patagonia Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 So I will start off by saying I was wrong and kissed a young woman a few months back. It was only one night and we talked a few times since then, mostly right after the incident. My wife knows about it. That being said, I've felt like my marriage has been in shambles ever since day one, meaning since the altar. I had liked my wife for years before we got married and right when things got really serious in dating I started liking someone else. Well once I started having feelings for this person things were never really the same with my wife and I(this is still before marriage or proposal). Me and this other person never did much talking and never dated. She was very attractive and we spent lots of time together because of school. My wife was in another state and we dated long distance. I spent more time with this young lady than I did with my wife for most of our relationship and it brought us close. There were a few times when I wanted/tried to leave the relationship and the conversations ended in tears. Not being a person to hurt others, the last conversation we had like that was after our engagement...I still wasn't sure she was the one that night! So working toward the marriage I was very wary of what I was getting myself into. I only had one person ask me if I felt like I was marrying the right person...still not sure why I said yes. So I figured once I got married that the feelings and thoughts I had for this other person or our marriage in general would go away... Fast forward to today. These feelings and thoughts about the marriage I am in has not changed. I sometimes have to tell myself that it was the right thing to do or that once I am in the relationship, I can't leave. The 2+ yrs have been very hard. I find our marriage difficult in that we don't have much in common other than the sex we have and our religion. She doesn't play sports, doesn't like to socialize, isn't outgoing, doesn't do much. She always wants me around and I feel bad when I want to go do something. I feel like I am wasting my life away sitting here with someone that I'm not so sure I am to be with. We have talked about 99% of this and are starting counseling soon. I'm still not sure though I want things to get better...it's hard to imagine myself being with my wife through life with nothing in common. Not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just some feed back and others to talk to Thank you
stillafool Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Was the woman you kissed the same woman you had feelings for before you married your wife? Also why did you go ahead and ask your wife to marry you when you were unsure she was the one you really loved?
Author patagonia Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 nope different women. Never was really talked to about marriage from anyone and I didn't ask. Didn't read any books or literature about the subject so I wasn't real sure how I was supposed to feel toward marriage. I just figured it was normal to have a few doubts and that they would go away with time.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 So basically you just asked your wife to marry you because it was time and she is a good woman. You did imply that the sex is good. Is that correct? You say you have already talked to your wife about the way you feel and you are starting counseling. That's a good step. I don't know how the counselor is going to make you fall in love with your wife since you have never really been in love with her to begin with. I think you have done all the right things in telling your wife how you feel and seeking professional help. Your wife must be really hurt I'll bet but you can't help how you feel. Please write back and let us know what happened at the counselor's office and then we can give you more feedback. Good luck.
locamia Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Its great that you are making an effort and taking the necessary steps to improve your marriage I just dont know that your efforts will make a difference. You are not in love with your wife and probably never were. Something like this is not just going to get better, even with counseling, even if you had the same things in common. My husband and I are totally different people with different personalities and interests but the basis of love is still there so we just learn to meet in the middle and compromise because we want to make eachother happy. Its great that you dont want to hurt her but you would both be wasting your lives away staying together if the love is not there. Before you know it 20 yrs will go by and you will still feel the same but it will be even harder to leave.
Author patagonia Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 It surprises me to think that I was 'never' in love with her. I wanted her as my life partner for the longest time but as we went along I just couldn't get out of my mind if I was 200% sure that she was the one I was to be with. Like I said I just thought that the thoughts would get better and improve, I would grow out of them, my feelings would change, and they haven't too much over the last few yrs. Since I don't feel totally confident in this marriage choice I have a hard time living daily life. I don't like living or doing something that I 'feel' or know that I shouldn't really be a part of. She is the sweetest woman in the entire world. I have said it before that I hate making people hurt. But now that I have felt this way for a long time, things have got to change. I have used the example many times of being another 2, 5, 10 etc. yrs down the road and being in the same boat and personally I don't want to be there! thanks for listening
Luv2dance Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 From someone who is basically in your situation, but 16 yrs and 2 children later, you are doing the right thing trying to be honest with your wife now before any more time passes. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that there has to be a "love connection" in the beginning in order to ever have one. Do you feel like you have an emotional connection to your wife? Is the sex just physically good or is it an intimate encounter?? We have had a few marriage counseling sessions and while it is helping somewhat, like others have said it really isn't changing my feelings.
Author patagonia Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) Like I have told her before, I feel as though I am just drifting through the relationship, waking up everyday, doing whatever and then going to bed. I feel very disconnected from the relationship. I don't want our marriage to be boring or normal and I'm certain that if it was right, I wouldn't feel like this day in and day out. We definitely have a connection...what kind I'm not sure. Sex is good sure but honestly I need more than that. I need an attraction throughout the relationship and it just isn't there. I feel bad that I feel like this and I know on one level it isn't fair to her...then again I think to myself, making her not feel bad is how I got here, I can't let it continue. Edited May 3, 2010 by patagonia
MadMission Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 (edited) patagonia, This is what happened to me in my marriage: I met my H when I was 17, he was 19. We proceeded to date for 6 yrs. I think once you get past that 1st yr of dating, you start to feel a little pressure to keep it going. And, the longer you date, the more invested you 'should' be. So, in the 'natural' course of things, it is socially expected that you get married. So, you start to talk about that next step....cause...well...that's what people do who have dated for awhile. You get engaged. You set a date. You get married. The next accepted and approved thing is to buy a house. Then, you are 'supposed' to have kids. Etc, etc. I was very happy in my M. I always felt lucky to have my H. I really loved him. I thought we had built a great life together. I thought it was what we BOTH wanted. I thought WE were happy. BUT, my H went through life checking boxes and making choices based on what HE felt was expected of him. But, his heart was not in it...and I don't think it ever was. We should have never gotten married or had kids together. He pretended his way through...putting on a face for me and everyone else, but really, he was not happy. He kept his true feelings of disappointment and unhappiness hidden from me. He eventually had a long term affair which was the most shocking and painful thing I have ever endured in my life. We were never able to reconcile the M...largely because his heart was not in it. Not really anything new, but new to ME cause I had never realized or knew this before. So now, I have spent nearly 30 yrs of my life with this man. And, with 3 kids, I plan on staying until they are fully launched...then I will divorce. I will be alone and starting over in my 50's. 30+ yrs is a long time to be with someone who does not want you or love you the way a husband should love his W. I cannot help, at times, to feel like I have wasted my entire life with him. Even my H has told me that another man would have been very happy to have me. And, I could have had my kids with anyone. So, you are doing the right thing by acknowledging you feelings, disappointments, and doubts. It sounds like you may have been going along on auto-pilot much the way my H did...ignoring his true feelings all along. It is better to face and accept it now...to deal with it now. Be open and honest about how you feel. If you decide to divorce, of course it will be HARD. But, better now then later...before more of your life is invested in the M...and kids are involved. Talk about HARD! Don't make the same mistakes my H made. He hurt himself. And, the hurt he caused me is simply indescribable. Edited May 4, 2010 by MadMission
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