Blackout Drunk

[spookie]

How would you feel if your SO had gone out with friends, and drank so hard he/she had no recollection of the night?

 

I have no problem with my bf going out with his friends without me. I am experienced enough in the bar scene, so understand that the appeal is different for each person. I love going out, but drinking isn't about hooking up, for me. I just love going out with my friends. I think he's the same way.

 

But in this instance, I'm bothered, because he has no recollection of what happened. He woke up alone in his bed, so presumably, he didn't have sex with anyone, but was he chatting up other girls during those blackout hours? Was he trying to take someone home? Did he make out with anybody?

 

Where are my boundaries regarding this kind of stuff, anyway? (Admittedly, I am not sure. They are to the left of the average, but kissing is definitely past the line.)

 

Given that heavy drinking is one of his top hobbies, which I don't feel at all entitled to demanding he give up, is his fidelity a ticking time bomb? On the other hand, since I trust myself not to cheat during my blackouts, shouldn't I extend that trust to him?

 

Thoughts?

Edited May 3, 2010 by spookie

[spookie]

I wanted to add that this is (only?) the second time he got blackout drunk without me in the 6 months we've been dating.

 

The first time, he was by himself in an ally when he "came to".

 

This time, the occasion was his friend's bachelor party.

 

He always invites me out with him, but I don't always want to go, and I have no intention of tagging along just to babysit him.

 

I am reasonably sure he hasn't cheated on me yet, and I know he wouldn't sabotage the relationship by cheating on me "on purpose".

 

I'd just like some input regarding how likely it is to happen "by accident". If he's not a good emotional investment, I would rather cut my losses now.

 

I wish I could ignore this red flag, because it's going really well with this guy.

Edited May 3, 2010 by spookie

[hollygolightly]

I think the issue is not so much whether you trust him not to cheat while black-out drunk (when he won't know what he's done or not done), but whether you can trust him not to put himself in that position in the first place. Getting black-out drunk, even once in a while, is a risk to his health and your relationship. Granted this is easy for me to say since drinking isn't a big part of my life, but it seems maybe you should have a conversation about learning to moderate it a little bit so you won't have to worry about his safety or fidelity.

[ADF]

Frankly, if your BF is getting so drunk he's blacking out and waking up in alleys, him cheating is the least of your worries. Not only would most women find a man that drunk repulsive, but he probably couldn't perform well enough sexually to betray you.

 

The real danger is that he is drinking too much. Never mind that he doesn't drink often. Drinking to the point of blackout is a firm step on the road to alcoholism. Plus, if he is stumvling through the streets ripped out of his mind, he could end up getting robbed, beaten up, who knows?

[stillafool]

How would you feel if your SO had gone out with friends, and drank so hard he/she had no recollection of the night?

 

 

I would break up with him because I would know I had a raging alcoholic on my hands.

[spookie]

Frankly, if your BF is getting so drunk he's blacking out and waking up in alleys, him cheating is the least of your worries. Not only would most women find a man that drunk repulsive, but he probably couldn't perform well enough sexually to betray you.

 

The real danger is that he is drinking too much. Never mind that he doesn't drink often. Drinking to the point of blackout is a firm step on the road to alcoholism. Plus, if he is stumvling through the streets ripped out of his mind, he could end up getting robbed, beaten up, who knows?

 

I AM concerned for his safety in those situations. Regarding what happened this weekend, he came home around 4, and woke up at 6 to ride his friend's motorcycle 40 miles to another city. Obviously, he was still hammered while he was riding, and could have easily gotten killed.

 

Sadly, it is some consolation to me that he probably COULDN'T perform well enough sexually to betray me. When he's that hammered, he doesn't even try having sex with me.

[txsilkysmoothe]

On the other hand, since I trust myself not to cheat during my blackouts, shouldn't I extend that trust to him?

Thoughts?

 

You both have a practice of getting blackout drunk? I think this is a bigger problem than the possibility of cheating. I hope neither of you are driving.

[spookie]

I would break up with him because I would know I had a raging alcoholic on my hands.

 

I don't know if it's that black and white. Alcohol is a HUGE part of a certain subgroup of American culture. Every guy who was in a frat in college spent a good chunk of those four years blacked-out, yet many of these guys grow up to be very successful, and definitely not alcoholics.

 

I drink heavily for fun sometimes too, but I have no problem going for long stretches of time without alcohol, and drinking alone has no appeal to me whatsoever. I think my bf is the same way.

[Rorschach]

ITT: drinking is considered a hobby

[Star Gazer]

Frankly, if your BF is getting so drunk he's blacking out and waking up in alleys, him cheating is the least of your worries. Not only would most women find a man that drunk repulsive, but he probably couldn't perform well enough sexually to betray you.

 

The real danger is that he is drinking too much. Never mind that he doesn't drink often. Drinking to the point of blackout is a firm step on the road to alcoholism.

 

I agree completely. I honestly don't think I could ever date someone who regularly got black-out drunk.

[spookie]

I agree completely. I honestly don't think I could ever date someone who regularly got black-out drunk.

 

Well, the thing is, you don't really know you've blacked-out, until the next day, when you can't remember anything that happened. And how much one's had to drink, is not the only contributing factor. How long you've been drinking, how much sleep you got that night, what you ate, all determine whether or not it will happen, and when.

 

I can out-drink many of my friends, yet blackouts for me are very, very rare, wheras many of them never remember anything.

 

My point is, blacking out is probably not the right line to draw between problem habit and acceptable drinking.

[Pfiend101]

Blackouts are caused by the speed at which one consumes in alcohol. Guzzle a Fifth and you will blackout. Drinking in moderation over a night will not cause a blackout. Blackouts are scary. If it happens very often (like I used to) I would be very concerned.

[Art_Critic]

Increasing tolerance and withdrawal are 2 of the major symptoms of alcoholism/abuse

 

There is without a doubt a drinking problem present.. you can't make a problem like this go away simply by chalking it up to college.

 

I would stop short in saying the guy is an alcoholic with what you have posted but he does have a problem with his drinking...

 

You may have a drinking problem if you...

 

* Can never stick to “just one” drink.

* Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.

* Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.

* Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.

* Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.

* Ever “black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.

* Regularly drink more than you intended to.

 

What you do with this info Spookie is entirely up to you...

[spookie]

Increasing tolerance and withdrawal are 2 of the major symptoms of alcoholism/abuse

 

There is without a doubt a drinking problem present.. you can't make a problem like this go away simply by chalking it up to college.

 

I would stop short in saying the guy is an alcoholic with what you have posted but he does have a problem with his drinking...

 

You may have a drinking problem if you...

 

* Can never stick to “just one” drink.

* Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.

* Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.

* Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.

* Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.

* Ever “black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.

* Regularly drink more than you intended to.

 

What you do with this info Spookie is entirely up to you...

 

I don't see my drinking as a problem.

 

Back when my life was a mess and I was drinking every day, I wondered if I could be an alcoholic. It was a choice to get drunk every night so I could do my job (strip), but sometimes I wondered which came first, the drinking problem or all the other problems.

 

With all the other problems solved, I didn't have a need to be hammered.

 

Now, I'm a social drinker, and my drinking fits in (in fact, is in the lower quadrant in terms of frequency and severity) with the drinking habits of my social circle. My social circle consists of professionals in their 20's, all of whose drinking roots are even deeper than mine. They grew up in small towns, started drinking in high school, joined fraternities or sororities when they got to college, and now, in their twenties, have "cut back" to weekend barcrawls and bbq's, with the occasional happy hour in the middle of the week.

 

I don't think all of us have drinking problems. For some (like me) it's social.

 

For others, IMO, the "social" aspect is just an excuse to get drunk. Those are the budding alcoholics.

 

I know which group I fall in, but I am not sure about my boyfriend. I don't know him well enough yet to know whether his drinking is socially-motivated, or whether that's just an excuse.

 

What I care about at this point in our R, is how it pertains to his physical safety, and ability to be faithful.

[Art_Critic]

I don't think all of us have drinking problems. For some (like me) it's social.

 

For others, IMO, the "social" aspect is just an excuse to get drunk. Those are the budding alcoholics.

 

Substitute the word you in my earlier post with he..

He may have a drinking problem if he...

I didn't mean you spookie when talking about if you have a drinking problem..

 

I meant him...sorry for the typo

[kassy]

I would have to draw the line that he does things like drive his motorbike when drunk... ok so waking up in an alley isn't exactly wonderful, but if that was a one off sort of thing at his best mates stag do, well these things can happen to the best of us... but driving drunk... that's another level all together IMO.

 

I think my concern would be long term, if things don't go that well or something bad happens in his life (looses his job, sibling passes away etc etc) is he going to just spiral out of control into a drunk... looking pretty likely... so, is that really something you want to sign up for. Life isn't all plain sailing, do you really want this guy to be the guy next to you when you hit rough patches in life?

[candymoon]

I think my concern would be long term, if things don't go that well or something bad happens in his life (looses his job, sibling passes away etc etc) is he going to just spiral out of control into a drunk... looking pretty likely... so, is that really something you want to sign up for. Life isn't all plain sailing, do you really want this guy to be the guy next to you when you hit rough patches in life?

 

Agreed. As someone who started out with a guy who did stuff just on the weekends with his friends, and found it turned into full on addiction years later, it's not worth the trouble. I'd worry less about the possibility of his cheating as others have said, and more on his history, family history or addiction of any sort, and how he copes these days with stress, etc.

 

Getting drunk on the weekends and blackouts twice in 6 months is way too much. By now, he should know his limit before he gets drunk and stop well before then, but he doesnt. Maybe not be an alcoholic yet, but definitely an alcohol abuser (drinking to get drunk, etc). It's only kissing cousins to alcoholism anyway. Full blown addiction is surely a possibility.

 

I wouldn't stick around to see if he were a cheater. I'd run because dealing with a budding addict is not my idea of a good time.

[spookie]

Substitute the word you in my earlier post with he..

 

I didn't mean you spookie when talking about if you have a drinking problem..

 

I meant him...sorry for the typo

 

Ah, ok. Thanks.

 

I do agree that he might have a problem, and potential to cheat aside, that is probably still something I would want to consider in my decision to continue dating him.

 

At this point tho I haven't decided whether I think he just likes drinking, or there's an element of dependency there.

 

Talk of addiction aside, I'd still like to know how others feel about their partners' blackouts when they're not around. Surely I'm not the only one with a boyfriend who can't remember what happened on Saturday night.

[CLC2008]

Talk of addiction aside, I'd still like to know how others feel about their partners' blackouts when they're not around. Surely I'm not the only one with a boyfriend who can't remember what happened on Saturday night.

 

I would not like it nor would I be comfortable with it.