Alexasner Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I recently began a new relationship with a girl I had been eying at my college for well over a year now. On the night I asked her out she sat me down and confessed that three months earlier she had lost her virginity to a friend (ex-friend now) of mine. Not just any friend mind you, but my biggest rival in school, a braggart alpha-male who is a self-obsessed sex addict. This is someone who treated me like an inferior little brother and emasculated me in front of our friends and potential love interests at every opportunity for over four years. She said it was a one night stand and it was consensual. She openly admits that she doesn't regret it happening and that part the reason she accepted his advances was to learn to take command of her body. As she told me this I kept a relatively cool outward appearance, but inside I was screaming with envy repeating in my head "Why him? Of all the people on the planet WHY HIM!!" After I came down from the immediate shock, I told her that if I let it affect my decision about getting into a relationship with her that I would be a hypocrite and fool. I had been in sexual relationship with one of her friends the year before, and she hadn't made me feel guilty about that, so who was I to condemn her? We weren't together at the time it happened, so it wasn't cheating. I hadn't even told the guy I was seriously interested in her. I forgive her entirely (though she really did nothing that required forgiveness) but I haven't gotten over the jealous rage towards him. When her and I are together it doesn't seem to exist, but when we're apart and I hear that person's name in conversation it immediately rises to the surface. I feel like I can't escape the idea that he "beat me again" that he won and no matter how close I become with her I'll be in his shadow. It's like that scene from Office Space where the main character is haunted by the image of his boss having sex with the girl he loves. I know honor is a pretty antiquated concept, and in this situation not really applicable, but I keep imagining myself attacking him as a means of revenge, as if that would do any good. What's awful is that this is a relationship I sat on till I felt the time was right, and had I acted sooner none of this would have happened. I feel like if I can't get over this now I will ruin a great relationship before it has the chance to really begin.
IronMaiden Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 There are a couple of good threads going right now on this topic. Check out 'haunted by my wife's past'.
CLC2008 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I recently began a new relationship with a girl I had been eying at my college for well over a year now. On the night I asked her out she sat me down and confessed that three months earlier she had lost her virginity to a friend (ex-friend now) of mine. Not just any friend mind you, but my biggest rival in school, a braggart alpha-male who is a self-obsessed sex addict. This is someone who treated me like an inferior little brother and emasculated me in front of our friends and potential love interests at every opportunity for over four years. She said it was a one night stand and it was consensual. She openly admits that she doesn't regret it happening and that part the reason she accepted his advances was to learn to take command of her body. As she told me this I kept a relatively cool outward appearance, but inside I was screaming with envy repeating in my head "Why him? Of all the people on the planet WHY HIM!!" After I came down from the immediate shock, I told her that if I let it affect my decision about getting into a relationship with her that I would be a hypocrite and fool. I had been in sexual relationship with one of her friends the year before, and she hadn't made me feel guilty about that, so who was I to condemn her? We weren't together at the time it happened, so it wasn't cheating. I hadn't even told the guy I was seriously interested in her. I forgive her entirely (though she really did nothing that required forgiveness) but I haven't gotten over the jealous rage towards him. When her and I are together it doesn't seem to exist, but when we're apart and I hear that person's name in conversation it immediately rises to the surface. I feel like I can't escape the idea that he "beat me again" that he won and no matter how close I become with her I'll be in his shadow. It's like that scene from Office Space where the main character is haunted by the image of his boss having sex with the girl he loves. I know honor is a pretty antiquated concept, and in this situation not really applicable, but I keep imagining myself attacking him as a means of revenge, as if that would do any good. What's awful is that this is a relationship I sat on till I felt the time was right, and had I acted sooner none of this would have happened. I feel like if I can't get over this now I will ruin a great relationship before it has the chance to really begin. It sounds like this may be a matter of ego, but if I were in your shoes, I would be bothered by it too. Yeah, it's not cheating, and you weren't a couple but when you have feelings for someone, it still hurts regardless and it's tough to imagine them being physically intimate with someone else especially if it was with someone you know and dislike and see every day.
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