back to my roots, give my regards to my best friend Billy's grave and sing my last song to the ocean. Lots of decisions to make on what will make me happy.....tired.

 

Yes this is something that you should do!

[trippi1432]

Thanks Gunny, knew you would understand. A song to let go of every heartache so I can start new.

[trippi1432]

A very dear friend once told me 'You can't take on her problems and yours at the same time. Let her have them; they belong to her'. It was hard to let go of that, but I had to. Since then, and because they aren't so close and personal, I've been able to clearly see those issues for what they are. This has helped me make better decisions.

 

She sees me now as someone who has 'pulled away'. The truth is, she's only recognizing the gap that she herself created. My emotions are no longer stretched across it for her to walk on. It's on her. It's all hers, as it should be.

 

To heal and grow, we must let go and move on.

 

Smart friend and you are exactly right. Once someone puts you in the "friend" bucket, it becomes a little easier to pick and choose what you will and won't tolerate. You no longer have to put them first in your life as a SO or a spouse...etc. And when they don't like being second....you don't have to tolerate them at all....that's moving on and healing.

[trippi1432]

I'm in the process of ending an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship. I needed this thread and especially this post. Thank you.

 

I'm glad it helped....I'm still working through it all....have lots more to learn about myself and to stop letting people affect me negatively, stop internalizing their issues, criticisms and judgments...stop internalizing my own.

 

For too long I've allowed what people think of me to drive me to be what everyone wants me to be. The employee who takes on too much, the friend who goes out of her way to help too much, the bank account for the kids, the wife who had to build security for the family by herself, the daughter who overachieves to make her parent's proud, the woman who wants to find the love she never had. It's time to be alone for a while, just take care of me (as has been suggested by the counselors).

 

Someone told me that I spent a lot of time on the "me's" when I talk about my last marriage...I do. And I know why I do....when there was a marriage, I referred to an "us", but my STBX and I spent so much time not "being" an "us". He did his thing and I did mine....he and I talked about it the other day and he does things with his new GF, even things he doesn't care to do, because our relationship made him grow and learn what a relationship is. Yes, she makes room in her life for him, but he does the same with her...something he admits he didn't do with me and he knew it was hard for me to do with work, school and dealing with the kids. We grew apart.

 

We laughed because he went to Merlefest.....he hates Merlefest!! LOL! He learned that he had to get the drama of his family out of his life to quell his anxiety and I am proud of him for that, it has made him a better man. He has stopped drinking because he knew it was a problem for us. Overcoming is not dwelling anymore on what he can be for someone else, but letting it go and getting back to me. All the things that I quit being to build a life for us.

 

I do admit that I miss the times when we sat on the deck as a family and played cards, played army men in the living room with our son and got the whole family together for cookouts and karaoke. But soon, those became drink-fests, and they just didn't become enjoyable with a blackout drunk.

 

I'm learning that not being me and being what someone else wants me to be is a lie to myself. That's not overcoming, that is merely surviving. One day, when the time is right, someone who "fits" in that will come along and not be someone that wants to change that to fit their life and I will be strong enough to not change me to fit theirs, it will just "fit".

[trippi1432]

Continuation of learning on the Balance and Control threads.